i'm so bored

so yujie and steph suggested that I blog, but I cbs because then I actually have to think and type, and it's really hot and my computer is giving off heat atm (exothermic!) so my wrists are getting hot ):

yujie suggested that I reflect on these holidays. what have I accomplished?

1) sat my SATs on a SATurday (I'm lame, sue me)

2) broke up with will

3) pulled the first all nighter in my life, was completely out of it for ensuing days

4) got drunk, apparently (I beg to differ but majority rules)

5) was sad, happy, pissed off, stressed out... a lot of mood swings basically

6) covered some of the calculus course with kim :]

7) watched a lot of movies

8) had a primary school reunion, that was pretty fun

9) went out a LOT

10) had lots of FUN! :] and ready to start school again

ummm okay I guess I can elaborate? or something =__=

1) they were alright, not good not bad, I get my results back on feb 11th, the same day I have my next orthodontist appointment actually. the wires are starting to go into my cheek now =__= it's really annoying... I want my surgery already, I can't bite stuff with my incisors properly anymore ): okay wow off on a tangent. actually sunnii roh was sitting in front of me in the SAT, and it was in a lecture theatre so she was like BELOW me as well, so I could see her paper clear as day hahahaaha, but ofc they shuffled the sections so everyone had them in a dif order so I couldn't take advantage of that =P mannn that also means the average also got pulled up ==; not anticipating good results

2) speaks for itself. i'm totally over it i think. we're alllg I think. I'm pretty over relationships eh? feels good to be single again :] I can finally notice how hot guys are without feeling guilty again :]

3) yeah I was so out of it for the next few days... like sleeping 10 hours a night and stuff and feeling dead the whole day hahaha. but yea pulling allnighter isn't anything special, something to be avoided tbh. I don't understand the people who do it on will... I much prefer sleep >>

4) I resent this, was not drunk. anyway I calculated and 1/4 cup baileys is actually over 1 standard drink... but at the same time I won't deny that I'm a crap drinker haha

5) lonnng storryyy =___= I'm okay now (for the time being). well I certainly feel less alone anyway :] thanks to the support of many of my friends. I think I really learnt recently who I should go to for comfort and who to not bother talking to cuz they just make me feel worse...

6) We did quite a lot actually... well in most cases we got up to M questions and some E, and we didn't end up finishing integration (I'll look over it this weekend :]) but I've got a pretty good idea of what to expect in calc this year. as for schol.... yea I'm gonna die

7) well, I saw the vintner's luck, zombieland, 2012, new moon, this is it, avatar, sherlock holmes, the lovely bones in cinema... that's like... 90$ worth of tickets at least... x.x now I know where all my money went

8) it was fun assss~~~ it was so hot, we had ice fights and water fights hahaa and played touch for like 10 mins before just dying cuz of the heat... and we sent daniel off to get pizza and it took him like an hour (apparently he 'had to run some errands') all the teachers were having a meeting there too so we had some very short lived awkward convos with him hahaha. the oldest teacher there is 75 now! and still not retired @_@ we saw her driving away in the afternoon after the meeting... wtf in such good shape haha.

9) well yeah... I did. lemme check the stats... 32 days out of the house out of a possible 49... yes that's quite a lot lol >___<

10) YEA MAN IM TOTALLY READY FOR SCHOOL TO START ALREADY. holidays are dragging out a bit tbh. I wish I could just skip over these last days and add them onto my next holiday hahaha. if school started sooner the next holidays would start sooner too... here's hoping everyone had an awesome summer and is ready to start school again :] see you all back on wed!

updated.

I've been meaning to update for ages but never found the time, and I actually want to but I cbs right now and it's getting late and I'm tired, so I might update tomorrow morning when im not feeling so shit aye... look forward to it I guess =/

EDIT tues morning:

okay I lied, I forgot I was going out today so I'll update when I get back XD Seems like I'm procrastinatinggggg

