just a rant.


I sat here for a long time trying to think of how to start...
My mind's still blank :/

Optimism and Pessimism by Sergio1970

I guess..... I've been trying to run from reflecting on myself for a long time. But I've realised that I don't really know myself as well as I would like. Everyone can tell me things about myself, but I just need some time to work out who I am for myself. Because I've hurt a lot of people recently without meaning to. I don't think enough about my actions. And I don't want to go down the road like so many people I know have gone down, into a road of apathy and cynicism. Maybe I'm already in the middle of it, or maybe I've hit the end. It doesn't matter, I want to turn around now.

So I will.

It won't be easy for sure. Changing yourself never is. But... I'll try at least.

So, I'm sorry... for everything. I know I'm not the nicest person anymore, I know I'm a shadow of the awesome person I used to be. So, I'm trying as hard as I can to backtrack and become a better person again.

My 14 year old self did warn me to never take this path. I didn't want to listen before, but I realise now that I was right all along as a child. I should trust childish instincts more.

I don't want to be corrupted by this world anymore.

Life is cruel, and it wants to push us into corners, harden ourselves up, put up spikes and protect and hide ourselves from it, or to attack it head on. I'm tired of fighting. I won't let life get the better of me, strip away my childish ideals and become an adult that doesn't see any happiness in the world.

Yes life is hard. I don't know when, but sometime in the past I somehow stopped seeing all the good things in life and began to see it as something I just have to get through. People became annoying, events boring. I don't want to turn into one of those adults that complain and complain but never do anything to better their situations. I'm going to try at least to go back to the optimistic happy person I was before all of this ever began.

Because fuck you life, despite all your bullshit I'm going to enjoy you.

songs that remind me of stuff


I'm gonna copy Billy's blog... Songs that I can think of that are somehow meaningful or remind me of other things :)

Kurt Schneider/Jake Bruene -- Iris: Being sick with food poisoning in bed on Christmas Eve in Normandy. Also his cover of I will follow you into the dark (Death Cab for Cutie) also reminds me of that. And most of my Yellowcard songs. But even though it was such an awful time listening to these songs make my heart a little warmer and I actually feel nostalgia :)

Flo-rida -- Low: For some reason this song has so many nostalgic and sentimental memories attached to it and I really cannot remember nor understand why. It makes me think of so many good times with friends and having fun hahahahhaa, weirdly enough.

Chris Brown -- With You: Kahunui 2008. Also not immediately obvious, I think it's because it was in the mix cd someone made for the van on the ride to Whakatane for grocery shopping. Other songs that remind me of Kahunui include Forever (Chris Brown) and Move Shake Drop (DJ Laz).... yeah it was an interesting month :P

LIGHTS -- My Boots: Actually any LIGHTS songs remind me of Maplestory because I had them on loop for hours on end while mapling at the end of last year.

Kim Wilde -- Kids of America: One of my childhood friends really liked this songs to the point where she actually made up new lyrics to go with our own lives lol. This was in like year 5. It reminds me of all the times we played neopets together and how we almost made a doujinshi of ourselves in the digimon world hahahaha such imaginative geeky kids :D

FFX -- 1000 Words: Year 5 and 6 when I went thru a FF phase (which is funny because I was still a sony virgin) and listened to this song as well as Real Emotion and To Zanarkand on repeat every day. And I talked to David a lot during this time cos we were fanboy/girling together and we used to use Al Bhed translators to talk hahahhahaha... yes indeed a geeky childhood TT

Britney Spears -- Toxic: Reminds me of the colour purple. When I saw the music video I thought that it didn't fit the song at all cos of my own construed ideas lol. And it reminds me of year 6 and how Kelly hated Britney Spears and it made me think of the day when I came to school and everyone was depressed cos Longson said something to Kelly or something and then half the class was crying and I had no idea wtf was going on...

Bon Jovi -- Livin' on a Prayer: Reminds me of year 5 and 6 again when NZ Idol was on haha. And during the final both the finalists sang it. And it was really catchy so Lucee and I would get it stuck in our heads for days and days...

Jason Mraz -- I'm Yours : Reminds me of airports because I associate it with Lucee leaving for the first time 2 years ago... Also 彩虹(Jay Chou). Last time when I was leaving for France it was actually playing in the airport and I smiled to myself hehe.

Kelly Clarkson -- Behind these Hazel Eyes: A family holiday with Lucee when we were singing this together haha. Holy crap that was ages ago. Actually why do Lucee and I have so many music related memories o.o it's uncanny. I might as well list the other songs that remind me of her tbh...

