just a rant.

I sat here for a long time trying to think of how to start...
My mind's still blank :/


Optimism and Pessimism by Sergio1970

I guess..... I've been trying to run from reflecting on myself for a long time. But I've realised that I don't really know myself as well as I would like. Everyone can tell me things about myself, but I just need some time to work out who I am for myself. Because I've hurt a lot of people recently without meaning to. I don't think enough about my actions. And I don't want to go down the road like so many people I know have gone down, into a road of apathy and cynicism. Maybe I'm already in the middle of it, or maybe I've hit the end. It doesn't matter, I want to turn around now.

So I will.

It won't be easy for sure. Changing yourself never is. But... I'll try at least.

So, I'm sorry... for everything. I know I'm not the nicest person anymore, I know I'm a shadow of the awesome person I used to be. So, I'm trying as hard as I can to backtrack and become a better person again.

My 14 year old self did warn me to never take this path. I didn't want to listen before, but I realise now that I was right all along as a child. I should trust childish instincts more.

I don't want to be corrupted by this world anymore.

Life is cruel, and it wants to push us into corners, harden ourselves up, put up spikes and protect and hide ourselves from it, or to attack it head on. I'm tired of fighting. I won't let life get the better of me, strip away my childish ideals and become an adult that doesn't see any happiness in the world.

Yes life is hard. I don't know when, but sometime in the past I somehow stopped seeing all the good things in life and began to see it as something I just have to get through. People became annoying, events boring. I don't want to turn into one of those adults that complain and complain but never do anything to better their situations. I'm going to try at least to go back to the optimistic happy person I was before all of this ever began.

Because fuck you life, despite all your bullshit I'm going to enjoy you.

songs that remind me of stuff

I'm gonna copy Billy's blog... Songs that I can think of that are somehow meaningful or remind me of other things :)


Kurt Schneider/Jake Bruene -- Iris: Being sick with food poisoning in bed on Christmas Eve in Normandy. Also his cover of I will follow you into the dark (Death Cab for Cutie) also reminds me of that. And most of my Yellowcard songs. But even though it was such an awful time listening to these songs make my heart a little warmer and I actually feel nostalgia :)

Flo-rida -- Low: For some reason this song has so many nostalgic and sentimental memories attached to it and I really cannot remember nor understand why. It makes me think of so many good times with friends and having fun hahahahhaa, weirdly enough.

Chris Brown -- With You: Kahunui 2008. Also not immediately obvious, I think it's because it was in the mix cd someone made for the van on the ride to Whakatane for grocery shopping. Other songs that remind me of Kahunui include Forever (Chris Brown) and Move Shake Drop (DJ Laz).... yeah it was an interesting month :P

LIGHTS -- My Boots: Actually any LIGHTS songs remind me of Maplestory because I had them on loop for hours on end while mapling at the end of last year.

Kim Wilde -- Kids of America: One of my childhood friends really liked this songs to the point where she actually made up new lyrics to go with our own lives lol. This was in like year 5. It reminds me of all the times we played neopets together and how we almost made a doujinshi of ourselves in the digimon world hahahaha such imaginative geeky kids :D

FFX -- 1000 Words: Year 5 and 6 when I went thru a FF phase (which is funny because I was still a sony virgin) and listened to this song as well as Real Emotion and To Zanarkand on repeat every day. And I talked to David a lot during this time cos we were fanboy/girling together and we used to use Al Bhed translators to talk hahahhahaha... yes indeed a geeky childhood TT

Britney Spears -- Toxic: Reminds me of the colour purple. When I saw the music video I thought that it didn't fit the song at all cos of my own construed ideas lol. And it reminds me of year 6 and how Kelly hated Britney Spears and it made me think of the day when I came to school and everyone was depressed cos Longson said something to Kelly or something and then half the class was crying and I had no idea wtf was going on...

Bon Jovi -- Livin' on a Prayer: Reminds me of year 5 and 6 again when NZ Idol was on haha. And during the final both the finalists sang it. And it was really catchy so Lucee and I would get it stuck in our heads for days and days...

Jason Mraz -- I'm Yours : Reminds me of airports because I associate it with Lucee leaving for the first time 2 years ago... Also 彩虹(Jay Chou). Last time when I was leaving for France it was actually playing in the airport and I smiled to myself hehe.

Kelly Clarkson -- Behind these Hazel Eyes: A family holiday with Lucee when we were singing this together haha. Holy crap that was ages ago. Actually why do Lucee and I have so many music related memories o.o it's uncanny. I might as well list the other songs that remind me of her tbh...

Boys Like Girls -- Love Drunk: Cruising the highway in USA driving from Vegas to LA. How glamourous right. I accidentally set my ipod on repeat one and fell asleep hahaahaha

Far*East Movement -- Rocketeer: Driving in semi-rain fog at 3am in the morning from mission bay towards the city... the slightly blurry fuzzy lights from far away were like the lights of a dreamworld. Cool summer air and open windows and getting our arms kinda wet but not really... such a nice memory

Linkin Park -- In Pieces: Yujie and year 9 tech. Oh man she left the lyrics EVERYWHERE.... and it makes me think of food tech especially cos she drew a lot of doodles in my folder and then she got into this big folder drawing war with laina... :D good times

Aladdin -- A Whole New World: Singstar. Yunbin's house. 3am in the morning, over and over and over and over and over.... and me in the other room trying to sleep and having dreams about flying carpets CHYEAH. And that reminds me of all the memories in Yunbin's house, like David trying to spike my drink and me running away, and mahjong, and getting headaches from alcohol, and failing to boil water, and all that good stuff :)

杨臣刚 -- 老鼠爱大米: My favourite song as a little kid. I used to sing this all the time apparently, and I demanded that it was the only song that we ever played at home... and then we lost the CD. and then a few years ago I heard it playing on the radio I was like DAD! WHAT SONG IS THIS!?!!?!? IT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR... and then my dad told me the story of me when i was a little kid hahaha.

Vanilla Ice -- Ice Ice Baby: Everytime I hear this song I think of Laina dancing to this in year 6, even though I wasn't ever there to witness it. I guess people have talked about it so much that I've... created a memory for myself??? LOL

And then there are songs that just remind me of important people in the past haha. They might not have as much meaning for me now, but they still make me think of them... But I won't say who goes with which songs :P
白色风车 (Jay Chou), Bolero (Maurice Ravel), Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney), I don't want to miss a thing (Aerosmith), Lovefool (The Cardigans), Waiting for the End (Linkin Park), Right here waiting (Richard Marx), In My Head (Jason Derulo), Don't phunk with my heart (Black Eyed Peas), Cosmic Love (Florence+The Machine), Light Surrounding You (Evermore)

Hmmmmmmmm cbf thinking of any more but there are heaps ><

the chronicles of my heart

"I couldn't ask for any year more perfect than this. As I grow older, I hope I will dwell in the wonderful memories. So many people have changed my life forever. They have changed the way I feel about absolutely everything..." 31 December 2004

"I am afraid to think what the future will hold." 10 January 2005

"Love is like quicksilver -- Leave it and it stays; clutch it and it darts away" 14 February 2005

