thoughts about photography

So I was sniffing around my old photobucket account earlier tonight and came across some of the photos I took during china camp in 2006-2007. It's funny because I can remember all the little things that happened in and around those times, just by looking at those pictures. And it made me rethink something --

Last semester, I took a class CB30: History of Photography (taught be Robin Kelsey, he's a boss and it's a super interesting class and if you're at Harvard and interested in art history you should totally take it), and before that I never really considered how much of an impact photography had on the world. Well, first and foremost the class changed that notion for me at least haha. Photography was pretty much the only visual arts subfield I'd never dabbled in properly at all (I didn't count tourist shots, or "bellybutton photography" as we call it in CB30, as real photography). I also developed a notion sometime during my childhood that I didn't like being in photos because they were usually fake and posed, and I didn't like taking photos because for me it took away from the experience of actually being there in the moment and doing the action, since you had to be either focused on the camera or on the real sight in front of you. Also, there are certain scenes that cameras just can't capture -- I've always found that shots of sunsets for eg in particular, though beautiful, lose some of the essence of being there watching one in person.

And yet, here I was looking at photos which were 5 or 6 years old and reliving those moments, memories triggered only by images. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give past experience a second thought if not for the reminder of photos. The capturing of "the decisive moment" encapsulates a moment in time, forever frozen though real life moves on and forgets. But when we take a look at the film again, it's almost as if that moment is brought back to life in our memory. In fact our memory is flawed, but the evidence on paper (or pixels as it may be these days) is difficult to deny -- these are how we validate our experiences and know they happened for real. That explains why so many celebratory events are shot, because people like to know that there was a time where they achieved something, and they want hard evidence for that past just their unreliable memories.

Man I'm not even sure if I can find myself in this picture but yay swords

How awkward can I be? Oh let me count the ways ... derp hi

Before coming to college, one of my uncles brought me a camera as a gift. I had no clue how to use it (and to be honest am still quite fumblesome with it), but wanted to use it as much as I could so it wouldn't be wasted too much. Actually when I first got it my thought was "ah... but I don't take photos of anything". Last summer though, I put it to use (though I'm sure a lot of my friends were irked by a constant lens in their face) and took a total of 1300+ photos in the span of 5 days (I used it less outside of road trip, but I'd say my extensive use during this period more than made up for it). It's been kind of nice having more photos of events to remember in the future. I guess the fact that I'm no longer an awkward 13 year old blob with too-thick and unshaped eyebrows also helps somewhat.

I guess I've come to appreciate photography more as an important technology in human history as well as a valuable part of chronicling my own life as well. Yeah I'll finally admit it, I used to be a snob that thought people who take photos weren't fully appreciating the moment they were living in then, but now I kind of understand its importance since you can look back at them and relive those moments. They might not be as clear or all-encompassing as actually being there, but sometimes a nostalgic reminder is nice.

"Take a photo, it lasts longer."

Of course, none of this is to say that I would condone taking 50 pictures of the sunset while watching it through your viewfinder over taking 2 or 3 and then putting your camera away to really watch the sun go down and feel the sky change above you either.

oh life, the most variable and constant thing of all...

I have been wanting to make this blog for a long time but due to moving around very frequently and lack of internet I never really found the time.

I'm in Taipei at the moment at the DongWu Hotel; we flew in on Tuesday from Hong Kong and before that I spent 2 days at my grandparents' apartment in Guangzhou.

I used to visit Guangzhou with my family every 2 years or so and I used to think it was an overurbanised, overly-grey concrete wasteland. However, as I grew up, I somehow started learning things and becoming inspired whenever I go back to visit. There is just something irreplaceable about a hometown, albeit one that I can barely remember. The important thing is the tiny snippets of memories that flood back to me when I stand at the physical locations of my childhood -- the shop where I bought small mantou snacks next to our house, the paved courtyard of the kindergarten where I would wave goodbye to my grandmother every morning and make her promise that my grandfather would pick me up in the afternoon on his bike (very important, I would be deeply saddened if he showed up without a bike), the commercial sector of town where I would go shopping with my grandmother and politely go with her choices of clothing which would always end up making me look like unicorn's vomit.

It is a wonderful coalescence of the past and present.

I found my uncle's old diaries lined up neatly on his shelf. I picked a blue one up -- 1986. 7 years before I was born. It was so menial -- date, weather, temperature, recount of the day's events. Twice a week, consistently, for a year. The writing reached just halfway through the notebook; the rest of it was blank. And then 1987 began -- a green notebook. It's amazing to think that at the time it was written, there was no such thing as internet or personal, affordable computers. The everyday events in that notebook were so ordinary and yet, from the perspective of our society, so extraordinary. Nobody would lead such a boring life! This is why I find it amazing. Although at that time it was just a way for him to write down and record events in his life and to spend time on when bored, its sheer age makes it so precious today; I felt as if the paper could disintegrate in my hands and cherished history crumble forever.

The room where the diaries sit is a record of my uncle's life. Outside of the shelf, there is a large stack of WoW giftcards. A large frame containing his wedding photo hangs above the bed and a gigantic teddy bear sits before the pillows. There are many shelves in this old apartment room, as he has since moved out. The older ones contain his old bug collection and holiday photos with his friends -- I see my twenty-year-old aunt in a group photo in Tibet; the first time they met. The newer cupboards had the inescapable essence of woman -- my aunt's jewellery, her perfumes, her makeup. It's amazing to see how life can change.

This time, since I was only staying for a short time, my uncle took half days off work to show me around the city. I always found it so interesting how my uncles are always so friendly and familiar with me even though I barely talk to them normally. But as I flipped through the old photo albums, I saw myself a small-potato-sack-sized baby in my uncle's arms. The date read September 1993. I was 2 months old -- my uncle looks almost identical to how he is today, minus a few white hairs. It's interesting how quickly things can change. I flipped another page and saw a family photo with all my cousins. 2002. In just 10 years between 1992 and 2002, my family grew by 4 children, all of whom the adults loved dearly. I was the first, though perhaps not necessarily the first to realise how amazing the potential of the present is; what we do now will certainly determine where we end up later. And it is this unknown that is so beautiful.

More travel updates soon maybe. I felt inspired at some point but no time/energy to turn inspiration into words ):

From beginning to end of high school.... part 3

And then... this year.

I grew closer to so many people this year that I never knew before. Everyone is so friendly and warm, and staff members treated us like peers. It is an environment that promotes community and natural maturity. I love being able to sit down and talk with anyone in the year 13 uniform and have a chat. I love being able to pass them in town or newmarket and wave and smile, even if we don't share any classes or if we have never talked previously. There's just something about STCC that ties everyone together, and there are no ulterior motives, or reasons, why I would want to say hi to someone I barely know. I just do it because I want to. Plus, this year made me feel like I grew up so fast, I didn't have time to look where I was going or take care with where I was stepping. But, all turned out well.

What an awesome year it's been. It's been such a different experience than previous years; like a roller coaster ride, it's gained its own momentum and events just stacked up week after week, day after day, and before we knew it we are here -- at the final stop on the train schedule. It's been a long ride, but it's time to get off the train now and make our ways up from the underground subway station into the busy world, our feet firmly planted on the ground and only the empty sky above us containing our growth.


Subway Entrance by Themeny

Walking out of school today in my white shirt and long skirt, knowing that it's the last time we will ever wear them, was a strange experience. I will never walk into the school as a student again. It's time to put away our 'mauve' ribbons forever. I will never have to address my teachers as 'Mr.', 'Miss' and 'Mrs'. I will again never be constrained into the "St. Cuthbert's Student" suit, and yet I will miss it.

