new layout :D

haven't updated the layout since august 26 last year, so decided to do it now :)
ripped the search bar function from Cathee's blog hhahahahhaha i love how html is open source :) hope you like it

Seals and a lot of other random stuff.

Okay so I was sleeping in my dream (inception!!) and then when I woke up, I saw frank there, and wanted me to feel his fake abs, which he had created using layering lots and lots of duct tape on his stomach LOL. somehow though when I closed my eyes and felt them they actually felt pretty legit. then for some reason he was taking me to the zoo. Turns out he had somehow taught one of the seals there to talk, so I talked to his seal for a while and he disappeared. I watched a film on an iphone (my iphone?? idk, I don't have an iphone...) right there inside my dream. I think it was the lion king, not sure tho. I fed the seal some abalone and it was like MORE PLEASE so I ended up giving him the entire bucket and then I slapped it on the face being like "you're a good boy :)" and he smiled (can seals smile? anyway it was a cute as seal) and swam away under the bridge. There was some news about the enclosure being demolished soon so that the seals would be able to return to sea or something, and then I walked out of the movie cinema because the whole seal episode had for some reason been a movie at film society???

I was with yujie and we saw tony across the room, so we went up to him and asked how he found the movie. He said he was so good in how it was simplistic and just feel-good and that not all movies had to have a really deep theme etc etc and he really enjoyed it, whereas I said I felt like 90% of the film was focused on the seal which I found a bit boring and found the lion king a much better film about animals. Then for some reason rose and christine were playing dota on the table in the room we were in, and I had to go outside to find my parents, but then my dad called me saying something about going to the restaurant by myself. I saw an old guy pulling out of the driveway of the place we were in -- he had a texan moustache and white beard. I gestured asking if he was gonna take yujie and tony there (I guess they were coming with me..?) and he nodded, but then he pulled out of the driveway. I thought that they were in his car, but I realised I didn't have my keys so went back inside to get them to find yujie and tony still in the room. Lucky I forgot my keys otherwise I would have just driven off....

I ended up driving to this school that looked a lot like hogwarts, where some kind of fight/battle was going on. there was a lot of 'lost properly' strewn across the main atrium from the battle and a lot of scarves, capes etc. Me and yujie went to art???? and I realised that I had forgotten my painting and my paintbrushes and my paint, so I didn't know what I was doing. So to avoid talking to MKD I went to the back and washed brushes all the time, except it kept being people's birthdays and we had to sing every 5 minutes LOL... random as

Some other stuff happened (Which I can't remember) and I remember just walking around trying to find people, but everyone had disappeared. Then I saw a vending machine which sold 4.0 USBs, and one of them was a 9TB one and it was $948. Which was dumb, cos for some reason the 1TB one was only 10 bucks. I took a photo of the 9TB USB and moved on. There was an ATM like computer in the corner of the room and I saw clark there trying to hack into ms waalken's administrator account? But he didn't know her login or password, but for some reason his friends had her ID card, so he ran off to get it.

Meanwhile, I turned around and there was a huge moving painting on the wall promoting sustainability. It was like a mini movie, but I don't remember much of it except the line "but in fact, we should be protecting our family HERE", and then cartoon animals (elephants, giraffes etc) rolled out of this pile of sleeping bags wrapped in sleeping bags like rolls of sushi, and then they swirled around the canvas in a circle before morphing into a picture of the earth and the words "Sustainability: It's your world" appeared on top of it. HAHA.

Anyway after that, clark returned with nail polish on his hands (not on his nails, on his hands. they were completely pink). when questioned, he said there was a hand recognition software or something, and he typed in her login and pw, and then the picture showed "please put your hands like this" with the thumbs one on top of the other, and the computer scanned his 2 pink thumbs crossed over and then asked for voice recognition, he had no idea what to do so he was just like "hi" in a DEEP voice LOLLL, and it was like "access granted!" I was like wtf. So I just watched him going thru the admin stuff, realising that he could actually change people's grades and stuff and being like "holy shit if someone comes here we are both screwed" in my head. the interface of the computer was a lot like the early mac UI:



then, for some reason (maybe something happened in the part of the dream I forgot about), this guy who I don't know in real life but who I knew in the dream whose name was peter comes up to me like a dog and brings me a 9TB 4.0 USB in my hands in his mouth, slobbering all over my hands and panting like a dog after dropping it off. I was like :O is this for me? for free? and he barked happily and ran off. It was a cool as one though, like it was supposed to be a USB but you could press a button and it would pop out like an indiana jones ancient gadget thingie, but it was all circuitboard looking, and when it opens you can put stuff in it like a locket. and the people behind me were laughing and stuff being like "haha, you have to wipe all that saliva off your hand. make sure you don't have rabies."

And then I just woke up haha.

I am a massive stalker

Today I will tell you all about the ways in which I am a massive stalker. Okay actually that term is a little negative; I prefer to think that I just get to know people very easily... sometimes without their knowledge :P Like most people, I go out and meet friends of friends. But unlike most people, I actually remember them -- usually the next time I see them on the street, I can recognise them and remember their name, but 70% of the time they don't remember me so I just don't say anything haha. It's nice when they do tho :)

I started young... Remember how the class roll used to be alphabetical by last name? Yeah... I knew the order off by heart, including everyone's last names. From years 1 to 4, I could literally write down the class roll in alphabetical lastname/firstname form off by heart. There were typically 30 people in my classes. This was partly spurred by my early passions to become a teacher, and I guess it just became a habit, even after that point where I didn't want to become a teacher anymore. Perhaps that's why I have an affinity for remembering people's names now haha. Useful skill to have I guess, even if its roots are extremely weird and creepy even by my standards hahahahahahah.