EDIT tues evening:

mehhh. I was feeling pretty crap before. It seems like a lot of my close friends are just closer to other people now and i've been left behind =/ how ironic that the one with lots of friends isn't close to any of them... I talked to a few people, one of them gave me practical advice but did nothing for my emotions, and the other one directed me to starcraft 2 demos and assured me that he feels the same sometimes too, and that actually made me feel a lot better than real advice =_=

maybe it's all in my head, but I often feel like im not good enough for a lot of people. like im not smart enough, or pretty enough, or fun enough. lately I often feel as if I'm invisible, since I'm not really close to anyone and they have their own friends and inside jokes etc. it's true that it's hard to talk to a stranger when his best friend is with him. I guess other people are just better than me =/

I guess I sound like someone complaining about her life and I should really just stop whining and just go get friendly with people but I'm tired of just sitting back and taking everything. I'm allowed to whine sometimes too TT

WHAT IS THIS UNOVERCOMEABLE DESIRE TO BE LOVED

what's wrong with me

fml. gonna watch some more SC2 demos and listen to owl city. wish school would start already to give me some distraction to this shit

the afterlife

According to the dream I had last night, spirits that get sent up to the afterlife must have a density that is less than the density of clouds. I distinctly remembering at one point that I bounced off a cloud. The 'kingdom' up there resembles the forbidden city, and the ruler there is referred to by everyone as the King of Kronzel (BLACKBIRD, anyone? XD maybe an obsession seeped too far into my subconscious). He was dressed in ancient chinese emperor attire, with fancy hat and all. One of the king's well... apprentices? pageboys? was called Tobias. He was very mature for his age of 12. He was the only one who wasn't dressed weirdly, now that I think back... Just a white singlet and I dunno what pants he was wearing... WAS he wearing pants? I can't remember if he had legs. For some reason I thought he was my cousin who had died after I did o_o Humans still look like humans, except we have whispy smoky 'tails' as ghosts do (lolol I have such cartoonish dreams..)

One layer of clouds below the 'kingdom' (since we know that there are many layers of clouds, as one can observe when they go on a plane), there's a gatekeeper of sorts who determines who is meant to stay up in the kingdom and who's meant to go down to earth for a while (don't know why, maybe haunting duties hahahahaha). He's a dick. He actually PUSHED me off his cloud and out of his house so I fell all the way down to earth. I felt like an asteroid. For some reason though I KEPT FALLING, THROUGH THE EARTH AND OUT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE INNER CORE, and eventually ended up in the kingdom again haha. There are soldiers up there as well, I distinctly remember asking 2 young men for directions to the king's house. They were dressed like knights from the internet MMORPG ragnarok online and actually had legs.

Life was peaceful up there, I remember thinking just before I woke up that now I didn't have to be afraid of death, since I understood how wonderful and calm the afterlife is. What an empowering dream :] I wouldn't mind living in that afterlife.

EDIT: OH GOD I just realised how suicidal that last paragraph sounds HAHAHHAAHAH XD dw dw I will live my life to the fullest and THEN maybe enjoy this afterlife hahahah

I never expected it to hurt this much. I feel like it's only going to get worse for a while. But I have to tell myself that this decision was for the best. I'm sure that if I keep pushing forwards I'll come out of the raincloud and meet the rainbow at some point.

I don't know if I'm feeling regret or if it's just straight pain from a hard decision. I accept that things can never go back to how they were, or at least not for a while.

I realise that what we had was beautiful, and could have become even more beautiful, but I just ruined it because I'm a coward and seem to be afraid of beautiful things.

I do feel better being able to spill my feelings out like this, because my eyes are really tired from crying.

Hopefully we can both get over this eventually.

I'm not sorry.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010

TWENTY-TEN (not two thousand and ten, or two zero one zero, or two zero ten, or any of that retarded long winded crap) has arrived at last!!!

I have not slept for 37 hours starting from 7am Thursday 31st December 2009.

Woke up at 7am due to my crap old sony ericsson's alarm, and had to get to the bbq area in cornwall park at 9am to 'hog bbqs' with chen. I guess David didn't anticipate that everyone would want to use the gas bbqs and we were left with 5 free bbqs all to ourselves. During waiting, Chen and I witnessed a white guy drive his car into the parking lot, get out, look around conspicuously and then TAKE HALF THE FIREWOOD FROM ONE OF THE BBQS LOL. After loading it all into his boot, he just gets back in his car and drives away. Chen's thoughts: "That was SO ASIAN. and the guy was WHITE!?!?!!?"