I will miss the traffic jams between Hunter and Robertson, I will miss Mrs. Ali's unreadable handwriting, I will miss intruder drills where we all hide under the desks, I will miss the THUDs from Mr. Torrie running into walls in adjacent classrooms, I will miss Cheeky's perfectly-timed wolfwhistles, I will miss Mr. Cuer's bright turquoise shirt and lunging at the whiteboard waving markers, I will miss Mr. Bryden's lying about making all the physics equipment, I will miss Mr. Ball's dry jokes, I will miss Mrs. Saunder's kitten heels, I will miss wobbly desks in exams, I will miss the "draw a heart/smiley/elephant if you are bored" engravings on tables, I will miss badly timed fire drills and having to walk with disgruntlement all the way over to the sports field, I will miss waiting for year 9s to pass with their house bags, I will miss seeing Gabby's face all around the school on Open Day, I will miss Mrs. Rodgers writing on the wall in Year 10 and telling Ruby not to talk back, I will miss wheelie chairs in the art department and I will miss the (questionable presence of) fleas in the common room and I will miss getting up early to ensure parking on market road every morning and I will miss Zoe running into me in corridors and Marijke playing shooting games in English class and Steph JY punching my boobs (okay I just realised how amazingly lesbian that sounded and I apologise for any awkwardness but in my defence you are the one punching my boobs), but most of all I will miss everyone for all their eccentricities and awesomeness and presence around me...

I think it's true, not many people graduating from their high schools would have had the experiences we have had, and we have been giving such amazing tools and background for our future. I can be anything I want now, and yet under this paralyzing freedom I don't know where I will go or what I will do, and I can do nothing at all for the time being.

I require time to get a sense of my bearings, which hopefully this long summer holiday will provide.

Being vomited out of the subway station now, we see an intersection. Roads in every direction, people scuttling past -- which road will you choose to travel on? Retracting back into the security of the warm subway is the only option our freedom doesn't grant us; life is a one way train, and we did not think to buy return tickets before we came.

From beginning to end of high school.... part 2

I just watched the leavers video and teared up a little bit at the end ): I don't know why, I'm happy to graduate and I'm ready, but I'm just really touched by everything the school has given to me and I feel really, really lucky to have been given the opportunity to attend such an amazing environment for the last 7 years...


Picking up from where I left off last time, year 10 was one of the years that really changed me. At the beginning of the year, I hacked off all my hair. I don't really know why it happened, but I just decided to cut my hair short suddenly, the day before school started. I was still pretty withdrawn, but starting to take more responsibilities and be more socially conscious. It was a slow growth mainly haha, but I think I grew up a lot in the second half of 2008. This can be largely attributed to Kahunui. I came out of my shell a lot. I guess I never really realised how isolated and quiet I was til people pointed it out. I tried to open up more to people around me, not only close friends but classmates as well. I learnt that it didn't matter if we weren't familiar, because all friends are strangers at first as well. Spending a month with these people brought out frustration, boredom and helplessness as well as confidence, self-realisations and fierce independence. And it is the latter qualities that are permanent; hardships are temporary, but experience is forever. The last time I cried, truly cried, was on the last day of Kahunui. I don't really know what caused it -- it was as I was hugging the instructors, and I realised that I will probably never see these people ever again, yet they have impacted on my person so much and changed my perspective on the world so dramatically -- Kahunui is naturally an experience that I never want to forget.


^4 leaf clover found at a firedrill

Year 11 turned out to be one of the most enjoyable years so far. At the beginning of the year, I was seriously considering transferring to AIC. I even went to sit their entrance exam and had an interview. I got a scholarship, but ultimately decided not to go. Maybe it was intuition, and I'll never know what would have happened, but I can't imagine not staying at STCC for the rest of high school. The environment at AIC seems so stark, so cold compared to at STCC. I'm so glad I made the choice to stay. I had a mini crisis school-wise in the choice between IB and NCEA and subject choices later on in the year. I had to do a lot of soul searching and decide what I really wanted... it was the first time I had to make a tough decision like that and make it definitively. For anyone who knows me well, you know that I suck at decision making, so you can imagine how agonisingly painful this period of my life was for me hahahaahah. But, it all worked out. And i have to say, choosing to drop biology was one of the best choices I have ever made. I think I grew and matured so much in Year 11 that I regard everything prior to the summer between 2009 and 2010 to be 'the last stage in my life'. I feel like I have been reinvented through change that year; I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing, but that's just how I see it.

Year 12 was not really memorable for me school-wise. I just feel like the entire year was spent in the Art Department, and it was here that Art became such a huge part of my life. The Art Department at st. cuths is absolutely amazing -- as MKD said, St. Cuth's students come out with an amazing work ethic and skills at 2nd or 3rd year university level. We don't notice it, which is a credit to the way the department is run and the atmosphere within the school. I never considered that art could become such a big part of my life before -- it was already something I enjoyed, but it didn't truly become a passion til then, and I never actually noticed this transition until just now as I was typing this (This is why I blog!)... I also grew closer to staff members this year, having gotten over my semi fear (?) of older and more qualified people haha.

Without STCC, I would never have been given the amazing opportunity of experiencing Europe. It opened my eyes to another lifestyle in another country, and it was really amazing how different it is. Therefore it is worldly education, both literally and figuratively, that STCC has given me, and it has truly been up to us to choose which opportunities to take because there are simply too many to do them all. Even though I look around at my fellow graduating class and feel jealousy for some of the things they have done, I remember that we are all simply trying to grasp and hold everything the school hands out to us. It's impossible to hold it all, especially for someone with hands as small as mine :P

...to be continued...

From beginning to end of high school.... part 1

Just came back from leavers' dinner. It was pretty surprising that I still remember everything that was mentioned from year 7 til now. It's been 7 years at this school, and after going so long without graduation it really feels like a big deal. I can't even imagine what it would feel like for someone who's been there since year 1. I don't think I could ever say that it hasn't had an impact on me. The education at this school has changed the way I think and the way I respond to things. Yet, I feel as if I didn't take away from it all that I could have. But then, I'm not sure that I could ever have been a part of that world.

When I first heard I was going to St. Cuth's in year 5, I deeply resented my parents. I didn't understand what the difference was between private and public education, I didn't understand the difference between single sex and coed, I didn't understand why I couldn't continue onto MRIS and stay with all my friends. Year 6 was one of the best years of my life, even now. It may not have been the most morally instructive, I was surely not mature, but if I have to think back to my happiest memories, a lot of them were at that time. There are memories from then that stick with me even now, shared with people I still hold dear. It might be weird to think about it now. That was almost 10 years ago now, and I was merely a child. But a child is the foundation for an adult, and my experiences then remain very much a part of my identity.

When I entered Year 7 at St Cuths, I remember thinking on my first day that it wasn't really weird at all that it was all girls. I didn't even notice, because the different personalities were all there. In fact I CLEARLY remember that it was 3rd period before it even occured to me that yes, this is an all girl's school, and I was going to be spending a lot of time here in the year to come. Beyond that, I couldn't even fathom. Who knew that 7 years after that fleeting thought I would think back to it somewhat amused. What a long way we've all come since then!

That's not to say that an all-girls' environment didn't impact me eventually. I remember missing the company of guys several times during that year and the next. It was pretty hard to keep in touch with old friends at that time because there was no facebook and we only had MSN. Nobody really felt the compulsion to keep in touch with me since I moved away and most people went from MRPS to MRIS, so they saw each other all the time. The only person I remained really close to was Lucee, because we lived so close. We could take walks all the time in the park and talk about our schools, and how different things were in intermediate. She would tell me all the things that were happening in MRIS with people I used to know. She was like the gateway into the world I felt my parents had kept me from.

I didn't feel like I fit in much at my new school. Even though I had Joy who I kinda knew from MRPS, I actually got to know her better at St Cuths than at primary. Mind you this is back when I was pretty obsessed with anime haha, and I don't think ANYONE at that time had the same interests. Nevertheless I found a few friends and stuck with them. I didn't feel like I was as close to them as I was with MRPS friends. Plus, I was in the middle of my awkward shy stage so I felt really self conscious all the time and I was very veeerrryyyyyy quiet.


