to live is to be mortal...

I just got told that my grandpa passed away at lunchtime today

...

It came down on me like a rock. The thing is, I wasn't even that close to him, but the realisation of how fragile a human's life is really hit home. We're going to the hospital to see him later... I can already imagine seeing him and bursting into tears. You think of how he's not in the same world as us anymore, how he never even gets to see anything that happens from now on. You think of all the times you spent together, however brief, and how that other person who was living, breathing, talking to you at that time is no longer alive. It's a warped and twisted feeling...

I think the last few months I've hardly even talked to him. All I've really done is help him put his pills into bottles, change the time on his microwave and clock when there was a blackout, pour him tea... Although I knew that he was unhealthy, I honestly thought that he would last a few more years at least... is death really that sudden? I still don't even know what he had. I don't know anything about his illness, only his diabetes. I have no idea what kind of medical procedures he's been through, even though he's been living in the same house as me for the past 10 years. Even though it's like a stranger who was living in my house passed away, the fact that I know he was my maternal grandfather makes me guilty about not being more interested in his life. I guess that's just one of the things death does to you...

I can't even begin to imagine how my mum feels right now. I'm scared... to know the brevity of a human life, and to know how fast time passes, and how suddenly this came about, I'm scared. I guess I really am afraid of death. Having never come across it before in my life, and having someone in my immediate family just... disappear... it's a real eye opener. I guess the whole concept of death is so much more real to me now...

I can't help but think how life has its ups and downs. It's such a pity that when you're on a down it feels absolute shit and you just want it to be over, but you know the worse is yet to come.

In the end, I guess it's true that good and bad are ultimately in a balance. On a fine summer's day like this, something like this could happen... I guess the rain around 12.30 today wasn't so meaningless after all.

Our time certainly is finite.