I like to take personality tests when I procrastinate...

http://psychcentral.com/personality-patterns/ TRY IT :)

Discover the top 10 traits out of 90 that uniquely describe you

Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.
You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.

Intellectual

You are thoughtful, rational, and comfortable in the world of ideas. People find you interesting to talk to. You're the living embodiment of the saying "You learn something new every day." In general, those with a high score on the "intellectual" trait are employed in such fields as teaching and research, and are enthusiastic about reading, foreign films, and classical music.
You do not avoid abstract conversation, experimenting with new ideas, or studying new things. It bores you to stick to the straight and narrow of what you already know.

Original

You are constantly coming up with new ideas. For you, the world as it exists is just a jumping-off place; what's going on inside your mind is often more interesting than what's going on outside.
You don't feel that the road to success is to be a realist and stick to the program; you never stop yourself from coming up with new ideas or telling the world what you're thinking about.

Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.
You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.

Innovative

You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.
You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.

Loose

You feel that a clean, orderly desk is the sign of a person who doesn't have enough to do. Schedules and "to do" lists feel stifling; you thrive on a sense that anything goes, and know that the world won't end if you don't clean up after finishing a job.
You don't need to know that everything is in its place; it is not empowering to you to feel that the world around you is neat and organized. Mowing down every item on your "to do" list, every day, does not bring you joy.

Assertive

You behave in a confident and forceful manner, take charge of the situation, raise your hand in class, stand up for what you think is right, and lead others. Among those who have a high score on the "assertive" trait, many have jobs in which they are valued for their organizational skills as well as their talent for supervising others.
You are not interested in fading into the woodwork, leaving everything to fate, taking more time than necessary to accomplish a task, or avoiding confrontation.

Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.
You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.

Optimistic

You are a "glass half-full" kind of person, always on the lookout for the silver lining. Your happiness is contagious, which is why others like to be around you.
You do not feel that the world is an intrinsically depressing place; you are not the kind of "realist" who thinks that only fools find joy in life.

Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.
You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.

just thinking

You know, this morning I woke up feeling like I was in a time loop. It was the weirdest feeling ever. Last night I went to sleep at 9pm and woke up at 7am this morning, which may or may not explain something. Other than that my day was unremarkable, except that I had to do a resubmission for physics which freaked me out because there were so many errors and now I'm not sure if I'll be able to get an E or even an M because I had to doctor my method and results to make everything seem alright (Except he kept the original so it would be pretty obvious that I had doctored stuff, but then again is he allowed to count me down for that because he is supposed to mark the resubmission holistically as if he has never seen the original???) I think I'm rambling.

Anyway I don't think I ever mentioned this but I turned 18 at the end of last month. This made me realise some things about myself: I'm an adult and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

This was amplified when my cousin got married last week to a guy who she met 8 months ago and hasn't even been in the same country with for the majority of said 8 months. She moved to the states 3 weeks ago to live with him, they got engaged at the beginning of last week, and they were married on Friday. From the people I've talked to, it's not just me who thinks that is ridiculously rushed and fast. This scares the bejesus out of me. And since the guy is a family friend who my mum has known since he was little, the chance of divorce is extremely low; my cousin is a very traditional chinese bride and this guy was her first boyfriend even after a bachelors and masters in auckland university engineering. Not saying he's a bad guy, he seems like really good guy for her, and he takes the most amazing photos (link to his flickr)

Wait, what's my point? Well, I realised that I am completely different to her and cannot look to her for guidance. And I have nobody else to look to either, because after her I'm the oldest of my generation in my family. I can't exactly fuck up considering my track record either. It's like climbing a mountain without safety ropes with my bare hands, now I'm far enough from the bottom that when I look down it's scary and if I fell it would be catastrophic, yet when I look up I can't really see the next hand or foothold and there is no observable peak.

When I think about myself sometimes I am disgusted. I know a lot of people think that I am confident in myself and my decisions and thoughts, but actually I'm not. I'm human just like everyone else, and I feel pathetic sometimes when I realise the facade I put on. I wonder if everyone else is the same, or if it's just me putting on such a mask to fit in. I know a lot of people also think that I'm self-righteous and too stubborn for my own good. I think I know that about myself but don't really want to admit it too much because I prefer to keep cool about these kind of things. Maybe if I tell myself that I don't care then I won't care in reality. To some extent I think that's worked, but it still concerns me a bit when I hear about people saying that about me. I know when they say it they don't intend for me to ever really find out so I'm not really blaming them, and actually it annoys me that I'm bothered by it at all.

When I look at my actions sometimes I can't understand them. The other day I was driving to the orthodontist and for some reason I took the wrong turn, even though I know the way. The whole time I was turning, my brain was screaming "you're going the wrong way, where are you going???" but I kept going. It's like when I walked past a 20 dollar note on the ground as well, my brain was screaming PICK IT UP, but I just kept walking. Why? I wish I knew. My body doesn't listen to reason, or maybe my brain is just irrational subconsciously.

Actually words can't fully describe how I feel. Language really limits emotion. I wish I could pour my feelings out of my brain (and heart, although technically it comes from the brain...) and into this blog so you could actually feel a little of what I'm feeling; human emotion is perhaps the most isolated in the world; no matter where you go in the world, whatever you do, whoever you meet, you can't ever reach into them and feel what they are feeling for real. No matter how empathetic you are, you cannot ever be sure what it is that everyone else is feeling. This realisation has ruined so many happy moments for me to be honest. When I'm in a situation when everyone is happy, I sometimes stop to think if everyone is really happy or if some people are pretending. This in turn makes me stop being happy if I was actually happen and start pretending myself.