Y9 Bernie + someone else studying for exams :) ohh such is the crappy quality of 2007 camera phones.

Despite all this however, I feel like I learnt a lot in Year 7. Mrs Johnson is really one of the best teachers I've ever had. I learnt a lot of life lessons in her class haha, the most important of which is probably the importance of being resilient. When I look back now at that time, she was preaching to a bunch of clueless 12 year olds about this, and most of us probably learnt our lesson. When I look around now and see so many people my age and older who give up so easily, who are so thin skinned and don't get back up when they're knocked down, I am really in awe of Mrs J's foresight in teaching quite a diffult-to-grasp lesson to girls so young. I am equally impressed that she still remembers all of her students even now; she called each of us a few weeks ago and wished us luck for our final ncea exams, and tonight when I saw her we had a nice chat about plans for next year etc. Even though she pretty much retired a few years ago, she still works for the school. I have to say that she's definitely one of the people who have had an impact on me growing up at that time.

Year 8 was a lot better than Year 7 socially speaking. Maybe because we got to pick our classmates, so most of the people in my class were people I could relate to easily. I had a lot of good memories with people in this class, including doing $1-$2 drawings for Ally, but gave up when she tried to get me to draw jack sparrow cos I couldn't do realism at that time LOL, and certain sporadic poker club meetings which turned into weekly shared lunches instead cos it got so big that we couldn't actually play poker properly, and trying to think of an example of 'innuendo' in ms vos' class without making it sexual... yeah it was a pretty good year. I still felt pretty small sometimes, cos it felt like EVERYONE was sooo confident and outspoken, but I was still shy. I remember there were a few girls that teased and mocked me a bit, but it was like Regina George type semi friendly bitchiness, so I couldn't really say anything. It didn't really feel like bullying, but now that I think back I did feel pretty crap about it. However I didn't get suicidal or depressed cos I didn't really care about those girls ahhahaahah, it didn't seem like anyone else really liked them either so I just accepted that's the way they are.

I still met up with Lucee really regularly and she'd tell me about MRIS, but I didn't know most of the people she hung out with. Interestingly this year was the year that she started talking about Yujie cos that's when she moved to MRIS. I guess I consider this time to be the time I 'met' her, even though I never actually saw her in real life at all. But I heard so much about her I felt like I kind of knew her hahaha. When I actually did meet her in Year 9, we both already knew who each other were, so I smiled and waved and tried to make friends. I moved from sitting with my year 8 friends in soft tech to sitting with her cos she looked lonely haha. Through her I met Laina and Jimin, and we claimed Molly the Tree.

It's a little bit sad now that we didn't hang out at Molly much this year, even though in year 9 we vowed as a group that we would stay there until year 13. Since then, a lot of people have left the school, a few have joined, and different people have moved around and found new places to hang out. I remember either Tara, Ally or Roxy drew "HEART molly" on the tree in purple vivid at some point, but that's probably gone by now hahaha. (EDIT: just found out it was indeed Roxy :D) From the memories of Molly, Holly, Polly and Fred (who sprouts pink blossoms in Spring, and has grown sooo much since year 9 -sniff-), to the legend of Jonathan Livingstone the seagull, year 9 was still full of relative carefreeness. I guess year 9 marked the beginning of a lot of friendships that are the ones that I still have right now. If I had an awkward time fitting in in year 7 and 8, year 9 was a lot easier. I joined a few clubs and meet some upperclassmen, and was in general a lot less antisocial hahaha.


Hahahahah Eunji ♥

However, I was still pretty quiet and shy with people I didn't know. Adults and teachers and authoritative figures in general I didn't like dealing with. To be honest I still kind of have a thing with this and I tend to get flustered easily and don't know what's appropriate to say when I'm talking to adults, but it's a lot better now than it was hahahhaahah. I remember not liking how Mrs L is so friendly with students because I just couldn't think of her that way and it was awkward when she insisted on hugging me but yeah there you go

I started blogging on this blog at the end of year 9 actually... wowww this blog is pretty old huh.

Anyway, that was my brief recount of Years 7 to 9 at STCC. I don't know, someone might find it interesting I suppose, or it's a good time to say it all so I can read back and remember one day when I am old. I will cover the rest of my high school experience in part 2 and maybe 3, in a few days. It's getting a bit too late in the day for this now hahaha :P


ok so this is actually year 10 but naww isn't laina cute :)

I am a massive stalker

Today I will tell you all about the ways in which I am a massive stalker. Okay actually that term is a little negative; I prefer to think that I just get to know people very easily... sometimes without their knowledge :P Like most people, I go out and meet friends of friends. But unlike most people, I actually remember them -- usually the next time I see them on the street, I can recognise them and remember their name, but 70% of the time they don't remember me so I just don't say anything haha. It's nice when they do tho :)

I started young... Remember how the class roll used to be alphabetical by last name? Yeah... I knew the order off by heart, including everyone's last names. From years 1 to 4, I could literally write down the class roll in alphabetical lastname/firstname form off by heart. There were typically 30 people in my classes. This was partly spurred by my early passions to become a teacher, and I guess it just became a habit, even after that point where I didn't want to become a teacher anymore. Perhaps that's why I have an affinity for remembering people's names now haha. Useful skill to have I guess, even if its roots are extremely weird and creepy even by my standards hahahahahahah.

Speaking of creepy........ I liked a guy at the end of primary school and continued to 'check up' on how and what he was doing over the next year or so even though I have never seen him since then. I had his msn, but we didn't talk much. Now, remember this is the time before bebo or facebook. I googled his name, found a website with one of his classmates' emails and contacted his CLASSMATE, with my own anonymous email address, to ask how he was. OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A CREEPER ):



I do like to know the people around me in my everyday life, even if they are people who I don't have immediate contact with. Friends of friends, especially if they are close, would be people that I know about even if I have never actually met them, or if I've only met them once. Yes I facebook people after I meet them. Sometimes I add them too hahaha, if I think we might meet again, or if I'm interested in getting to know them better. This prediction is only ever ~40% accurate. I have a lot of people on my list who I never talk to, but I actually do know exactly who all those people are and I don't accept random friend reqs. Sometimes people add me who I know of but who I haven't actually met myself, but I accept mostly because I'm curious as to who they are behind the facebook info page which I have stalked so many times before :P

I like to think that I'm generally friendly to people tho, despite my closet stalker tendencies. Sometimes I think I may come off as a bit of a snob :/ or, extremely shy and distant. It just depends on the day I meet someone. Some days I just feel more amiable than others, and sometimes I just don't feel like being social? But even if I'm not feeling social... I still remember people I meet :) And always feel a little rejected when I see people I know but who I know don't remember me anymore haha.

I guess you could say people are very important to me, even if I am not important to them. Not even individuals either, but anyone is important to me. I remember most if not all of my classmates from Paris -- actually another point, I had no links to anyone from my school over facebook in Paris since Blanche didn't have one, but I did some pro friend jumping to find people I know. I literally went through Meghan to Marilou (her french exchange partner) to her sister (who actually went to EA, since Marilou went to LLLG) and scrolled through all her friends, and some of her friends' friends, to find someone who I had met in Paris thus far. It's a life skill I swear...

I also periodically google people I know's names on google to see what'll come up. the weirdest stuff appears sometimes, I had no idea one of my friends used to be a Yugioh master who went overseas with the NZ team to d-d-d-d-duel :O

The internet is an amazing tool. People share so much about themselves online (and I myself am no exception)... some might say it's dangerous, because if even someone like me can track people down so easily, then it's not a very secure place to be sharing things about yourself. However, in this age I do feel that those who do not share anything about themselves online tend to disappear, at least in my mind. Since it's where I get my information about people, if someone doesn't have a facebook, or bebo, or even email address (yes I know people who do not use email), their presence is not as prominent in my mind and thus in my life... sad but true I guess :/

It is important to spend time with people out of the internet. I do prefer to spend time with people in real life, in small groups or one-on-one -- this is indisputably better in building relationships. But, I think we're getting to that stage where real life interaction may not be enough, unless it is every day or very often. We are beginning to not be able to live efficiently without imprinting our identity onto the web anymore. In a world where more and more people are meeting through online dating (and having successful relationships and marriages!), we must still be aware of the horror story internet predator; but at the same time, we must be aware of the benefits our virtual identities can bring, and learn to utilise them well.