mm, well when people finally arrived we had a bbq of course, took ages just to get the fire ready and had to go around finding something to start the fire ("a flint..?" "wait wtf. it's called a splint chen.") and had to go around and find an AXE... jono showed up in his like nissan 300ZX super decked out with huge speakers that u can see vibrate in the back and removable sunroofs, and we used that to annoy the hell out of everyone else in the park hahaha (which included, as we later found out, some of yujie's family friends). it was okay, the food was good, and after eating food there was a nissan march with a shark fin which was a kelly tarlton's car that pulled up in the lot and gave everyone free like... hat things? lmao, and u fold them around and one side is a shark and one side is a penguin. I was a penguin. kim was a shark. =P

jono's friends showed up in this beautiful nissan skyline. it was like. so shiny |: I only remember the driver was some buff asian dude in a tight yellow tshirt. I didn't care so much for him as his car omfggggg .... And then we did some random stuff cuz we got bored such as play a fail capture the flag, and then jeremy and david stuck yunbin's phone into a tree on the lower branch, and we all managed to convince him that it was up high, and he was looking up the entire time...

"SEE THAT LEAF? IT'S LIKE. RIGHT NEXT TO IT."

yunbin: "WHAT LEAF?!?!?!!"

"...you know, that green one!"

umm, that turned into just sitting in circles and talking, which resulted in games of snap and pulse hahaha. and then we just decided to leave~ The weather was beautifulllll, but it was a little cold.

After arriving at jamie's, I went to watch them practise with their band, ended up holding up davids folder and turning pages for him while he played his flute lol. they sounded really good! esp chen's singing, very impressive :] then they just gave up and chen started making dinner, and we all went down to the flat where gabby was embarrassed by her ex in the ags chronicle or something lol... I don't know, but there was a big chase during which jamie's yearbook was dented =P not to mention rose had drawn all over it in pen to label specific people... we had dinner, which was v nice. ty to chen and jamie's awesome parents :]

at 9.30pm, david set free the lantern that he worked so hard onn~~ and I helped with the calligraphy haha ^^ it was a surprise and it was good that it actually went up a bit, even if it fell down into the neighbour's house after it rose... it's okay, we got a few pictures and the neighbour's house was not set on fire. that's good enough I reckon. you can't think of it like your wishes going up and then crashing back down, you have to think of it like, you're sending your wishes up and the heavens are giving them back to you, ie. they will be granted :]

So, let's take a break in narration here to do some New Year's Resolutions!!

2009 resolutions:

1) stop slacking when it comes to your education - KIND OF. I have started studying for the SATs and am taking calc tutorials every monday with kim...

2) don't get distracted by stupid things - ??? still do this all the time =/

3) try new things - signed up for dragon boating next year, did debating & mediation

4) get better at old things - got better at badminton. (then got worse, but let's not go there)

5) take risks - TAKING ART AND NCEA. MIGHT NOT GET INTO AMERICAN UNI. D:

6) make new friends - lots and lots!!! tick ^^

7) get to know old acquaintances - same here~~~ tick

8) get hardout. im serious |: no more playing around, tiem to get serial about life. - ....I actually think I got more lax about life ):

So, this years NYRS???:

1) Do well on your SATs. I expect at least a 2200. Retake as many times as necessary.

2) Concentrate on school!

3) Don't ignore your friends and social life either!

4) Make the most of all the opportunities you've got in 6th form

5) Mature!!! Know when and how to handle different situations well etc.

6) Get more fit hahahaa

7) Be more independent :]

8) GET ENOUGH SLEEP

Yup I think that's a pretty good list for this year, I guess I'll review this next year this time then. Back to the narrative...

I got drunk (apparently). I still don't believe it, but I'm not one to judge since I don't know what it's meant to feel like >> I basically had like 1/4 cup of baileys mixed with milk, and I kept adding milk as I finished drinking. Anyway I ended up with a really red face and when hillie told me to get up and walk in a straight line I fell back on my chair >___> I still think that was my general lack of coordination though, but ofc people like to say that I was drunk... I could still see everything that was going on, still remember it lol and I could txt normally? Just, it felt really realy hot and like my heart was in my brain and my whole head was pulsing, and it felt like birds were flying around in my head. I drank 2L of water after that, and after a few trips to the toilet I was normal colour again and had a massive headache, so I had to have a panadol... in other words, I had like the LEAST amount of alcohol out of everyone who drank, and I had one of the most violent reactions. peanut had the same reaction as me, except she drank 1/2 cup baileys, like double the amount I had... I think that if I'd had as much as her, I would've seriously just been gone. verdict: winnie's alcohol tolerance is 0 and she will never drink again. >>