Mrs L's quote,

«Il ne faut pas avoir peur du bonheur. C'est seulement un bon moment à passer.» ~ Romain Gary

sounds good in theory but it's too hard to control your thoughts and feelings. Even if I wanted to enjoy my moment of happiness, sometimes I can't because I'm thinking too much.

This blogpost is incredibly badly structured and fragmented. I guess that's the state of my mind at the moment. If I look back to my teenage years, I think I can treat everything between 13 and 16 as one chapter and after 16 as another. Maturity wise I think after 16 I've plateaued a bit. I can feel growth coming right now a bit, but that's something I can reflect on in another 6 years. I actually can't remember 13-16 very clearly, but every now and again very strong memories come back and it's like I've been hit over the head and can't believe I didn't think of that memory before. It's very odd. Is it that nothing from those years were significant enough to me? I don't get it. Some things definitely shaped who I am today, so why can't I remember them?

I'm 18 and I still don't understand myself fully. When will it be before I know what I am? Even if I seem sure of myself to others I can't lie to myself. And even then, some other people see through me easily. Maybe when I'm 25...

No I won't be bothered to reorganise this post. It will be incredibly uncomfortable for someone trying to read it but whatever it's my blog I do what I want.

pot luck #4

It's been a long time since I've updated properly and there's been a lot of stuff that's happened that I wanna talk about and blog about but just didn't get the time/motivation to actually do it, so I guess this is gonna be a pot luck post.

for any new readers of my blog POT LUCK is the series of random posts I do from time to time with little things that I think of that aren't big enough to warrant their own posts, + anything else random that may come up at the time.

Well firstly, last night was grammar ball :) I had a pretty good time, although time seemed to go by quite fast and I can't even remember what I actually did to pass so much time because we weren't dancing for long lol... slept at 9.30 this morning, woke up at 1.30 in the afternoon. ughhh so fucked. almost lost all of my voice, sore throat, blocked nose..... omg so sick ):

hehehe love you yujie.

I have also recently learnt a lot about people? or something like that. Anyway on Friday morning I was reading an old email from an old friend and it made me realise something -- the odd thing is, I'm not exactly sure what I realised, but it made me feel good. Then more recently I was just thinking and I realised some more things, of which I am also not sure of the specifics. I guess it's like, thinking about why people do the things they do, and how their emotions really do dictate their actions. But then, many people hide their feelings really well. I'm someone who wants to know what people are thinking, and most of the time I think I can get pretty close on the superficial level, but for the deeper emotions it's harder to understand; there are lots of people I see where I just can't get what's happening in their heads when they do the things they do. It may be to do with a lack of consistency (but all humans exhibit all actions to some extent anyway), but I'm starting to question whether on the fundamental level everyone is the same.

I'm just going to take the example of sexual attraction here. When you're little, you tend to like 1 person and tease them or however primary school kids show that they like someone else. When people find out, they will tease you about that person all the time. But sexual attraction is not limited to 1 person at a time; it's more common that you will like more than one person at once. This I know is universal. But what differs from person to person is what they choose to do with these separate attractions I think... that's what I find interesting to observe. You get the players that just try to go for everything they want at once, or those who choose to ignore some of their attractions and just go for the one they like the most (although sometimes this isn't possible because you can't choose), or those who keep oscillating or those who decide to not do anything at all. Actually I'm not sure if many people even realise that they subconsciously are attracted to so many people... well I for one am willing to admit it at least :/

Another reason I find this point interesting is the question of what's worse -- cheating emotionally vs cheating physically. Personally I think that cheating emotionally is 'worse' in the sense that it hurts more, but I also find it more understandable, because it's natural to like someone else and you can't really control your emotions, and if you cheat physically it's like you don't respect the other person enough to actively go out of your way to cheat on them, so that's 'worse' in the sense that the person who does it is a douche. actually after I asked this question on formspring, most people didn't give a definitive answer because both are bad. interesting.

And that also made me question, what makes people like people more and more? Something I still haven't answered. But if feelings are so ubiquitous and spontaneous as they seem, then maybe nothing means anything. But I'm sure that some people's feelings must be stronger than that... deep love must have some kind of foundation... mmmm well I'm currently falling in love with a certain amazing guy (: and I'm finding as time goes on the more I forget about the instinctive attractions... so i'd like to know that there's some meaning in that at least.

and wow it's been like 2 hours and I still haven't written that much hahahaha fail... keep getting distracted by msn facebook and google+ and testing chen's program for photo uploading onto it. it actually works pretty well, chen's amazing.

did you guys ever realise that the economy is restaurant city is retarded? there's a barter system where every ingredient is apparently worth the same amount (eg. water is the worth the same as lobster)which is like, 4000-7000 bucks on the ingredient market, apparently the same cost as half a roof and several tables and chairs. then again, dishes last infinite time so you could say a lifetime's supply of those ingredients would be on average 10x4000=40000 gold (levelling the dish to level 10) -- but each dish sold is only worth 2 gold, so that means a lifetime's supply of ingredients = 40000/2 = 20000 = 20000 dishes must be sold to earn back what you spent on that dish. HOWEVER, I guess it's true that you do get a free ingredient every day... which also makes no sense because in life nothing is free apart from the air we breathe :/ I also can't believe that a table is worth 1200 gold in this game. that's 600x more expensive than a dish of food. I mean the average meal I eat is 10 bucks, so that's like saying a table should be worth 600x10=6000 dollars in real life. NOOO WAYYY..... ok rant over lol, this game's economy makes no sense.

watch this!!!! it's so cool :)

I feel artsy.