Of course, one may argue that casual stalkers like me utilise them a little too well ;)

unfinalised fantasies

So today I logged into msn and saw one of my contacts listening to "suteki da ne" from final fantasy x. I actually thought wow, it's been ages since I've listened to that. So I went on youtube and youtubed it... and boom nostalgia.

Some backstory. Around about year 5, I went through this obsession with final fantasy. It was around the same time that x-2 came out. the funny thing is, despite this obsession, I never actually played it. The only ff game I have ever played is the original ff7, which I didn't actually play until about 2 years ago & I have not even finished. It's really strange that something that didn't really take up a huge part of my life can affect me so much, isn't it? At that time I knew all the main characters' names from VII to X, listened to the songs and at some point even started conversing to another friend who was as obsessed as me in Al Bhed. I drew a lot of fanart and read a lot of fanfiction... I remember distinctly going into EB games once and seeing the release manual for X-2 and wanting it so badly...

Wtf was wrong with me you ask? I don't know. I just remember it was somehow a big part of my life at some point. And watching that video just brought back all the memories and I felt something in my heart. I was watching it and thinking how most people have never heard of it. How most people will see it as just another video game. I wonder if playing it would have done that for me too? Final Fantasy is so much more than just that for me though. It represents a part of my childhood and is just special to me, for no particular reason or another that I can remember, even though I never even played it. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it means more to me than to people who have actually had it take up more of their lives.

And actually it's not just this song. It seems that most FF songs, whether it be instrumental or sung, just have that effect on me. They're just heartbreakingly beautiful. I really don't know any other way to describe them. I'm serious, my heart actually hurts when I listen to them. I never had this experience with feeling so strongly when listening to any piece of music before.

There is just some kind of ethereal quality to them. I remember at that time when I was obsessed with it it was just taking over my life. I don't remember it clearly either, which is maybe why it seems to be such a big deal in my head. If I think about it now, it's totally illogical. Life is set in reality, not in a video game. What made it so powerful for me? Perhaps my then still idealistic visions of life and love? Is that part of me still buried somewhere deep deep inside? Regardless, watching that video and listening to that song that is so sweetly familiar and yet so distant... my past was still able to brush against my heartstrings.

It's not often that I'm hit with a wave of nostalgia strong enough too feel like the wall of ignorance fell over my head. And I just find it somewhat interesting that it's this of all things, which was never a formal part of my life at all that had this effect. Like in its own story where in a last ditch effort to save their company, Square Enix poured all their resources into a game that would be their 'final fantasy' (and it was wildly successful and has spawned to this day over 12 sequels), the fantasy I had in my youth is seeming to go on after being pretty much forgotten for all these years. Despite how much I've grown and 'matured' (if you can consider it that?), something as simplistic as this video game that I have never even played can make me experience something so amazing.... the fantasy is obviously not over.

But then, perhaps it ought to stay that way? We all still need a little bit of idealism in our lives.

SO PRETTTYYYYY.......... square enix is amazing ):

songs that remind me of stuff

I'm gonna copy Billy's blog... Songs that I can think of that are somehow meaningful or remind me of other things :)


Kurt Schneider/Jake Bruene -- Iris: Being sick with food poisoning in bed on Christmas Eve in Normandy. Also his cover of I will follow you into the dark (Death Cab for Cutie) also reminds me of that. And most of my Yellowcard songs. But even though it was such an awful time listening to these songs make my heart a little warmer and I actually feel nostalgia :)

Flo-rida -- Low: For some reason this song has so many nostalgic and sentimental memories attached to it and I really cannot remember nor understand why. It makes me think of so many good times with friends and having fun hahahahhaa, weirdly enough.

Chris Brown -- With You: Kahunui 2008. Also not immediately obvious, I think it's because it was in the mix cd someone made for the van on the ride to Whakatane for grocery shopping. Other songs that remind me of Kahunui include Forever (Chris Brown) and Move Shake Drop (DJ Laz).... yeah it was an interesting month :P

LIGHTS -- My Boots: Actually any LIGHTS songs remind me of Maplestory because I had them on loop for hours on end while mapling at the end of last year.

Kim Wilde -- Kids of America: One of my childhood friends really liked this songs to the point where she actually made up new lyrics to go with our own lives lol. This was in like year 5. It reminds me of all the times we played neopets together and how we almost made a doujinshi of ourselves in the digimon world hahahaha such imaginative geeky kids :D

FFX -- 1000 Words: Year 5 and 6 when I went thru a FF phase (which is funny because I was still a sony virgin) and listened to this song as well as Real Emotion and To Zanarkand on repeat every day. And I talked to David a lot during this time cos we were fanboy/girling together and we used to use Al Bhed translators to talk hahahhahaha... yes indeed a geeky childhood TT

Britney Spears -- Toxic: Reminds me of the colour purple. When I saw the music video I thought that it didn't fit the song at all cos of my own construed ideas lol. And it reminds me of year 6 and how Kelly hated Britney Spears and it made me think of the day when I came to school and everyone was depressed cos Longson said something to Kelly or something and then half the class was crying and I had no idea wtf was going on...

Bon Jovi -- Livin' on a Prayer: Reminds me of year 5 and 6 again when NZ Idol was on haha. And during the final both the finalists sang it. And it was really catchy so Lucee and I would get it stuck in our heads for days and days...

Jason Mraz -- I'm Yours : Reminds me of airports because I associate it with Lucee leaving for the first time 2 years ago... Also 彩虹(Jay Chou). Last time when I was leaving for France it was actually playing in the airport and I smiled to myself hehe.

Kelly Clarkson -- Behind these Hazel Eyes: A family holiday with Lucee when we were singing this together haha. Holy crap that was ages ago. Actually why do Lucee and I have so many music related memories o.o it's uncanny. I might as well list the other songs that remind me of her tbh...

Boys Like Girls -- Love Drunk: Cruising the highway in USA driving from Vegas to LA. How glamourous right. I accidentally set my ipod on repeat one and fell asleep hahaahaha

Far*East Movement -- Rocketeer: Driving in semi-rain fog at 3am in the morning from mission bay towards the city... the slightly blurry fuzzy lights from far away were like the lights of a dreamworld. Cool summer air and open windows and getting our arms kinda wet but not really... such a nice memory

Linkin Park -- In Pieces: Yujie and year 9 tech. Oh man she left the lyrics EVERYWHERE.... and it makes me think of food tech especially cos she drew a lot of doodles in my folder and then she got into this big folder drawing war with laina... :D good times

Aladdin -- A Whole New World: Singstar. Yunbin's house. 3am in the morning, over and over and over and over and over.... and me in the other room trying to sleep and having dreams about flying carpets CHYEAH. And that reminds me of all the memories in Yunbin's house, like David trying to spike my drink and me running away, and mahjong, and getting headaches from alcohol, and failing to boil water, and all that good stuff :)

杨臣刚 -- 老鼠爱大米: My favourite song as a little kid. I used to sing this all the time apparently, and I demanded that it was the only song that we ever played at home... and then we lost the CD. and then a few years ago I heard it playing on the radio I was like DAD! WHAT SONG IS THIS!?!!?!? IT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR... and then my dad told me the story of me when i was a little kid hahaha.

