winter!

It's the 1st of June today. Finally winter has arrived for 2011 ... despite all the freezing cold days we had in the middle of autumn the first day of winter wasn't so bad. The sky is blue outside, and it was pretty warm because of the sun. Today was a pretty nice day.

Hmmm what's on my mind? It's the middle of exams. Just wanna get through this week....

Some good things happen in my life, and some bad (?) things happen in my life too. Pretty neutral right now, so it's good haha. I think I can keep this up. Actually it's pretty interesting, when I was writing my english essay today in my exam it made me think of my own life lol.... this caused my Lear essay to come out really circular and pedantic in places and I didn't really like it but oh well :/ that's what you get for not planning properly???

Actually this year is really short. We only get 3 terms, and this term is split in half cos of exams, and next term we have exams too... I think graduation is gonna creep up on us really quickly. I don't really know if I want to graduate though. I'm probably gonna cry ): Growing up is so hard....

hummmm I guess I'm just in a very random floaty mood today? I was pretty tired in my physics exam, couldn't be bothered... like the paper just seemed sooooo long.


Very true I think.

"You can't change your situation. The only thing you can change is the way you deal with it.” ~50/50 Trailer

Yeah there's your wisdom from me today :) Gonna go see 50/50 when it comes out hahaha... in like... a year probably lol.

Oh well. Here's hoping this year's winter will be a good one. :)

[EDIT]
7.43pm.
Actually you know what, I just went back through some of my old entries, and I was so INSPIRED. Like actually. I don't know how I came up with all that crap to write back then, but I did. And also it annoys me because due to some editting errors huge chunks of some entries are missing now and it pisses me off cos it's like part of my life got deleted.

I don't have to talk about anything particularly philosophical or thought provoking to blog. I never did. Some people say I've changed a lot but actually if I go back to the inner workings of my mind back then I haven't changed that much at all. Except maybe now I'm less creative and have less to say, and stuff just doesn't flow as well when they come out of my brain into my fingers and onto the keyboard.

Back then I was not restricted by secrets, or not wanting people to know about me. I wasn't someone who had secrets. I had nothing to hide. I wish so badly that I was like that again... these days every 2nd thing I say I feel like someone's judging me. WHY? Is it that society was always like that and I was just blissfully ignorant or is it just that as we grow up people's mentality actually goes backwards in maturity? I just don't understand!!!!!

I know not what to make
of your
half thought
stupidly solid
'expertise'
that you can say
who I am
where I do not understand
'myself'

I AM A LOCKED WINDOW
Yet you have never tried
looking at the door

it was open until
you blocked it off
with empty boxes and balloons
and then left them there
and walked away
complaining
about the window being locked

nobody can get in now
thanks a lot, jerk.

the power of music

I think the quote above is so potent. As NZ music month draws to a close, I can't help but write the post on music that I never got around to before. Personally, I don't consider myself a particularly musical person. Compared to all the amazing musicians I know, I'm worse than an amateur.

When I was 10, having just been accepted to St. Cuth's, my mum had this idea that everyone there would be able to play a musical instrument. So, she made me start learning the piano so I wouldn't be disadvantaged when I went there in year 7. I didn't particularly like it at first; I hated the practice... but over time it really grew on me. As the songs I could play got more complex and better sounding, not so juvenile and simple, I began to like it more and more. Over the next 6 years, I had lessons with 3 different teachers and sat a grade 5 music theory exam. I never took any formal performance grades. It came to a point where I no longer had time to invest so much time in piano, so I stopped taking lessons. My once perpetually short nails were left to grow for weeks before I had to cut them, and the piano grew a layer of dust over its cover. But, I still printed sheet music to play around with. If I try to play any of them they are never perfect and I can't be bothered to practise them until they are. That's why when I hear performance pieces played by people at school I'm always so amazed that they can get through the whole thing without making a single mistake. Even when I had lessons and we had concerts, I would always have at least 1 slip up in every performance. Maybe I'm just not suited for playng music?

Apart from the piano, I also own 2 guitars that I play around with sometimes. I have no idea about proper strumming techniques and my fingers are nowhere near calloused or well trained enough to play for long periods of time. Plus my fingers are short so bar chords are really hard for me. But it's nice to have that minor hobby. Being able to play some really basic chords is enough for people to think you know how to play tbh... when I was younger I really wanted to learn the violin as well. There was something attractive to me about its elegance and the serene aura of someone playing it. A lot of my friends played the violin as well, which made me jealous. My mum wanted me to play cello at one point as well, but I thought it was a little big for me at age 10 haha. Hmmm, and lots of people have told me I seem like a flute player. I find flutes very elegant as well haha. Mannn I wish I was more talented.

Leopold Stokowski's quote really does ring true to me though. As an artist, I can relate to painting on a canvas. I can't help but think how much harder it is to paint on silence; painting on a canvas is simply transforming 2 dimensional space. Sculpture even is just a permutation of 3 dimensional space. But music.... being able to manipulate the 4th dimension, time, is amazing. Once you play a note, that note is forever trapped in the past. If it's the wrong note, we can't go back to change it whereas on a canvas we can simply cover it with something else. The whole musical piece is like a painting that can only be experienced over a period of time. However, where in art we can spend hours staring at a work studying all its intricacies, a piece of music is ephemeral and has a fleeting nature that makes it all the more elusive and precious. Music seems to be the only everyday way for us to master 4 dimensions. Listening to a piece of music over time is stirring as we react once and only once to every note, and we react differently when all these notes are strung together. With only 12 notes, music has the power to anger, placate, stir happiness or melancholy. Even with billions of shades of colour, art simply does not have the same power. One is more likely to be moved to tears by a piece of music than a painting. Each time music is played, something is different. The air moves differently, the pluck of a string leaves a different vibration, the feeling invoked is not the same; music is forever changing. Would it not be a miracle to see a painting that changed every time we looked at it?

I'm really inspired by music, even if it is not as big a part of my life as it is of others. Music's beauty in an aural sense intrigues me; to someone who deals with visual aesthetics mainly, the idea of something that can also be 'beautiful' that we cannot see but still detect with our other senses is fascinating. There's just something precious about the untouchable quality of music suspended in time. Each arpeggio, staccato, acciaccatura... once played and heard, disappears into the past, never to be experienced again. Are you listening? Music is transient. Don't just look at the world around you, remember to just stop sometimes and take in all the sounds as well; otherwise, you'll miss that beautiful harmony that will never be played ever again.

if I dated myself...