He used his voodoo magic

and slashed open her ribcage

passion waterfalling

arrhythmia growing

drinking the life elixir

until it is barren and hard as diamond

He is the surgeon

who stitched her back

each pinprick pierce perfectly positioned

yet uncomfortable, unnatural

closing a gorge that had grown for centuries

The rivers are refilling now

diamonds softening, drought ending

But when she bleeds

Is it from an old open wound

Or from the needle that digs into her skin?

Mrs Reid and the Lightbulb Adventure

BTW this is a dream.

It all started in the art department, which for some reason had my house on top of it. I was in my room and it was getting dark, and I tried to turn on the light but they wouldn't turn on. In fact all the rooms in the house had bulbs that wouldn't turn on and for some reason MKD said it's cos all the light bulbs are blown, so I need to go out to get some more. At this moment Mrs Reid walks thru the art dept and she's like "come with me I have something to show you" and MKD was like "can you give her some extra lightbulbs on your way" so we set off on our adventure ....

turns out all she wanted to show me was these new cups and water cooler in the school atrium. there was this other group of y13s there as well, and some of them were like involved with a photoshoot for school magazine, and it was like a model shoot LOL, there was one where Mrs Reid and Kim were like posing in a tree, and while we walked past the robertson building I saw Miss Clark (the year 7 teacher with the white hair) climbing up the tree with her whole y7 class looking from below making sure she doesn't fall hahahaahahah

Then when we were in the atrium she asked us if we would do the shoot again next year, and Kim was like "but I'll be with my brother in university" and someone else said "and I'll be buying diamonds and pearls and getting married to my rich husband" and Mrs Reid was like "what! we can't lose you to men" and the girl replied "i don't know then, you should've known when, you decided to use for this photoshoot year thirTENS." guys I make poems in my DREAMS. HOW EPIC AM I.

So anyway after that we went to see the year 7 and 8 french lunch or something (which is not even a real event at school), and someone had written "WELCOME TO FRANCH" above the glass doors going out of robertson next to the conference room next to the hall. nobody except me noticed that they misspelt "france" ... or maybe it was meant to be like that?

Anyway they had STYROFOAMED THE ENTIRE HALL, like outside it was just an extra coating of styrofoam in the same shape, so that the hall looked exactly the same except fatter and made out of styrofoam. I was like "what happened here" and mrs reid said "it's so that the children don't break the hall." LOL. We walked in and it was like how the tables are set up in King's College's dining hall, rows and rows of rectangular tables with like 10 seats around them. Kings boys were there as well. I had no idea that we had that many year 7s and 8s at our school hahaahahaha. Some of them were wearing wizard hats. I remember looking down and I was wearing my gold nikes.

After that we exited the hall and Mrs Reid was like "well I have a meeting now so I'll have to go back, I guess you should all go to your classes" or something along those lines, but we STILL HADN'T GOTTEN LIGHTBULBS so I was like "but I still need to get lightbulbs!" she didn't say anything and just walked off. At this moment I saw a flying slowpoke (the pokemon) and I decided to chase it. there were speed bars next to it like in a racing game. IT WAS GOING AT 140KM/H. I was just running after it, and when I did 2 more popped up, green and blue (the first one was the normal pink colour). I had to run faster, but I got that feeling you get in dreams when no matter how hard you try you feel like you're going really slow, but the speedbar said we were going at 207KM/H.......



anyway I ended up chasing them to this beach and they disappeared in to the grass, and I could see the art dept/my house on the other side of the bay, but I was tired from running, so I sat down, and there was a meowth there with all his meowth friends making chocolate money. I asked if I could have some and he threw me a gold 50c and a silver 50c. I ate the silver 50c and left the other one for my friend who was next to me suddenly for some reason (and I'm not sure who it was either).

And then randomly I woke up. Yup that's all haha.

why I want to be a weed-like flower

Flowers are pretty. The gentle curve of the delicate petals that unfold to reveal its modest heart, flamboyant but fragile, beautiful and symbolic of an upper-class, expensive sophistication. A girl wears them in her hair, ties them into chains around her wrists, eagerly waits for a bouquet of a dozen red roses on Valentine's Day; flowers are indeed nature's jewels.

By contrast, weeds are ugly, and grow everywhere. No matter how much you try to get rid of them, they come back, persistently annoying. Weeds adapt to survive. They are not concerned with superficiality or prettiness; the innate goal is to simply thrive.

So the question is, would you rather be a flower, or a weed? To be a flower would be to stand as the tall poppy, beautiful, rare, sophisticated, better. Yet to be just a flower is to accept that you will be picked for your beauty, used for your assets and thrown away once you start to wilt. It's somewhat ironic that couples give each other flowers to show their love I suppose:

Roses only last like a couple weeks, and they really only exist to be pretty. That's like saying "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance!"(Bash.org, IronChef Foicite)

To be a weed would be to be able to adapt in any situation, but never be noticed for your assets. Versatile, but never noticed; sometimes even annoying people because you tend to be everywhere. But, no matter how much they try to get rid of you, you'll live on.

However, despite the common thought that weeds are ugly, flowers such as dandelions or daisies can sometimes be considered to be weeds because they tend to crop up and grow in places where they are not wanted. However, from this we can say that sometimes weeds are not ugly -- because flowers are pretty, right?