"Life is getting too repetitive" 20 June 2005

"...When you die, nothing matters. Why are we still living with no sense of direction? There is no god. There is no meaning in life ... make more use of your existence" 30 December 2005

"My feelings for him are soaked in the paper. The memories make me so happy, but melancholy as they were in the past. Would I have done things differently if I had been the person I was now?" 21 April 2006

"What do I do? I feel like I'm trapped in a bird cage" 31 March 2007


"Is it so hard to do the right thing? Can I really judge what the right thing is? Is it in a human being's duty to assume right or wrong? I wish I could just run away from reality to a world which only I know." 24 August 2007

"And so my perfect days began. AND WHAT PERFECT DAYS THEY HAVE BEEN! I know it won't last but right now all I want to do is just soak in my happy life ^^" 29 November 2007

"Nothing lasts forever" 19 February 2008

"For these 3 years... I never felt like I belonged. I was isolated, an outsider. I never felt the way I did with my primary friends. I miss that childhood. I want it back so badly." 3 March 2008

"I'm trying my hardest. I was in a state of happiness today. I saw so much bright blue sky." 28 September 2008

"You have to take full responsibility for your actions, and sometimes more. But if you take less, you're lying to everyone, including yourself." 2 October 2008

"Sometimes I had more guts to argue ... there's more to life. I'm going to show them that. Happiness is more important than money. Think of your own happiness first, if you're reading this in the future. But don't force your ideals of happiness on them too." 25 November 2008

"I'm more ambitious. Less afraid of failure. I want to take more risks, challenge more ideas, live a life that will make a difference. I don't want to be one of 7 billion to lived and just died." 12 January 2009

"Is the only thing that matters that I love him? These idealistic ways are too waffly for me. Chemical reactions on the other hand are too flat... don't account for actions and feelings. So... why?" 16 April 2009

"Recently I've been feeling pretty alone... have I really changed as much as people say? Or is it just them that have changed?" 29 January 2010

"I guess I've become a bit more mature recently, learnt what values I keep, but at the same time I've become more blunt & more of a bitch. Isn't being a bit selfish better than being a doormat?" 29 September 2010

"It's hard to just go back to how things used to be, especially when people change. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I used to think I am quite an open person, without many secrets... Life is not as simple as it appears..." 29 November 2010

"I like you, even though you hurt me, even though it defies logic. But if you remain as you are now, I don't want to be with you. Liking you disgusts me enough as it is. You've made your choices. I'm just stuck here watching you in the distance, regretting not walking along with you, but unsure now whether to follow or walk away." 1 December 2010

Most of these old scars are gone. Some are still healing. All are scars I'd like to keep. I am putting these books away now to read later... maybe 10 years in the future. These are some of my rawest emotions in the times when they seemed to be taking over. So yes, I guess I really was always this philosophical. These are the chronicles of my heart, the evolution of a soul through age and experience. There are still many things I have to learn, both in the future and from the past...

PS. I turned off the autoplay so people won't get random music playing when they open up my blog in class :PPPP

SUCKER PUNCH... my interpretation

Okay so first of all I should warn you that there are SPOILERS BELOW, so if you don't want to be spoiled don't read this blog post.



Last night I went to see Sucker Punch (directed by Zack Snyder) and honestly after I came out of the cinema I wasn't sure what I was supposed to think. It was such a saturated experience of visuals and sound -- so many awesome action scenes and short skirts, boobs and fake eyelashes, coupled with war zones and fucking dragons, yet I couldn't help but feel there was an underlying message under all the flashiness.

I thought that it might have been an extended metaphor for something. So... here's my interpretation and review of sorts.

Firstly I have to say that I loved the first scene -- it was wonderfully dark and incredibly powerful with just the music. I also found the cinematography to be perfect; basically the technical side of film was really impeccable in this opening scene. Another scene I really loved was the robot scene on the train. The 3d animation... omgggg I don't even want to imagine how much time it took to make it perfect. It looked so damn sexy.

I thought the film had underlying themes of sexual violence and feminism, but it laid them out in a very metaphorical way, which I found a nice change from the didactic nature of many other films when covering such topics. The fact that all the leads were women (with the exception of Blue), reminded me of Lady Gaga's Telephone music video (where she gave women traditional men's roles in the prison -- note there are NO MEN in that jail; it was a feminist statement) but in this movie it was obvious that women were not in power. Even Dr. Gorski, who represents the authoritative woman, does not have any power under Blue -- by sexual violence or otherwise, the men hold all the power in this film. This is why in Baby Doll's scenarios in her head when music is played it is women who have all the power. Even if women feel like they have power, in reality it is reversed.

I believe that Dr. Gorski (I suspect the character was named after TERENCE GORSKI, the mental health doctor... website at http://www.tgorski.com/) playing the music for Baby Doll in the beginning is her trying to teach her girls to disassociate themselves from reality -- when reality is so cruel (I assumed that rape etc. happened in the mental institute storyline -- if not then definitely in the 'club' storyline). By creating a reality where they can control everything, it is the complete flipside of what reality is like. So, in the following scenes where BD is dancing, it could either be interpreted that she is engaging in sex with the men against her will in real life (the mental institute) or that she is simply trying to escape the mental institute by herself (it is said that by herself she stabbed an orderly, helped another person escape, started a fire etc) while believing in her own mind that she is in power. I don't think this is clear.

It is obvious however that Blue abused her sexually -- but Blue's character is also one of a broken man who just wants to be loved in return. He says something along the lines of "things are not meant to be this way" when Baby Doll doesn't kiss him back at the end after being lobotomized. From BD's perspective she would rather forget and lose herself, forget everything that has happened to her and in effect 'die' (although not physically dead), than continue living her life. We question whether this can be considered a form of suicide. As Sweet Pea said in the beginning when she first appears, being a vegetable is sick and doesn't turn anyone on. Interestingly Blue's reaction to Baby Doll's state at the end of the film backs this up. Perhaps Baby Doll in a way is trying to rid herself of her sexual allure -- she does not want to be abused sexually anymore.

I also believe that it is significant how Vanessa Hudgen's character is called 'Blondie' when she has dark hair -- for me it represents how men expect women to change according to their ideal view of beauty, not what is naturally there. Maybe the significance of her death is that because she was not as Blue (representative of men in general) wanted her to be, she was considered worthless.

Furthermore, Sweet Pea does not exist. She is a character that, for Baby Doll, represents herself -- this is why in the beginning when she is about to be lobotomized she suddenly turns into SP in the 'club' storyline. Likewise, Rocket represents BD's sister -- when in the train she promises her everything will be okay before Rocket dies, it's the same as in the first scene where BD comforts her sister right before she is killed by their stepfather. We see BD and SP scream in the same way in these two scenes, creating an obvious parallel. Also, in a previous scene where Rocket says, "We're already dead"... she is literally indeed already dead. BD created Rocket from the memories of her already deceased sister. In BD's head, she wants a reality where she and her sister ran away from home and their oppressive stepfather together. However, reality proves to be too strong; the significance of the finality of death is portrayed by Rocket's death.