Speaking of creepy........ I liked a guy at the end of primary school and continued to 'check up' on how and what he was doing over the next year or so even though I have never seen him since then. I had his msn, but we didn't talk much. Now, remember this is the time before bebo or facebook. I googled his name, found a website with one of his classmates' emails and contacted his CLASSMATE, with my own anonymous email address, to ask how he was. OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A CREEPER ):



I do like to know the people around me in my everyday life, even if they are people who I don't have immediate contact with. Friends of friends, especially if they are close, would be people that I know about even if I have never actually met them, or if I've only met them once. Yes I facebook people after I meet them. Sometimes I add them too hahaha, if I think we might meet again, or if I'm interested in getting to know them better. This prediction is only ever ~40% accurate. I have a lot of people on my list who I never talk to, but I actually do know exactly who all those people are and I don't accept random friend reqs. Sometimes people add me who I know of but who I haven't actually met myself, but I accept mostly because I'm curious as to who they are behind the facebook info page which I have stalked so many times before :P

I like to think that I'm generally friendly to people tho, despite my closet stalker tendencies. Sometimes I think I may come off as a bit of a snob :/ or, extremely shy and distant. It just depends on the day I meet someone. Some days I just feel more amiable than others, and sometimes I just don't feel like being social? But even if I'm not feeling social... I still remember people I meet :) And always feel a little rejected when I see people I know but who I know don't remember me anymore haha.

I guess you could say people are very important to me, even if I am not important to them. Not even individuals either, but anyone is important to me. I remember most if not all of my classmates from Paris -- actually another point, I had no links to anyone from my school over facebook in Paris since Blanche didn't have one, but I did some pro friend jumping to find people I know. I literally went through Meghan to Marilou (her french exchange partner) to her sister (who actually went to EA, since Marilou went to LLLG) and scrolled through all her friends, and some of her friends' friends, to find someone who I had met in Paris thus far. It's a life skill I swear...

I also periodically google people I know's names on google to see what'll come up. the weirdest stuff appears sometimes, I had no idea one of my friends used to be a Yugioh master who went overseas with the NZ team to d-d-d-d-duel :O

The internet is an amazing tool. People share so much about themselves online (and I myself am no exception)... some might say it's dangerous, because if even someone like me can track people down so easily, then it's not a very secure place to be sharing things about yourself. However, in this age I do feel that those who do not share anything about themselves online tend to disappear, at least in my mind. Since it's where I get my information about people, if someone doesn't have a facebook, or bebo, or even email address (yes I know people who do not use email), their presence is not as prominent in my mind and thus in my life... sad but true I guess :/

It is important to spend time with people out of the internet. I do prefer to spend time with people in real life, in small groups or one-on-one -- this is indisputably better in building relationships. But, I think we're getting to that stage where real life interaction may not be enough, unless it is every day or very often. We are beginning to not be able to live efficiently without imprinting our identity onto the web anymore. In a world where more and more people are meeting through online dating (and having successful relationships and marriages!), we must still be aware of the horror story internet predator; but at the same time, we must be aware of the benefits our virtual identities can bring, and learn to utilise them well.

Of course, one may argue that casual stalkers like me utilise them a little too well ;)

Personality Disorders

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh man....
& the moderate ones:

A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.


Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

well that was interesting. :P

lateness

So this morning I woke up at 8.40, had a little mental UGHHHH as I realised that I had to be at school by 9am and slowly crawled out of bed and got ready to go. I didn't rush or anything, and at 9am was in the kitchen having breakfast and having a nice chill chat to my grandma. It made me think wow, I'm totally not stressed that I'm going to be late. This is a stark contrast to how I used to be -- when I was younger, I was always the early one. I'd turn up 15 minutes before the bus was scheduled to come (and so when it was 15 minutes late, I had spent half an hour waiting at the stop). I'd always be the first one to come to the meeting place when going out with friends, and the first one over to someone's house. I'd be the one waiting -- and I do wonder, how much time have I wasted in my life waiting? I could never understand why people showed up half an hour late to gatherings when we'd agreed to meet at a determined time -- I never understood how people could be late to school either.

I remember once in year 9 I went to watch harry potter 5 with tina and lucy (who were in y12 at the time). tina ended up being so late that she missed the movie and had to watch a later session. honestly I had no idea how she managed that. But of course, as I also grow up, I have somehow gotten lazier myself and this morning when I realised I was late and not stressing it made me think of all these things and how I have changed. I don't really know what this is indication of at all though. Adults always seem so rushed in their lives, but still end up being late. Maybe I should just flag the stress and accept that I will sometimes be late (which is happening more and more often nowadays...).

It's weird because in the period where my parents were away I woke up on time everyday and got my brother to school earlier than my parents would and felt fine about it all the time, but the MOMENT they came back, I started going back to my old later getting up habits again. Maybe the lack of responsibility made me lax?

