Mediocrity at its best.

I've been feeling mediocre these days. Going to sleep earlier each night because there's really nothing exciting to do if I stay up, letting my mind wander more and more regardless of what I'm doing at the time, being unamused by pretty much everything. Just... bored.

And of course the things I want the most are unattainable to me in real life (or would be stupid to attempt to attain?), so it makes sense to escape into a dreamworld where anything I want to happen can. As always, the best part of my day is sleeping. The longer I get to stay in the perfect world the better... everyday life becomes a chore, the busiest days being the ones I enjoy the most; they pass by the quickest, and then I get to run off to my bed again :)

That's not to say that I live in a monochromatic world. I mean plenty of interesting colourful things happen everyday. Thought provoking, wonderful things. But I just feel like I'm not really enjoying them as much as other people are. At times I feel completely unmotivated, uncaring what happens. The 'fuck it' attitude, if you will. There's no problem being cheerful of course. Most of my friends make it pretty easy to be happy, even if it's not the best happiness. Other 'friends' tho, I find myself not even bothering to act cheerful around. Can I really call them my friends? Even if we hang out a lot, it's pretty obvious we don't really regard each other as close 'friends' as such... well that's a thought.

I feel like I'm in this state of passiveness, because it feels like whenever I do something proactive I end up screwing myself over in some way. What about it? Well, I've learnt that going with the flow is safe, but not necessarily happy. Then again I suppose that's a given.

So what's been bugging me lately? Well, I recently realised that I might have a fear of commitment. That's why I'm so scared of growing up I guess. I can't stand the thought of being stuck doing 1 thing for the rest of my life, marrying 1 person, and staying with them forever, having kids and having to take care of them until they grow up... but at the same time it's not like I don't want to do those things either, because I don't want to end up alone my whole life...

I also dislike it when people rely on me too much, especially when it's not even my job. Like, stop thinking I'm this amazing perfect person who can do anything for you. I am no different to anyone else. "because you're smart" is not a reason to assume it's easier for me to do anything. No matter what it is, it still takes effort on my part. So don't you dare assume that it's your right to use me and that I'd put in that effort just for you, without your even asking if it would be okay, and just demanding. That's just plain rude =_=

Sometimes I want to run away for a while, and not talk to anyone. In most ways human company is great, but sometimes I just get sick of people, you know? It becomes a chore to talk to them and maintain small talk. What would I do by myself though? I have no idea. The problem with leading a mediocre life is there is really nothing worth the effort. On the flipside though, the problem with an exciting life is that there is too much drama. It's so hard to maintain a balance in life :/

It would be so nice to have a clone of myself with whom I could talk to. It's so hard to find someone who can understand me completely. Sometimes I think I'm going insane, because the way I think sometimes is so unconventional, and it scares me. Sometimes I feel like after I broke up with Will my life just went downhill this year. Then again that might just be this year... Why did I break up with him again? I don't even remember, but of course there's no way to go back. I don't regret it, I have no feelings there anymore. Do I have feelings anywhere anymore? Or am I just kidding myself, forcing myself to express things I don't really feel? Thoughts circle run messily nothing really making sense in my head right now or on my fingers or on this page.

Yup, insanity's got a hold of me.