When SP is 'freed' from the club, it represents BD letting go of who she is when she is being lobotomized -- she escapes to 'Paradise'. This is why 'Paradise' is mentioned so often in the film. It's pretty obvious that the random helpful wise old man does not exist in reality, giving the audience hints that SP doesn't exist. SP is going home and Rocket told her to "tell mom I love her" -- BD's mother is already dead, so she has to also 'die' to meet her. Also note how she did not say anything about the father. This is both to do with the cruel stepfather as well as another device for the feminism in this film.

I thought Emily Browning was quite a good fit for Baby Doll. She has that delicate vibe about her, like a porcelain doll. In the beginning she showed so much emotion, but then as the movie goes on she shows less and less, illustrating how dissociating herself from the terrible things going on around her made her like an empty shell, stuck in her own mind. She actually reminded me a lot of Alice in Wonderland. Maybe it was just the hair.

I have no idea what Amber is supposed to represent or why she had to die, she's probably just there to look hot. Or, she served a similar purpose to Blondie. As well as this I feel like most of these ideas got lost in translation due to the sheer awesomeness of the visuals -- it was indeed trying to combine a lot of previously successful movies. It was quite different from what I expected it would be like from the trailer -- a lot better than I expected actually.

That's probably why I came out of the cinema slightly confused, not sure if it was a genius metaphor or just trying too hard... even now I'm not sure, but I think it might be a bit of both. Nonetheless, I quite enjoyed the film. I'm still trying to figure out why it's called 'Sucker Punch' though.

MY TO DO LIST. for the near future...

COM MURAL
-get money
-get paints
-send out email
-determine date

BALL
-meeting
-va committee trip

SCHOOL
-max test
-geo homework
-read tians geo book
-read art history books/research
-painting references
-chem writeup
-iypt presentation
-french speech
-read the shallows/the handmaids tale

OTHER
-exchange arrive 22 may
-restricted
-sort out transport to film society
-watch requiem of a dream/pan's labyrinth/never let me go/no country for old men
-optometrist appointment
-read practical ethics/what is the name of this book?
-blog
-tidy desk
-uni apps/talk to ms scott
-SAT2 chemistry

well this is kind of a blog. i don't even want to prioritise...

i'm just dumping this here because I want to remember it.

not sure when this is from, yujie cped it from facebook, and i want to keep it here. not sure when i actually had this dream either, so im pasting it into one of my old drafts..

"so for some reason i was going out with harry potter and we were living in a caravan with ron and hermione outside the ministry of magic which was situated below the gallerie lafayette, and the muggles all knew about its existence. then a war broke out among the younger generation and one side was mainly little kids and the other side was teenagers, and they were yelling at each other from opposite sides of this gold plated walled room below the eiffel tower. The older ones were yelling stuff like "YOU DON'T HAVE COLLEGE AGED KIDS SO YOUR SIDE IS GONNA BE DUMBER" and "I CAN HELP YOU WITH YOUR COLLEGE ESSAYS! COME TO OUR SIDE" but negotiations failed and a war broke out, and harry ron hermione and i had to be medics and help ppl who died, but the potion we had wasn't working until hermione figured out that you had to scull it down like alcohol, only the difference was that it was rats stomach acid and you had to drink it straight from the mouth of the rat... then for some reason a little girl was looking for her jacket in the caravan, so i helped her, and it wasn't there but I found pairs of shoes in every colour and lots of marker pens. THEN, i had to go somewhere so i walked across the field and i saw eunji and Azeria D'souza playing the 3rd movement of moonlight sonata on the violin (which i dont even think is possible), and then i went to where i was going and found out that i was rejected from visual arts committee leader because i don't know what im going to do in university and then i got kicked out completely because i was being an asshat and then i woke up from horror."

EDIT thanks yujie. this was on "January 8 at 8:04pm" in NZ. so 8.40am on Jan 8th in Paris :)

happiness

Happiness is the colour yellow, bright and vibrant, completely saturated; it fills up those who possess it, the purest colour that overpowers anything else that comes next to it.

Happiness is stretched out arms, the urge to embrace all your surroundings, to savour every last drop of the sweet landscape before you, to cherish the world as it is at that particular moment

Happiness is a photograph, suspended in time; a fleeting moment of perfection, where the sparkle in your eye betrays your elation for all eternity.

Happiness is a sugar cube dissolving in a cup of coffee, having the potential to make something bitter into a dream.

Happiness is a sunflower, forever seeking warmth and love, being open to receive it, standing tall and proud.

Happiness is the placidness of a still lake, reflecting the endless sky above so it seems like if you jumped into it, you'd fly.

Happiness is the oxygen in the air, dancing in the breeze between every one of us, entering and exiting and giving us life; an unconditional act of giving.

Happiness is the stars at night, free and so far away from any problems we invent for ourselves, donning playful twinkling smiles, faint wisdom of millenia ago.

Happiness is the grains of sand on a long beach, so many different forms and shapes, together forming the delicate surface on which we walk when we look out at sea and find peace within ourselves...

Yes, happiness is the horizon and beyond, the sky above and the ground below,
happiness is all around, and within all of us
and happiness is when I'm with you :)

ffs

you know what pisses me off? when people try to do me favours without asking, or when they tell you to take care of their own business of which you have no knowledge. I just had to fucking search through the laundry for my long skirt, not find it, go downstairs, take the keys, go outside into the rain to my mum's car, discover i had taken the wrong keys, come back inside, take the right keys, go back outside to my mum's car again (which isn't even supposed to be outside, but my dad's car was inside today for some retarded reason), search through it, not find my skirt, come back inside, go upstairs, get told by my dad that it's in HIS car, go back downstairs, find my skirt in his car, go back upstairs with it, get told by him that the buttons on mum's keys don't fucking work, so i had to go back downstairs, take the keys, go outside, check the car and IT WAS ALREADY LOCKED...................................... and none of this would have been necessary if they would just trust me to look after my own damn laundry. oh and now i have bruises on my knuckle from punching the wall out of frustration. jesus christ.

don't even try to cheer me up, I enjoy being angry. at least it means I feel something strongly for once =___=

I understand that people feel like they're doing you a favour when they do stuff for you, but personally it just annoys me... I'm independent to that point where other people helping me is like a hassle for me. Unless I specifically ask for help, I'd prefer to just be left to do my own thing by myself... also it makes me feel like I owe them something which I dislike... it's not to say that I don't like groupwork, it's just that if it's my own business then I can take care of myself. Likewise, I won't get involved in someone else's business if it doesn't involve me. A lot of people find my way of thinking selfish or whatever, but do unto others right..? idk, it's just the way I feel. I don't even like it when my mum put stuff in my bowl when I eat. I find it so patronising.

lol nobody's gonna want to marry me unless they have the same feelings hahahahaha FOREVER ALONE...

the point of view of a jack of all trades

So today in French we got into quite a heated debate about how sciences are supposedly 'harder' to get E in than subjects like Geography or Art, and that they are more 'valuable'. I was vehemently opposed to this idea, but it seems a lot of people think that way. I can't speak for Geography since I don't take it, but I remember last year my art class was also exasperated in holiday workshops about how people thought art was easy to get E in while we suffered indoors during the beginning of summer, trying to complete our boards when the weather outside was perfect for beaching.