I wanted to make this blogpost last night when I had nothing to do. OMGGGGG did realise that BLOGSPOT is an anagram of BLOGPOST??? :OOOO I just realised when I typed this holy shit.

anyway, what would your relationship be like if you dated someone just like you...? (in my case, a guy who is like the male version of me).

Hmmm. He would be tall, have a strong jawline and wear glasses :) He would have really hairy arms and hands. He would have comparatively small hands and feet. He would be really weird at times, immature at some times and serious in others. Annoying when bored. Shy sometimes. Gentleman :) He would be deep at times and cbf in others. He would be a total nerd.

We will go through phases of questioning our love for each other and tend to ignore the other person for a while before we miss them and come back. It's fine if these times coincide with each other tbh lol because it's annoying when I'm trying to avoid someone and they keep trying to find me... We'd probably have a lot of conversations about what loving someone really means. But in the end I'd know we feel the same way about each other no matter if it's love or not so it doesn't matter.

But he would always be a total romantic on valentines day.

If we lived together, we could go days without talking to each other. I could come home and see him doing his own thing and I'd say hi and go off and do my own thing. If we had a child it would probably be the most neglected thing ever HAHAHA... Our house would be messy as hell and we'd have to hire a cleaner. We'd watch movies together every time we're bored and feel like it. He likes chick flicks and I like action movies involving hot girls.

We'd critique each other's appearance in our heads but tell the other person they're really good looking :P

If I txted him sometimes he wouldn't reply and I'd get upset and think he's ignoring me. So if he txts me sometimes and I don't reply then he'll get upset and think I'm ignoring him. Or maybe we'd never txt each other since I never really txt anyone but wait for them to txt me... LOL thinking about this is so weird.

I wonder if a relationship with a male me would ever work out lol. It's pretty weird thinking about it, but we seem to complement each other okay? It would be a livable life hahahaha.

In life news, I went to Wellington again last Tuesday for the NZ Top Scholars' prizegiving ceremony, and WOOWWW everyone is soooo smart. I feel so privileged to even be in their presence omg ): must work harder. Came 3rd in the nationals for NZYPT today tho :) found that new ipod shuffle has a crappy design in that the clip can't really be used without accidentally pressing the back button... life is so busy!!!! ): no time to update blog or even to think about something to write about.

I really don't care about the anti-asian stuff in the news lately or w/e, I think the media has sensationalised it further than it's worth, what the guy is trying to say isn't even as a bad as people are thinking, he's also ignorant and is therefore not worth my time nor attention. anyone who lets themselves get seriously angry about this guy is imo just playing into his stupidity, he's just looking for attention. i realise I'm somewhat hypocritical for even including such a paragraph here so I will just stop talking about it now.

In response to people freaking out about 2012

This is my geo schol essay from a few weeks ago, with the endnotes/references taken out. thanks to tian for helping me with the introduction. got a 7/8 for this one :)

like seriously you superstitious people... calm the fuck down.


Critically evaluate the following quote:
“The impact of natural disasters has risen dramatically over the past 20 years.”
Over the past 20 years, the economic, physical and psychological impact of natural disasters has risen dramatically mainly due to the two largest differences between the world now and the world 20 years ago – our population is much greater and our technology far more advanced. Population growth and urbanisation consequently lead to pressure to settle on marginal land and develop more built environments that could be potentially damaged, whereas the development of technology and industry makes us both more at risk and more aware of natural disasters when they occur. Superstitions also to some extent increase the psychological impact of natural disasters on humans more than they did 20 years ago (See fig1)

Fig 1:



The effect of population growth on the growing impact of disasters is evident if the definition of a ‘natural disaster’ is analysed – a disaster is only devastating if it affects humans. Since there are more humans on Earth compared to 20 years ago (in 1990 the world population was around 5.2 billion – in 2010 it was 6.8 billion ), when a natural disaster strikes it is likely to cause more deaths than 20 years ago simply due to the fact that there are more people around. Furthermore, due to the increase in population, humans have had the need to inhabit areas that are perhaps not ideal for living, either due to lack of other spaces or for resources. In the past, the most devastating floods have been on the banks of Yellow River in China (it is speculated that up to 4 million people may have died due to a Yellow River flood in 1931 ), where a lot of people lived for the richness of the soil. In the last 20 years, as economic growth has become a priority of many countries, populations have inclined towards trade routes, especially ports and coasts. San Francisco is such an area as despite the high frequency of earthquakes (thousands each year ); many people live there as it is a primary port for export and import of resources. The impact of natural disasters such as inundations and tsunamis has therefore risen due to the increase in population in these areas that make humans more susceptible to them.

Humans have also relocated themselves into more concentrated city populations (in 1975 about 40% of the world’s population lived in large cities, in 2005 it was 60% ) where economic and industrial growth has created a more built environment that could potentially be damaged. The impact of natural disasters on the economy has thus risen dramatically as there is a need to repair structures such as buildings or bridges that have been damaged as quickly as possible, mainly due to the large population in cities who require residence and transport. Additionally, most people die not directly from the earthquakes themselves but from their effects on the surrounding environment. The co-existence of densely packed structures and the concentrated population in large cities mean that when a natural disaster strikes, it becomes many times more dangerous due to the number of unstable structures.

It is not only development in industry that has increased the impact of natural disasters; major development of technology can also play a big part in increasing the consequent damage of disasters. For instance, the 2011 Japanese tsunami became much more devastating and dangerous due to the presence of nuclear technology ; the threat of radioactive contamination would not have existed had an earthquake occurred in the past.

