Why...

Why does everyone update their blogs like a day before I update mine? Is everyone else against me or something? T_T

We had y11 outing today (I refuse to call it 'retreat', seriously who the hell thought of that...) I hope Kim did well on her internal. In terms of talking about self identity and happiness (as part of that talk today), I was thinking that happiness really comes with appreciation. The reason those celebrities are not happy, the reason we always strive for MORE, eg. winning the lotto, when compared to the rest of the world we are already considered inordinately lucky, is because we take everything we have for granted. Or rather not for granted, we simply don't appreciate it enough, because we have never known it any other way. We have gotten used to what we have, cannot imagine it any other way. There is no happiness without sadness. Without having experienced pain, how would we know what is bliss? It might as well be the same thing, right?

This is the reason why I want to try as much as I can in this lifetime. When I was younger I used to be scared of everything, I'd be scared of going down the escalator in case I missed a step and fell, I was scared of going down slides, I was scared of falling over when biking or rollerblading so whenever it got too fast I stopped, I was scared of being pushed on swings, I was scared of going to the bathroom at night, not because of the dark but because I thought I would accidently impale myself on a sharp object or trip over when I was on my way there due to lack of light. I was scared of going to sleep with a blocked nose because I thought I would stop breathing in the middle of the night and die in my sleep. I was scared of others not accepting me for who I was, so I was always neutral and quiet so there was no real reason to hate me. I was scared of my dad because he was scary when he yelled at me, in fact I think only 3-4 times in my childhood have I snapped so that I actually got out of line enough for my dad to yell at me; I cried all 3-4 of these times... I was scared of trying my best because I thought if I did and I failed it would hurt more... so much more...

But now I realise that I might as well go and experience these things so the good things are even better in comparison when they happen. I welcome change because it keeps things interesting. I am still scared of quite a lot, but I try to face it whenever i can. Of course there are some fears that simply can't be faced, such as my fear of death or paraplegism or brain degenerative diseases, or pain... Although with pain nowadays I just try to do it without thinking too much, if it has to be done. This is of course talking about physical pain only... Emotional pain is a lot more complicated, but I am not scared of it. On the contrary I seem to welcome it =/ at least it means I feel something for once.

If I can go out there and do everything I can and cram as much as I can into this lifetime I think I might even get over the ultimate fear of death... unlikely, because being me I always believe there is always more to be done. But thinking about it logically... we only have 1 shot at life. When it ends it ends. You won't feel it, see it, hear it, ultimately nothing will exist for you. Maybe people will remember you, maybe they won't. Maybe they will look over the things you wrote or did during your life, maybe they won't. But the point is you yourself will have no recollection of any of this so....

we should make use of all the time we have, every last second. For every second we use worrying, it is a second we have wasted where we could have done an action that will ultimately contribute to the end product of our "life movie", a second that we will never get back.

Let's waste less time thinking and use more time doing.

On a side note, I have my chemistry test for real tomorrow and a duathlon...
but I have art for the first time since friday so that's got to be a plus @_@ what's going to happen if I choose to drop it... asdlkfjskladfjlasd...