the rest of the night was a mix of GIRL TALK (with GIRLS, including will and david. =P) ie DMCs, playing singstarrr (funny story actually, I had 'never gonna give you up' stuck in my head all day today; it was like being rickrolled by myself...), and lol, eating? XD I don't really remember how all those hours passed by so quickly to be honest.

in the morning, everyone pretty much slept... I slept only for like 15 mins cuz jono was playing his weird sound clips on max volume next to my ear, apparently I slept through the lion king theme and the random mozzie sound, while david who was sleeping like 2m away was like twitching and could hear it hahahahaha... I sleep like a log..? but yeah I got woken up. it was pretty energizing for a 15 min nap though. the next 2 or so hours were spent harassing sleeping people basically. then we just had breakfast and bummed around for half a day, everyone half dead... couldn't get to sleep though for some reason. Played a few games of mahjong, won 2 lost 1, yea thats right beginner's luck every time I play cuz I forget how to play every time and have to be retaught hahaha =P so technically still a beginner..

after that, we decided to go down to the park to play basketball~! cleo got rejected by a little girl on the swing, and it was david, me & lucy against jono/jeremy/peanut or yb/wenzin/jamie which was uhh. a little unfair? david's advice: "JUST SLAP HIM!" I ended up doing that |: I'm sorry jono...

My grandpa got admitted to hospital last night because he was having breathing difficulties, he has too much liquid in his system and it's been sitting for a longer time than usual cuz dialysis is delayed due to public holidays =/ hope he turns out okay, that's not a very good way to start the new year...

Although, I can't believe today is new years. it just feels like a really long day for me lol... like, last night felt like new years cuz we were doing all the celebrations, but today is just like, "OMG. IM TIREDDDDD. CAN I SLEEP?"

...I have not slept for 38 hours starting from 7am Thursday 31st December 2009. I actually feel pretty okay in terms of energy levels, not too tired hahaha but i think my eyes are like a panda's... I guess I should actually get to sleep soon lol.

I'd like to say a massive THANK YOU to all my friends for being there for me this year, it's been great, I hope to go through BIGGER AND BETTER times with all of you in 2010!!! :] you've been there for me when I'm down to make me smile, sometimes when I've smiled you've come to make me sad, but then I try to convert some of my smile to you as well. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but we have to try since we're friends right? YOU'RE ALL AWESOME, I love you all equally ♥

ANYWAY, HAPPY NEW YEARS TO EVERYONE! hope you had an awesome first decade of the 21st century and let's all join together to make the decades in the future even more memorable!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS :]

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I hope everyone had a good Christmas :] The beach was gorgeous, and the sand was uh. scorchingly memorable. =P like you could seriously see the heatwaves... i still have a gradient tan on my legs tho ): As you can see, we built an awesome couch out of sand and made our names with shells on the back like asians hahaha

On Christmas eve, I was supposed to go to sleep at 10.30 cuz I was gonna wake up at 6.30 the next morning, but ended up getting into a philosophical debate with karl so didn't get into bed til like 11.30. Then, as I was drifting off to sleep at last, it turned to midnight and I got MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! txts DDDD: so I was pretty tireddd... but last night was meannnn :] lucy came back!!! and I played guitar hero for the first time in my life. Easy mode is too easy, medium mode is too hard >>; figures. And we played snap, for the first time in my life i didn't end up losing, althought I do have a bruise on my hand haha. Loser of each round has to drink from a mix of juice and vinegar. makes your stomach hurt man... and then played singstar and hsm singalong haahaha got owned by chen for high school musical. too pro >>;

today? not so much... I woke up at 6.30 out of habit or something from yesterday. totally owned the whole day, had to clean windows for half the day and then go out to north shore where we tried to look for boxing day deals but there wasn't really anything that was worth it and that we actually needed =/ went to dinner with family friends and the adults as usual talked for ages so I was sitting there silently sigh. Their son is like 3 years older than me, 2nd year uni. We kinda used to be friends when we were all young and juvenile like 5 and 8 etc, but now looks like the maturity gap is too big haha =P

well, this has still been one of the best christmases I've ever had though. :] hope everyone's holidays are going good and everyone had an enjoyable noel!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY BOXING DAY 2009

roll on new years...