It's not easier or harder to get Es in one or the other. It depends on the person and what they are good at. It's just that usually people who suck at art know that they suck at art and choose not to take it, which is why we have such a high concentration of Es in the department, since everyone who takes it is actually good at it. But, in science, a lot of people take it just so they can do med or engineering etc, but they are not necessarily that strong at it (I'm sorry, I have to say it). It's easier to tell if you are good at art or music than science. From what I can evaluate, people who take sciences are the ones who are INTERESTED in them -- whether they are any good is another story. But, with art, it seems everyone who takes it is somewhat good at it. The statistics are skewed.

Another reason for the higher concentration of higher ended credits is that the standards in art are more compacted -- we have 2 standards -- 6 credits and 12 credits. This means as well as us not wanting to screw them up because they are worth so much and thus working hard at them, when we succeed we get 12 credits straight up. But in science, there is a random scattering of 2s and 3s, 4s and 5s. So if we drop one standard (silly mistakes etc, since these standards are also much smaller and so if you screw up one little thing, you're screwed), we lose those 2 or so points. It's not much, but it can give the illusion that it's harder because we're like "omg! this paper is only worth 4 credits! how come the art ones are 12 credits in one go?" In a way it's kind of protecting us -- so if we screw up we won't lose as many credits.

Also, let me break it down -- the sciences and the arts are different. I don't think we should compare them in terms of difficulty. Someone said today that in art all you have to do is put time in, whereas with physics (the science in question at the time) you have to understand the concept. From my experience, art requires a more philosophical and technical kind of understanding than physics, but it is understanding all the same. Not to mention one also has to put time into ANY subject, not just physics, to have a full understanding. As someone who takes both art and science subjects, I feel that I have grown as a result of both -- but in different ways.

Furthermore, the salaries or success at finding jobs after graduating uni of someone with a science degree vs someone with a fine arts degree shouldn't be relevant to how easy or hard it is. Statistically speaking, there are more people with science degrees than fine arts degrees. But it is true, science is more relevant to the modern world than art. There is more demand for scientists than artists. However... how does this relate to one being easier or harder than the other? I would bet that only a small percentage of those scientists could drop everything and become an artist if circumstances demanded it, as with artists becoming scientists. Neither is easier than the other, they are equipped with different skill sets.

Perspective is everything. I actually wondered how any of them could make the call that science > art when it seemed all of them took at least one science but none of them took art...

Well, this isn't just about science and arts. I also recently had a debate with someone about how mathematics is just as relevant to life as literature. Many people think that studying shakespeare is worthless because "we will never use this after we get a job", and many people think that higher level pure mathematics is worthless also because "we will never use this after we get a job" -- but I think the value of these, of ANYTHING, comes with how it changes the way we think. As someone said in my english scholarship class earlier this year, well-read people are usually more open minded -- they can empathise better for they have learnt from a variety of experiences that they may have not necessarily experienced themselves. Likewise, people who have studied mathematics know how to think about logical problems, and how to twist lateral thinking to solve a problem while still not breaking the rules of logic.

Everything is so rich, full of opportunity for learning. Shutting ourselves off from a whole field of study because we think it is 'irrelevant' or 'not as useful' is a damn shame in my opinion.

[EDIT] so I found out the reason this debate started was because people felt that subjects like art weren't exactly 'academic' enough to warrant being part of a scholar's badge. I think the reason people think this way is because of the misnomer 'scholar's badge' -- in my view it's not actually a badge for SCHOLARS per se(GPA of 80+ in 5-6 subjects), it's just a badge showing that you're good at the subjects you do take. The way I see it, if you feel under-recognised because you take all science and maths subjects which are supposedly 'harder' to get E in, then perhaps you should consider switching your subject choices over to humanities if you find them easier (and vice versa). However from my experience for some reason (possibly for practicality reasons, as I said before uni courses like med and engineering demand sciences), more people take sciences over humanities and then complain about them. Perhaps those who take humanities know that's what they want to do and that's what they're good at, and they are not doing it simply because they want to get into a particular course in uni...?

Humanity

In english class the other day, most of the class seemed outraged when someone said that the junior school was getting ipads for their classrooms for the little kids to learn to read better. I guess most people didn't think the benefits outweighed the costs and thought that the school was wasting money on things they didn't need. But in a way, isn't that pretty much what happens all the time in our consumerist lives? I was thinking, if we were the ones who were getting ipads, I doubt as many people would be complaining. Such is the model of human hypocrisy and the foundation of capitalism and poverty.

'Right,' said Roger, the self-appointed captain of the lifeboat.

'There are twelve of us on this vessel, which is great, because it can hold up to twenty. And we have plenty of rations to last until someone comes to get us, which won't be longer than 24 hours. So, I think that means we can safely allow ourselves an extra chocolate biscuit and a shot of rum each. Any objections?'

'Much as I'd doubtless enjoy the extra biscuit,' said Mr Mates,'shouldn't our main priority right now be to get the boat over there and pick up the poor drowning woman who has been shouting at us for the last half hour?' A few people looked down into the hull of the boat, embarrassed, while the others shook their heads in disbelief.

'I thought we had agreed,' said Roger. 'It's not our fault she's drowning, and if we pick her up, we won't be able to enjoy our extra rations. Why should we disrupt our cosy set-up here?' There were grunts of agreement.

'Because we could save her, and if we don't she'll die. Isn't that reason enough?'

'Life's a bitch,' replied Roger. 'If she dies, it's not because we killed her. Anyone for a digestive?'

(Source: 'Lifeboat Earth' by Onora O'Neill, republished in World Hunger and Moral Obligation, edited by W.Aiken and H. La Follette (Prentice-Hall, 1977))

The lifeboat metaphor is pretty easy to translate. The boat is the affluent West and the drowning woman those dying of malnutrition and preventable disease in the developing world. And the attitude of the developed world is, on this view, as callous as Roger's. We have enough food and medicine for everyone, but we would rather enjoy luxuries and let others die than forfeit our 'extra biscuit' to save them. If the people on the lifeboat are grossly immoral, then so are we.

In the real world, however, food and other goods are not just sitting there waiting to be distributed. Wealth is created and earned. So if I refused to give some of my surplus to someone else, I am not unfairly appropriating what is due to him, I am simply keeping what is rightfully mine.

However, even if the analogy is altered to reflect this fact, the apparent immorality does not disappear. Let us imagine that all the food and supplies on the boat belong to the individuals in it. Nevertheless, once in the boat, and once the need of the drowning woman is recognised, wouldn't it still be wrong to say, 'Let her die. These biscuits are mine!'? As long as there is enough surplus to provide for her too, the fact that is dying should make us give up some of our privately owned provisions for her.

The UN has set a target for developed countries to give 0.7% of their GDP (gross domestic product) to overseas aid. Few have met it. For the vast majority of people, to give even 1 per cent of their income to help the impoverished would have a negligible effect on their quality of life. The lifeboat analogy suggests that it is not so much that we would be good people if we did so, but that we are terribly wrong not to.

