how I became the strange person I am today and random thoughts in between

Lately I feel so lonely, but at the same time I'm kind of sick of people. I'm weird like that... Actually I've never really been 'normal'. As a baby I didn't cry and I hated to eat and bathe. From a young age I tended to ignore people around me, didn't really like to talk to people and preferred to spend long periods of time playing by myself, never needing attention from my parents. It got the point where my dad thought I was autistic. He was apparently really happy when I started making friends in primary school. Now that I think about it though I only remember at my kindergarten there was a girl who liked to bully me but I kept quiet about it because it didn't bother me that much. I recall one time she threw sand at me from behind and some got onto the shirt of the girl in front of me, and I helped her brush it off even though I had sand all through my own hair. Sounds nice but whatever, didn't think much of it back then.

When I got to my first primary I remember there was this one girl I wanted to be friends with but her other friend didn't like me much, but we played together anyway because we both wanted to be friends with her. Her other friend was harsh to me at times but I put up with it because I wanted to be friends with the girl. After I switched schools after Year 1 I guess I had some kind of revelation that girls are complicated and that I'd just play with the boys from then on. But since my grandma liked to dress me in dresses and tights she'd always yell at me when I got home with holes in my stockings from tripping over because I was running around. I remember so many lectures about how girls were 'supposed' to be graceful and elegant and not run around and be rough with boys. I really resented it back then. I didn't understand gender roles and I still don't. I remember swearing to my dad when I was about 7 that I would never like shopping ever in my life haha because I was so tired of walking around the mall with my mum.

I don't remember the in between years much. But I still talk to my friends from then sometimes. I hate it when my mum asks me how ____ is doing, because I normally don't know and I don't understand why she's so interested anyway, and every time my response is the same so it bothers me how she keeps asking the same thing time after time.

Sometimes I wonder how everyone from back then turned out. I see some of their facebook pages and it's funny how some people seem to stay the same while others change a lot. The ephemeral and fickle nature of youth eh? Sometimes I also wonder how I might have turned out, if I didn't go through certain events in my life. What would I be like if I stayed in Henderson? If I never went to St. Cuths? If I didn't go to china camp? My life would be very different in all 3 situations, yet they are such small changes in the grand scale of things.

How do those around us shape us? How do we, in turn, shape those around us? During peer support training I heard a lot about the dramas of year 9, but honestly I never experienced them. I do not even recall being nervous or frightened of anything in year 9. There was not much drama for me, but when I hear about the other things that have happened in this 'crucial year' I realise that I had no idea any of that was going on while I was there. Is it a case of not noticing things while they are happening? (I do tend to be pretty unobservant)

I am not even really sure how hard I work. People often tell me that I work quite hard to achieve the things I do, but it feels like nothing for me. This worries me a lot because it's as if I'm not really controlling my own life, it's like things just kind of happen and it doesn't affect me that much.

If I think about it though, nothing really affects me that much. When I had my surgery this year, my parents were more concerned for my health than I was. They have this idea that it was much worse than it actually was. Sometimes when I'm on the bus I think about what would happen if the bus crashed and I died. I often try to imagine the things I would regret, but I can't think of anything, except maybe not living longer. Sometimes when I'm on a high building I wonder if I would survive if I jumped. Not actually suicidal obviously, but I do wonder what would happen if I just got up and jumped off. Often I look at myself in the mirror and feel like I'm just thoughts trapped in this body. It's not really mine, just a medium for me to do things through.

Apparently I have pretty imba luck. I don't know where it comes from or if it even exists, because I have a feeling it's just something in certain people's heads, but I do feel pretty lucky for the life I have. But a lot of people have a life like mine, and I don't feel especially lucky compared to them or anything.

Sometimes I look at the people around me and wonder if any of them ever have the thoughts I have, and to what extent. It seems that most of the time they seem to be really superficial and thinking about things that do not really matter. I do often listen to things people say and think to myself like, wow, they have nothing else to worry about? But actually I'm quite jealous because I can't enjoy the simple things as well as them. When I have nothing particularly deep to think about I get very bored with life, as people would know. I AM able to enjoy the very very simple things in life, like the sunny days at the beach, and the constant downpour of a thunderstorm at night. But everything in between the very simple and the deep... I get sick of it.

From time to time I get really unmotivated with life. I honestly ask myself, whats the point? every time I do something. Most of the things I do I regard as activities to pass time with, where the sole purpose is to waste time. I'm not even that excited to go to France. It just seems like something I have to do to get to next year. And next year is something I have to do to get to uni...

Lately I've been feeling quite trapped, but I'm starting to get to the fuck it all stage. I seriously just don't care anymore. I do whatever the hell I want and no one can do anything about it. Problem being, I don't want to do anything. Just sitting at home like a slob all day... Well tbh if I had the money I would move out of the house in a heartbeat. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just run away and start a real life already. Crazy I know.

Sigh, whatever.