AND, do you find that if you try to do things too early, you end up being later than you would have been if you had just done it at the right time? like when I started doing my SATs (early as usual, sat my reasoning jan 2010), and then still felt on top of it when I sat my math last october, but when I left my 2nd subject test to this october, I was like oh shit why'd I leave it so late... and with studying as well, when I was sitting my MAX test I started studying 2 weeks prior but ended up having to do a mad (unsuccessful) rush the day before because I had forgotten what I'd studied 2 weeks before since it was TOO EARLY... and one time when I was waiting at the bus stop, I thought I'd walk down to the next stop cos I got there early, but then it came while I was halfway between the 2 stops and I ended up having to wait another hour. ): this also happens in the mornings when I wake up too early and think OHHH I'VE GOT AGES, then do everything super slowly and end up actually late.

It's not exactly GOOD to be late, but maybe it's not as bad as I thought when I was younger. It sometimes somehow just happens (although I still assert that it shouldn't; it's not exactly hard to be on time), and we shouldn't really stress too much and just go with the flow. Of course, there are certain things that should make you freak out if you're late hahahahaah, like, if your period is late. That's probably a good reason to freak out :P

But this morning wasn't too bad, I just ended up arriving at 10 past 9. On top of oversleeping, I ended up having to wait for a bird to cross the road since its wing was broken so it couldn't fly away, so I waited patiently for it to cross the road. Made me smile a bit as I saw it reunite with its parent bird on the other side of the road. Mehh yeah, just chillax and life is a bit happier. :)

SPRING...?

So like normally I'd have a really nice blogpost on the first of September because spring represents new beginnings/end of cold harsh winter/hope/warmth etc etc but this year what happened?

Well it's not like I forgot. But September 1 this year just wasn't that special. I remember I parked my car a bit from school because I wanted to walk in on the first of spring to enjoy the weather, but halfway there it started raining and I got drenched. So, not really an enthusiastic start to the season. Then with the added stresses of upcoming exams and viruses flying around the start to this month has been honestly pretty shit. I've been sick for a few days now; on Wednesday I pushed myself to go to school even though I had a fever because I had to get this french internal done. I woke up at 6am that morning with this pounding headache and muscle aches but went in anyway, and tanked the whole day (which may or may not have been a wise thing to do, but sure as hell shows me that I can get through things if I have the willpower), even drove there and back... when I got home I took a really really long hot shower and went to sleep.... although I woke up feeling like I was on fire and still headache, so I took my temperature... 38.6 degrees. YUPPPPP I'm sick. It's k, I've been taking my brother's prescription paracetamol since then so it hasn't been as high as that since. Although that night it randomly dropped to 34 degrees after dinner. I was experiencing mild hypothermia. I guess you could say my health is really fucked up right now?

So yeah yesterday I stayed at home. I missed like 4 photos and kept getting txts like WHERE ARE YOU???? ): SIGH... Instead I ended up watching grave of the fireflies and the notebook at home. Both were very good but I didn't cry in either. I don't really know why everyone keeps making the notebook out to be the saddest thing everrrrrr... I kept expecting something really big to happen but it never did. I went into school during lunchtime with my mum for the upenn talk. It wasn't that useful but made me realise that I need to get my shit together and start my uni applications like asap. Which of course just adds to the long list of stuff I have to do. ):

So as you can tell today I'm also staying home due to my retarded cold, near OD-ing on pills and shit, and it's only the 9th. To come: finishing my painting board, studying for mocks, studying for SAT, uni applications -- filling them out, getting references and writing essays, studying for externals. And all before november is over. IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT SPRING.........

I'm starting to experience what Mr. Torrie referred to as 'going off the rails' last year. I'm starting to wonder what's the point of all this, to the point where on Wednesday I really could not give 2 shits about how bad my french internal went. I mean I had stuff prepared, I just didn't use any of it in the end, and had a lot of awkward pauses in the conversation where I had to think of stuff to say. I don't know if it was because my attitude has gotten more lax or just because I'm sick. Because, I told myself, I didn't need those credits -- but that's never been an excuse. It's not a competition with the system, it's a competition with yourself. But when you can't be bothered competing anymore, what's left? It's been long enough I think, and I'm ready for uni. Even if I don't know exactly what I'll be doing yet, I'm ready to start something afresh. High school has begun to get too old and stale for my tastes. That's why I think it's so hard for me to focus lately. And this last run of important exams is just...... ughhhhh....

Fuck Spring 2011. This is what Spring is supposed to be like:

(november 2010, cornwall park)

Welll, it's probably just the sickness talking. But I really am pretty worried about the rest of this year. At least the sky's blue today... makes me feel a little better.

I like to take personality tests when I procrastinate...

http://psychcentral.com/personality-patterns/ TRY IT :)

Discover the top 10 traits out of 90 that uniquely describe you

Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.
You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.

Intellectual

You are thoughtful, rational, and comfortable in the world of ideas. People find you interesting to talk to. You're the living embodiment of the saying "You learn something new every day." In general, those with a high score on the "intellectual" trait are employed in such fields as teaching and research, and are enthusiastic about reading, foreign films, and classical music.
You do not avoid abstract conversation, experimenting with new ideas, or studying new things. It bores you to stick to the straight and narrow of what you already know.