Taken from 'The Pig That Wants to Be Eaten (And ninety-nine other thought experiments)' by Julian Baggini (2005))

People's morals seem to deviate a lot though. That's why in the field of politics there is constant debate between right and left wing and, at their extremes, capitalism vs communism. In my opinion though, extremes of anything can't be good. Obviously capitalism poses moral dilemmas such as the one above, where no matter what not helping those less fortunate is immoral -- we can't just be selfish and serve ourselves. We are not all born equal, but shouldn't we try as much as we can to make the gaps smaller, not divide ourselves further apart? We are all of one species after all. The problem with communism is then, conversely, that there is not enough diversity. We ARE all born different, we have different aspirations and likes, dislikes that we should be able to aspire to. Dystopian fiction such as George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, Huxley's Brave New World, Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 (I could list more, there are so many) demonstrate that being all the same and working towards the advance of humanity as a whole in the most efficient way possible is also something that we have emotional response to -- something that we cannot, for some reason or another, agree with. So what's the conclusion? We can't have either? We have to have a perfect balance between equality and diversity?

Honestly, I don't know what I think personally at all. I just know that extremes are never good.

As a final though, what do you think makes us human?

Does being human justify our hypocrisy, our greed, our selfishness? We often analyse literary characters who are imperfect because they are more 'human' - 3 dimensional, imperfect. Take tragic heroes such as King Lear, Macbeth. Even good characters who slip up once -- we forgive them because they made a 'human error'. It's true, we all make mistakes. But does this mean that we can justify any wrongs we commit with the line "we're all just human"? Isn't that a bit bleak and pathetic? As if our humanity is the CAUSE for all our immorality, even though at the same time it is also the reason for morality itself?

Are morals ideas that have always existed in us, that are congruous and inseparable from our code of humanity? Or are they planted by society, imposed by our environment? Is that why there are so many conflicting opinions in the world that seem to be the cause of both such beauty and chaos?

Perhaps the way to explain this is that it is in our ID to be self-preserving, to put ourselves before others. In that case, the morality system we have in place must be society-imposed. However, this in turn creates many more problems -- when and why did society create these 'morals'? What about preservation of the species as a whole (Charles Darwin)? Does this mean that the ten commandments were definitely invented? The implications are enormous.

The more I think about it, the more the story of the tree of knowledge giving birth to sin seems to be plausible. This way, there is reason for the conflict within each of us when we are in these types of situations (all the time). Philosophically, it is convenient to blame everything on a God and a Devil, it seems to be able to explain why we have so many seemingly unsolvable problems in our world -- good was never meant to be mixed with evil, and our earth seems to have become the retarded illegitimate child, with no idea what to do with the two sides imposed on it. That being said, widely accepted scientific theory has already overturned much of the teachings of the Bible and Church...

So where does this leave ethics?

I don't know. I don't even know if it matters. But sometimes I end up thinking about things like these. I can only pose questions, hoping to inspire the same thoughts in others.

true chaos and randomness

omg I feel so bad for not updating. I've been meaning to update ever since I got back from Rome, but the weekend was so amazing and so much happened that I could never be bothered. And then since then even more stuff has happened so i've been avoiding updating even more... I'm so bad at keeping up after I've fallen behind...

And now I don't even feel like updating anymore. omg fml.

---

13 february 2011

Fucking hell, I haven't blogged for ages. Well I started to write the above post but nothing was coming and I got distracted so I decided to just not do anything that time. But yeah, just got home from jamies since my parents wouldn't let me stay the night since I was out last night as well, but I really cbf arguing so whatever.

This year is going to be really busy. It annoys me in some ways but I think I just have to be positive and go at it as it comes.

It's pretty sad that some of my closest friends are leaving for overseas universities etc. Actually most of the time I don't feel like they value me as a close friend at all but I do think that way about them, so although it makes me feel unappreciated sometimes it doesn't really matter, their leaving still affects me on that level. It's not that I'm trying to push people away or anything like that, it's just hard for me to get close to people. Even the people I'm closest to I find hard to tolerate for long periods of time haha, I guess that's the way I am. But I do think that friendship is something to be held onto for a long time, and I think that if the effort is put in, people can stay friends for a lifetime. So, I wish them all the best of luck for their university embarkings and hope to see them sometime in the near future. Maybe next summer, maybe randomly when we're on holidays. Who knows? But, the world is surely a small place.

So as I sit here at 12.42am on a Sunday morning running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep from last night, what's on my mind? Not much. I have music blaring out of my headphones, I feel pretty peaceful I guess. Not happy, but not angry or anything. Very zen. I hoped that this blog was a place to chronicle significant events in my life so that I wouldn't forget them in the future, but it's a bit tiresome to recount days and experiences. Maybe human experience is meant to be lost in the labyrinths of our memories. Either way, it seems that I'm not that interested lately in writing my daily events but rather my feelings. Something that has impacted on my art subject matter for sure, because I can't think of one at all. I don't want to deal with the physical and static. I want to deal with feelings and emotion, but these are things that are quite difficult to put forward visually. What is happiness? Peace? Anger, sadness, love, hate, annoyance, nonchalance? What colour are they, what shape are they? No matter what metaphors we can use to describe them, analogies are never enough. These are things that cannot be captured by science, and perhaps never will be. Perhaps they were never meant to be. Maybe they just aren't, and there is no meaning behind them at all.

The only way this night could get any more perfect would be if it was slightly colder and it was raining heavily outside. Strange though, that such a feeling of blandness would be what I consider close to perfect. Perfection can never truly exist in my opinion though. There's a certain beauty in imperfection that perfection can never possess. Diversity, personality, creativity. These are things that cannot be captured by perfection.

I downloaded Burlesque today so I guess I'll watch that tonight as well. Man I left my ipod on my desk for literally less than 6 hours as I went out and when I come home it's gone. Jesus christ my brother...

Sometimes when I look at you I wonder what is going through your mind. Sometimes I think I already know. But I always think maybe there is something more. I'm curious though you know? I want to go inside and see what it's like inside your head. Everyone thinks so differently. I probably shouldn't be so interested in you specifically, but some things just can't be helped you know?

Why was I chosen to be me? I could have been anyone else. Am I thankful? Is there anything to be thankful for, if it is just as it is? I can't imagine being inside anyone else's head. I'm feeling a weird kind of unconsciousness of who I am not. That probably won't make sense to anyone else but it makes sense in my head. If we were to accept the existence of souls, maybe I am an old soul and I have no recollection of my past self or selves. That makes us essentially separate entities I guess. So, being an old soul is the same as being a new soul. Or maybe the same as having no soul at all.

What the hell am I on about? This kind of nonsense is the kinda stuff people come up with when they're high or drunk... Yeah I guess my thoughts are pretty scattered tonight. See the chaos of my brain that comes together to form a perfect balance that I consider to be close to perfect? I feel no negativity right now... It's quite wonderful.

not in much of a mood for long update, so...

here's some bulletpointed stuff that happened to me mainly today.