"To thy fair flower add the rank smell of weeds: But why thy odour matcheth not thy show, The soil is this, that thou dost common grow." (William Shakespeare)

Shakespeare agrees that in the same soil, both flowers and weeds will grow. I think this extends to the soil of our lives; we all have a bit of flower and weed in all of us. It's just important to accept both sides.

That's why, after thinking about it for a while, I decided that I would be a weed-like flower, so that even if I'm annoyingly adaptive and versatile, people will still love me because I'm awesome. I think it's important to be robust like a weed, yet make sure your abilities and potential are noticed like a flower. For example, if I were a dandelion, people could blow me apart but I'd always float peacefully on and land safely to grow again, bigger and better. And if I were a daisy, I'd be content that I'd be everywhere for people to pick and tie into chains for their wrists, so it's like I could be reassuringly holding their hand all the time, no matter where in the world they are. :)

- Daisy - by ldinami7e

Actually, it doesn't matter if you want me to be your daisy or not, if you see me as a flower or a weed. I hope to be a bit of both, and if you ever need a chain to be around your wrist I just want you to know that I'll be around, where ever you may be.

TRANSFORMERS 3: DARK OF THE MOON

DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS!!!!

Ok gonna make this one short and sweet. Overall enjoyed the movie. I went into it expecting explosions and action, and I got explosions and action. Michael Bay knows what he's good at and I applaud him for making yet another visually stunning film. However I acknowledge there are things wrong with this movie:

1) Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. I accept that opinions will be divided but to me she's just not suited to the role. I found her annoying in scenes where she was being whiny and overall just a boring ass character who was obviously there to look hot. I mean come on, the 10 second scene where she's just standing there while explosions are going on behind her? Megan Fox was a better actress and filled the role better. I felt she had more offer in terms of plot and the dangerously-sexy character. Megan Fox can have dirt on her face and mud on her clothes and still look hot. Ok I acknowledge Fox stepped way out of line which is why she was taken off the franchise, which is unfortunate because Rosie Huntington was just too perfect through the entire film; her white blazer was still pristine by the end! WTF?! She looked like a Victoria's Secret model because that's just what she is. Her accent was distracting and her lines were boring; it's extremely obvious that an actress was replaced by an inferior model. Well that's just my opinion.

2) Slow beginning. I get that he was trying to set up the story but tbh I went in wanting explosions and didn't care so much for the story and felt the prelude was just a littleeee long. This also caused problems later on with the flow of the plot because it seemed that he needed to cram a lot more in a smaller due to what was sacrificed for the longer introduction.

3) Action scene flow. I agree with many here in that the ending was a little disappointing. The last action scene seemed to be just of OP (optimus prime.. who is also overpowered HAHAHAHA get it?!?!?) taking down Sentinel and Megatron. The whole thing lasted less than 30 seconds. I think in films action scenes are supposed to get bigger and bigger (moviemaking 101?) and imo it wasn't the best scene to end with, there were much better scenes in the movie. Maybe it was just to have it wind down a little? It was also kind of an abrupt ending, somewhat anticlimactic and seemed rushed. This may have been due to them not wanting it to drag on for too long but I think the pacing of the movie WAS a little weird (probably due to the long as introduction I talked about earlier) For me the best action scene was probably the one with shockwave going through the building. The animation on that thing was just amazing, it's a pity they let him die off so easily ):

4(?) is this a minus point?)The chances of a sequel???? I just feel that with so many characters dead the possibility of a 4th movie is slim. Although this is perhaps for the best because I DO NOT want Rosie Huntington in another transformers movie.

Despite all these though I enjoyed the film overall, I got what I wanted going in, lots of explosions, lots of awesome robots and cars, which is about as much as I can ask for from an action film. The dialogue was funnier than I expected, there were a lot of laugh out loud moments (although disappointing that Ken Jeong's character got killed off so early, his character was great comic relief). Animation was amazing as usual, music was good (well I may be biased cos im a LP fan). I'm happy with it :) I'd give it about a 7/10.

unfinalised fantasies

So today I logged into msn and saw one of my contacts listening to "suteki da ne" from final fantasy x. I actually thought wow, it's been ages since I've listened to that. So I went on youtube and youtubed it... and boom nostalgia.

Some backstory. Around about year 5, I went through this obsession with final fantasy. It was around the same time that x-2 came out. the funny thing is, despite this obsession, I never actually played it. The only ff game I have ever played is the original ff7, which I didn't actually play until about 2 years ago & I have not even finished. It's really strange that something that didn't really take up a huge part of my life can affect me so much, isn't it? At that time I knew all the main characters' names from VII to X, listened to the songs and at some point even started conversing to another friend who was as obsessed as me in Al Bhed. I drew a lot of fanart and read a lot of fanfiction... I remember distinctly going into EB games once and seeing the release manual for X-2 and wanting it so badly...

Wtf was wrong with me you ask? I don't know. I just remember it was somehow a big part of my life at some point. And watching that video just brought back all the memories and I felt something in my heart. I was watching it and thinking how most people have never heard of it. How most people will see it as just another video game. I wonder if playing it would have done that for me too? Final Fantasy is so much more than just that for me though. It represents a part of my childhood and is just special to me, for no particular reason or another that I can remember, even though I never even played it. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it means more to me than to people who have actually had it take up more of their lives.