The nature of communication in the modern world is also much more technologically advanced than in the past. When there is a natural disaster, the news is able to reach many more people than before, in a fraction of the time it used to -- the mental and emotional impact caused by natural disasters has certainly risen dramatically. Over time, most of the Earth’s geographical area has also been mapped out due to the rising population. Where an earthquake could occur without anybody’s knowledge before, it is almost certain now that it will be reported due to people inhabiting most of the world’s land area. Humans have also developed more sensitive seismographic tools and knowledge of the movement of tectonic plates that they did not possess in the past and are far more able to cope with even small scale events. Humans are now even able to predict the likelihood of a natural disaster occurring in the near future (Many disaster warning systems was only implemented in the 1990s ). This means that the number of reported and recorded natural disasters has definitively increased from 20 years ago (see fig. 2, note significant increase in reports of natural disasters in 1990s, direct result of implemented warning systems). Obviously, people can only be affected by disasters that they have knowledge of, thus due to this increase in knowledge of the occurrences of natural disasters, the impact of such natural disasters also must increase.

Fig. 2 :


Natural disasters no longer simply affect those involved as victims, but the global population as a whole. When a natural disaster occurs in another part of the world, it is now expected that more able countries offer their aid – for instance, in response to Hurricane Katrina, nearly 100 other countries donated money, food or medical aid. The media plays a significant role in sensationalising natural disasters, the effect being that many more people not only know about a disaster when it occurs but also have access to images and footage taken of the event. Internet media and discussion boards also fuel this sensationalism as superstitions of the end of the Mayan calendar “2012” apocalypse theory (first widely publicised in 2006 ) arise whenever there is a major natural disaster in the world. The psychological impacts of this are obvious – the ‘official’ site for the 2012 apocalypse has almost 200 000 hits and there was even feature film produced in 2009 . 20 years ago, there was no such superstition, nor did the internet exist to provide a ground for people to discuss their thoughts and fears, so in this regard today natural disasters have far more psychological impact on humans than before.

Evidently, the changes the world has undergone in the last 20 years have contributed to the increased impact of natural disasters on our global population. Due to rising population and urbanisation, there are now a lot more structures and people that can be affected by natural disasters. Furthermore, technological advances have made communication more efficient and the news much more accessible, thus the presence of natural disasters now not only affects the victims but the global population as well. The impact of natural disasters, whether physically, economically or even psychologically on the population of the world has undeniably risen, even if it is questionable whether their frequency or potency has changed or not.

just a rant.

I sat here for a long time trying to think of how to start...
My mind's still blank :/


Optimism and Pessimism by Sergio1970

I guess..... I've been trying to run from reflecting on myself for a long time. But I've realised that I don't really know myself as well as I would like. Everyone can tell me things about myself, but I just need some time to work out who I am for myself. Because I've hurt a lot of people recently without meaning to. I don't think enough about my actions. And I don't want to go down the road like so many people I know have gone down, into a road of apathy and cynicism. Maybe I'm already in the middle of it, or maybe I've hit the end. It doesn't matter, I want to turn around now.

So I will.

It won't be easy for sure. Changing yourself never is. But... I'll try at least.

So, I'm sorry... for everything. I know I'm not the nicest person anymore, I know I'm a shadow of the awesome person I used to be. So, I'm trying as hard as I can to backtrack and become a better person again.

My 14 year old self did warn me to never take this path. I didn't want to listen before, but I realise now that I was right all along as a child. I should trust childish instincts more.

I don't want to be corrupted by this world anymore.

Life is cruel, and it wants to push us into corners, harden ourselves up, put up spikes and protect and hide ourselves from it, or to attack it head on. I'm tired of fighting. I won't let life get the better of me, strip away my childish ideals and become an adult that doesn't see any happiness in the world.

Yes life is hard. I don't know when, but sometime in the past I somehow stopped seeing all the good things in life and began to see it as something I just have to get through. People became annoying, events boring. I don't want to turn into one of those adults that complain and complain but never do anything to better their situations. I'm going to try at least to go back to the optimistic happy person I was before all of this ever began.

Because fuck you life, despite all your bullshit I'm going to enjoy you.

songs that remind me of stuff

I'm gonna copy Billy's blog... Songs that I can think of that are somehow meaningful or remind me of other things :)


Kurt Schneider/Jake Bruene -- Iris: Being sick with food poisoning in bed on Christmas Eve in Normandy. Also his cover of I will follow you into the dark (Death Cab for Cutie) also reminds me of that. And most of my Yellowcard songs. But even though it was such an awful time listening to these songs make my heart a little warmer and I actually feel nostalgia :)

Flo-rida -- Low: For some reason this song has so many nostalgic and sentimental memories attached to it and I really cannot remember nor understand why. It makes me think of so many good times with friends and having fun hahahahhaa, weirdly enough.

Chris Brown -- With You: Kahunui 2008. Also not immediately obvious, I think it's because it was in the mix cd someone made for the van on the ride to Whakatane for grocery shopping. Other songs that remind me of Kahunui include Forever (Chris Brown) and Move Shake Drop (DJ Laz).... yeah it was an interesting month :P

LIGHTS -- My Boots: Actually any LIGHTS songs remind me of Maplestory because I had them on loop for hours on end while mapling at the end of last year.

Kim Wilde -- Kids of America: One of my childhood friends really liked this songs to the point where she actually made up new lyrics to go with our own lives lol. This was in like year 5. It reminds me of all the times we played neopets together and how we almost made a doujinshi of ourselves in the digimon world hahahaha such imaginative geeky kids :D

FFX -- 1000 Words: Year 5 and 6 when I went thru a FF phase (which is funny because I was still a sony virgin) and listened to this song as well as Real Emotion and To Zanarkand on repeat every day. And I talked to David a lot during this time cos we were fanboy/girling together and we used to use Al Bhed translators to talk hahahhahaha... yes indeed a geeky childhood TT

Britney Spears -- Toxic: Reminds me of the colour purple. When I saw the music video I thought that it didn't fit the song at all cos of my own construed ideas lol. And it reminds me of year 6 and how Kelly hated Britney Spears and it made me think of the day when I came to school and everyone was depressed cos Longson said something to Kelly or something and then half the class was crying and I had no idea wtf was going on...

Bon Jovi -- Livin' on a Prayer: Reminds me of year 5 and 6 again when NZ Idol was on haha. And during the final both the finalists sang it. And it was really catchy so Lucee and I would get it stuck in our heads for days and days...

Jason Mraz -- I'm Yours : Reminds me of airports because I associate it with Lucee leaving for the first time 2 years ago... Also 彩虹(Jay Chou). Last time when I was leaving for France it was actually playing in the airport and I smiled to myself hehe.