Boys Like Girls -- Love Drunk: Cruising the highway in USA driving from Vegas to LA. How glamourous right. I accidentally set my ipod on repeat one and fell asleep hahaahaha

Far*East Movement -- Rocketeer: Driving in semi-rain fog at 3am in the morning from mission bay towards the city... the slightly blurry fuzzy lights from far away were like the lights of a dreamworld. Cool summer air and open windows and getting our arms kinda wet but not really... such a nice memory

Linkin Park -- In Pieces: Yujie and year 9 tech. Oh man she left the lyrics EVERYWHERE.... and it makes me think of food tech especially cos she drew a lot of doodles in my folder and then she got into this big folder drawing war with laina... :D good times

Aladdin -- A Whole New World: Singstar. Yunbin's house. 3am in the morning, over and over and over and over and over.... and me in the other room trying to sleep and having dreams about flying carpets CHYEAH. And that reminds me of all the memories in Yunbin's house, like David trying to spike my drink and me running away, and mahjong, and getting headaches from alcohol, and failing to boil water, and all that good stuff :)

杨臣刚 -- 老鼠爱大米: My favourite song as a little kid. I used to sing this all the time apparently, and I demanded that it was the only song that we ever played at home... and then we lost the CD. and then a few years ago I heard it playing on the radio I was like DAD! WHAT SONG IS THIS!?!!?!? IT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR... and then my dad told me the story of me when i was a little kid hahaha.

Vanilla Ice -- Ice Ice Baby: Everytime I hear this song I think of Laina dancing to this in year 6, even though I wasn't ever there to witness it. I guess people have talked about it so much that I've... created a memory for myself??? LOL

And then there are songs that just remind me of important people in the past haha. They might not have as much meaning for me now, but they still make me think of them... But I won't say who goes with which songs :P
白色风车 (Jay Chou), Bolero (Maurice Ravel), Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney), I don't want to miss a thing (Aerosmith), Lovefool (The Cardigans), Waiting for the End (Linkin Park), Right here waiting (Richard Marx), In My Head (Jason Derulo), Don't phunk with my heart (Black Eyed Peas), Cosmic Love (Florence+The Machine), Light Surrounding You (Evermore)

Hmmmmmmmm cbf thinking of any more but there are heaps ><

the chronicles of my heart


"I couldn't ask for any year more perfect than this. As I grow older, I hope I will dwell in the wonderful memories. So many people have changed my life forever. They have changed the way I feel about absolutely everything..." 31 December 2004

"I am afraid to think what the future will hold." 10 January 2005

"Love is like quicksilver -- Leave it and it stays; clutch it and it darts away" 14 February 2005

"Life is getting too repetitive" 20 June 2005

"...When you die, nothing matters. Why are we still living with no sense of direction? There is no god. There is no meaning in life ... make more use of your existence" 30 December 2005

"My feelings for him are soaked in the paper. The memories make me so happy, but melancholy as they were in the past. Would I have done things differently if I had been the person I was now?" 21 April 2006

"What do I do? I feel like I'm trapped in a bird cage" 31 March 2007

"Is it so hard to do the right thing? Can I really judge what the right thing is? Is it in a human being's duty to assume right or wrong? I wish I could just run away from reality to a world which only I know." 24 August 2007

"And so my perfect days began. AND WHAT PERFECT DAYS THEY HAVE BEEN! I know it won't last but right now all I want to do is just soak in my happy life ^^" 29 November 2007

"Nothing lasts forever" 19 February 2008

"For these 3 years... I never felt like I belonged. I was isolated, an outsider. I never felt the way I did with my primary friends. I miss that childhood. I want it back so badly." 3 March 2008

"I'm trying my hardest. I was in a state of happiness today. I saw so much bright blue sky." 28 September 2008

"You have to take full responsibility for your actions, and sometimes more. But if you take less, you're lying to everyone, including yourself." 2 October 2008

"Sometimes I had more guts to argue ... there's more to life. I'm going to show them that. Happiness is more important than money. Think of your own happiness first, if you're reading this in the future. But don't force your ideals of happiness on them too." 25 November 2008

"I'm more ambitious. Less afraid of failure. I want to take more risks, challenge more ideas, live a life that will make a difference. I don't want to be one of 7 billion to lived and just died." 12 January 2009

"Is the only thing that matters that I love him? These idealistic ways are too waffly for me. Chemical reactions on the other hand are too flat... don't account for actions and feelings. So... why?" 16 April 2009