And actually it's not just this song. It seems that most FF songs, whether it be instrumental or sung, just have that effect on me. They're just heartbreakingly beautiful. I really don't know any other way to describe them. I'm serious, my heart actually hurts when I listen to them. I never had this experience with feeling so strongly when listening to any piece of music before.

There is just some kind of ethereal quality to them. I remember at that time when I was obsessed with it it was just taking over my life. I don't remember it clearly either, which is maybe why it seems to be such a big deal in my head. If I think about it now, it's totally illogical. Life is set in reality, not in a video game. What made it so powerful for me? Perhaps my then still idealistic visions of life and love? Is that part of me still buried somewhere deep deep inside? Regardless, watching that video and listening to that song that is so sweetly familiar and yet so distant... my past was still able to brush against my heartstrings.

It's not often that I'm hit with a wave of nostalgia strong enough too feel like the wall of ignorance fell over my head. And I just find it somewhat interesting that it's this of all things, which was never a formal part of my life at all that had this effect. Like in its own story where in a last ditch effort to save their company, Square Enix poured all their resources into a game that would be their 'final fantasy' (and it was wildly successful and has spawned to this day over 12 sequels), the fantasy I had in my youth is seeming to go on after being pretty much forgotten for all these years. Despite how much I've grown and 'matured' (if you can consider it that?), something as simplistic as this video game that I have never even played can make me experience something so amazing.... the fantasy is obviously not over.

But then, perhaps it ought to stay that way? We all still need a little bit of idealism in our lives.

SO PRETTTYYYYY.......... square enix is amazing ):

the paradox of my meaningless life

There's just something about my life (perhaps not my life exclusively, a lot of people probably feel this way) that makes me think there's some kind of weird out-of-balance thing going on. On one hand, I'm as busy as ever, I can think of soooo much stuff I need to do in the near future, as well as worrying about the long term future and uni and all that, but on the other hand nothing seems to be happening and I spend the majority of my evenings relaxed and doing nothing and realising the next day that I actually have heaps of stuff to do. I have a stack of books on my bedside table that I tell myself that I don't have time to read yet, but I spend the majority of my time at home doing unproductive things like facebook, msn and blogging.

I often get these moments of 'clarity' when I just mentally step back from whatever I'm doing, pause and time seems to stop for a while and I take in what I'm doing, and I feel like I can feel the entire world around me, and I can FEEL the solidity of the ground and walls and the air beyond them. I don't know why they come, but they do, just randomly, and it's those moments I feel the most alive kind of. Most of the time I feel like something's clouding over my mind, as if I'm just in a dream. Perhaps that's why my memories seem to be clearer than actual events as they are happening. Often I will think back to even what happened a few moments ago and think, "did that really happen? Can't believe that happened so quickly..." I want to live in the present so badly but it just doesn't happen like that. Is that what it's like for everyone? Or just weird people like me? It's frustrating to feel like you missed out on half the experience cos you weren't thinking about at the time.

We all want meaning in our lives to some degree I think. Meaning in what we do, but how often do we think about the reality of what that even... means??? (totally unintentional pun there but hahahahaa) At this time when it seems the only time I ever talk to mum is when she's talking to me about university, I'm forced to wonder... if I do X, will I be happy? Or would it be better to go and do Y? Or maybe it will make no difference? Would I eventually end up doing what i want to regardless of what I do in uni? Is that a direction that I just have to direct myself towards? It's so hard to answer these questions when I don't even know where I want to end up. How can we start a journey if we don't know where we want to be at the end of it?! Life in today's society is not like a backpackers voyage..

Lack of long term motivation's always been my problem. Ever since I was old enough to start thinking independently... I'd always ask myself, WHY am I doing this? What do I even want? I don't know!!!!! I'm so jealous of those people who have extreme passion for what they want to do. Anything goes with me. I have no extreme convictions or preferences. They just come and go, and I can't trust something like that... What do I do... I like things, yes. But I don't like anything especially, or enough, to pursue it without thinking about anything else. I'm too accepting. I'm too adaptive. Normally it would be a good trait but in this situation, given the luxury of choice... I really don't know what to do with it. I should just be creative and make it work somehow. But creativity operates best when there's no pressure. When I feel like everyone's on my back, how can I work my creativity?

It's honestly everywhere. Even at speed dating, most people were asking what my plans are for last year. It's completely inescapable, and I feel like eventually I'm going to be backed into a corner and suffocated with an ultimatum of choice. Having this thought always plaguing the back of my mind, I still have a billion other things I have to do in the short term... it's really paralyzing. Maybe that's the reason I never get anything done. When I have too much to do or think about... I just want to escape to hedonism and ignore all my problems and just get high on the more ephemeral kind of happiness....

It's not like I'm depressed or anything though. I go through most days with a stark neutrality, like I'm just trying to get on with it and get through unscathed. Survive. But I don't want to do that... obviously I want to be actually motivated and know what I'm doing. I guess I'm a go with the flow kind of person. Perhaps too much, to the point where I go with the flow so trustingly that I can shut my eyes and let the current take me where ever it wants. I don't want to make my own choices, especially about big things like this. The luxury of choice is really a curse...

Don't know what to do. Like I'm stuck in the middle of a vast still lake, with no current to carry me along, sitting in a sinking boat with oars that are too heavy to lift.

The best boat by Mossan

So like I haven't updated in ages...