Vanilla Ice -- Ice Ice Baby: Everytime I hear this song I think of Laina dancing to this in year 6, even though I wasn't ever there to witness it. I guess people have talked about it so much that I've... created a memory for myself??? LOL

And then there are songs that just remind me of important people in the past haha. They might not have as much meaning for me now, but they still make me think of them... But I won't say who goes with which songs :P
白色风车 (Jay Chou), Bolero (Maurice Ravel), Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney), I don't want to miss a thing (Aerosmith), Lovefool (The Cardigans), Waiting for the End (Linkin Park), Right here waiting (Richard Marx), In My Head (Jason Derulo), Don't phunk with my heart (Black Eyed Peas), Cosmic Love (Florence+The Machine), Light Surrounding You (Evermore)

Hmmmmmmmm cbf thinking of any more but there are heaps ><

the chronicles of my heart

"I couldn't ask for any year more perfect than this. As I grow older, I hope I will dwell in the wonderful memories. So many people have changed my life forever. They have changed the way I feel about absolutely everything..." 31 December 2004

"I am afraid to think what the future will hold." 10 January 2005

"Love is like quicksilver -- Leave it and it stays; clutch it and it darts away" 14 February 2005

"Life is getting too repetitive" 20 June 2005

"...When you die, nothing matters. Why are we still living with no sense of direction? There is no god. There is no meaning in life ... make more use of your existence" 30 December 2005

"My feelings for him are soaked in the paper. The memories make me so happy, but melancholy as they were in the past. Would I have done things differently if I had been the person I was now?" 21 April 2006

"What do I do? I feel like I'm trapped in a bird cage" 31 March 2007


"Is it so hard to do the right thing? Can I really judge what the right thing is? Is it in a human being's duty to assume right or wrong? I wish I could just run away from reality to a world which only I know." 24 August 2007

"And so my perfect days began. AND WHAT PERFECT DAYS THEY HAVE BEEN! I know it won't last but right now all I want to do is just soak in my happy life ^^" 29 November 2007

"Nothing lasts forever" 19 February 2008

"For these 3 years... I never felt like I belonged. I was isolated, an outsider. I never felt the way I did with my primary friends. I miss that childhood. I want it back so badly." 3 March 2008

"I'm trying my hardest. I was in a state of happiness today. I saw so much bright blue sky." 28 September 2008

"You have to take full responsibility for your actions, and sometimes more. But if you take less, you're lying to everyone, including yourself." 2 October 2008

"Sometimes I had more guts to argue ... there's more to life. I'm going to show them that. Happiness is more important than money. Think of your own happiness first, if you're reading this in the future. But don't force your ideals of happiness on them too." 25 November 2008

"I'm more ambitious. Less afraid of failure. I want to take more risks, challenge more ideas, live a life that will make a difference. I don't want to be one of 7 billion to lived and just died." 12 January 2009

"Is the only thing that matters that I love him? These idealistic ways are too waffly for me. Chemical reactions on the other hand are too flat... don't account for actions and feelings. So... why?" 16 April 2009

"Recently I've been feeling pretty alone... have I really changed as much as people say? Or is it just them that have changed?" 29 January 2010

"I guess I've become a bit more mature recently, learnt what values I keep, but at the same time I've become more blunt & more of a bitch. Isn't being a bit selfish better than being a doormat?" 29 September 2010

"It's hard to just go back to how things used to be, especially when people change. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I used to think I am quite an open person, without many secrets... Life is not as simple as it appears..." 29 November 2010

"I like you, even though you hurt me, even though it defies logic. But if you remain as you are now, I don't want to be with you. Liking you disgusts me enough as it is. You've made your choices. I'm just stuck here watching you in the distance, regretting not walking along with you, but unsure now whether to follow or walk away." 1 December 2010

Most of these old scars are gone. Some are still healing. All are scars I'd like to keep. I am putting these books away now to read later... maybe 10 years in the future. These are some of my rawest emotions in the times when they seemed to be taking over. So yes, I guess I really was always this philosophical. These are the chronicles of my heart, the evolution of a soul through age and experience. There are still many things I have to learn, both in the future and from the past...

PS. I turned off the autoplay so people won't get random music playing when they open up my blog in class :PPPP

how I became the strange person I am today and random thoughts in between

Lately I feel so lonely, but at the same time I'm kind of sick of people. I'm weird like that... Actually I've never really been 'normal'. As a baby I didn't cry and I hated to eat and bathe. From a young age I tended to ignore people around me, didn't really like to talk to people and preferred to spend long periods of time playing by myself, never needing attention from my parents. It got the point where my dad thought I was autistic. He was apparently really happy when I started making friends in primary school. Now that I think about it though I only remember at my kindergarten there was a girl who liked to bully me but I kept quiet about it because it didn't bother me that much. I recall one time she threw sand at me from behind and some got onto the shirt of the girl in front of me, and I helped her brush it off even though I had sand all through my own hair. Sounds nice but whatever, didn't think much of it back then.

When I got to my first primary I remember there was this one girl I wanted to be friends with but her other friend didn't like me much, but we played together anyway because we both wanted to be friends with her. Her other friend was harsh to me at times but I put up with it because I wanted to be friends with the girl. After I switched schools after Year 1 I guess I had some kind of revelation that girls are complicated and that I'd just play with the boys from then on. But since my grandma liked to dress me in dresses and tights she'd always yell at me when I got home with holes in my stockings from tripping over because I was running around. I remember so many lectures about how girls were 'supposed' to be graceful and elegant and not run around and be rough with boys. I really resented it back then. I didn't understand gender roles and I still don't. I remember swearing to my dad when I was about 7 that I would never like shopping ever in my life haha because I was so tired of walking around the mall with my mum.

I don't remember the in between years much. But I still talk to my friends from then sometimes. I hate it when my mum asks me how ____ is doing, because I normally don't know and I don't understand why she's so interested anyway, and every time my response is the same so it bothers me how she keeps asking the same thing time after time.

Sometimes I wonder how everyone from back then turned out. I see some of their facebook pages and it's funny how some people seem to stay the same while others change a lot. The ephemeral and fickle nature of youth eh? Sometimes I also wonder how I might have turned out, if I didn't go through certain events in my life. What would I be like if I stayed in Henderson? If I never went to St. Cuths? If I didn't go to china camp? My life would be very different in all 3 situations, yet they are such small changes in the grand scale of things.

How do those around us shape us? How do we, in turn, shape those around us? During peer support training I heard a lot about the dramas of year 9, but honestly I never experienced them. I do not even recall being nervous or frightened of anything in year 9. There was not much drama for me, but when I hear about the other things that have happened in this 'crucial year' I realise that I had no idea any of that was going on while I was there. Is it a case of not noticing things while they are happening? (I do tend to be pretty unobservant)

I am not even really sure how hard I work. People often tell me that I work quite hard to achieve the things I do, but it feels like nothing for me. This worries me a lot because it's as if I'm not really controlling my own life, it's like things just kind of happen and it doesn't affect me that much.

If I think about it though, nothing really affects me that much. When I had my surgery this year, my parents were more concerned for my health than I was. They have this idea that it was much worse than it actually was. Sometimes when I'm on the bus I think about what would happen if the bus crashed and I died. I often try to imagine the things I would regret, but I can't think of anything, except maybe not living longer. Sometimes when I'm on a high building I wonder if I would survive if I jumped. Not actually suicidal obviously, but I do wonder what would happen if I just got up and jumped off. Often I look at myself in the mirror and feel like I'm just thoughts trapped in this body. It's not really mine, just a medium for me to do things through.

Apparently I have pretty imba luck. I don't know where it comes from or if it even exists, because I have a feeling it's just something in certain people's heads, but I do feel pretty lucky for the life I have. But a lot of people have a life like mine, and I don't feel especially lucky compared to them or anything.

Sometimes I look at the people around me and wonder if any of them ever have the thoughts I have, and to what extent. It seems that most of the time they seem to be really superficial and thinking about things that do not really matter. I do often listen to things people say and think to myself like, wow, they have nothing else to worry about? But actually I'm quite jealous because I can't enjoy the simple things as well as them. When I have nothing particularly deep to think about I get very bored with life, as people would know. I AM able to enjoy the very very simple things in life, like the sunny days at the beach, and the constant downpour of a thunderstorm at night. But everything in between the very simple and the deep... I get sick of it.