I went shopping at champs elysees. I walked into LV and felt really really really out of place lolol... but it was so gold and shiny and rich looking. And I was afraid to touch any of the clothes...

at nike, I really wanted to get a pair of regular white+1 colour accented nike courts or low dunks, but when i asked if they had them in size 38 the guy was like... your feet are too small. you should go upstairs ): so i did... and then i saw these babies



I have no idea when I'm going to wear them, but they look shiny as hell and I love them already :)

At sephora the guy asked me if I lived in Paris. I said yes without thinking since I do technically live here right now and he gave me a form to fill out for the loyalty card. Thank god I know the name of Blanche's road LOL.... but now I have a sephora loyalty card that I probably won't be able to use again TT bring sephora to nz!

while i was in sephora i also used a broken cologne tester bottle without realising and when i pushed it down a lot of it went onto my hand... so my hand smelt like man for half a day hahahaaha =_=

I metro-ed all the way to grande arche de la defense to take 1 photo of it, walk around in toys r us (I WISH I COULD BUY A HUGE TEDDY BEAR HERE! IT'S SO CHEAP! BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT BACK...) and buy a haagan-daz ice cream. it was totally worth it :P nahh but there were way too many people to shop properly, and i'd already bought a lot of stuff in the morning.

(for anyone who doesnt know, it's sales between mid jan and mid feb in france so there are a lot of people out shopping. like.. A LOT of people...)

also there was a really really hot security guy in front of one of the shops and I was so busy staring at him that it was only after I passed by the shop entirely that I realised that I had forgotten to even look at what they were selling. He's bad for business... his eyes were so... DDD: -melts-

what else happened this week? well I got 11/20 on that physics test I sat last week, not bad considering the entire first page was blank and it was 0/6 LOL... 19 for art :)... and I think I have to sit the chinese and geo tests on monday. chinese shouldn't be too bad, but geo is going to be crash and burn...

the "asian" method of parenting

Something that made me pissed off and a little bit thoughtful...


Firstly, read this article , an excerpt from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua. Apparently a self help book for anyone who wants to turn their children into an asian prodigy child by using the most hypocritical method ever.

You may or may not know, but this article has been the subject of a lot of debate especially among parent communities and asians (for obvious reasons). I admit that I probably only care about this because it affects me in some way, but if you've read it you will probably have had SOME reaction to it as well.

I admit the ideas behind her points are well grounded, and a lot of them are logical. However, it seems that she takes everything a bit off the extreme end of the scale, rather than maintaining a balance -- incredibly hypocritical considering that she herself mentioned Confucian filial piety as a reason for the way she treats her children the way she does, yet another part of Confucianism is the importance of BALANCE and HARMONY. It does remind me a bit of Christians who only cite parts of the bible to back up their own points and disregard anything that may conflict.

Also I'm probably the only one who thought this, but I found the entire article to be a little sexist. There are so many mentions of the chinese mother, but where is the father? She tells about a story with her husband trying to be reasonable at the end of the article, gloating in triumph that she was right and he was wrong. But her logic does not hold. Just because she forced her daughter to practise piano until she got it right even though she was throwing tantrums and insulting her to make her more and more frustrated doesn't mean that this method is necessarily better than being more lenient. It simply means it is one way of getting things done. She has obviously never tried other methods, so she cannot in fact comment on the effectiveness of her own. For all she knows, there could be a better and more effective method out there that doesn't involve negative feelings between her and her children; just because A causes B doesn't mean B is only obtainable through A -- that's basic logic, something I would expect an Ivy League professor to consider and be open minded to.

"I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

I can see here that she does somewhat have an idea about the concept of balance, but her idea of it seems to be in the extremes. There is no fluidity. Zebras are not grey, and if you stare at one up close for too long you'll probably get a headache. Everything in moderation is best in my opinion.

I find it extremely comical how her children are not allowed to get anything lower than an A grade at school -- except sport and drama. Why is sport and drama 'useless'? Professional sportsmen and actors are perhaps the most overpaid people in the world, so don't use the money excuse. I question whether it is because Chua herself has given into the stereotype that asians are no good at sports or drama? She herself accused her husband of not 'believing in' their daughter when she couldn't play the piano piece. Does that mean that if she believes in her daughters then they can do anything? If so, then why the limits on sports and drama? If she is trying to craft perfection, why not craft it in every way? Same with the instruments. Why are they not allowed to play any instruments apart from the piano and violin? True, they are instruments with lots of performance opportunity, but why not add a 3rd or 4th if she is trying to push her children to their full potentials?

In fact it's interesting that the children she is building seem to be in fact robot asian clones. We hear a lot about asian children like this. Her children are not that special. As the other controversial article published by Macleans magazine makes evident, there is an issue with the number of asians compared to other ethnicities at institutes of higher education (especially in canada and the states). Many jokes and parodies are made about how a lot of asians apply to universities, especially the ivy league (eg. this video by OnHarvardTime) By limiting her children to playing only the piano and violin and not motivating them as hard in sports and drama as other subjects, she is actually limiting their likelihood of getting into a good university, as well as obstructing their potential to become well rounded individuals. Also I would expect her to realise this seeing as she TEACHES AT YALE... (fair enough, she's not part of the admissions faculty. but I would expect her to have been in contact with enough of her students to realise that it's important to be well rounded) Then again maybe she is relying on the fact that her children are not technically fully asian to get them past this hurdle. Still I find that her wishing the best for her children conflicts with her limiting them. In case you haven't realised already, I find her very very annoyingly hypocritical. I question how she would have handled twins, if she expects her children to always be 1st in class.

Although, I question about myself when I read this article. It's true that I don't think anything of it when my own parents tell me I'm fat, and I never tell my parents to come to a show I'm starring in etc. I don't even care if they come to prizegiving or not. But I question whether this is due to my upbringing or because I am just like that as a person. I do not crave attention from my parents, and I am comfortable enough in my own skin to not care about what my parents think. This could conversely also mean that due to my upbringing I have realised that adults are full of shit and therefore I shouldn't take what they say too seriously. My parents have said that I am extremely headstrong and freespirited though, to the point where I dislike taking other people's advice and help. I do agree that children should not be indulged and spoilt so much that they become weak and fragile and thin-skinned though. It takes a certain amount of resilience (Mrs J year 7 :P) to survive in this world, and everything shouldn't be given to a child on a golden platter.

The one line that probably pisses me off the most in the whole article though, is probably this:

Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences.

At least she said 'believe' and not just "chinese parents know..." The problem is, I hate it when parents believe their children are objects forever indebted to them that they can control as puppetmasters. If this is so, nobody would ever live their own lives, forever living vicariously through their children. Then those who are infertile wouldn't be able to live any life at all. Living vicariously through others also has extreme limits. We cannot feel what they are feeling, what we perceive as moments of happiness may not be things they are necessarily interested in. Living your own life as you wish is always better than trying to live someone else's. I would even go as far as to say that a parent who cared about children more than they cared about themselves would allow them the basic human right of free will at the very least.

She shouldn't kid herself. Her daughters have probably done a lot of shit that she doesn't know about. And it's probably from their own experiences that they have learnt more about themselves than she can ever teach them by preventing them from trying things on their own. I could be wrong, but ALL the teenagers I know have rebelled at some time or another and not told their parents about it. There is this impermeable wall between adolescents and their parents no matter how close they are. If they haven't rebelled yet, I would be really surprised.