What's been going in in my life you wonder? WELLL..... as you know, Blanche came over so we've been going to all sorts of cool touristy places... it's weird cos you never really visit these places when you live in the city. It's like how when I was in Paris her dad told me he hasn't visited the louvre in like 15 years haha. People really think that there's nothing to do in NZ but I learnt in this last month that there's actually heaps to do if you're a tourist lol...



rotorua/taupo trip :) I'M A BLACK SWANNNN



we went to the zoo :)




and to kelly tarltons~~ i never realised that stingrays are actually kinda cute haha but we watched the lady feed them and the way she talked about them made them seem really cute~~



AND I GOT MY BRACES OFF :)


And then today we went to waiheke :D

And yesterday I had my final MAX exam, which went terribly, I don't even wanna.. =__= just wait for results to come out eh... definitely not an A+ ugh. In a way I feel like I should have invested more time in it, but.... it's kinda hard with my hectic life hahahahaha. now that MAX has ended I have more time to invest in the ball I guess @@

Went to see XMEN first class last week, IT WAS GOOD and it made me fall slightly in love with james mcavoy *___* I mean just look at him :)


I've started using tumblr a lot more as well due to procrastinatory habits (yes I did just make up an adjective form of "procrastination")

Also I am currently in love with this song :)



Aaaaand, we went back to the chinese restaurant from the previous post and the same waitress was a lot more cheerful this time around and it made me smile :)

dear lady waitress

dear lady waitress,
why do you look so sad?
your wrinkles like deep roots
clinging onto your face
growing into diamonds
in the corners of your
downwards-draping eyes

the only colour I see
is in your mass-produced
green
woven uniform
clashing with the rosiness
of a little inverse crescent moon
glowing disdain onto the world

yet the sleekness of your hair
and the elegance of your hands
give you away;
you are not a sad lady, waitress
still in the morning of your life
although it is dark outside
and we dine around you
as you invisibly bring us our peking duck
with such sadness in your eyes

I can see past it, waitress;
yet I wonder why
you don't smile?

-----------

inspired by a waitress at dinner 2 nights ago

winter!

It's the 1st of June today. Finally winter has arrived for 2011 ... despite all the freezing cold days we had in the middle of autumn the first day of winter wasn't so bad. The sky is blue outside, and it was pretty warm because of the sun. Today was a pretty nice day.

Hmmm what's on my mind? It's the middle of exams. Just wanna get through this week....

Some good things happen in my life, and some bad (?) things happen in my life too. Pretty neutral right now, so it's good haha. I think I can keep this up. Actually it's pretty interesting, when I was writing my english essay today in my exam it made me think of my own life lol.... this caused my Lear essay to come out really circular and pedantic in places and I didn't really like it but oh well :/ that's what you get for not planning properly???

Actually this year is really short. We only get 3 terms, and this term is split in half cos of exams, and next term we have exams too... I think graduation is gonna creep up on us really quickly. I don't really know if I want to graduate though. I'm probably gonna cry ): Growing up is so hard....

hummmm I guess I'm just in a very random floaty mood today? I was pretty tired in my physics exam, couldn't be bothered... like the paper just seemed sooooo long.


Very true I think.

"You can't change your situation. The only thing you can change is the way you deal with it.” ~50/50 Trailer

Yeah there's your wisdom from me today :) Gonna go see 50/50 when it comes out hahaha... in like... a year probably lol.

Oh well. Here's hoping this year's winter will be a good one. :)

[EDIT]
7.43pm.
Actually you know what, I just went back through some of my old entries, and I was so INSPIRED. Like actually. I don't know how I came up with all that crap to write back then, but I did. And also it annoys me because due to some editting errors huge chunks of some entries are missing now and it pisses me off cos it's like part of my life got deleted.

I don't have to talk about anything particularly philosophical or thought provoking to blog. I never did. Some people say I've changed a lot but actually if I go back to the inner workings of my mind back then I haven't changed that much at all. Except maybe now I'm less creative and have less to say, and stuff just doesn't flow as well when they come out of my brain into my fingers and onto the keyboard.

Back then I was not restricted by secrets, or not wanting people to know about me. I wasn't someone who had secrets. I had nothing to hide. I wish so badly that I was like that again... these days every 2nd thing I say I feel like someone's judging me. WHY? Is it that society was always like that and I was just blissfully ignorant or is it just that as we grow up people's mentality actually goes backwards in maturity? I just don't understand!!!!!

I know not what to make
of your
half thought
stupidly solid
'expertise'
that you can say
who I am
where I do not understand
'myself'

I AM A LOCKED WINDOW
Yet you have never tried
looking at the door

it was open until
you blocked it off
with empty boxes and balloons
and then left them there
and walked away
complaining
about the window being locked

nobody can get in now
thanks a lot, jerk.

the power of music

I think the quote above is so potent. As NZ music month draws to a close, I can't help but write the post on music that I never got around to before. Personally, I don't consider myself a particularly musical person. Compared to all the amazing musicians I know, I'm worse than an amateur.

When I was 10, having just been accepted to St. Cuth's, my mum had this idea that everyone there would be able to play a musical instrument. So, she made me start learning the piano so I wouldn't be disadvantaged when I went there in year 7. I didn't particularly like it at first; I hated the practice... but over time it really grew on me. As the songs I could play got more complex and better sounding, not so juvenile and simple, I began to like it more and more. Over the next 6 years, I had lessons with 3 different teachers and sat a grade 5 music theory exam. I never took any formal performance grades. It came to a point where I no longer had time to invest so much time in piano, so I stopped taking lessons. My once perpetually short nails were left to grow for weeks before I had to cut them, and the piano grew a layer of dust over its cover. But, I still printed sheet music to play around with. If I try to play any of them they are never perfect and I can't be bothered to practise them until they are. That's why when I hear performance pieces played by people at school I'm always so amazed that they can get through the whole thing without making a single mistake. Even when I had lessons and we had concerts, I would always have at least 1 slip up in every performance. Maybe I'm just not suited for playng music?