"Recently I've been feeling pretty alone... have I really changed as much as people say? Or is it just them that have changed?" 29 January 2010

"I guess I've become a bit more mature recently, learnt what values I keep, but at the same time I've become more blunt & more of a bitch. Isn't being a bit selfish better than being a doormat?" 29 September 2010

"It's hard to just go back to how things used to be, especially when people change. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I used to think I am quite an open person, without many secrets... Life is not as simple as it appears..." 29 November 2010

"I like you, even though you hurt me, even though it defies logic. But if you remain as you are now, I don't want to be with you. Liking you disgusts me enough as it is. You've made your choices. I'm just stuck here watching you in the distance, regretting not walking along with you, but unsure now whether to follow or walk away." 1 December 2010

Most of these old scars are gone. Some are still healing. All are scars I'd like to keep. I am putting these books away now to read later... maybe 10 years in the future. These are some of my rawest emotions in the times when they seemed to be taking over. So yes, I guess I really was always this philosophical. These are the chronicles of my heart, the evolution of a soul through age and experience. There are still many things I have to learn, both in the future and from the past...

PS. I turned off the autoplay so people won't get random music playing when they open up my blog in class :PPPP

SUCKER PUNCH... my interpretation


Okay so first of all I should warn you that there are SPOILERS BELOW, so if you don't want to be spoiled don't read this blog post.

Last night I went to see Sucker Punch (directed by Zack Snyder) and honestly after I came out of the cinema I wasn't sure what I was supposed to think. It was such a saturated experience of visuals and sound -- so many awesome action scenes and short skirts, boobs and fake eyelashes, coupled with war zones and fucking dragons, yet I couldn't help but feel there was an underlying message under all the flashiness.

I thought that it might have been an extended metaphor for something. So... here's my interpretation and review of sorts.

Firstly I have to say that I loved the first scene -- it was wonderfully dark and incredibly powerful with just the music. I also found the cinematography to be perfect; basically the technical side of film was really impeccable in this opening scene. Another scene I really loved was the robot scene on the train. The 3d animation... omgggg I don't even want to imagine how much time it took to make it perfect. It looked so damn sexy.

I thought the film had underlying themes of sexual violence and feminism, but it laid them out in a very metaphorical way, which I found a nice change from the didactic nature of many other films when covering such topics. The fact that all the leads were women (with the exception of Blue), reminded me of Lady Gaga's Telephone music video (where she gave women traditional men's roles in the prison -- note there are NO MEN in that jail; it was a feminist statement) but in this movie it was obvious that women were not in power. Even Dr. Gorski, who represents the authoritative woman, does not have any power under Blue -- by sexual violence or otherwise, the men hold all the power in this film. This is why in Baby Doll's scenarios in her head when music is played it is women who have all the power. Even if women feel like they have power, in reality it is reversed.

I believe that Dr. Gorski (I suspect the character was named after TERENCE GORSKI, the mental health doctor... website at http://www.tgorski.com/) playing the music for Baby Doll in the beginning is her trying to teach her girls to disassociate themselves from reality -- when reality is so cruel (I assumed that rape etc. happened in the mental institute storyline -- if not then definitely in the 'club' storyline). By creating a reality where they can control everything, it is the complete flipside of what reality is like. So, in the following scenes where BD is dancing, it could either be interpreted that she is engaging in sex with the men against her will in real life (the mental institute) or that she is simply trying to escape the mental institute by herself (it is said that by herself she stabbed an orderly, helped another person escape, started a fire etc) while believing in her own mind that she is in power. I don't think this is clear.

It is obvious however that Blue abused her sexually -- but Blue's character is also one of a broken man who just wants to be loved in return. He says something along the lines of "things are not meant to be this way" when Baby Doll doesn't kiss him back at the end after being lobotomized. From BD's perspective she would rather forget and lose herself, forget everything that has happened to her and in effect 'die' (although not physically dead), than continue living her life. We question whether this can be considered a form of suicide. As Sweet Pea said in the beginning when she first appears, being a vegetable is sick and doesn't turn anyone on. Interestingly Blue's reaction to Baby Doll's state at the end of the film backs this up. Perhaps Baby Doll in a way is trying to rid herself of her sexual allure -- she does not want to be abused sexually anymore.

I also believe that it is significant how Vanessa Hudgen's character is called 'Blondie' when she has dark hair -- for me it represents how men expect women to change according to their ideal view of beauty, not what is naturally there. Maybe the significance of her death is that because she was not as Blue (representative of men in general) wanted her to be, she was considered worthless.