I guess what I mean to say is that although I can see the logic behind her method, I completely disagree with the method itself. It's good to push the potential of your children, it's good to not be satisfied with anything but the best. But when you take it too far and force them into doing things they are not necessarily interested in, when you start depriving them of their social needs and freedom, when you start doing things that actually MAKE NO SENSE... that's when it's taking it too far.

Yes, her 'method' may have produced a 'stereotypically successful kid'. But what part? I can definitely say there are things in her method that are limiting her children's potential. But what happens with this stereotypically successful kid becomes an adult? Will they still be successful? In the real world, academic knowledge cannot replace experience. Well rounded individuals are the most successful. Being able to play the piano or violin doesn't mean anything if you can't stop your arms getting run over by a car because you've never crossed the road by yourself because you've never been allowed outside your own house without your parents. The stereotypical asian successful kid is only heard about up to undergraduate college level. We never hear about stereotypically successful asian adults to the same degree. Why? Maybe because they're all at home yelling at their own children to math harder... Who knows?

My parents didn't make me do of ANY the things on her precious list. I quit piano because I didn't like it. I went back to it because I saw the value in it. Yes, perhaps if my parents had grilled me harder I could have been a performance pianist. Perhaps not. I will never know, but I know that I would not have been happy. There would be little bits of happiness here and there, but the majority would be frustration. By doing things my own way, I have created my own form of happiness, perhaps not as extreme, but happiness all the same... A sweeter, more delicate kind of happiness that I am truly thankful for. A happiness that comes from my freedom, from crafting my life with my own two hands. And I will continue to craft my future with them, because there's no way I'd ever let anyone else take charge of the most valuable thing I have.

my first week of school in france...

WARNING, UBER LONG AND there is a picture of a dissected mouse below. In case you get squeamish about that.

Well I have survived my first week of school! It's been... a pretty long week I think haha. I'm gonna go through my entiirreeee week, because I haven't blogged in a long time, and I want to spite those who hate my waffling (jokes, ily you guys but yeah, read more. it's good for you :) )

MONDAY:

I don't remember it too well now, but we had badminton in the morning for EPS (PE). You'd think I owned up, but no, they had child sized racquets so I kept missing. It's actually the biggest handicap you can give to someone who knows how to play a sport LOL, give them different sized equipment...

Had maths, found it difficult due to the different notation and french instructions lolol. Example? K, their way of writing x>0 is like this: Xε]0;+∞[
don't even get me started with the unions etc etc, I don't even really get it still lolol.

Went to geo myself since Blanche had another class. A guy offered to help me out and share his book, but he talked really fast and it was hard for me to get anything in that class lol... also since it's the first geo lesson I've ever had in my life haha @@ I skim read the textbook later and learnt some basic theory (ie. society + environment + economy = durable community). It's pretty interesting as a class, and I learn a lot of new vocab from it. As for the actual content... well, it's hard for me to pick much up haha.

French was terrible. They're doing Moliere's Dom Juan right now and ofc I hadn't read it, and I couldn't understand wtf she was talking about, so I just fell asleep. she also did some dictation and I couldn't keep up because ofc since I don't speak french I can't just make stuff up or guess what the rest of the sentence is once I get the general gist of it after hearing it, like you can do in english. Being in a foreign country is really hard! I tried to copy off the girl next to me, but they all have really loopy and fancy handwriting so it was a bit hard at times... Wikipediaed Dom Juan later, as well as Antigone, Les Bonnes, and Madame Bovary. I'm getting so cultured! :P

Went home, I was a bit confused when we started going up into a bakery, but it turns out that's the shortcut through to the main road from school. That bakery must get sooo much business haha. I bought a pain au chocolat :) the first of many that will make me fat, I'm sure...

Met up with the NZ ppl at the bookshop and went out for dinner at an italian restaurant cuz it was will's birthday :)

TUESDAY:

I can't really remember this day, it was largely insignificant I think. Well I had my first english class, it was quite good. There was a cute blonde guy wearing an extremely flamboyant coat (similar to the pirate captains), who I think was in an older class, but he came back for that 1 lesson. I think he did some time in england as an exchange student or something, because the teacher said "you act the same, but you look and sound more english", to which he replied "if looking english means very sexy, I agree with you" hahaha. But he got kicked out later for talking too much :P still, was entertaining.

I wagged an FLE class (french for noobs like me) in the afternoon since the teacher said he was gonna be late and I didn't feel like sitting through 1.5 hours of free period to get half an hour of class. But no, my host parents got called cuz of half an hour of wagging wtf ): gayyyyy.......

WEDNESDAY:

Short day! :) French wasn't so bad because we watched a film, so it was much easier to follow than the first day. Then for some reason I was able to not go to the other half of french, so I went to the chinese takeaway to get lunch. There, I met another chinese girl from the school with her friend, and I asked if I could eat lunch with them :) Everyone had a maths test that afternoon so I helped them out a little, then I went to meet the other NZers at louis le grand. We were gonna go eiffel tower, but the top was closed (again...), so I went to centre pompidou with Nick and Olivier.



It was probably my favourite place I've visited so far. I had this moment of revelation when we were going through the mondrian exhibit while olivier was being skeptical about what his squares are really about hahaha. The way I see them, they are not supposed to be pieces of 'art' per se in themselves, but are instead compositions and exploration of the effects of the proportions between closed spaces. He explores the way these spaces affect human perception and whether they make us feel uncomfortable or whether we find them aesthetically pleasing. This explains why he delved into architecture (stained glass windows etc) as well. In a way, mondrian's neoplastic squares were the beginnings of modern architecture. Note how recent buildings are quite square and minimalistic, yet we find them aesthetically pleasing. It is actually quite difficult to design squares in a way that looks good as a building (if you don't know what you're doing). Anyone who has tried to build a house on the sims starting with a single rectangle will know this. This is why I appreciate Mondrian's genius more than most people would (olivier included :P). To have such a good understanding of space and the effect space has on our senses is quite simply awesome :) Anyway though I was pretty tired cuz we spent soooo long walking around in the museum. My feet were really sore when I got home haha. But a day well spent!


THURSDAY:

Jesus Christ. This was such a long day. I started school at 9am, expecting to have english, but it turns out that the teacher wasn't there that day, so we had a free. I ran into Lydia outside the english room so that was nice :) Spent the free period catching up with her. Then I had SES which is like economics, and they had a test which obviously I couldn't take because I haven't done it before so I sat next to Yilin and watched her do it, looked up some words in my dictionary and went to sleep.

The Latin teacher wasn't there either so I spent the free with Blanche and Yilin, then for some reason I decided to follow her to a maths class that wasn't on my timetable and was quite possibly the most boring thing I've had to sit through since French on the first day. They were doing simplication of fractions and surds and indices. And they were just going over homework the whole period so .... =_= i didn't learn anything.