Apart from the piano, I also own 2 guitars that I play around with sometimes. I have no idea about proper strumming techniques and my fingers are nowhere near calloused or well trained enough to play for long periods of time. Plus my fingers are short so bar chords are really hard for me. But it's nice to have that minor hobby. Being able to play some really basic chords is enough for people to think you know how to play tbh... when I was younger I really wanted to learn the violin as well. There was something attractive to me about its elegance and the serene aura of someone playing it. A lot of my friends played the violin as well, which made me jealous. My mum wanted me to play cello at one point as well, but I thought it was a little big for me at age 10 haha. Hmmm, and lots of people have told me I seem like a flute player. I find flutes very elegant as well haha. Mannn I wish I was more talented.

Leopold Stokowski's quote really does ring true to me though. As an artist, I can relate to painting on a canvas. I can't help but think how much harder it is to paint on silence; painting on a canvas is simply transforming 2 dimensional space. Sculpture even is just a permutation of 3 dimensional space. But music.... being able to manipulate the 4th dimension, time, is amazing. Once you play a note, that note is forever trapped in the past. If it's the wrong note, we can't go back to change it whereas on a canvas we can simply cover it with something else. The whole musical piece is like a painting that can only be experienced over a period of time. However, where in art we can spend hours staring at a work studying all its intricacies, a piece of music is ephemeral and has a fleeting nature that makes it all the more elusive and precious. Music seems to be the only everyday way for us to master 4 dimensions. Listening to a piece of music over time is stirring as we react once and only once to every note, and we react differently when all these notes are strung together. With only 12 notes, music has the power to anger, placate, stir happiness or melancholy. Even with billions of shades of colour, art simply does not have the same power. One is more likely to be moved to tears by a piece of music than a painting. Each time music is played, something is different. The air moves differently, the pluck of a string leaves a different vibration, the feeling invoked is not the same; music is forever changing. Would it not be a miracle to see a painting that changed every time we looked at it?

I'm really inspired by music, even if it is not as big a part of my life as it is of others. Music's beauty in an aural sense intrigues me; to someone who deals with visual aesthetics mainly, the idea of something that can also be 'beautiful' that we cannot see but still detect with our other senses is fascinating. There's just something precious about the untouchable quality of music suspended in time. Each arpeggio, staccato, acciaccatura... once played and heard, disappears into the past, never to be experienced again. Are you listening? Music is transient. Don't just look at the world around you, remember to just stop sometimes and take in all the sounds as well; otherwise, you'll miss that beautiful harmony that will never be played ever again.

if I dated myself...

I wanted to make this blogpost last night when I had nothing to do. OMGGGGG did realise that BLOGSPOT is an anagram of BLOGPOST??? :OOOO I just realised when I typed this holy shit.

anyway, what would your relationship be like if you dated someone just like you...? (in my case, a guy who is like the male version of me).

Hmmm. He would be tall, have a strong jawline and wear glasses :) He would have really hairy arms and hands. He would have comparatively small hands and feet. He would be really weird at times, immature at some times and serious in others. Annoying when bored. Shy sometimes. Gentleman :) He would be deep at times and cbf in others. He would be a total nerd.

We will go through phases of questioning our love for each other and tend to ignore the other person for a while before we miss them and come back. It's fine if these times coincide with each other tbh lol because it's annoying when I'm trying to avoid someone and they keep trying to find me... We'd probably have a lot of conversations about what loving someone really means. But in the end I'd know we feel the same way about each other no matter if it's love or not so it doesn't matter.

But he would always be a total romantic on valentines day.

If we lived together, we could go days without talking to each other. I could come home and see him doing his own thing and I'd say hi and go off and do my own thing. If we had a child it would probably be the most neglected thing ever HAHAHA... Our house would be messy as hell and we'd have to hire a cleaner. We'd watch movies together every time we're bored and feel like it. He likes chick flicks and I like action movies involving hot girls.

We'd critique each other's appearance in our heads but tell the other person they're really good looking :P

If I txted him sometimes he wouldn't reply and I'd get upset and think he's ignoring me. So if he txts me sometimes and I don't reply then he'll get upset and think I'm ignoring him. Or maybe we'd never txt each other since I never really txt anyone but wait for them to txt me... LOL thinking about this is so weird.

I wonder if a relationship with a male me would ever work out lol. It's pretty weird thinking about it, but we seem to complement each other okay? It would be a livable life hahahaha.

In life news, I went to Wellington again last Tuesday for the NZ Top Scholars' prizegiving ceremony, and WOOWWW everyone is soooo smart. I feel so privileged to even be in their presence omg ): must work harder. Came 3rd in the nationals for NZYPT today tho :) found that new ipod shuffle has a crappy design in that the clip can't really be used without accidentally pressing the back button... life is so busy!!!! ): no time to update blog or even to think about something to write about.

I really don't care about the anti-asian stuff in the news lately or w/e, I think the media has sensationalised it further than it's worth, what the guy is trying to say isn't even as a bad as people are thinking, he's also ignorant and is therefore not worth my time nor attention. anyone who lets themselves get seriously angry about this guy is imo just playing into his stupidity, he's just looking for attention. i realise I'm somewhat hypocritical for even including such a paragraph here so I will just stop talking about it now.