From time to time I get really unmotivated with life. I honestly ask myself, whats the point? every time I do something. Most of the things I do I regard as activities to pass time with, where the sole purpose is to waste time. I'm not even that excited to go to France. It just seems like something I have to do to get to next year. And next year is something I have to do to get to uni...

Lately I've been feeling quite trapped, but I'm starting to get to the fuck it all stage. I seriously just don't care anymore. I do whatever the hell I want and no one can do anything about it. Problem being, I don't want to do anything. Just sitting at home like a slob all day... Well tbh if I had the money I would move out of the house in a heartbeat. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just run away and start a real life already. Crazy I know.

Sigh, whatever.

d28/29

So my internet capped yesterday morning, which left me with nothing to do the entire day. It takes like 3-4 minutes + to load a page, which was not very useful for me as I was trying to study for my chemistry exam and I couldnt pull up the past papers. Anyway now for some reason the comment form won't appear on anyone's blogs so I can't comment. But just so you know I've read them all. :)

DAY 28: A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?



Tony + me, nov/dec 2009?


hillie + me, extrav bbq, last weekend

this weekend :)

You see, I don't have to go back very far to show how much I have changed, since I got jaw surgery 2 and a half months ago XD hahahaha I don't think I look THAT different, I guess my nose is shorter now (I can't lick it anymore) and less flat.. but more fat XD. Idk if I like it, kinda makes me feel piggish sometimes.

I also...
- stopped wearing my silver frames, because chen said they were intimidating
- grew my hair out
- started wearing more makeup
- & painting my nails when I am bored
- got more clothes/better clothes
- got wayyy more shoes... lost my blue converses ): I miss them so much. wtf are they?!
- matured a lot, became more blunt and open
- STARTED PLAYING MOUSEHUNT. HAHA ♥ sheremy, chirip + terry for starting it all

Hm... I kind of want to leave all the emotional stuff for new years :)

DAY 29: In the past month, what have you learnt?

In the past month... I've learnt what a cherrypicker is (I learnt that today actually)...
...
holy crap I actually can't think of much. I mean I know you learn something new every day but it's probably really insignificant stuff that I don't care to remember. HAHA this is terrible. I should pay more attention to my surroundings XD
OH!
I learnt that Chen can't stand threesomes. And that he can't last more than 10 seconds. ;D

Strange things that make me sad

I quite like eggs. Usually when I have eggs I'm happy. But when I'm having a hardboiled egg over breakfast and some of the yolk drops into my milk and disperses so that it looks like my milk has some flaky yellow skin disease, it makes me sad.

When I was younger, I used to lie on the couch in the living room when I had nothing else to do, kind of like in the picture below:

I would imagine what it would be like to live in a world that worked upside down, and how the lamps would be like giant flowers, and how you'd have to step over the piece of wall between the ceiling and the door frame every time you entered a new room, and thought about how I'd trip over it pretty often because sometimes this portion of wall would be quite big because the doors in our house at that time were quite short, and how it would be weird going 'upstairs' because it would be like going 'downstairs' and there would be no stairs, just a slanted ramp. And then I thought about what it would be like to go outside, and realised that you'd just fall into the sky. Then I got sad.

As I got older, I started keeping diaries and only using my sparkly gel pens in them because they were special and deserved to be used in special ways. I'd alternate red - orange - yellow - green - blue - purple - pink gel pens each day because then it created a pretty rainbow effect over the week. This turned out not to work too well, because the yellow didn't show up well, so my entries on Wednesdays would always be shorter because I couldn't read what I was writing, and my entries on Fridays would be the longest because I really liked that shade of blue, and then my blue ran out before the other colours and I couldn't write in my diary every day anymore because of that, and it made me sad.

I actually never finished filling out any of the notebooks I used for my diaries either. And I lost one of the ones with the most memories because I had to hide it because it contained a lot of private feelings, but then I forgot where I hid it. That makes me kind of sad too now I guess.

When it rains I get sad.

When I got to the age that I realised the world was not a nice place and that the TV was kind of like the mirror in that R L Stein novel where the images in the mirror are actually reality, I got sad because of all the bad things that were happening behind the panel of glass. I guess that's not really a strange thing to get sad over now that I think about it though.

I got sad when I released the purple helium balloon into the sky from Lucy's leaving party last year and I watched it for about 10 minutes as it became a dot in the sky, and then I blinked and then I couldn't find it in the sky anymore.

I also got sad when I was driving into school the other day and saw 2 helium balloons stuck in a tree because they'd never become dots in the sky like my one.

Once I was so happy that I cried, and then couldn't work out if I was actually happy or sad, and then I got sad and cried some more.

There are a lot of things that make me sad. Some of them are pretty common things to get sad over and some of them are quite insignificant. Some people might think that I'm strange, but I really was sad this morning when that hardboiled egg dropped into my milk.

reminiscence

I was looking through the old chronicles and it's quite funny how tiny we were... esp steph AWWW she was so cute. And I loled at how short rose hewetson used to be hahahaha NOW LOOK AT HER.

so I compiled this ^^^^ I have to say I think I was best looking in year 6 ish (2004) D: I was so cute. and now look at me >> also yes guys I did use to have long hair hahaha
ewww y7 id photos =P

you guys should try doing this too if you have a lot of photos. it's fun. I just did this in 10 mins cuz I couldn't be bothered finding older photos (BUZZ CUT LOLOLOL) so yes... this is all taken on dell camera too which is why its so fuzzy. maybe I'll redo a better more complete one when I can be bothered scanning things for hours on end. Perhaps in the holidays...

chinese essay is gay

Why...

Why does everyone update their blogs like a day before I update mine? Is everyone else against me or something? T_T

We had y11 outing today (I refuse to call it 'retreat', seriously who the hell thought of that...) I hope Kim did well on her internal. In terms of talking about self identity and happiness (as part of that talk today), I was thinking that happiness really comes with appreciation. The reason those celebrities are not happy, the reason we always strive for MORE, eg. winning the lotto, when compared to the rest of the world we are already considered inordinately lucky, is because we take everything we have for granted. Or rather not for granted, we simply don't appreciate it enough, because we have never known it any other way. We have gotten used to what we have, cannot imagine it any other way. There is no happiness without sadness. Without having experienced pain, how would we know what is bliss? It might as well be the same thing, right?

This is the reason why I want to try as much as I can in this lifetime. When I was younger I used to be scared of everything, I'd be scared of going down the escalator in case I missed a step and fell, I was scared of going down slides, I was scared of falling over when biking or rollerblading so whenever it got too fast I stopped, I was scared of being pushed on swings, I was scared of going to the bathroom at night, not because of the dark but because I thought I would accidently impale myself on a sharp object or trip over when I was on my way there due to lack of light. I was scared of going to sleep with a blocked nose because I thought I would stop breathing in the middle of the night and die in my sleep. I was scared of others not accepting me for who I was, so I was always neutral and quiet so there was no real reason to hate me. I was scared of my dad because he was scary when he yelled at me, in fact I think only 3-4 times in my childhood have I snapped so that I actually got out of line enough for my dad to yell at me; I cried all 3-4 of these times... I was scared of trying my best because I thought if I did and I failed it would hurt more... so much more...

But now I realise that I might as well go and experience these things so the good things are even better in comparison when they happen. I welcome change because it keeps things interesting. I am still scared of quite a lot, but I try to face it whenever i can. Of course there are some fears that simply can't be faced, such as my fear of death or paraplegism or brain degenerative diseases, or pain... Although with pain nowadays I just try to do it without thinking too much, if it has to be done. This is of course talking about physical pain only... Emotional pain is a lot more complicated, but I am not scared of it. On the contrary I seem to welcome it =/ at least it means I feel something for once.