Original

You are constantly coming up with new ideas. For you, the world as it exists is just a jumping-off place; what's going on inside your mind is often more interesting than what's going on outside.
You don't feel that the road to success is to be a realist and stick to the program; you never stop yourself from coming up with new ideas or telling the world what you're thinking about.

Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.
You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.

Innovative

You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.
You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.

Loose

You feel that a clean, orderly desk is the sign of a person who doesn't have enough to do. Schedules and "to do" lists feel stifling; you thrive on a sense that anything goes, and know that the world won't end if you don't clean up after finishing a job.
You don't need to know that everything is in its place; it is not empowering to you to feel that the world around you is neat and organized. Mowing down every item on your "to do" list, every day, does not bring you joy.

Assertive

You behave in a confident and forceful manner, take charge of the situation, raise your hand in class, stand up for what you think is right, and lead others. Among those who have a high score on the "assertive" trait, many have jobs in which they are valued for their organizational skills as well as their talent for supervising others.
You are not interested in fading into the woodwork, leaving everything to fate, taking more time than necessary to accomplish a task, or avoiding confrontation.

Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.
You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.

Optimistic

You are a "glass half-full" kind of person, always on the lookout for the silver lining. Your happiness is contagious, which is why others like to be around you.
You do not feel that the world is an intrinsically depressing place; you are not the kind of "realist" who thinks that only fools find joy in life.

Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.
You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.

just thinking

You know, this morning I woke up feeling like I was in a time loop. It was the weirdest feeling ever. Last night I went to sleep at 9pm and woke up at 7am this morning, which may or may not explain something. Other than that my day was unremarkable, except that I had to do a resubmission for physics which freaked me out because there were so many errors and now I'm not sure if I'll be able to get an E or even an M because I had to doctor my method and results to make everything seem alright (Except he kept the original so it would be pretty obvious that I had doctored stuff, but then again is he allowed to count me down for that because he is supposed to mark the resubmission holistically as if he has never seen the original???) I think I'm rambling.

Anyway I don't think I ever mentioned this but I turned 18 at the end of last month. This made me realise some things about myself: I'm an adult and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

This was amplified when my cousin got married last week to a guy who she met 8 months ago and hasn't even been in the same country with for the majority of said 8 months. She moved to the states 3 weeks ago to live with him, they got engaged at the beginning of last week, and they were married on Friday. From the people I've talked to, it's not just me who thinks that is ridiculously rushed and fast. This scares the bejesus out of me. And since the guy is a family friend who my mum has known since he was little, the chance of divorce is extremely low; my cousin is a very traditional chinese bride and this guy was her first boyfriend even after a bachelors and masters in auckland university engineering. Not saying he's a bad guy, he seems like really good guy for her, and he takes the most amazing photos (link to his flickr)

Wait, what's my point? Well, I realised that I am completely different to her and cannot look to her for guidance. And I have nobody else to look to either, because after her I'm the oldest of my generation in my family. I can't exactly fuck up considering my track record either. It's like climbing a mountain without safety ropes with my bare hands, now I'm far enough from the bottom that when I look down it's scary and if I fell it would be catastrophic, yet when I look up I can't really see the next hand or foothold and there is no observable peak.

When I think about myself sometimes I am disgusted. I know a lot of people think that I am confident in myself and my decisions and thoughts, but actually I'm not. I'm human just like everyone else, and I feel pathetic sometimes when I realise the facade I put on. I wonder if everyone else is the same, or if it's just me putting on such a mask to fit in. I know a lot of people also think that I'm self-righteous and too stubborn for my own good. I think I know that about myself but don't really want to admit it too much because I prefer to keep cool about these kind of things. Maybe if I tell myself that I don't care then I won't care in reality. To some extent I think that's worked, but it still concerns me a bit when I hear about people saying that about me. I know when they say it they don't intend for me to ever really find out so I'm not really blaming them, and actually it annoys me that I'm bothered by it at all.

When I look at my actions sometimes I can't understand them. The other day I was driving to the orthodontist and for some reason I took the wrong turn, even though I know the way. The whole time I was turning, my brain was screaming "you're going the wrong way, where are you going???" but I kept going. It's like when I walked past a 20 dollar note on the ground as well, my brain was screaming PICK IT UP, but I just kept walking. Why? I wish I knew. My body doesn't listen to reason, or maybe my brain is just irrational subconsciously.

Actually words can't fully describe how I feel. Language really limits emotion. I wish I could pour my feelings out of my brain (and heart, although technically it comes from the brain...) and into this blog so you could actually feel a little of what I'm feeling; human emotion is perhaps the most isolated in the world; no matter where you go in the world, whatever you do, whoever you meet, you can't ever reach into them and feel what they are feeling for real. No matter how empathetic you are, you cannot ever be sure what it is that everyone else is feeling. This realisation has ruined so many happy moments for me to be honest. When I'm in a situation when everyone is happy, I sometimes stop to think if everyone is really happy or if some people are pretending. This in turn makes me stop being happy if I was actually happen and start pretending myself.

Mrs L's quote,

«Il ne faut pas avoir peur du bonheur. C'est seulement un bon moment à passer.» ~ Romain Gary

sounds good in theory but it's too hard to control your thoughts and feelings. Even if I wanted to enjoy my moment of happiness, sometimes I can't because I'm thinking too much.