Furthermore, Sweet Pea does not exist. She is a character that, for Baby Doll, represents herself -- this is why in the beginning when she is about to be lobotomized she suddenly turns into SP in the 'club' storyline. Likewise, Rocket represents BD's sister -- when in the train she promises her everything will be okay before Rocket dies, it's the same as in the first scene where BD comforts her sister right before she is killed by their stepfather. We see BD and SP scream in the same way in these two scenes, creating an obvious parallel. Also, in a previous scene where Rocket says, "We're already dead"... she is literally indeed already dead. BD created Rocket from the memories of her already deceased sister. In BD's head, she wants a reality where she and her sister ran away from home and their oppressive stepfather together. However, reality proves to be too strong; the significance of the finality of death is portrayed by Rocket's death.

When SP is 'freed' from the club, it represents BD letting go of who she is when she is being lobotomized -- she escapes to 'Paradise'. This is why 'Paradise' is mentioned so often in the film. It's pretty obvious that the random helpful wise old man does not exist in reality, giving the audience hints that SP doesn't exist. SP is going home and Rocket told her to "tell mom I love her" -- BD's mother is already dead, so she has to also 'die' to meet her. Also note how she did not say anything about the father. This is both to do with the cruel stepfather as well as another device for the feminism in this film.

I thought Emily Browning was quite a good fit for Baby Doll. She has that delicate vibe about her, like a porcelain doll. In the beginning she showed so much emotion, but then as the movie goes on she shows less and less, illustrating how dissociating herself from the terrible things going on around her made her like an empty shell, stuck in her own mind. She actually reminded me a lot of Alice in Wonderland. Maybe it was just the hair.

I have no idea what Amber is supposed to represent or why she had to die, she's probably just there to look hot. Or, she served a similar purpose to Blondie. As well as this I feel like most of these ideas got lost in translation due to the sheer awesomeness of the visuals -- it was indeed trying to combine a lot of previously successful movies. It was quite different from what I expected it would be like from the trailer -- a lot better than I expected actually.

That's probably why I came out of the cinema slightly confused, not sure if it was a genius metaphor or just trying too hard... even now I'm not sure, but I think it might be a bit of both. Nonetheless, I quite enjoyed the film. I'm still trying to figure out why it's called 'Sucker Punch' though.

MY TO DO LIST. for the near future...


-get money
-get paints
-send out email
-determine date

-va committee trip

-max test
-geo homework
-read tians geo book
-read art history books/research
-painting references
-chem writeup
-iypt presentation
-french speech
-read the shallows/the handmaids tale

-exchange arrive 22 may
-sort out transport to film society
-watch requiem of a dream/pan's labyrinth/never let me go/no country for old men
-optometrist appointment
-read practical ethics/what is the name of this book?
-tidy desk
-uni apps/talk to ms scott
-SAT2 chemistry

well this is kind of a blog. i don't even want to prioritise...

i'm just dumping this here because I want to remember it.


not sure when this is from, yujie cped it from facebook, and i want to keep it here. not sure when i actually had this dream either, so im pasting it into one of my old drafts..

"so for some reason i was going out with harry potter and we were living in a caravan with ron and hermione outside the ministry of magic which was situated below the gallerie lafayette, and the muggles all knew about its existence. then a war broke out among the younger generation and one side was mainly little kids and the other side was teenagers, and they were yelling at each other from opposite sides of this gold plated walled room below the eiffel tower. The older ones were yelling stuff like "YOU DON'T HAVE COLLEGE AGED KIDS SO YOUR SIDE IS GONNA BE DUMBER" and "I CAN HELP YOU WITH YOUR COLLEGE ESSAYS! COME TO OUR SIDE" but negotiations failed and a war broke out, and harry ron hermione and i had to be medics and help ppl who died, but the potion we had wasn't working until hermione figured out that you had to scull it down like alcohol, only the difference was that it was rats stomach acid and you had to drink it straight from the mouth of the rat... then for some reason a little girl was looking for her jacket in the caravan, so i helped her, and it wasn't there but I found pairs of shoes in every colour and lots of marker pens. THEN, i had to go somewhere so i walked across the field and i saw eunji and Azeria D'souza playing the 3rd movement of moonlight sonata on the violin (which i dont even think is possible), and then i went to where i was going and found out that i was rejected from visual arts committee leader because i don't know what im going to do in university and then i got kicked out completely because i was being an asshat and then i woke up from horror."

EDIT thanks yujie. this was on "January 8 at 8:04pm" in NZ. so 8.40am on Jan 8th in Paris :)