Kelly Clarkson -- Behind these Hazel Eyes: A family holiday with Lucee when we were singing this together haha. Holy crap that was ages ago. Actually why do Lucee and I have so many music related memories o.o it's uncanny. I might as well list the other songs that remind me of her tbh...

Boys Like Girls -- Love Drunk: Cruising the highway in USA driving from Vegas to LA. How glamourous right. I accidentally set my ipod on repeat one and fell asleep hahaahaha

Far*East Movement -- Rocketeer: Driving in semi-rain fog at 3am in the morning from mission bay towards the city... the slightly blurry fuzzy lights from far away were like the lights of a dreamworld. Cool summer air and open windows and getting our arms kinda wet but not really... such a nice memory

Linkin Park -- In Pieces: Yujie and year 9 tech. Oh man she left the lyrics EVERYWHERE.... and it makes me think of food tech especially cos she drew a lot of doodles in my folder and then she got into this big folder drawing war with laina... :D good times

Aladdin -- A Whole New World: Singstar. Yunbin's house. 3am in the morning, over and over and over and over and over.... and me in the other room trying to sleep and having dreams about flying carpets CHYEAH. And that reminds me of all the memories in Yunbin's house, like David trying to spike my drink and me running away, and mahjong, and getting headaches from alcohol, and failing to boil water, and all that good stuff :)

杨臣刚 -- 老鼠爱大米: My favourite song as a little kid. I used to sing this all the time apparently, and I demanded that it was the only song that we ever played at home... and then we lost the CD. and then a few years ago I heard it playing on the radio I was like DAD! WHAT SONG IS THIS!?!!?!? IT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR... and then my dad told me the story of me when i was a little kid hahaha.

Vanilla Ice -- Ice Ice Baby: Everytime I hear this song I think of Laina dancing to this in year 6, even though I wasn't ever there to witness it. I guess people have talked about it so much that I've... created a memory for myself??? LOL

And then there are songs that just remind me of important people in the past haha. They might not have as much meaning for me now, but they still make me think of them... But I won't say who goes with which songs :P
白色风车 (Jay Chou), Bolero (Maurice Ravel), Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney), I don't want to miss a thing (Aerosmith), Lovefool (The Cardigans), Waiting for the End (Linkin Park), Right here waiting (Richard Marx), In My Head (Jason Derulo), Don't phunk with my heart (Black Eyed Peas), Cosmic Love (Florence+The Machine), Light Surrounding You (Evermore)

Hmmmmmmmm cbf thinking of any more but there are heaps ><

the chronicles of my heart

"I couldn't ask for any year more perfect than this. As I grow older, I hope I will dwell in the wonderful memories. So many people have changed my life forever. They have changed the way I feel about absolutely everything..." 31 December 2004

"I am afraid to think what the future will hold." 10 January 2005

"Love is like quicksilver -- Leave it and it stays; clutch it and it darts away" 14 February 2005

"Life is getting too repetitive" 20 June 2005

"...When you die, nothing matters. Why are we still living with no sense of direction? There is no god. There is no meaning in life ... make more use of your existence" 30 December 2005

"My feelings for him are soaked in the paper. The memories make me so happy, but melancholy as they were in the past. Would I have done things differently if I had been the person I was now?" 21 April 2006

"What do I do? I feel like I'm trapped in a bird cage" 31 March 2007


"Is it so hard to do the right thing? Can I really judge what the right thing is? Is it in a human being's duty to assume right or wrong? I wish I could just run away from reality to a world which only I know." 24 August 2007

"And so my perfect days began. AND WHAT PERFECT DAYS THEY HAVE BEEN! I know it won't last but right now all I want to do is just soak in my happy life ^^" 29 November 2007

"Nothing lasts forever" 19 February 2008

"For these 3 years... I never felt like I belonged. I was isolated, an outsider. I never felt the way I did with my primary friends. I miss that childhood. I want it back so badly." 3 March 2008

"I'm trying my hardest. I was in a state of happiness today. I saw so much bright blue sky." 28 September 2008

"You have to take full responsibility for your actions, and sometimes more. But if you take less, you're lying to everyone, including yourself." 2 October 2008

"Sometimes I had more guts to argue ... there's more to life. I'm going to show them that. Happiness is more important than money. Think of your own happiness first, if you're reading this in the future. But don't force your ideals of happiness on them too." 25 November 2008

"I'm more ambitious. Less afraid of failure. I want to take more risks, challenge more ideas, live a life that will make a difference. I don't want to be one of 7 billion to lived and just died." 12 January 2009

"Is the only thing that matters that I love him? These idealistic ways are too waffly for me. Chemical reactions on the other hand are too flat... don't account for actions and feelings. So... why?" 16 April 2009

"Recently I've been feeling pretty alone... have I really changed as much as people say? Or is it just them that have changed?" 29 January 2010

"I guess I've become a bit more mature recently, learnt what values I keep, but at the same time I've become more blunt & more of a bitch. Isn't being a bit selfish better than being a doormat?" 29 September 2010

"It's hard to just go back to how things used to be, especially when people change. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I used to think I am quite an open person, without many secrets... Life is not as simple as it appears..." 29 November 2010

"I like you, even though you hurt me, even though it defies logic. But if you remain as you are now, I don't want to be with you. Liking you disgusts me enough as it is. You've made your choices. I'm just stuck here watching you in the distance, regretting not walking along with you, but unsure now whether to follow or walk away." 1 December 2010

Most of these old scars are gone. Some are still healing. All are scars I'd like to keep. I am putting these books away now to read later... maybe 10 years in the future. These are some of my rawest emotions in the times when they seemed to be taking over. So yes, I guess I really was always this philosophical. These are the chronicles of my heart, the evolution of a soul through age and experience. There are still many things I have to learn, both in the future and from the past...

PS. I turned off the autoplay so people won't get random music playing when they open up my blog in class :PPPP

SUCKER PUNCH... my interpretation

Okay so first of all I should warn you that there are SPOILERS BELOW, so if you don't want to be spoiled don't read this blog post.



Last night I went to see Sucker Punch (directed by Zack Snyder) and honestly after I came out of the cinema I wasn't sure what I was supposed to think. It was such a saturated experience of visuals and sound -- so many awesome action scenes and short skirts, boobs and fake eyelashes, coupled with war zones and fucking dragons, yet I couldn't help but feel there was an underlying message under all the flashiness.