This blogpost is incredibly badly structured and fragmented. I guess that's the state of my mind at the moment. If I look back to my teenage years, I think I can treat everything between 13 and 16 as one chapter and after 16 as another. Maturity wise I think after 16 I've plateaued a bit. I can feel growth coming right now a bit, but that's something I can reflect on in another 6 years. I actually can't remember 13-16 very clearly, but every now and again very strong memories come back and it's like I've been hit over the head and can't believe I didn't think of that memory before. It's very odd. Is it that nothing from those years were significant enough to me? I don't get it. Some things definitely shaped who I am today, so why can't I remember them?

I'm 18 and I still don't understand myself fully. When will it be before I know what I am? Even if I seem sure of myself to others I can't lie to myself. And even then, some other people see through me easily. Maybe when I'm 25...

No I won't be bothered to reorganise this post. It will be incredibly uncomfortable for someone trying to read it but whatever it's my blog I do what I want.

pot luck #4

It's been a long time since I've updated properly and there's been a lot of stuff that's happened that I wanna talk about and blog about but just didn't get the time/motivation to actually do it, so I guess this is gonna be a pot luck post.

for any new readers of my blog POT LUCK is the series of random posts I do from time to time with little things that I think of that aren't big enough to warrant their own posts, + anything else random that may come up at the time.

Well firstly, last night was grammar ball :) I had a pretty good time, although time seemed to go by quite fast and I can't even remember what I actually did to pass so much time because we weren't dancing for long lol... slept at 9.30 this morning, woke up at 1.30 in the afternoon. ughhh so fucked. almost lost all of my voice, sore throat, blocked nose..... omg so sick ):

hehehe love you yujie.

I have also recently learnt a lot about people? or something like that. Anyway on Friday morning I was reading an old email from an old friend and it made me realise something -- the odd thing is, I'm not exactly sure what I realised, but it made me feel good. Then more recently I was just thinking and I realised some more things, of which I am also not sure of the specifics. I guess it's like, thinking about why people do the things they do, and how their emotions really do dictate their actions. But then, many people hide their feelings really well. I'm someone who wants to know what people are thinking, and most of the time I think I can get pretty close on the superficial level, but for the deeper emotions it's harder to understand; there are lots of people I see where I just can't get what's happening in their heads when they do the things they do. It may be to do with a lack of consistency (but all humans exhibit all actions to some extent anyway), but I'm starting to question whether on the fundamental level everyone is the same.

I'm just going to take the example of sexual attraction here. When you're little, you tend to like 1 person and tease them or however primary school kids show that they like someone else. When people find out, they will tease you about that person all the time. But sexual attraction is not limited to 1 person at a time; it's more common that you will like more than one person at once. This I know is universal. But what differs from person to person is what they choose to do with these separate attractions I think... that's what I find interesting to observe. You get the players that just try to go for everything they want at once, or those who choose to ignore some of their attractions and just go for the one they like the most (although sometimes this isn't possible because you can't choose), or those who keep oscillating or those who decide to not do anything at all. Actually I'm not sure if many people even realise that they subconsciously are attracted to so many people... well I for one am willing to admit it at least :/

Another reason I find this point interesting is the question of what's worse -- cheating emotionally vs cheating physically. Personally I think that cheating emotionally is 'worse' in the sense that it hurts more, but I also find it more understandable, because it's natural to like someone else and you can't really control your emotions, and if you cheat physically it's like you don't respect the other person enough to actively go out of your way to cheat on them, so that's 'worse' in the sense that the person who does it is a douche. actually after I asked this question on formspring, most people didn't give a definitive answer because both are bad. interesting.

And that also made me question, what makes people like people more and more? Something I still haven't answered. But if feelings are so ubiquitous and spontaneous as they seem, then maybe nothing means anything. But I'm sure that some people's feelings must be stronger than that... deep love must have some kind of foundation... mmmm well I'm currently falling in love with a certain amazing guy (: and I'm finding as time goes on the more I forget about the instinctive attractions... so i'd like to know that there's some meaning in that at least.

and wow it's been like 2 hours and I still haven't written that much hahahaha fail... keep getting distracted by msn facebook and google+ and testing chen's program for photo uploading onto it. it actually works pretty well, chen's amazing.

did you guys ever realise that the economy is restaurant city is retarded? there's a barter system where every ingredient is apparently worth the same amount (eg. water is the worth the same as lobster)which is like, 4000-7000 bucks on the ingredient market, apparently the same cost as half a roof and several tables and chairs. then again, dishes last infinite time so you could say a lifetime's supply of those ingredients would be on average 10x4000=40000 gold (levelling the dish to level 10) -- but each dish sold is only worth 2 gold, so that means a lifetime's supply of ingredients = 40000/2 = 20000 = 20000 dishes must be sold to earn back what you spent on that dish. HOWEVER, I guess it's true that you do get a free ingredient every day... which also makes no sense because in life nothing is free apart from the air we breathe :/ I also can't believe that a table is worth 1200 gold in this game. that's 600x more expensive than a dish of food. I mean the average meal I eat is 10 bucks, so that's like saying a table should be worth 600x10=6000 dollars in real life. NOOO WAYYY..... ok rant over lol, this game's economy makes no sense.

watch this!!!! it's so cool :)

I feel artsy.