retail therapy

man, I was so bored today that I decided to go to newmarket and spend money. =P

it's the first time I've gone shopping in agesssssssss. feels good~ a lot of stores were having big sales for xmas. I managed to find a few tops at valleygirl and a dress at orange gal (seriously, what is it with incorporating some form of the word 'girl' into shop names)~ here's the dress ^^

went down from $99 to $39 *___* totally asian thrift shopping here lol. I wanted to find a nice pair of flats since I don't own any but is it just me or are all the flats on sale right now either ridiculously expensive or hideous looking? =_=

apart from that I couldn't find anything else worth it... spent $72.50 in total including bus fares and a nice ice coffee from michel's patisserie :]

maybe there'll be more sales for boxing day? :D

MY HOLIDAYS.

this is what it looks like right now. the red stuff is days im busy. lollllllll I'm SO BUSY. also the 20th IS meant to be crossed out for vicky's party. i just suck and forgot about it when i was doing this chart >>

today, I went to newmarket with timmy and his friends. he failed cuz it was meant to be yesterday and out of the 20 people invited, 4 people turned up. we sat around waiting to see if anyone else was gonna come for like an hour, and then walked around trying to find food cuz some people didnt have breakfast... and ended up in 277 where they ate, and then we went to smiggle and whitcoulls for like another hour. it was very carefree, and i liked it haha. like, we were standing in whitcoulls and someone asked "...weren't we gonna see a movie today?" "oh yeah at 12!" "it's 1.30 already.." hahahaah xD we ended up wating 2012. it exceeded my expectations and somehow kept me alert for 3 hours so I guess it's a success in my book. wish I coulda stayed longer but then i had to get picked up haha. also, the warehouse is having a perfume sale on selected perfumes. elizabeth arden's provocative woman 50ml is 35 bucks, in case laina's interested. we ended up buying a CK in2u lol. it smells okay i guess

monday's calculus class was quite fun. I learnt a lot, but I still don't know how to do some of my homework ): it's harddddd. and according to kim "trig is one of the easier topics" lololol. o well I think we're moving on to another topic next week so hopefully that'll be better >> but kim is a very good teacher! very patient and hardworking haha I think she spent more effort on the notes than I spent actually learning D:

mm xmas party was quite fun, you can read yj's blog about it haha, since I cbs repeating everything she said. I met a lot of people :] it was good. but now im pretty tired lol since I haven't had my 'rest day'. I have to have a day in between social outings to recharge and have some alone time >> I hope the orthodontist doesn't talk to me too much tomorrow.

xmas in the parkk && others

the fireworks were awesome!! here's a video taken by tony. I think there was actually another bit after that which was even bigger but he missed it cuz it felt like it was actually over. kind of like in a music piece when people start clapping after the end of a movement when the piece is actually not finished haha.

OH WAIT. here's the second part

all in all a pretty good day. I went to dymocks beforehand to get my prize book hahaha (yes, after prizegiving). I found that marcus chown wrote another book similar to "quantum theory will not hurt you" called "we need to talk about kelvin". So far he does not disappoint :] $5 well spent I think.

After that, I went to galaxy net cafe to watch tony/yb/david/jamie play what has to be the most intense game of dota I have ever watched. I think the game flipped like 3 times, at first david was owning and then the other team destroyed all their towers and invaded their town but somehow they turned it around again and ended up winning after 2 of the players of the other team ragequit and their throne was about to be destroyed when yb just yelled RUSHH AND DESTROY THEIR THRONEEE. and they ended up winning. close game :] it was actually pretty good to watch, like watching a movie.