I thought that it might have been an extended metaphor for something. So... here's my interpretation and review of sorts.

Firstly I have to say that I loved the first scene -- it was wonderfully dark and incredibly powerful with just the music. I also found the cinematography to be perfect; basically the technical side of film was really impeccable in this opening scene. Another scene I really loved was the robot scene on the train. The 3d animation... omgggg I don't even want to imagine how much time it took to make it perfect. It looked so damn sexy.

I thought the film had underlying themes of sexual violence and feminism, but it laid them out in a very metaphorical way, which I found a nice change from the didactic nature of many other films when covering such topics. The fact that all the leads were women (with the exception of Blue), reminded me of Lady Gaga's Telephone music video (where she gave women traditional men's roles in the prison -- note there are NO MEN in that jail; it was a feminist statement) but in this movie it was obvious that women were not in power. Even Dr. Gorski, who represents the authoritative woman, does not have any power under Blue -- by sexual violence or otherwise, the men hold all the power in this film. This is why in Baby Doll's scenarios in her head when music is played it is women who have all the power. Even if women feel like they have power, in reality it is reversed.

I believe that Dr. Gorski (I suspect the character was named after TERENCE GORSKI, the mental health doctor... website at http://www.tgorski.com/) playing the music for Baby Doll in the beginning is her trying to teach her girls to disassociate themselves from reality -- when reality is so cruel (I assumed that rape etc. happened in the mental institute storyline -- if not then definitely in the 'club' storyline). By creating a reality where they can control everything, it is the complete flipside of what reality is like. So, in the following scenes where BD is dancing, it could either be interpreted that she is engaging in sex with the men against her will in real life (the mental institute) or that she is simply trying to escape the mental institute by herself (it is said that by herself she stabbed an orderly, helped another person escape, started a fire etc) while believing in her own mind that she is in power. I don't think this is clear.

It is obvious however that Blue abused her sexually -- but Blue's character is also one of a broken man who just wants to be loved in return. He says something along the lines of "things are not meant to be this way" when Baby Doll doesn't kiss him back at the end after being lobotomized. From BD's perspective she would rather forget and lose herself, forget everything that has happened to her and in effect 'die' (although not physically dead), than continue living her life. We question whether this can be considered a form of suicide. As Sweet Pea said in the beginning when she first appears, being a vegetable is sick and doesn't turn anyone on. Interestingly Blue's reaction to Baby Doll's state at the end of the film backs this up. Perhaps Baby Doll in a way is trying to rid herself of her sexual allure -- she does not want to be abused sexually anymore.

I also believe that it is significant how Vanessa Hudgen's character is called 'Blondie' when she has dark hair -- for me it represents how men expect women to change according to their ideal view of beauty, not what is naturally there. Maybe the significance of her death is that because she was not as Blue (representative of men in general) wanted her to be, she was considered worthless.

Furthermore, Sweet Pea does not exist. She is a character that, for Baby Doll, represents herself -- this is why in the beginning when she is about to be lobotomized she suddenly turns into SP in the 'club' storyline. Likewise, Rocket represents BD's sister -- when in the train she promises her everything will be okay before Rocket dies, it's the same as in the first scene where BD comforts her sister right before she is killed by their stepfather. We see BD and SP scream in the same way in these two scenes, creating an obvious parallel. Also, in a previous scene where Rocket says, "We're already dead"... she is literally indeed already dead. BD created Rocket from the memories of her already deceased sister. In BD's head, she wants a reality where she and her sister ran away from home and their oppressive stepfather together. However, reality proves to be too strong; the significance of the finality of death is portrayed by Rocket's death.

When SP is 'freed' from the club, it represents BD letting go of who she is when she is being lobotomized -- she escapes to 'Paradise'. This is why 'Paradise' is mentioned so often in the film. It's pretty obvious that the random helpful wise old man does not exist in reality, giving the audience hints that SP doesn't exist. SP is going home and Rocket told her to "tell mom I love her" -- BD's mother is already dead, so she has to also 'die' to meet her. Also note how she did not say anything about the father. This is both to do with the cruel stepfather as well as another device for the feminism in this film.

I thought Emily Browning was quite a good fit for Baby Doll. She has that delicate vibe about her, like a porcelain doll. In the beginning she showed so much emotion, but then as the movie goes on she shows less and less, illustrating how dissociating herself from the terrible things going on around her made her like an empty shell, stuck in her own mind. She actually reminded me a lot of Alice in Wonderland. Maybe it was just the hair.

I have no idea what Amber is supposed to represent or why she had to die, she's probably just there to look hot. Or, she served a similar purpose to Blondie. As well as this I feel like most of these ideas got lost in translation due to the sheer awesomeness of the visuals -- it was indeed trying to combine a lot of previously successful movies. It was quite different from what I expected it would be like from the trailer -- a lot better than I expected actually.

That's probably why I came out of the cinema slightly confused, not sure if it was a genius metaphor or just trying too hard... even now I'm not sure, but I think it might be a bit of both. Nonetheless, I quite enjoyed the film. I'm still trying to figure out why it's called 'Sucker Punch' though.

MY TO DO LIST. for the near future...

COM MURAL
-get money
-get paints
-send out email
-determine date

BALL
-meeting
-va committee trip

SCHOOL
-max test
-geo homework
-read tians geo book
-read art history books/research
-painting references
-chem writeup
-iypt presentation
-french speech
-read the shallows/the handmaids tale

OTHER
-exchange arrive 22 may
-restricted
-sort out transport to film society
-watch requiem of a dream/pan's labyrinth/never let me go/no country for old men
-optometrist appointment
-read practical ethics/what is the name of this book?
-blog
-tidy desk
-uni apps/talk to ms scott
-SAT2 chemistry

well this is kind of a blog. i don't even want to prioritise...

i'm just dumping this here because I want to remember it.

not sure when this is from, yujie cped it from facebook, and i want to keep it here. not sure when i actually had this dream either, so im pasting it into one of my old drafts..