He used his voodoo magic

and slashed open her ribcage

passion waterfalling

arrhythmia growing

drinking the life elixir

until it is barren and hard as diamond

He is the surgeon

who stitched her back

each pinprick pierce perfectly positioned

yet uncomfortable, unnatural

closing a gorge that had grown for centuries

The rivers are refilling now

diamonds softening, drought ending

But when she bleeds

Is it from an old open wound

Or from the needle that digs into her skin?

Mrs Reid and the Lightbulb Adventure

BTW this is a dream.

It all started in the art department, which for some reason had my house on top of it. I was in my room and it was getting dark, and I tried to turn on the light but they wouldn't turn on. In fact all the rooms in the house had bulbs that wouldn't turn on and for some reason MKD said it's cos all the light bulbs are blown, so I need to go out to get some more. At this moment Mrs Reid walks thru the art dept and she's like "come with me I have something to show you" and MKD was like "can you give her some extra lightbulbs on your way" so we set off on our adventure ....

turns out all she wanted to show me was these new cups and water cooler in the school atrium. there was this other group of y13s there as well, and some of them were like involved with a photoshoot for school magazine, and it was like a model shoot LOL, there was one where Mrs Reid and Kim were like posing in a tree, and while we walked past the robertson building I saw Miss Clark (the year 7 teacher with the white hair) climbing up the tree with her whole y7 class looking from below making sure she doesn't fall hahahaahahah

Then when we were in the atrium she asked us if we would do the shoot again next year, and Kim was like "but I'll be with my brother in university" and someone else said "and I'll be buying diamonds and pearls and getting married to my rich husband" and Mrs Reid was like "what! we can't lose you to men" and the girl replied "i don't know then, you should've known when, you decided to use for this photoshoot year thirTENS." guys I make poems in my DREAMS. HOW EPIC AM I.

So anyway after that we went to see the year 7 and 8 french lunch or something (which is not even a real event at school), and someone had written "WELCOME TO FRANCH" above the glass doors going out of robertson next to the conference room next to the hall. nobody except me noticed that they misspelt "france" ... or maybe it was meant to be like that?

Anyway they had STYROFOAMED THE ENTIRE HALL, like outside it was just an extra coating of styrofoam in the same shape, so that the hall looked exactly the same except fatter and made out of styrofoam. I was like "what happened here" and mrs reid said "it's so that the children don't break the hall." LOL. We walked in and it was like how the tables are set up in King's College's dining hall, rows and rows of rectangular tables with like 10 seats around them. Kings boys were there as well. I had no idea that we had that many year 7s and 8s at our school hahaahahaha. Some of them were wearing wizard hats. I remember looking down and I was wearing my gold nikes.

After that we exited the hall and Mrs Reid was like "well I have a meeting now so I'll have to go back, I guess you should all go to your classes" or something along those lines, but we STILL HADN'T GOTTEN LIGHTBULBS so I was like "but I still need to get lightbulbs!" she didn't say anything and just walked off. At this moment I saw a flying slowpoke (the pokemon) and I decided to chase it. there were speed bars next to it like in a racing game. IT WAS GOING AT 140KM/H. I was just running after it, and when I did 2 more popped up, green and blue (the first one was the normal pink colour). I had to run faster, but I got that feeling you get in dreams when no matter how hard you try you feel like you're going really slow, but the speedbar said we were going at 207KM/H.......



anyway I ended up chasing them to this beach and they disappeared in to the grass, and I could see the art dept/my house on the other side of the bay, but I was tired from running, so I sat down, and there was a meowth there with all his meowth friends making chocolate money. I asked if I could have some and he threw me a gold 50c and a silver 50c. I ate the silver 50c and left the other one for my friend who was next to me suddenly for some reason (and I'm not sure who it was either).

And then randomly I woke up. Yup that's all haha.

why I want to be a weed-like flower

Flowers are pretty. The gentle curve of the delicate petals that unfold to reveal its modest heart, flamboyant but fragile, beautiful and symbolic of an upper-class, expensive sophistication. A girl wears them in her hair, ties them into chains around her wrists, eagerly waits for a bouquet of a dozen red roses on Valentine's Day; flowers are indeed nature's jewels.

By contrast, weeds are ugly, and grow everywhere. No matter how much you try to get rid of them, they come back, persistently annoying. Weeds adapt to survive. They are not concerned with superficiality or prettiness; the innate goal is to simply thrive.

So the question is, would you rather be a flower, or a weed? To be a flower would be to stand as the tall poppy, beautiful, rare, sophisticated, better. Yet to be just a flower is to accept that you will be picked for your beauty, used for your assets and thrown away once you start to wilt. It's somewhat ironic that couples give each other flowers to show their love I suppose:

Roses only last like a couple weeks, and they really only exist to be pretty. That's like saying "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance!"(Bash.org, IronChef Foicite)

To be a weed would be to be able to adapt in any situation, but never be noticed for your assets. Versatile, but never noticed; sometimes even annoying people because you tend to be everywhere. But, no matter how much they try to get rid of you, you'll live on.

However, despite the common thought that weeds are ugly, flowers such as dandelions or daisies can sometimes be considered to be weeds because they tend to crop up and grow in places where they are not wanted. However, from this we can say that sometimes weeds are not ugly -- because flowers are pretty, right?