then was dinner where I didn't buy anything and just scabbed off everyone else. I actually ended up pretty full. Feel kinda bad for tian but tony actually couldn't finish so I don't feel any guilt about eating his food... even tho he was pretty much "omfg gtfo"ing at me haha

there were lots of people at xmas in the park. we couldn't really see the stage but it's not like we were watching anyway hahaha I think the others played king while will, tony, hillie, tian and I were listing disney movies... and then we did some other random stuff after that that I don't remember. I saw hao and william from china camp again!! and then I stole william's glow stick but he came back for it half an hour later. XD

we almost got lost coming back but it was allll g. david drove me home and I had to lie about taking the bus that i'm pretty sure my dad didn't believe since he was standing in front of the gate the whole time and didn't see a bus lololol... my parents were trying to call me the whole night but due to crap reception and lots of people ended up in a bit of stress. oh well I don't care about that much, even though my mum kept going "come home now its too late" I wasn't gonna miss the fireworks for her D:

IT WAS WORTH IT IN THE END. LOOK HOW PRETTY THEY ARE.

----

I also realised that I missed my blog's second birthday hahaha but yeah, my blog is now 2 years old! :] It's been a really long time since the days of bernie's emoing and my efforts to counter them haha but somehow these blogs continued to live on ^^

and my 11th year of school life has ended abruptly with an emotional prizegiving. I have to say it was the best prizegiving I've been to thus far (is it just me or did mrs robertson make more jokes in her speeches than she usually does?). let's hope our last days at school can be equally as awesome when we get there in 2 years' time!

ITS GONNA BE A HOT SUMMER GUYS. better make the most of it yeaahhhhh ^^ I'm gonna enjoy my summer, with the calc and sat classes. seriously though in between those im gonna try to party hard and make sure its a summer i dont regret. when new years rolls around it's time to make new years resolutions again and review the ones i made for this year... which btw I actually don't even remember anymore ):

life is more about discovery than learning

QUOTE:

"My advice to a high school student interested in science as a career would be to forget all the stuff they tell you in the textbooks about the answers. My advice to a high school sophomore or junior considering a career in science would be to close the science textbook for a minute and forget all the answers that their texts purport to be telling them.

What you should steep yourself in is the ignorance, in what we don't know.

What is fascinating about science is to define the questions.

When we teach science in the high schools we try to teach people all the answers. Well, that's the answers to old dusty questions.

What we should be teaching people is how to ask good new questions. It is a tremendous art to ask good questions. To look at a situation and see that there is something going on and articulate clearly what is it that you want to know about that. To be willing to risk and to explore.

I'm sorry in a way that we don't capture it in the high school textbooks, high school curriculum, because we have to impart knowledge. But in fact it is ignorance that drives us. If we had knowledge about everything there would be no point in going into science.

And so what we have to do is convey our tremendous excitement about our ignorance, the wonderful potential of ignorance, and then we have to teach people how it is that you take raw ignorance and turn it into processed ignorance, and processed ignorance, well-defined ignorance, well-asked questions that we don't know the answer to, that's the root of experiment. It is processed ignorance, carefully constructed ignorance, and apply it to the situations.

I think kids interested in science should look around the world and start asking questions. And don't worry so much about all the facts that are in the books. Ask questions."

- Professor Eric Lander, Professor of 7.012 (Introductory Biology), Director of the Broad Institute, Co-Chair of Obama's President's Council on Science and Technology.

I think the above quote is very relevant to our generation. It's important to remember that exams aren't everything, and that life is truly about discovery rather than learning... not just in science but in all other aspects as well, I think :] anyway good luck to everyone for their exams

study leave

I think I make very good use of my study leave. =P chikorita! paper pokedoll ^^ took me like the whole day, no joke. probably because I used printer paper instead of thicker nicer paper, and my printer is black and white so I had to colour pencil the whole thing. The leaf is gonna fall off >__< oh well not too bad for a first attempt?

Adults are human too

As we grow up, we start to realise that everybody is human, everybody is equal. People who we thought were all-knowing, the teachers, our parents, the adults of the world, seem so much less significant. We understand that they are nothing special anymore, that they are just as uncertain as we are, that there was never any safety net for us to fall onto even though we felt so secure with their decisions before.

When we were younger, their word was law. If a grown up told us that 2+2=5, then it must be true. We never resisted, they knew more than us. We succumbed, because we thought everything they said was correct.