"so for some reason i was going out with harry potter and we were living in a caravan with ron and hermione outside the ministry of magic which was situated below the gallerie lafayette, and the muggles all knew about its existence. then a war broke out among the younger generation and one side was mainly little kids and the other side was teenagers, and they were yelling at each other from opposite sides of this gold plated walled room below the eiffel tower. The older ones were yelling stuff like "YOU DON'T HAVE COLLEGE AGED KIDS SO YOUR SIDE IS GONNA BE DUMBER" and "I CAN HELP YOU WITH YOUR COLLEGE ESSAYS! COME TO OUR SIDE" but negotiations failed and a war broke out, and harry ron hermione and i had to be medics and help ppl who died, but the potion we had wasn't working until hermione figured out that you had to scull it down like alcohol, only the difference was that it was rats stomach acid and you had to drink it straight from the mouth of the rat... then for some reason a little girl was looking for her jacket in the caravan, so i helped her, and it wasn't there but I found pairs of shoes in every colour and lots of marker pens. THEN, i had to go somewhere so i walked across the field and i saw eunji and Azeria D'souza playing the 3rd movement of moonlight sonata on the violin (which i dont even think is possible), and then i went to where i was going and found out that i was rejected from visual arts committee leader because i don't know what im going to do in university and then i got kicked out completely because i was being an asshat and then i woke up from horror."

EDIT thanks yujie. this was on "January 8 at 8:04pm" in NZ. so 8.40am on Jan 8th in Paris :)

happiness

Happiness is the colour yellow, bright and vibrant, completely saturated; it fills up those who possess it, the purest colour that overpowers anything else that comes next to it.

Happiness is stretched out arms, the urge to embrace all your surroundings, to savour every last drop of the sweet landscape before you, to cherish the world as it is at that particular moment

Happiness is a photograph, suspended in time; a fleeting moment of perfection, where the sparkle in your eye betrays your elation for all eternity.

Happiness is a sugar cube dissolving in a cup of coffee, having the potential to make something bitter into a dream.

Happiness is a sunflower, forever seeking warmth and love, being open to receive it, standing tall and proud.

Happiness is the placidness of a still lake, reflecting the endless sky above so it seems like if you jumped into it, you'd fly.

Happiness is the oxygen in the air, dancing in the breeze between every one of us, entering and exiting and giving us life; an unconditional act of giving.

Happiness is the stars at night, free and so far away from any problems we invent for ourselves, donning playful twinkling smiles, faint wisdom of millenia ago.

Happiness is the grains of sand on a long beach, so many different forms and shapes, together forming the delicate surface on which we walk when we look out at sea and find peace within ourselves...

Yes, happiness is the horizon and beyond, the sky above and the ground below,
happiness is all around, and within all of us
and happiness is when I'm with you :)

ffs

you know what pisses me off? when people try to do me favours without asking, or when they tell you to take care of their own business of which you have no knowledge. I just had to fucking search through the laundry for my long skirt, not find it, go downstairs, take the keys, go outside into the rain to my mum's car, discover i had taken the wrong keys, come back inside, take the right keys, go back outside to my mum's car again (which isn't even supposed to be outside, but my dad's car was inside today for some retarded reason), search through it, not find my skirt, come back inside, go upstairs, get told by my dad that it's in HIS car, go back downstairs, find my skirt in his car, go back upstairs with it, get told by him that the buttons on mum's keys don't fucking work, so i had to go back downstairs, take the keys, go outside, check the car and IT WAS ALREADY LOCKED...................................... and none of this would have been necessary if they would just trust me to look after my own damn laundry. oh and now i have bruises on my knuckle from punching the wall out of frustration. jesus christ.

don't even try to cheer me up, I enjoy being angry. at least it means I feel something strongly for once =___=

I understand that people feel like they're doing you a favour when they do stuff for you, but personally it just annoys me... I'm independent to that point where other people helping me is like a hassle for me. Unless I specifically ask for help, I'd prefer to just be left to do my own thing by myself... also it makes me feel like I owe them something which I dislike... it's not to say that I don't like groupwork, it's just that if it's my own business then I can take care of myself. Likewise, I won't get involved in someone else's business if it doesn't involve me. A lot of people find my way of thinking selfish or whatever, but do unto others right..? idk, it's just the way I feel. I don't even like it when my mum put stuff in my bowl when I eat. I find it so patronising.

lol nobody's gonna want to marry me unless they have the same feelings hahahahaha FOREVER ALONE...

the point of view of a jack of all trades

So today in French we got into quite a heated debate about how sciences are supposedly 'harder' to get E in than subjects like Geography or Art, and that they are more 'valuable'. I was vehemently opposed to this idea, but it seems a lot of people think that way. I can't speak for Geography since I don't take it, but I remember last year my art class was also exasperated in holiday workshops about how people thought art was easy to get E in while we suffered indoors during the beginning of summer, trying to complete our boards when the weather outside was perfect for beaching.

It's not easier or harder to get Es in one or the other. It depends on the person and what they are good at. It's just that usually people who suck at art know that they suck at art and choose not to take it, which is why we have such a high concentration of Es in the department, since everyone who takes it is actually good at it. But, in science, a lot of people take it just so they can do med or engineering etc, but they are not necessarily that strong at it (I'm sorry, I have to say it). It's easier to tell if you are good at art or music than science. From what I can evaluate, people who take sciences are the ones who are INTERESTED in them -- whether they are any good is another story. But, with art, it seems everyone who takes it is somewhat good at it. The statistics are skewed.

Another reason for the higher concentration of higher ended credits is that the standards in art are more compacted -- we have 2 standards -- 6 credits and 12 credits. This means as well as us not wanting to screw them up because they are worth so much and thus working hard at them, when we succeed we get 12 credits straight up. But in science, there is a random scattering of 2s and 3s, 4s and 5s. So if we drop one standard (silly mistakes etc, since these standards are also much smaller and so if you screw up one little thing, you're screwed), we lose those 2 or so points. It's not much, but it can give the illusion that it's harder because we're like "omg! this paper is only worth 4 credits! how come the art ones are 12 credits in one go?" In a way it's kind of protecting us -- so if we screw up we won't lose as many credits.

