hm.. late night blog.

hahaha I love being a dork. (: ty laina and yujie~

anyway im not sure what I'm doing updating right now since its like 11.42pm and i updated yesterday already... hm.

just seems like im my worse enemy or something. like the hardest things i have to overcome is because of something i did in the first place... eh.

btw shut up laina&steph i finally got out of my denial about me liking that guy from art ok it's true I admit it now I like him and theres nothing I can do about it. T_T once again, setting myself up for failure. I'm not going to try pull anything on him. But after seeing how he can express himself on paper... I don't know. I'm really touched by the way he writes. This is so corny. Before, I told myself that I would go for him with everything that I've got, but now that I can see who he really is, I'm beginning to go back to how I was before, scared of rejection. I thought that it didn't matter, I was only interested in him, so even if he rejected me I wouldn't be losing that much. but I can see now that every person is more than just a flat screen. I think that now I'll try and be friends first. >>; I HATE HORMONES. WHY DO MINE ALWAYS MAKE ME GO FOR THE MOST UNATTAINABLE GUYS EVER.

I got told I was annoying the other day. not doing too well with my self-esteem here you know.

I figured out what I meant when I said that I have low self-confidence on solo at kahu. I realised that I always try to be the nice girl who everyone likes, and basically I always have to fit the expectations of everyone and be how they expect me to be. I feel dejected and sad, embarrassed even, when I fail to do this or I make someone unhappy. I'm always so cautious about people and how they feel, esp. religion wise, I always feel kind of upset when I slip out something that may be offensive to them. Without their approval of me filling their expectation, I have low self confidence. I feel like I'm nothing if noone likes me. what am I going to do about it? I have no idea. maybe in a month I'll know. Maybe a year, maybe it will take my whole life... but I know that I'll have to change. Even though making everyone happy makes me happy too, sometimes I end up doing things that I don't want to, just to make someone else happy. It's one huge paradox of confusions but maybe one day I'll figure it out.

And I realise that I've been acting like an ass towards certain people at certain times including steph so I'm sorry steph ok. I realised this a long time ago haha and i've been trying to stop but I still notice my inner ass coming out sometimes (OK, THAT SOUNDED REALLY REALLY WRONG AND GROSS LOL BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN) so i'm realllyyyy sorry >_<

ok i think that will be all for tonight. I do need my sleep you know, unlike eunji haha ^^; good night bloggers