As we grow up, we realise that the world is not painted in black and white. There is no right or wrong. A million shades of grey flash before our confused eyes every day, and nobody knows what to do about it. There are people who try to make sense of it all, to perhaps categorise the greys into darker and lighter, and eventually into black and white. But others, like me, believe that it just can't be done. grey is grey, no matter how you look at it...

But that's a scary thought. Adults aren't all knowing. So where does that leave us? We don't have anything to fall back on anymore. It's up to us to create our own morals, decisions. We can't turn to them to make our decisions for us anymore. They know as much as we do and, in certain cases, perhaps less. It certainly makes me feel extremely insecure in my decision making to know that even my parents aren't sure about what they want for me, about what I should have for myself.

Or sometimes, the flipside occurs and they make decisions for you that you don't want. You know that they've made a mistake, a common human error, since they're as human as you are... but they are adults. We are merely teenagers; they still hold power over us in this world. What then?

I always thought that my parents were pretty perfect. I always thought they had the perfect morals, their word was law, everything in the world was exactly as they said. But lately I think I'm realising that they are human too, and the corruptions of humanity affects them as well. ...Adults are no saints. Lately I realised just how much some of my parents ideals and morals go against my own. But what can I do? I'm just a kid in their eyes.

I won't complain about them. Whenever I do, people agree with me and I get pissed off because I think, what right do you have to critisize my parents? But then again I brought it upon myself I suppose. It seems like a lot of parents are this way though. Humans eh? I still love my parents. But that's why it bothers me so much... something that I can't control. Aaah I feel so useless.

It's a paradox, they want me to do something, but for all the wrong reasons... so do I do it? I want to do it too, but for myself, not for them. I don't want to do it so they can fulfill their reasons for wanting me to do it... but why would I sacrifice myself for them? Yet, if I do succeed, I'll be happy but at the same time it's cancelled out because they won as well. ...Looks like it's always gonna be lose-lose for us kids.

I guess we just have to wait our turn.

yujie made me.

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A KID:
1. I play pokemon (yeah play as in present tense)
2. I love lego :D
3. I still watch cartoons and animated pixar disney films.

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD:
1. I'm 16. Old enough.
2. EXAMS IN 14 DAYS
3. I'm old enough to not be able to get childs fares and kids packs when I go on flights ):

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO:
1. Be young forever (I think 17 or 18 seems like an optimal age) and be IMMORTAL HAHAHAHA.
2. Make pancakes
3. GO TO MIT. omg.

THREE WAYS THAT I'M A STEREOTYPICAL "BOY"
1. My room is so messy that my parents refer to me as a boy =_=
2. I know the lyrics to taylor swift songs. Yes, this is in the right section
3. I like having short hair.

THREE WAYS THAT I'M A STEREOTYPICAL "GIRL"
1. I have two X alleles
2. I like pretty things and cute things (:
3. Taylor Lautner is hot.

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. Driving by myself >> maybe if I get my restricted...
2. Calc schol. Yes I am going to die.
3. STUDYING :D

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I suck so much at certain things that it's actually entertaining to other people to see my fail. Whatever makes your day (:
2. I'm not stupid. Sometimes.
3. I am extremely, extremely lucky. Well I think so. (:

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I tend to be arrogant haha
2. I'm stupid. A lot of the time.
3. I don't work hard enough ><

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Born in GZ, like 234092843 other people
2. came to NZ when I was 3
3. - ...i have a boring heritage

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Being alone
2. Dying
3. Solar powered lamps at night

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Food and water
2. Oxygen
3. Clothing

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Lick my elbow
2. Read people's minds
3. Like fruits

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Science/engineering
2. Architecture
3. Assassin/ninja

TEN things you wish you could say to ten people right now: (no specific order)
this section got deleted when my post failed and i cbs doing it again

EIGHT ways to win my heart
1. Understand
2. Accept things as they are
3. Be honest
4. Make me laugh
5. Teach me things
6. Intelligence
7. Being goodlooking and tall never hurt anyone
8. Or rich... -gold digger-

ELEVEN people who mean a lot to you (In no order):
1. Family
2. Mollies
3. Friends who are not mollies
4. People I have heard of
5. Strangers I see on the street
7. Everybody else in the world
8. Aliens
9. Extra-universal aliens
10. The creator of the universe
11. Max and mariel. (they made me)

FIVE things that cross your mind a lot
1. That ____ is _____
2. I'm bored. what should I be doing...
3. When's lunch
4. I'm tired
5. I wonder ______ (insert random thought here. I solved the mule cloning thing btw.)

FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:
1. Charge my phone
2. Turn off the lights
3. Take off my glasses
4. Mental check list of everything that I need to do the next day when I wake up.

THREE songs that mean something to you:
1. I'm yours, Jason Mraz
2. Light Surrounding You, Evermore
3. Bai se feng che, Jay Chou

TWO confessions:
1. I am actually a man.
2. That was a lie.

ONE thing you're thinking about right now:
1. What did Mr. Chemistry just say? (totally studying atm)

Do you have a busy weekend coming up?
studystudystudystudy...

Does it make you mad when people stare?
Nope. A bit unnerving though.

How did you get your last bruise?
I walked into an iron bar

What are you doing Thursday?:
Going to school and then I have a dentist's appointment (:

Who is your last text message from?:
Billy

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you?
Nah it's alllg (: I say hi back. maybe we can be friends.

What do you find most beautiful?
Life is beautiful, if you appreciate it.

I am manly.

cosplaying morinozuka takashi from ouran high school host club, armageddon 09 sunday. I have glasses in this photo cuz im blind, but I think during the day I took them off for photos and stuff (: IM MANLIER THAN YOU. overall it was an awesome experience. A lot of people just came up to me and asked for hugs or photos. I felt very approachable ^^ But... I got mistaken for Sherry 3 times during the day.. it was quite flattering hahaha she's way prettier than me @_@

most frequently said phrases said during the day include 1) "This is not my real hair" 2) "I'm not Sherry" and 3) "I'm not really this tall!!!" Tammy made me wear her 10cm high platforms cuz the real mori is supposed to be like 6 foot hahaha

Watched the cosplay chess, ran into ming and jaever, then went to have photoshoot in the stands (: got blinded by the huge light reflector.. gahhh it was so hot. Then I left the cosplay group to walk around and went to hang out with allan and tony and their friends. Will walked past me 3 times looking for me. Apparently he couldn't recognise me. TOO MANLY. Watched allan's friends play magic.. went to buy slushies which sufficed for lunch, and then left them to rejoin the ouran group and hold panel.

Totally had to wing the panel cuz nobody told me I would be doing it... but it's okay, mori is silent so all I had to do was sit there being silent. quiet characters ftw!!

After panel, Tony'd left and I thought everyone else had left too... so I walked around for a while and went around with some Y8s from st cuths and kelly, who spilt ketchup over my blazer hahaha thank god that was AFTER panel :D she wouldn't stop apologising but oh well.. accidents happen. Then I left them and walked around cuz I wanted to look around cuz I had no idea where anything was (new layout is confusing...) and saw ming (kim's brother's friend) at the pokemon stand. I asked if I could have a poster. He said no. ):

Then allan and his friends ran into me while I was watching pokemon game... and basically spent the whole afternoon playing rockband/band hero and running around trying to find free stuff and getting tired, collapsing in chair and watching them play magic the gathering and finally going home.

OMG WHAT A TIRING DAY. but it was fun. way better than last year (: looking forward to next year.

this blog entry

...is a good indication of how I am (not) studying for exams. nonetheless, I can't resist showing this kumon english answer that my dear brother has crafted:

note how he started writing 'hardcore' but then stopped for a better word... 'godmode'. I loled so hard when I was marking this.

other than the small things in life that make me oh-so-entertained, exams start tomorrow @__@ and I have PSATs on saturday. SATurday, as steph wisely noticed. I will never look at saturdays in the same way again ):

now that the bus lockout/strike is over, I am slightly happier (: but, the weather compensated and it poured down today. The weather report says that it will be sunny tomorrow, which is good. I will be happy when doing my french exam (: I really should study the vocab and structures for it but alas, I am tired and it feels like friday...

ms binedell wants me to do that uni maths thing that kim had today )))): IM GOING TO FAIL AND DIE. it's like no matter what I do maths is going to come and eat me. if I do ncea, I have to do this uni thing. and if I do ib, HL maths is going to tear me apart T__T AAAAAA

okay seriously I'm going to get off now. because I totally need to study >>;
-goes on msn-