In response to people freaking out about 2012

This is my geo schol essay from a few weeks ago, with the endnotes/references taken out. thanks to tian for helping me with the introduction. got a 7/8 for this one :)

like seriously you superstitious people... calm the fuck down.


Critically evaluate the following quote:
“The impact of natural disasters has risen dramatically over the past 20 years.”
Over the past 20 years, the economic, physical and psychological impact of natural disasters has risen dramatically mainly due to the two largest differences between the world now and the world 20 years ago – our population is much greater and our technology far more advanced. Population growth and urbanisation consequently lead to pressure to settle on marginal land and develop more built environments that could be potentially damaged, whereas the development of technology and industry makes us both more at risk and more aware of natural disasters when they occur. Superstitions also to some extent increase the psychological impact of natural disasters on humans more than they did 20 years ago (See fig1)

Fig 1:



The effect of population growth on the growing impact of disasters is evident if the definition of a ‘natural disaster’ is analysed – a disaster is only devastating if it affects humans. Since there are more humans on Earth compared to 20 years ago (in 1990 the world population was around 5.2 billion – in 2010 it was 6.8 billion ), when a natural disaster strikes it is likely to cause more deaths than 20 years ago simply due to the fact that there are more people around. Furthermore, due to the increase in population, humans have had the need to inhabit areas that are perhaps not ideal for living, either due to lack of other spaces or for resources. In the past, the most devastating floods have been on the banks of Yellow River in China (it is speculated that up to 4 million people may have died due to a Yellow River flood in 1931 ), where a lot of people lived for the richness of the soil. In the last 20 years, as economic growth has become a priority of many countries, populations have inclined towards trade routes, especially ports and coasts. San Francisco is such an area as despite the high frequency of earthquakes (thousands each year ); many people live there as it is a primary port for export and import of resources. The impact of natural disasters such as inundations and tsunamis has therefore risen due to the increase in population in these areas that make humans more susceptible to them.

Humans have also relocated themselves into more concentrated city populations (in 1975 about 40% of the world’s population lived in large cities, in 2005 it was 60% ) where economic and industrial growth has created a more built environment that could potentially be damaged. The impact of natural disasters on the economy has thus risen dramatically as there is a need to repair structures such as buildings or bridges that have been damaged as quickly as possible, mainly due to the large population in cities who require residence and transport. Additionally, most people die not directly from the earthquakes themselves but from their effects on the surrounding environment. The co-existence of densely packed structures and the concentrated population in large cities mean that when a natural disaster strikes, it becomes many times more dangerous due to the number of unstable structures.

It is not only development in industry that has increased the impact of natural disasters; major development of technology can also play a big part in increasing the consequent damage of disasters. For instance, the 2011 Japanese tsunami became much more devastating and dangerous due to the presence of nuclear technology ; the threat of radioactive contamination would not have existed had an earthquake occurred in the past.

The nature of communication in the modern world is also much more technologically advanced than in the past. When there is a natural disaster, the news is able to reach many more people than before, in a fraction of the time it used to -- the mental and emotional impact caused by natural disasters has certainly risen dramatically. Over time, most of the Earth’s geographical area has also been mapped out due to the rising population. Where an earthquake could occur without anybody’s knowledge before, it is almost certain now that it will be reported due to people inhabiting most of the world’s land area. Humans have also developed more sensitive seismographic tools and knowledge of the movement of tectonic plates that they did not possess in the past and are far more able to cope with even small scale events. Humans are now even able to predict the likelihood of a natural disaster occurring in the near future (Many disaster warning systems was only implemented in the 1990s ). This means that the number of reported and recorded natural disasters has definitively increased from 20 years ago (see fig. 2, note significant increase in reports of natural disasters in 1990s, direct result of implemented warning systems). Obviously, people can only be affected by disasters that they have knowledge of, thus due to this increase in knowledge of the occurrences of natural disasters, the impact of such natural disasters also must increase.

Fig. 2 :


Natural disasters no longer simply affect those involved as victims, but the global population as a whole. When a natural disaster occurs in another part of the world, it is now expected that more able countries offer their aid – for instance, in response to Hurricane Katrina, nearly 100 other countries donated money, food or medical aid. The media plays a significant role in sensationalising natural disasters, the effect being that many more people not only know about a disaster when it occurs but also have access to images and footage taken of the event. Internet media and discussion boards also fuel this sensationalism as superstitions of the end of the Mayan calendar “2012” apocalypse theory (first widely publicised in 2006 ) arise whenever there is a major natural disaster in the world. The psychological impacts of this are obvious – the ‘official’ site for the 2012 apocalypse has almost 200 000 hits and there was even feature film produced in 2009 . 20 years ago, there was no such superstition, nor did the internet exist to provide a ground for people to discuss their thoughts and fears, so in this regard today natural disasters have far more psychological impact on humans than before.

Evidently, the changes the world has undergone in the last 20 years have contributed to the increased impact of natural disasters on our global population. Due to rising population and urbanisation, there are now a lot more structures and people that can be affected by natural disasters. Furthermore, technological advances have made communication more efficient and the news much more accessible, thus the presence of natural disasters now not only affects the victims but the global population as well. The impact of natural disasters, whether physically, economically or even psychologically on the population of the world has undeniably risen, even if it is questionable whether their frequency or potency has changed or not.