nineteen

Well it's that time of the year again. The time to blow out my candles and make my wish, which is normally the same every year and always comes true. Okay actually it was yesterday and I was going to blog but in the end I didn't cos I was replying to everyone's comments. I didn't expect so many people to comment on facebook this year since I took my birthday off but I guess after 1 person starts the chain there's no escape hahaha. It's very interesting how social networking affects virality. I enjoyed replying to everyone and leaving messages for people who I don't see often :)

I can't remember ever feeling super different following a birthday, but every so often I do self reflections and something in my life seems to change even if it isn't something tangible. A year ago, I had gotten into a new relationship and was thinking about it quite immaturely, nothing had really come together and I was just doing things in the moment. Two years ago, I was really surprised by how many gifts I received from friends -- I remember walking to EGGS for extrav practice and people waiting there with their cards and presents. This year was, in comparison, relatively low key compared to the last two haha. I did not receive many gifts but I was still really surprised by what I did get :O (a pandora ring from Yujie, a swarovski necklace and some money from my aunt and uncle)... then I had dinner with my family and cake as per tradition :) It was an enjoyable day despite the horrible weather.

Compared to a year ago, I guess I have to say I have matured a lot. So many things have changed in the last year, even though turning 18 felt like a day ago. It has been both an extremely eventful and quick year to pass. I feel like there's so much I've learned, yet at the same time I'm not sure if I'd apply the newfound wisdom if the opportunity arose. Maybe that's the next step haha. One foot in front of the other taking one step at a time :)

Maybe I'll post a present haul sometime, after my ring comes in either next week or this week. Had to go get it resized and they had to order a special shipment cos they don't stock rings for small hands like mine ):

3 weeks remaining

In this little world of mine, I wonder what others actually feel about my leaving. I wonder if it will be just another event in their ongoing lives. I wonder if we will stay in touch.

I don't like the prospect of packing. I have to pack my entire room up because we're renovating the house after I leave so I have to move everything out. Going through all my crap is like doing a huge spring clean; there's so much that I never use, but it also seems like a huge waste to throw away. What do I do with it??? When did I accumulate so many useless things? Then there are the sentimental things that I can't stand to throw away even though they no longer have any utility. Every time I clean my room I toy with the idea of starting a scrapbook to put all this stuff in, but I never get around to it. Scrapbooking materials are so expensive, and I don't know if I'd ever be bothered doing it in the long run. So now that it's too late, I throw my old diaries and journals and thoughts and seal them into a cardboard box, unsure of when or whether I'll see them again.

Well, it's not goodbye for long. I will be back in five months. But it's a bit like starting anew. On one hand, I have wanted to start fresh for a long time now. From the start of year 11, when I wanted to transfer to AIC. Then again I have changed a lot from then. I have established a way of living and a comfort zone. Starting again should be interesting. I am excited and scared. I want to try new things, but I don't know if I have the courage to do so. I am afraid to be lonely.

As someone who is only ever lukewarm in excitement levels, I feel somewhat alienated by the high levels of OMG 1 MONTHHHH going around, which makes me think I might be one of the ones to end up depressed and getting counselling because I feel like I'm not making the most of my experience and opportunities, but hopefully that doesn't happen.

Sometimes being trapped inside my head is like arguing with winter. I will protest and use logic -- I will want to grow my frail mustard plants in this plot of soil, but in the end she will still rain and freeze and cast her hurricanes my way and force them to keel over and sink back into the Earth, she will twist my words, cloud my mood and blow cold wind through the holes in my raincoat.

I am sure it will be better once I let things go and jump right into the deep end. It will be spectacular, like falling down a waterfall at the end of the rapids and discovering an idyllic lagoon at the bottom.

Just gotta hack it out for these last 3 weeks.

a letter to nobody

Through grey-tinted windows I survey the landscape beyond my touch
Rushing by so quickly, yet the road continues for miles;
Each moment so temporary, yet feeling the same as the one before.

The brown-black Othello board of cows and horses shivers beneath adipose clouds
Shrouding the flatlands, making them seem more barren than they already were...

I am the tumbleweed moving through a landscape of nothingness.
Without purpose, without direction -- taken where ever the wind blows.

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I will miss you, you know. I think a lot of us are so caught up in our own lives sometimes, and we look around and we see that everyone is struggling along the same path, keeping to themselves. We yearn companionship actually, with those around us, but we think they do not feel the same way.

At least, I hope it is like that. Because I am one of these people, and sometimes I feel so alone. These blank shadows around me, who really cares about me? Who really understands me? An unspoken kind of understanding, which needs no affirmations. A silent friendship that roots itself halfway across the earth and still draws water continents away.

In your case, I wish to let you know how much you actually do mean to me. We have known each other a long time, and life will be very different without you. I can placate myself by reminding myself that I will not be gone for long, but I am still leaving behind this life and trying to start something different. Life is changing. I want you to stay in it.

This section is not about what you think it is about.

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Seven black umbrellas, bobbing up and down as their owners stride past.
Beads of rain roll along their woven yet impenetrable surfaces, drip-drip-dripping onto the sidewalk below
Swallowed by the sewer rats retreating into their homes

Will my tears end up as lacquered raindrops on this umbrella of distance, unable to reach you?

If it were you condensing in this cold weather, I would be the first to lower my umbrella and become cleansed. I would raise my coloured parasol when you return, offer it to you, walk along the flat and seemingly endless road of time with you and keep the sun off your smile.