If I can go out there and do everything I can and cram as much as I can into this lifetime I think I might even get over the ultimate fear of death... unlikely, because being me I always believe there is always more to be done. But thinking about it logically... we only have 1 shot at life. When it ends it ends. You won't feel it, see it, hear it, ultimately nothing will exist for you. Maybe people will remember you, maybe they won't. Maybe they will look over the things you wrote or did during your life, maybe they won't. But the point is you yourself will have no recollection of any of this so....

we should make use of all the time we have, every last second. For every second we use worrying, it is a second we have wasted where we could have done an action that will ultimately contribute to the end product of our "life movie", a second that we will never get back.

Let's waste less time thinking and use more time doing.

On a side note, I have my chemistry test for real tomorrow and a duathlon...
but I have art for the first time since friday so that's got to be a plus @_@ what's going to happen if I choose to drop it... asdlkfjskladfjlasd...

letting go?

omfg it's march already, feels like 2009 just started.

When people drift apart, are you happy to let that happen or are the type of person to try to keep people with you?

Do you let go without a second thought? Or do you let go with a feeling of sadness?
Do you keep them close and try to become close again? Or do you keep in touch, but let things be...?

Personally I'm a person who, even after friends drift away, keep them close to me. This should be pretty obvious judging solely from my massive msn list, most of which you know I never talk to, but they're still there. Because I know, one day, when I need something from that one person, I can ask them, even if we haven't talked for a long time... maybe that will trigger something off and we will become closer again, who knows.

Yes, I keep old friends close so I can use them again one day. =P People are useful, having contacts is perhaps one of the best things in this world when you need help. People who are special to me now will always be special to me, even if it is only the memories that are special. The people around me now define me, as I've said before, every person that you meet in your lifetime, even in a passing second, defines who you are. So I make it a point not to forget anyone. I may forget your face, your name, your birthday, but I will never forget you and the fact that you were there.

I know some people just let go without a second thought. For example a few weeks ago I made a point to say hi to an old friend who I haven't talked to for a few years, when we used to talk reguarly online through microphones and stuff, when we were kids. His reply: "Why are you talking to me all of a sudden? It's been ages since we last spoke" Sorry for making the effort then, I won't talk to you again...

