Anyway I don't think I ever mentioned this but I turned 18 at the end of last month. This made me realise some things about myself: I'm an adult and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life.
This was amplified when my cousin got married last week to a guy who she met 8 months ago and hasn't even been in the same country with for the majority of said 8 months. She moved to the states 3 weeks ago to live with him, they got engaged at the beginning of last week, and they were married on Friday. From the people I've talked to, it's not just me who thinks that is ridiculously rushed and fast. This scares the bejesus out of me. And since the guy is a family friend who my mum has known since he was little, the chance of divorce is extremely low; my cousin is a very traditional chinese bride and this guy was her first boyfriend even after a bachelors and masters in auckland university engineering. Not saying he's a bad guy, he seems like really good guy for her, and he takes the most amazing photos (link to his flickr)
Wait, what's my point? Well, I realised that I am completely different to her and cannot look to her for guidance. And I have nobody else to look to either, because after her I'm the oldest of my generation in my family. I can't exactly fuck up considering my track record either. It's like climbing a mountain without safety ropes with my bare hands, now I'm far enough from the bottom that when I look down it's scary and if I fell it would be catastrophic, yet when I look up I can't really see the next hand or foothold and there is no observable peak.
When I think about myself sometimes I am disgusted. I know a lot of people think that I am confident in myself and my decisions and thoughts, but actually I'm not. I'm human just like everyone else, and I feel pathetic sometimes when I realise the facade I put on. I wonder if everyone else is the same, or if it's just me putting on such a mask to fit in. I know a lot of people also think that I'm self-righteous and too stubborn for my own good. I think I know that about myself but don't really want to admit it too much because I prefer to keep cool about these kind of things. Maybe if I tell myself that I don't care then I won't care in reality. To some extent I think that's worked, but it still concerns me a bit when I hear about people saying that about me. I know when they say it they don't intend for me to ever really find out so I'm not really blaming them, and actually it annoys me that I'm bothered by it at all.
When I look at my actions sometimes I can't understand them. The other day I was driving to the orthodontist and for some reason I took the wrong turn, even though I know the way. The whole time I was turning, my brain was screaming "you're going the wrong way, where are you going???" but I kept going. It's like when I walked past a 20 dollar note on the ground as well, my brain was screaming PICK IT UP, but I just kept walking. Why? I wish I knew. My body doesn't listen to reason, or maybe my brain is just irrational subconsciously.
Actually words can't fully describe how I feel. Language really limits emotion. I wish I could pour my feelings out of my brain (and heart, although technically it comes from the brain...) and into this blog so you could actually feel a little of what I'm feeling; human emotion is perhaps the most isolated in the world; no matter where you go in the world, whatever you do, whoever you meet, you can't ever reach into them and feel what they are feeling for real. No matter how empathetic you are, you cannot ever be sure what it is that everyone else is feeling. This realisation has ruined so many happy moments for me to be honest. When I'm in a situation when everyone is happy, I sometimes stop to think if everyone is really happy or if some people are pretending. This in turn makes me stop being happy if I was actually happen and start pretending myself.
Mrs L's quote,
«Il ne faut pas avoir peur du bonheur. C'est seulement un bon moment à passer.» ~ Romain Garysounds good in theory but it's too hard to control your thoughts and feelings. Even if I wanted to enjoy my moment of happiness, sometimes I can't because I'm thinking too much.
This blogpost is incredibly badly structured and fragmented. I guess that's the state of my mind at the moment. If I look back to my teenage years, I think I can treat everything between 13 and 16 as one chapter and after 16 as another. Maturity wise I think after 16 I've plateaued a bit. I can feel growth coming right now a bit, but that's something I can reflect on in another 6 years. I actually can't remember 13-16 very clearly, but every now and again very strong memories come back and it's like I've been hit over the head and can't believe I didn't think of that memory before. It's very odd. Is it that nothing from those years were significant enough to me? I don't get it. Some things definitely shaped who I am today, so why can't I remember them?
I'm 18 and I still don't understand myself fully. When will it be before I know what I am? Even if I seem sure of myself to others I can't lie to myself. And even then, some other people see through me easily. Maybe when I'm 25...
No I won't be bothered to reorganise this post. It will be incredibly uncomfortable for someone trying to read it but whatever it's my blog I do what I want.
2 comments:
What did you do now?
You seem to have a perfectly rational subconscience to me; perhaps your conscious mind is the irrational one for telling you otherwise? Because whatever it is that makes you disgusted in yourself, it can't be something natural - surely your longing for a connection that transcends mere words and thoughts speaks volumes about your own inherent need for mutuality. That is the essence of empathy afterall - equality as humans, with feelings fully justified simply for that fact.
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