the paradox of my meaningless life

There's just something about my life (perhaps not my life exclusively, a lot of people probably feel this way) that makes me think there's some kind of weird out-of-balance thing going on. On one hand, I'm as busy as ever, I can think of soooo much stuff I need to do in the near future, as well as worrying about the long term future and uni and all that, but on the other hand nothing seems to be happening and I spend the majority of my evenings relaxed and doing nothing and realising the next day that I actually have heaps of stuff to do. I have a stack of books on my bedside table that I tell myself that I don't have time to read yet, but I spend the majority of my time at home doing unproductive things like facebook, msn and blogging.

I often get these moments of 'clarity' when I just mentally step back from whatever I'm doing, pause and time seems to stop for a while and I take in what I'm doing, and I feel like I can feel the entire world around me, and I can FEEL the solidity of the ground and walls and the air beyond them. I don't know why they come, but they do, just randomly, and it's those moments I feel the most alive kind of. Most of the time I feel like something's clouding over my mind, as if I'm just in a dream. Perhaps that's why my memories seem to be clearer than actual events as they are happening. Often I will think back to even what happened a few moments ago and think, "did that really happen? Can't believe that happened so quickly..." I want to live in the present so badly but it just doesn't happen like that. Is that what it's like for everyone? Or just weird people like me? It's frustrating to feel like you missed out on half the experience cos you weren't thinking about at the time.

We all want meaning in our lives to some degree I think. Meaning in what we do, but how often do we think about the reality of what that even... means??? (totally unintentional pun there but hahahahaa) At this time when it seems the only time I ever talk to mum is when she's talking to me about university, I'm forced to wonder... if I do X, will I be happy? Or would it be better to go and do Y? Or maybe it will make no difference? Would I eventually end up doing what i want to regardless of what I do in uni? Is that a direction that I just have to direct myself towards? It's so hard to answer these questions when I don't even know where I want to end up. How can we start a journey if we don't know where we want to be at the end of it?! Life in today's society is not like a backpackers voyage..

Lack of long term motivation's always been my problem. Ever since I was old enough to start thinking independently... I'd always ask myself, WHY am I doing this? What do I even want? I don't know!!!!! I'm so jealous of those people who have extreme passion for what they want to do. Anything goes with me. I have no extreme convictions or preferences. They just come and go, and I can't trust something like that... What do I do... I like things, yes. But I don't like anything especially, or enough, to pursue it without thinking about anything else. I'm too accepting. I'm too adaptive. Normally it would be a good trait but in this situation, given the luxury of choice... I really don't know what to do with it. I should just be creative and make it work somehow. But creativity operates best when there's no pressure. When I feel like everyone's on my back, how can I work my creativity?

It's honestly everywhere. Even at speed dating, most people were asking what my plans are for last year. It's completely inescapable, and I feel like eventually I'm going to be backed into a corner and suffocated with an ultimatum of choice. Having this thought always plaguing the back of my mind, I still have a billion other things I have to do in the short term... it's really paralyzing. Maybe that's the reason I never get anything done. When I have too much to do or think about... I just want to escape to hedonism and ignore all my problems and just get high on the more ephemeral kind of happiness....

It's not like I'm depressed or anything though. I go through most days with a stark neutrality, like I'm just trying to get on with it and get through unscathed. Survive. But I don't want to do that... obviously I want to be actually motivated and know what I'm doing. I guess I'm a go with the flow kind of person. Perhaps too much, to the point where I go with the flow so trustingly that I can shut my eyes and let the current take me where ever it wants. I don't want to make my own choices, especially about big things like this. The luxury of choice is really a curse...

Don't know what to do. Like I'm stuck in the middle of a vast still lake, with no current to carry me along, sitting in a sinking boat with oars that are too heavy to lift.

The best boat by Mossan