"To thy fair flower add the rank smell of weeds: But why thy odour matcheth not thy show, The soil is this, that thou dost common grow." (William Shakespeare)

Shakespeare agrees that in the same soil, both flowers and weeds will grow. I think this extends to the soil of our lives; we all have a bit of flower and weed in all of us. It's just important to accept both sides.

That's why, after thinking about it for a while, I decided that I would be a weed-like flower, so that even if I'm annoyingly adaptive and versatile, people will still love me because I'm awesome. I think it's important to be robust like a weed, yet make sure your abilities and potential are noticed like a flower. For example, if I were a dandelion, people could blow me apart but I'd always float peacefully on and land safely to grow again, bigger and better. And if I were a daisy, I'd be content that I'd be everywhere for people to pick and tie into chains for their wrists, so it's like I could be reassuringly holding their hand all the time, no matter where in the world they are. :)

- Daisy - by ldinami7e

Actually, it doesn't matter if you want me to be your daisy or not, if you see me as a flower or a weed. I hope to be a bit of both, and if you ever need a chain to be around your wrist I just want you to know that I'll be around, where ever you may be.

TRANSFORMERS 3: DARK OF THE MOON

DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS!!!!

Ok gonna make this one short and sweet. Overall enjoyed the movie. I went into it expecting explosions and action, and I got explosions and action. Michael Bay knows what he's good at and I applaud him for making yet another visually stunning film. However I acknowledge there are things wrong with this movie:

1) Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. I accept that opinions will be divided but to me she's just not suited to the role. I found her annoying in scenes where she was being whiny and overall just a boring ass character who was obviously there to look hot. I mean come on, the 10 second scene where she's just standing there while explosions are going on behind her? Megan Fox was a better actress and filled the role better. I felt she had more offer in terms of plot and the dangerously-sexy character. Megan Fox can have dirt on her face and mud on her clothes and still look hot. Ok I acknowledge Fox stepped way out of line which is why she was taken off the franchise, which is unfortunate because Rosie Huntington was just too perfect through the entire film; her white blazer was still pristine by the end! WTF?! She looked like a Victoria's Secret model because that's just what she is. Her accent was distracting and her lines were boring; it's extremely obvious that an actress was replaced by an inferior model. Well that's just my opinion.

2) Slow beginning. I get that he was trying to set up the story but tbh I went in wanting explosions and didn't care so much for the story and felt the prelude was just a littleeee long. This also caused problems later on with the flow of the plot because it seemed that he needed to cram a lot more in a smaller due to what was sacrificed for the longer introduction.

3) Action scene flow. I agree with many here in that the ending was a little disappointing. The last action scene seemed to be just of OP (optimus prime.. who is also overpowered HAHAHAHA get it?!?!?) taking down Sentinel and Megatron. The whole thing lasted less than 30 seconds. I think in films action scenes are supposed to get bigger and bigger (moviemaking 101?) and imo it wasn't the best scene to end with, there were much better scenes in the movie. Maybe it was just to have it wind down a little? It was also kind of an abrupt ending, somewhat anticlimactic and seemed rushed. This may have been due to them not wanting it to drag on for too long but I think the pacing of the movie WAS a little weird (probably due to the long as introduction I talked about earlier) For me the best action scene was probably the one with shockwave going through the building. The animation on that thing was just amazing, it's a pity they let him die off so easily ):

4(?) is this a minus point?)The chances of a sequel???? I just feel that with so many characters dead the possibility of a 4th movie is slim. Although this is perhaps for the best because I DO NOT want Rosie Huntington in another transformers movie.

Despite all these though I enjoyed the film overall, I got what I wanted going in, lots of explosions, lots of awesome robots and cars, which is about as much as I can ask for from an action film. The dialogue was funnier than I expected, there were a lot of laugh out loud moments (although disappointing that Ken Jeong's character got killed off so early, his character was great comic relief). Animation was amazing as usual, music was good (well I may be biased cos im a LP fan). I'm happy with it :) I'd give it about a 7/10.

unfinalised fantasies

So today I logged into msn and saw one of my contacts listening to "suteki da ne" from final fantasy x. I actually thought wow, it's been ages since I've listened to that. So I went on youtube and youtubed it... and boom nostalgia.

Some backstory. Around about year 5, I went through this obsession with final fantasy. It was around the same time that x-2 came out. the funny thing is, despite this obsession, I never actually played it. The only ff game I have ever played is the original ff7, which I didn't actually play until about 2 years ago & I have not even finished. It's really strange that something that didn't really take up a huge part of my life can affect me so much, isn't it? At that time I knew all the main characters' names from VII to X, listened to the songs and at some point even started conversing to another friend who was as obsessed as me in Al Bhed. I drew a lot of fanart and read a lot of fanfiction... I remember distinctly going into EB games once and seeing the release manual for X-2 and wanting it so badly...

Wtf was wrong with me you ask? I don't know. I just remember it was somehow a big part of my life at some point. And watching that video just brought back all the memories and I felt something in my heart. I was watching it and thinking how most people have never heard of it. How most people will see it as just another video game. I wonder if playing it would have done that for me too? Final Fantasy is so much more than just that for me though. It represents a part of my childhood and is just special to me, for no particular reason or another that I can remember, even though I never even played it. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it means more to me than to people who have actually had it take up more of their lives.