Also, let me break it down -- the sciences and the arts are different. I don't think we should compare them in terms of difficulty. Someone said today that in art all you have to do is put time in, whereas with physics (the science in question at the time) you have to understand the concept. From my experience, art requires a more philosophical and technical kind of understanding than physics, but it is understanding all the same. Not to mention one also has to put time into ANY subject, not just physics, to have a full understanding. As someone who takes both art and science subjects, I feel that I have grown as a result of both -- but in different ways.

Furthermore, the salaries or success at finding jobs after graduating uni of someone with a science degree vs someone with a fine arts degree shouldn't be relevant to how easy or hard it is. Statistically speaking, there are more people with science degrees than fine arts degrees. But it is true, science is more relevant to the modern world than art. There is more demand for scientists than artists. However... how does this relate to one being easier or harder than the other? I would bet that only a small percentage of those scientists could drop everything and become an artist if circumstances demanded it, as with artists becoming scientists. Neither is easier than the other, they are equipped with different skill sets.

Perspective is everything. I actually wondered how any of them could make the call that science > art when it seemed all of them took at least one science but none of them took art...

Well, this isn't just about science and arts. I also recently had a debate with someone about how mathematics is just as relevant to life as literature. Many people think that studying shakespeare is worthless because "we will never use this after we get a job", and many people think that higher level pure mathematics is worthless also because "we will never use this after we get a job" -- but I think the value of these, of ANYTHING, comes with how it changes the way we think. As someone said in my english scholarship class earlier this year, well-read people are usually more open minded -- they can empathise better for they have learnt from a variety of experiences that they may have not necessarily experienced themselves. Likewise, people who have studied mathematics know how to think about logical problems, and how to twist lateral thinking to solve a problem while still not breaking the rules of logic.

Everything is so rich, full of opportunity for learning. Shutting ourselves off from a whole field of study because we think it is 'irrelevant' or 'not as useful' is a damn shame in my opinion.

[EDIT] so I found out the reason this debate started was because people felt that subjects like art weren't exactly 'academic' enough to warrant being part of a scholar's badge. I think the reason people think this way is because of the misnomer 'scholar's badge' -- in my view it's not actually a badge for SCHOLARS per se(GPA of 80+ in 5-6 subjects), it's just a badge showing that you're good at the subjects you do take. The way I see it, if you feel under-recognised because you take all science and maths subjects which are supposedly 'harder' to get E in, then perhaps you should consider switching your subject choices over to humanities if you find them easier (and vice versa). However from my experience for some reason (possibly for practicality reasons, as I said before uni courses like med and engineering demand sciences), more people take sciences over humanities and then complain about them. Perhaps those who take humanities know that's what they want to do and that's what they're good at, and they are not doing it simply because they want to get into a particular course in uni...?

Humanity

In english class the other day, most of the class seemed outraged when someone said that the junior school was getting ipads for their classrooms for the little kids to learn to read better. I guess most people didn't think the benefits outweighed the costs and thought that the school was wasting money on things they didn't need. But in a way, isn't that pretty much what happens all the time in our consumerist lives? I was thinking, if we were the ones who were getting ipads, I doubt as many people would be complaining. Such is the model of human hypocrisy and the foundation of capitalism and poverty.

'Right,' said Roger, the self-appointed captain of the lifeboat.

'There are twelve of us on this vessel, which is great, because it can hold up to twenty. And we have plenty of rations to last until someone comes to get us, which won't be longer than 24 hours. So, I think that means we can safely allow ourselves an extra chocolate biscuit and a shot of rum each. Any objections?'

'Much as I'd doubtless enjoy the extra biscuit,' said Mr Mates,'shouldn't our main priority right now be to get the boat over there and pick up the poor drowning woman who has been shouting at us for the last half hour?' A few people looked down into the hull of the boat, embarrassed, while the others shook their heads in disbelief.

'I thought we had agreed,' said Roger. 'It's not our fault she's drowning, and if we pick her up, we won't be able to enjoy our extra rations. Why should we disrupt our cosy set-up here?' There were grunts of agreement.

'Because we could save her, and if we don't she'll die. Isn't that reason enough?'

'Life's a bitch,' replied Roger. 'If she dies, it's not because we killed her. Anyone for a digestive?'

(Source: 'Lifeboat Earth' by Onora O'Neill, republished in World Hunger and Moral Obligation, edited by W.Aiken and H. La Follette (Prentice-Hall, 1977))

The lifeboat metaphor is pretty easy to translate. The boat is the affluent West and the drowning woman those dying of malnutrition and preventable disease in the developing world. And the attitude of the developed world is, on this view, as callous as Roger's. We have enough food and medicine for everyone, but we would rather enjoy luxuries and let others die than forfeit our 'extra biscuit' to save them. If the people on the lifeboat are grossly immoral, then so are we.

In the real world, however, food and other goods are not just sitting there waiting to be distributed. Wealth is created and earned. So if I refused to give some of my surplus to someone else, I am not unfairly appropriating what is due to him, I am simply keeping what is rightfully mine.

However, even if the analogy is altered to reflect this fact, the apparent immorality does not disappear. Let us imagine that all the food and supplies on the boat belong to the individuals in it. Nevertheless, once in the boat, and once the need of the drowning woman is recognised, wouldn't it still be wrong to say, 'Let her die. These biscuits are mine!'? As long as there is enough surplus to provide for her too, the fact that is dying should make us give up some of our privately owned provisions for her.

The UN has set a target for developed countries to give 0.7% of their GDP (gross domestic product) to overseas aid. Few have met it. For the vast majority of people, to give even 1 per cent of their income to help the impoverished would have a negligible effect on their quality of life. The lifeboat analogy suggests that it is not so much that we would be good people if we did so, but that we are terribly wrong not to.

Taken from 'The Pig That Wants to Be Eaten (And ninety-nine other thought experiments)' by Julian Baggini (2005))

People's morals seem to deviate a lot though. That's why in the field of politics there is constant debate between right and left wing and, at their extremes, capitalism vs communism. In my opinion though, extremes of anything can't be good. Obviously capitalism poses moral dilemmas such as the one above, where no matter what not helping those less fortunate is immoral -- we can't just be selfish and serve ourselves. We are not all born equal, but shouldn't we try as much as we can to make the gaps smaller, not divide ourselves further apart? We are all of one species after all. The problem with communism is then, conversely, that there is not enough diversity. We ARE all born different, we have different aspirations and likes, dislikes that we should be able to aspire to. Dystopian fiction such as George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, Huxley's Brave New World, Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 (I could list more, there are so many) demonstrate that being all the same and working towards the advance of humanity as a whole in the most efficient way possible is also something that we have emotional response to -- something that we cannot, for some reason or another, agree with. So what's the conclusion? We can't have either? We have to have a perfect balance between equality and diversity?

