dedicated to all the people who sometimes feel like they're alone...

On the surface, I suppose I'm a pretty nice person. I take my time to go around and donate to charities, to volunteer for foundations, even spare some change for the homeless on the street even if it's apparent they're just going to use that money to get their next hit of heroin. I'm working in a relatively respected career, and I've gotten three promotions in the last two years. You could say my life's pretty good, if you weren't living it yourself.

But beneath the porcelain mask I wear each day, under the flowery mist of designer perfumes and the facade of a heart that radiates happiness, I'm something else entirely. I never thought that humans were two dimensional. We're all very complex characters, and can't be described using just a few adjectives. It's a pity that most people seem to think so.

I'm often described as 'bright', 'promising', 'hardworking', 'reliable', 'kind', 'loving', but I wonder if anyone ever stopped to think if I needed some kindness and loving in return. I'm not as generous as people make me out to be... It hurts, to give and give and not get anything to compensate. I'm not as saintlike as those martyrs who, in my opinion, must be sociopaths if they really are that saintlike. Call me selfish, but it's just human nature; we all need a little kindness in this world.

We're all just pursuing our personal happiness, aren't we? Why do we have to push others down to propel ourselves forward? Why must the kind people suffer, while the cruel prosper? Sometimes I think God is just playing games with us.

From when we were children, we were always led to believe that the world was a perfect, fair place. We try so hard to hide the fact that the world is a festering of chaos and injustice, instead of addressing the problem straight up. I often feel like my perceptions of the world have been perverted by reality, my idyllic paradise from childhood tarnished by the lies and hatred of the world.

It must be form of black satire I think, that humans can't even uphold a sense of 'humanity'. I try to smile, to stay optimistic, to keep giving without needing anything in return... but people just keep passing me by. Perhaps the whole world is living like I do, or perhaps the world really is that dark. I manage to tolerate all the little things, but even little things build up. Maybe one day I'll snap, or maybe my optimism will pay off and a deus ex machina will appear and solve all my problems. It doesn't take much. Maybe a genuine 'thank you', maybe a real smile, maybe a friendship or relationship without strings attached...

I'm so tired of being lied to for personal gain.

I'm so tired of being taken advantage of.

I was told that giving would be enough.

It's not.

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idk I'm in a storytelling mood lately :] even tho most of my noob writings are unorthodox and have weak structure and flow, I'm happy to just keep writing my noob writings.