I guess the point of this was just to make everyone think, what if...? Would you make the effort, or would you not bother? And if you don't bother, does that mean they were never that special to you in the first place?

~~~~
laina's meme thing. I am bored and ignoring the picture I'm meant to be drawing ej...

1. A Cuddler?: I guess so
2. A morning person?: Depends how early lol
3. Are you a perfectionist?: Sometimes
4. An only child?: Nope
5. In your pyjamas?: Yup
6. Currently suffering from a broken heart?: Nope
7. Okay at styling other people's hair?: hahahaahahah what
8. Left handed?: nope

DO YOU:
12. Bite your nails?: Nope, unless I have a random little bit that keeps getting caught on stuff
13. Get paranoid at times?: Sometimes
15. Curse frequently when you get mad?: Yes
16. Enjoy country music?: It's ok
17. Enjoy jazz music?: Yeah it's nice
18. Enjoy smoothies?: Nothing special
19. Enjoy talking on the phone?: Not really lol unless I want to hear someone's voice
20. Have a lot to learn?: Of course
21. Have a pet?: I am the pet
22. Have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person?: Many wrong persons
24. Have at least one sibling?: Yes
25. Have been told that you are smart?: Yes

HAVE YOU:
28. Changed a diaper?: Nope
29. Changed a lot over the past year?: Yeah
32. Killed another person?: Not in real life
34. Had the cops called on you?: My uncle called me =P he's a cop rofl

LAST PERSON WHO:
1. Slept in a bed beside you?: actually slept? I have no idea rofl o_o
2. Saw you cry?: hahahah Gina
3. Went to the movies with you?: William. We sat outside and waited for everyone to come out. haahahahahah well it was kind of the movies.
4. You went to the mall with?: Steph, YJ, Laina, Neeshah, Bernie, William
5. You went to dinner with?: Family
6. You talked on the phone with?: Yujie
7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it?: William.. well I hope he meant it =P
8. Made you laugh?: SCRUBS. =P

WOULD YOU RATHER?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue?: Tongue
2. Be serious or be funny?: Funny
3. Drink whole or skim milk? Milk is milk
4. Die in a fire or drown?: Drown
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?: Parents, if I had enemies

ARE YOU:
1. Simple or complicated?: Simple. Or at least I try to keep things simple
2. Gay?: Happy? very
3. Hardcore?: At what hahaha

DO YOU PREFER:
1. Flowers or candy?: Neither, if I had to choose, flowers, unless it was dark chocolate.
2. Grey or black?: Depends
3. Color or Black and white photos?: Colour, then you can change to b&w whenever you want
4. Lust or love?: Love
5. Sunrise or sunset?: Sunset
6. M&Ms or Skittles?: Skittles
7. Staying up late or waking up early?: Staying up late

DO YOU:
1. Like anyone?: I love everyone <333
2. Do they know it?: Now you do <333

ABOUT YOU:
1. What time is it?: 10.37pm
2. Name?: Winnie
3. Nickname(s): Anything you think of
4. Where were you born?: GZ, China
5. What is your birthdate?: 30 July
6. What do you want?: Power, money, love, intelligence, and the ability to control time.
7. Where do you want to live?: Preferably in a nice house somewhere in a nice neighbourhood
8. How many kids do you want?: 1 or 2
9. What would you want to name a girl?: No clue
10. What would you want to name a boy?: No clue

TRAITS:
1. Nervous Habits: Fiddling with hands hahaah
2. Are you double jointed?: I think so
3. Can you roll your tongue? Yes
4. Can you raise one eyebrow?: Kind of
6. Do you make your bed daily?: Yes
7. Which shoe goes on first?: Depends what I feel like
9. Ever thrown one at someone?: Yeah hahaha
10. How much money do you carry with you?: Around $20
11. What jewellery do you wear?: Whatever I feel like. Necklaces mostly
12. Do you twirl the spaghetti or cut it?: I chopstick that shit
13. Have you ever eaten Spam?: Yup I like it

IN THE LAST MONTH, HAVE YOU? (YES OR NO):
1. Had a b/f or g/f?: yes
3. Bought something you didn't need?: yes
4. Sang in front of people?: yes
6. Been hugged: yes
7. Felt stupid: yes
8. Missed someone: yes
9. Got drunk: nope
10. Got high: nope
11. Danced Crazy: nope
12. Gotten your hair cut?: nope
13. Cried: nope
14. Been hurt by a friend?: nope

THE END

la la la...

ignoring how this is an obvious paradox, it's still cool :3

I realised that I am much better at expressing myself in writing than verbally. Maybe it's because in writing I have time to organise my thoughts before I 'say' them. Wow my brain must be so slow, can't even keep up with my mouth... Also I guess I've been too reliant on things like msn for too long, that I can't speak a proper coherent sentence in real life without taking a long time to organise the words, and even then my mouth manages to stutter or screw it up somehow... am I not used to speaking?

I guess, since I was young I've been pretty reclusive and introvertive. I was never good at talking to strangers. Surprising as it may seem it's true... I know now I seem pretty outgoing, don't have a problem with approaching new people etc and like making new friends, but it's taken a lot of growth to break out of my shell. And so even now I'm not used to speaking properly. Maybe it's because my English skills are going out the window. What am I supposed to do? English is my 1st language now, and if I can't even speak this fluently and effortlessly... @_@

So, I must practise speaking. Because it's not only english I fail at speaking, also chinese and french, the words just never seem to come out right, even though I have it all sorted in my head... just goes blank when I want to say something.

Am I a naturally introverted person trying too hard to be extroverted? Aaaa, who knows anymore >>

...RUN MUDKIP RUN

nostalgia

It's fun when you go back to your old days eh. (: I hope that one day I can be like these guys and have heaps of random stuff to whip out and read and laugh about. (dw steph no swearing in this vid) wongfu productions are the best |: subscribe to them. nao.

ok i had a weird dream last night again (it's becoming so common one could regard it as normal now?).

went to one tree hill to study this afternoon after art cuz house has too many distractions. I memorised my french speech which is presented on wednesday, but I cbs doing vocab and I got distracted by the playground. wow I'm such a kid. got a few weird looks when I started balancing on the rails (getting better ><)... xmas pig list getting bigger, will start after exams. thinking about getting a sewing machine for xmas this year (thinking about starting fashion design |: just see if it suits me.) im going to be y11 next year, so i figured that I should try everything so that I can make the best choices for me and my future >< style="font-style: italic;">"Graduation dinner was really good. I got a silly award for that back-scatterball throwing thingie. ---- from my lcass also got one for bumping into Mrs ----- while walking in a line. y'kno, at the end I nearly cried ... nearly ... I caught myself just in time. I saw ----'s parents, his mum, who I've never seen before (wtf did I write this it makes no sense), ---- told me his parents were divorced so I've only seen his dad before. And now he's asking if he can have my runescape account ... I'll prolly give it to him, I'm going to be in intermediate next year, don't really have enough time for this kind of thing anymore."

(names are censored in case you can't notice haha. and LOL runescape, good times.)

entry 2 - 9th dec 2004
"Hi! today we packed everything to home, and --- gave me this cool pen! (I was writing with it at the time) My swedish penpal got her letter and sent it back to me. Anyways, as we were packing, ---- gave me his stamp thing, (it was this art project we did, we used pastels and designed a stamp A3 size) that kiwi in a suit, now it's hanging in room. it's nearly as cute as he is! (OMFG DYING OF EMBARRASSMENT HERE). LOL. Tomorrow's the big assembly. I have a feeling I'm gonna get something... (psh wow winnie, real modest)

Yes, I was a tard. I'm sorry friends. I have let you down )):

entry 3 - 19th dec 2004

"This has no doubt been the worst summer this century. It has been hailing, raining, there was even a thunder and lightning storm last night. anyway, I have found a few peeps for my aisha to RP with, and they are really cool. Just wondering for the war -- should I kill my money on codestones for training or just give up the whole thing. ANDD, do you like this flashy new ink that I'm writing with, and do you approve my new handwriting? It's neater... easier to fit things in."

This entry will make no sense to anyone who didn't play neopets. And my handwriting was ugly ):

entry 4 - 19th jan 2005

"I made a quiz on quizurfriends, and ----'s like "I can't believe ---- knows most about you" (the ---- mentioned in this quote is the same guy who gave me his stamp) noone except ---- got my best friend question right... whomever is orthy enough to be called my friend is worthy enough to be called my best friend~"

I was a loser. a loserloserloserloserloserloserlsoer gah shoot me now.

SKIPPING FORWARD A FEW MONTHS/YEARS.... -flip flip flip-

HAHAH OMFG I HAVE TO SHOW THIS. MY DREAMS WERE RANDOM WHEN I WAS A KID TOO!

entry 6 - 13th july 2006
"*yawn* just woke up.. had another weird dream with ---- in it dreamt that we were back in MRPS or something, but it was y8s as well lol. And this y3 girl argued with me, saying that a pizza's crust was made from bacteria... and I was high. Then it switched from that to me going on camp and I forgot my togs and my dad gave me $50. Started out on the bus and then we ended up walking with kings boys who were wearing st kents uniforms. and then we got lost in the forest, --- commited suicide cuz she was angry and then I woke up."

PAHAHAHA. don't even ask.

-headdesk- I just found out that karl is looking up runescape fanfics on ff.net. omfg we really haven't gotten any more mature have we.

I think that's enough for now.. errrr don't want to expose me TOO much |: maybe next time.

I know, I'll let you guys request lolol pick a random number in ur comment and ill put that entry in each blog haha.

kahuwut.

Standing on Old Girls' porch
We thought that it would last forever
And if we had a choice
Yeah, you know we'd all wanna stay here
This was the best month of my life

50 mosquito bites
7 sisters
5 lost socks
1 pair of lost long johns
2 guitars
1 river
2 tramps
1 freezing night in the bush
1 sea kayak
23 girls
8 instructors
28 days

There's my recount of my camp. It was life-changing and unforgettable. I don't think I can recount about it will do it justice, so I won't even try.

I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I don't know what it was, after hugging Mr W and him telling me 'Good luck with your future'... I had this sudden revelation that in my future, for the rest of my life, I would never again see any of these people who had changed it. They'd never see the results of their work and inspiration for me. I just broke down. As I walked back to the house to get my last few belongings I wasn't sure if I was crying or laughing. I was choking, kept getting air stuck in my windpipe. I hugged Gina and left. Because I was crying and I couldn't see straight I went to the right down the driveway and into the car instead of going straight and receiving my steph hug so I'm sorry steph. Seems like I'll never get one. Just bad coincidences. it's not meant to be ): I'll never get a steph hug.

I also forgot to pick up my confiscated goods worth $11 in cash. Thankfully kim got it for me. I'm glad someone remembered me.

I know everyone will forget me. That's ok. I think from now on I'm just going to try my best for myself.

Thank you and goodnight. Maybe I will do a recount later, maybe not. I don't feel like it right now.

when I was young and stupid (er)

Eunji's present is just too pretty ): too bad it's food so I have to eat it.

Well yesterday was my birthday, and I'm officially 15 now. So I can legally start driving and kill myself lolol. >: ok maybe not.

It's like 11pm but I really felt like updating closer to my bday haha >< today I'm gonna share some stories of when i was young and stupid (don't you guys love these stories)

ok... well once, I was in like y1 and we were making mothers day cards or something. And I got this orange piece of paper, and my friend had this blue piece. being the snobby 5 year old ass I was, I snidely said (probably in an uppity voice) "Haha shame look I got a girl's colour and you got a boy's colour~~" and then my friend did the whole grass thing and went up to the teacher and was like "ms ____, are there such things as girl colours and boy colours?" and the teacher was like "no there aren't, all colours are just colours." and then my friend stuck out her tongue at me ): thats why I don't have a favourite colour anymore lolol. I don't want to be biased and turn back into my stupid 5 year old self.

in y2, me and this boy were like pushing lego bricks under one of the folding walls in the classroom and giggling really loudly and then the teacher was like "winnieeeeee............" in her whole disapproving stare tone thing. and back then I was like so shy D: so I was so embarrassed and felt bad about it for like 2 weeks after that occurred.... also in y2, we had a reliever and we were doing something with paper, and I couldn't like cut it or something, so I went to the teacher and asked her to do it for me... and I didn't say 'please' or something, so she gave me this whole big lecture and I burst into tears ): I hate that reliever. she was the bitch that called me a little boy.

in y3, I remember in chinese school I had to write my birthdate and I couldn't remember what year I was born, but I knew it had like 1 9 and 3. so I took a wild guess and wrote down 30 July 1339.

in y4, I was made to dance with this creepy korean boy in my class (because I was too tall lol...) and the teacher was like "ok now hold hands" and we were both liek "rafjdslkjawefsklsflaskadsf. nooooo." and the teacher was like "are you going to do this or not? if you don't want to I can get you to clean the classroom or something..." DDD: I WAS MORTIFIED OK I was such a goodie goodie omfg lol I was scared of her for like the whole term.

in y5 I wrote many retarded stories about neopets. Don't make me retype them please lolol...

IN Y6. I WAS A PERFECT RESPONSIBLE SMART AND AWESOME MEMBER OF THE CLASSROOM AND I DID NOTHING STUPID. IT WAS THE BEST YEAR EVER. |:

see, at least not all my years in primary were idiotic. lol well anyway this has been a recap of the first few years of my 15 years I can remember, of the stupid things I did. So dw I'm not a super brain or anything, I'm probably more stupid than most people lol XD