Honestly, I don't know what I think personally at all. I just know that extremes are never good.

As a final though, what do you think makes us human?

Does being human justify our hypocrisy, our greed, our selfishness? We often analyse literary characters who are imperfect because they are more 'human' - 3 dimensional, imperfect. Take tragic heroes such as King Lear, Macbeth. Even good characters who slip up once -- we forgive them because they made a 'human error'. It's true, we all make mistakes. But does this mean that we can justify any wrongs we commit with the line "we're all just human"? Isn't that a bit bleak and pathetic? As if our humanity is the CAUSE for all our immorality, even though at the same time it is also the reason for morality itself?

Are morals ideas that have always existed in us, that are congruous and inseparable from our code of humanity? Or are they planted by society, imposed by our environment? Is that why there are so many conflicting opinions in the world that seem to be the cause of both such beauty and chaos?

Perhaps the way to explain this is that it is in our ID to be self-preserving, to put ourselves before others. In that case, the morality system we have in place must be society-imposed. However, this in turn creates many more problems -- when and why did society create these 'morals'? What about preservation of the species as a whole (Charles Darwin)? Does this mean that the ten commandments were definitely invented? The implications are enormous.

The more I think about it, the more the story of the tree of knowledge giving birth to sin seems to be plausible. This way, there is reason for the conflict within each of us when we are in these types of situations (all the time). Philosophically, it is convenient to blame everything on a God and a Devil, it seems to be able to explain why we have so many seemingly unsolvable problems in our world -- good was never meant to be mixed with evil, and our earth seems to have become the retarded illegitimate child, with no idea what to do with the two sides imposed on it. That being said, widely accepted scientific theory has already overturned much of the teachings of the Bible and Church...

So where does this leave ethics?

I don't know. I don't even know if it matters. But sometimes I end up thinking about things like these. I can only pose questions, hoping to inspire the same thoughts in others.

true chaos and randomness

omg I feel so bad for not updating. I've been meaning to update ever since I got back from Rome, but the weekend was so amazing and so much happened that I could never be bothered. And then since then even more stuff has happened so i've been avoiding updating even more... I'm so bad at keeping up after I've fallen behind...

And now I don't even feel like updating anymore. omg fml.

---

13 february 2011

Fucking hell, I haven't blogged for ages. Well I started to write the above post but nothing was coming and I got distracted so I decided to just not do anything that time. But yeah, just got home from jamies since my parents wouldn't let me stay the night since I was out last night as well, but I really cbf arguing so whatever.

This year is going to be really busy. It annoys me in some ways but I think I just have to be positive and go at it as it comes.

It's pretty sad that some of my closest friends are leaving for overseas universities etc. Actually most of the time I don't feel like they value me as a close friend at all but I do think that way about them, so although it makes me feel unappreciated sometimes it doesn't really matter, their leaving still affects me on that level. It's not that I'm trying to push people away or anything like that, it's just hard for me to get close to people. Even the people I'm closest to I find hard to tolerate for long periods of time haha, I guess that's the way I am. But I do think that friendship is something to be held onto for a long time, and I think that if the effort is put in, people can stay friends for a lifetime. So, I wish them all the best of luck for their university embarkings and hope to see them sometime in the near future. Maybe next summer, maybe randomly when we're on holidays. Who knows? But, the world is surely a small place.

So as I sit here at 12.42am on a Sunday morning running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep from last night, what's on my mind? Not much. I have music blaring out of my headphones, I feel pretty peaceful I guess. Not happy, but not angry or anything. Very zen. I hoped that this blog was a place to chronicle significant events in my life so that I wouldn't forget them in the future, but it's a bit tiresome to recount days and experiences. Maybe human experience is meant to be lost in the labyrinths of our memories. Either way, it seems that I'm not that interested lately in writing my daily events but rather my feelings. Something that has impacted on my art subject matter for sure, because I can't think of one at all. I don't want to deal with the physical and static. I want to deal with feelings and emotion, but these are things that are quite difficult to put forward visually. What is happiness? Peace? Anger, sadness, love, hate, annoyance, nonchalance? What colour are they, what shape are they? No matter what metaphors we can use to describe them, analogies are never enough. These are things that cannot be captured by science, and perhaps never will be. Perhaps they were never meant to be. Maybe they just aren't, and there is no meaning behind them at all.

The only way this night could get any more perfect would be if it was slightly colder and it was raining heavily outside. Strange though, that such a feeling of blandness would be what I consider close to perfect. Perfection can never truly exist in my opinion though. There's a certain beauty in imperfection that perfection can never possess. Diversity, personality, creativity. These are things that cannot be captured by perfection.

I downloaded Burlesque today so I guess I'll watch that tonight as well. Man I left my ipod on my desk for literally less than 6 hours as I went out and when I come home it's gone. Jesus christ my brother...

Sometimes when I look at you I wonder what is going through your mind. Sometimes I think I already know. But I always think maybe there is something more. I'm curious though you know? I want to go inside and see what it's like inside your head. Everyone thinks so differently. I probably shouldn't be so interested in you specifically, but some things just can't be helped you know?

Why was I chosen to be me? I could have been anyone else. Am I thankful? Is there anything to be thankful for, if it is just as it is? I can't imagine being inside anyone else's head. I'm feeling a weird kind of unconsciousness of who I am not. That probably won't make sense to anyone else but it makes sense in my head. If we were to accept the existence of souls, maybe I am an old soul and I have no recollection of my past self or selves. That makes us essentially separate entities I guess. So, being an old soul is the same as being a new soul. Or maybe the same as having no soul at all.

What the hell am I on about? This kind of nonsense is the kinda stuff people come up with when they're high or drunk... Yeah I guess my thoughts are pretty scattered tonight. See the chaos of my brain that comes together to form a perfect balance that I consider to be close to perfect? I feel no negativity right now... It's quite wonderful.