And actually it's not just this song. It seems that most FF songs, whether it be instrumental or sung, just have that effect on me. They're just heartbreakingly beautiful. I really don't know any other way to describe them. I'm serious, my heart actually hurts when I listen to them. I never had this experience with feeling so strongly when listening to any piece of music before.

There is just some kind of ethereal quality to them. I remember at that time when I was obsessed with it it was just taking over my life. I don't remember it clearly either, which is maybe why it seems to be such a big deal in my head. If I think about it now, it's totally illogical. Life is set in reality, not in a video game. What made it so powerful for me? Perhaps my then still idealistic visions of life and love? Is that part of me still buried somewhere deep deep inside? Regardless, watching that video and listening to that song that is so sweetly familiar and yet so distant... my past was still able to brush against my heartstrings.

It's not often that I'm hit with a wave of nostalgia strong enough too feel like the wall of ignorance fell over my head. And I just find it somewhat interesting that it's this of all things, which was never a formal part of my life at all that had this effect. Like in its own story where in a last ditch effort to save their company, Square Enix poured all their resources into a game that would be their 'final fantasy' (and it was wildly successful and has spawned to this day over 12 sequels), the fantasy I had in my youth is seeming to go on after being pretty much forgotten for all these years. Despite how much I've grown and 'matured' (if you can consider it that?), something as simplistic as this video game that I have never even played can make me experience something so amazing.... the fantasy is obviously not over.

But then, perhaps it ought to stay that way? We all still need a little bit of idealism in our lives.

SO PRETTTYYYYY.......... square enix is amazing ):

the paradox of my meaningless life

There's just something about my life (perhaps not my life exclusively, a lot of people probably feel this way) that makes me think there's some kind of weird out-of-balance thing going on. On one hand, I'm as busy as ever, I can think of soooo much stuff I need to do in the near future, as well as worrying about the long term future and uni and all that, but on the other hand nothing seems to be happening and I spend the majority of my evenings relaxed and doing nothing and realising the next day that I actually have heaps of stuff to do. I have a stack of books on my bedside table that I tell myself that I don't have time to read yet, but I spend the majority of my time at home doing unproductive things like facebook, msn and blogging.

I often get these moments of 'clarity' when I just mentally step back from whatever I'm doing, pause and time seems to stop for a while and I take in what I'm doing, and I feel like I can feel the entire world around me, and I can FEEL the solidity of the ground and walls and the air beyond them. I don't know why they come, but they do, just randomly, and it's those moments I feel the most alive kind of. Most of the time I feel like something's clouding over my mind, as if I'm just in a dream. Perhaps that's why my memories seem to be clearer than actual events as they are happening. Often I will think back to even what happened a few moments ago and think, "did that really happen? Can't believe that happened so quickly..." I want to live in the present so badly but it just doesn't happen like that. Is that what it's like for everyone? Or just weird people like me? It's frustrating to feel like you missed out on half the experience cos you weren't thinking about at the time.

We all want meaning in our lives to some degree I think. Meaning in what we do, but how often do we think about the reality of what that even... means??? (totally unintentional pun there but hahahahaa) At this time when it seems the only time I ever talk to mum is when she's talking to me about university, I'm forced to wonder... if I do X, will I be happy? Or would it be better to go and do Y? Or maybe it will make no difference? Would I eventually end up doing what i want to regardless of what I do in uni? Is that a direction that I just have to direct myself towards? It's so hard to answer these questions when I don't even know where I want to end up. How can we start a journey if we don't know where we want to be at the end of it?! Life in today's society is not like a backpackers voyage..

Lack of long term motivation's always been my problem. Ever since I was old enough to start thinking independently... I'd always ask myself, WHY am I doing this? What do I even want? I don't know!!!!! I'm so jealous of those people who have extreme passion for what they want to do. Anything goes with me. I have no extreme convictions or preferences. They just come and go, and I can't trust something like that... What do I do... I like things, yes. But I don't like anything especially, or enough, to pursue it without thinking about anything else. I'm too accepting. I'm too adaptive. Normally it would be a good trait but in this situation, given the luxury of choice... I really don't know what to do with it. I should just be creative and make it work somehow. But creativity operates best when there's no pressure. When I feel like everyone's on my back, how can I work my creativity?

It's honestly everywhere. Even at speed dating, most people were asking what my plans are for last year. It's completely inescapable, and I feel like eventually I'm going to be backed into a corner and suffocated with an ultimatum of choice. Having this thought always plaguing the back of my mind, I still have a billion other things I have to do in the short term... it's really paralyzing. Maybe that's the reason I never get anything done. When I have too much to do or think about... I just want to escape to hedonism and ignore all my problems and just get high on the more ephemeral kind of happiness....

It's not like I'm depressed or anything though. I go through most days with a stark neutrality, like I'm just trying to get on with it and get through unscathed. Survive. But I don't want to do that... obviously I want to be actually motivated and know what I'm doing. I guess I'm a go with the flow kind of person. Perhaps too much, to the point where I go with the flow so trustingly that I can shut my eyes and let the current take me where ever it wants. I don't want to make my own choices, especially about big things like this. The luxury of choice is really a curse...

Don't know what to do. Like I'm stuck in the middle of a vast still lake, with no current to carry me along, sitting in a sinking boat with oars that are too heavy to lift.

The best boat by Mossan