After that was lunch, then I had FLE again. It's getting to be quite enjoyable since all we do is chat haha, and it's a good time to improve my french. Then I had maths for the 2nd time where I sat next to this guy who didn't know how to use his TI83. Despite never having doing programming on my TI, I was able to help him out hahaha :) even though I have no idea what the program was for at all lol.

Followed Blanche to her chinese geography lesson. The teacher was so french looking for a chinese guy. I think it's just the style of dress. Like you can tell he's a Parisian... it's weird, and hard to explain. I learnt a lot of geo, and the class spent about 10 minutes interrogating me as I did my self introduction so they could improve their chinese. I was quite impressed with the level of their chinese actually haha. And some chinese exchange students are coming on the 22nd :) It's so convenient that I'm chinese haha.

Okay so now it's 5pm, most ppl can go home, but nooo I get to go to arts plastiques. I thought it was gonna be pretty cool cuz they did sculpture last week (like, little heads out of clay) and some sketches that I recognised as exhibition pieces from centre pompidou :O what a coincidence... but no, we did abstraction. Ffff... like the only thing I'm completely unfamiliar with and dislike doing. Like wtf... Anyway I had no idea wtf I was doing and my piece ended up looking quite ordinary and random, just like everyone else's.

8pm finish, went home. Bought a pain au chocolat and walked home the long way cuz I felt like it.

FRIDAY:

English first thing in the morning, it's actually rather difficult because we have to translate from french --> english and english --> french. A bit ironic that the reason I find english class hard is because of the french... hahaha can't be helped I guess. It seems everything I do is improving my french though, which is good :)

I was late for physics/chem because I couldn't find the classroom I was supposed to be in and I got pwned by the teacher lololol... I walked in without knocking and he made me go back outside and knock and then come in hahaha, and then he was like "..well?" and i was like ":O I'm late." and he was like "yes I can see that, go sit down" hahahahaah... they had a test that I had to join in as well. The chem questions were easy, the physics one I couldn't understand because they were in french. Also I couldn't respond to the ones I could understand because I had to respond in french obviously. There was a fire drill during the test as well so I had even less time to rummage through my dictionary lol... kind of annoying @@ a girl asked me if I wanted the answers to the test during the drill haha but it's against my morals to cheat :P plus I don't care if I get a shitty mark, so I was like "I understand nothing, but nahhh it's okay :)"

After that I went to Chinese, where we read a piece on friendship. Most people got the general meaning, I was able to read almost all the words which is good. I think my chinese might improve while I'm here as well, since I have to talk to the chinese teachers, Yilin and some others in chinese haha. It's good! This trip to france is so good for me :P

Had SVT after 2 frees, which is like bio. Had to borrow a labcoat from a guy in my class who had physics that period, kinda got some blood and guts over it so felt a bit bad about that, hopefully he didn't notice...



Dissections are the only good things about studying bio. :P haha and the girl in front of Blanche and me took her tweezers and made the tongue of our mouse poke out as if it was dead like the animals in the cartoons hahaha. she couldn't do that with her own one because she had a frog. But I thought that the people here are a lot less squeamish about dissections than back at home. well the other girl in our group was quite disgusted but I don't think anyone else was affected that badly. They did smell like dead things though..

Had physics again, we were doing a simulation and modelling a ball in freefall. I found it extremely frustrating because I know how to do it, but I can't express myself because I can't speak french, and when other people make mistakes I want to correct them but I can't because they are convinced that they are correct but I can't convey my logic in a good way because I CAN'T SPEAK FRENCH... arghhh ): so frustrating!!!

went home after that, was pretty tired, bought a pain au chocolat as usual on the way back through the bakery.

ALSO: this cereal is the most addictive thing ever

I took a handful as I got home with a glass of milk. Omg I'm not gonna be able to eat much for dinner tonight hahaha... gonna get fat from cereal hahahahaah...

my hate affair with fruit

angry fruit by ycee

A lot of people have been like :O when I tell them that I dislike fruit. And, I am very selective in my dislike for certain fruits. Since coming to France I've noticed that my family assumes that just because I hate strawberries I also hate strawberry yoghurt, or just because I like apples I also like apple crumble. So, I'm making a blog about this to sort everything out so that if anyone wants to feed my fruit for any reason in the future they will know their way around my bizarre fruit preferences.

APPLES -- I like the fruit, but only cut. I can't eat an apple whole. I dislike cooked apples, including in apple pie, apple crumble, etc etc. I also hate apple puree. I like apple juice.

STRAWBERRIES -- I dislike strawberry as a fruit, but like it as a flavouring in ice cream, cake, yoghurt etc. Same goes for RASPBERRIES and BOYSENBERRIES. Also I like jam of these 3 flavours :) But, it can only be a sometimes food. Sometimes I just feel like boysenberry ice cream, while other times I don't want it at all.

BLUEBERRIES -- My favourite type of muffin. I like blueberries mainly I think. I've only had whole blueberries on top of yoghurt and I think I liked it, but I'm not sure. Does anyone actually eat blueberries by themselves?

WATERMELON -- Like watermelon in general, watermelon juice is awesome in summer. Seedless is best because I am lazy. Similar to how I don't like eating most types of fish because they have too many bones and I just cbf sorting out the meat from the bones.

ORANGES -- Like oranges, except if they are too sour. I like orange juice. Must be cut in slices, I can't stand taking the peel off because it makes me think the orange has become a mandarin.

LEMONS -- I like lemonade, and I think the flavouring is alright for me. I don't think anyone eats lemons whole, but yeah it's too sour. Maybe with sugar? I like lemon tea. Lemon juice is nice on some meats as well.

TOMATOES -- I will eat it if I have to but I do not particularly like it. I like tomato sauce, dislike raw tomatos in general, dislike cooked tomatoes slightly less but still not great. Tomato juice is... idk, I've never tried it, but it feels to me a bit like drinking tomato sauce which is ... yeah.

AVOCADO -- I like them in moderation. I don't like them once they are overripe and disgusting. I like them in sushi and on toast. I like them to eat on their own.

GRAPES -- I like the flavouring, not the fruit. Dislike raisins/sultanas. I know sultanas don't come from grapes.

PINEAPPLE -- I have grown to be able to stand it in pizzas now, other than that I hate it.

PEARS -- I distinctly remember liking them at one point in my life, although I have refused to eat them since for some reason. I'm not sure if I dislike them, but I will refuse to eat them.

PEACH/PLUM/APRICOT/FEIJOA/MANGOES/BANANAS/KIWIFRUIT/MANDARINS/CHERRIES/DATES/FIGS/ETC ETC/RANDOM FRUIT -- I hate them in all forms.

Anything conventional not on this list I will likely refuse to try. I say conventional because things like cocoa and vanilla are technically fruit, but nobody actually eats them as fruit lol.

WHY do I hate all these fruit though? Honestly I'm not sure. Although it seems stupid and I'll admit that, I feel like there's just something very unclean and disgusting about fruit. Like, they are picked from off a tree and people just eat them, and they are wet on the inside and have natural sugars... Idk why I find that disgusting, it's not really if you think about it but idk. That can't be the only reason obviously since there are fruit that I actually do like... and I eat vegetables and herbs which also come straight from plants. I'm just weird? ......