23 September 2012

The third stage of culture shock


The concept of culture shock was introduced me in the first week of FIP -- Freshman International Pre-orientation when I first came here. Firstly, it hit me as a bit of a misnomer, since I didn't really think there was all that much difference between westernized countries' cultures so I thought it wasn't really something I would have to deal with much. However, after the talk, it made me a wonder a bit. What stage was I in at that time? However, I quickly pushed these thoughts to the back of my head because they weren't relevant in the busy schedule of every day life here.

Now, as I enter into my second month here, I feel the concept has some new meaning for me. I'm not sure if I have grown much wiser in the little time I have spent here, but it certainly feels like it has gone by really quickly. And yet, I am starting to feel at home. It occurred to me this morning that perhaps I am entering into the third stage of culture shock, finally: integration and acceptance into a new home.

Culture shock is the concept of integration into a new environment; it need not be vastly different from the place you come from, I realise now, but it still takes some time to adjust to new surroundings. Apparently there are supposed to be 5 main stages: Honeymoon, disintegration, integration, re-entry shock and re-integration.

Honeymoon describes the initial feelings of excitement when first arriving in a new place. I feel like I didn't experience much of this, partially because I was on edge at the time and emotional from other things happening in my life, but I did feel a certain kind of nervous anxiety vibrating inside my heart as my cousin drove us past MIT and down Mass Ave that day, towards the red brick of my new home for the next four years. I couldn't help thinking back to the first time I visited, 3 years ago now, and what I had been like then. Completely green, no intentions, no ideas, no experience. Stepping into the yard on that first day incited strange feelings. It was like re-entering a place I had been before, but as a different person, 3 years older and 'wiser' and yet just as clueless. I hadn't thought that I would ever revisit when I first came here.

Disintegration describes the time of trying to get used to the new environment, usually unpleasant and can come with feelings of depression and homesickness. I did get this a little during my first one or two weeks here. It's actually been 5 weeks since I arrived here, which puts things in perspective. These feelings died down with time and as I met more people I could connect with. To be perfectly honest though, meeting new people gets very tiring. It is exhausting to have to put with so much small talk from day to day, in addition to learning ten or twenty new names and faces every day, It's even harder when you have nobody to have a real conversation with. Fortunately, I think I met a few people here who I could do that with. And, I took the time to chat with friends back home so that I wouldn't go crazy. But, it made me miss home a lot more when I saw them.

I am not quite sure if I am still in the above stage right now, but it's definitely improved a lot since then. I realized this morning that perhaps I had already begun to transition into the third stage of integration. I was looking at my own Facebook page actually, specifically at the "Currently living in Cambridge, Massachusetts" line. It suddenly hit me that I am in America. I'm not sure where I thought I was before now, because I knew for sure that I wasn't in New Zealand, but maybe my brain had put itself in a position of perpetual transition before now. I realised finally that I am actually here, in the Northern Hemisphere, in Massachusetts. Might not seem like that revolutionary of a realization but for me it was literally mind-blowing. Plus, the thought that I've been here for a month! How crazy is that. This place is starting to feel like home as well. Actually my FIP leaders talked about how quickly people adapt to new situations, and eventually Harvard feels like home, and you don't want to leave anymore.

It's actually a scary thought. When I came here I was looking forward to going home again after 4 months. And yet, there are only 3 months left now, and I honestly have to say that I can't imagine leaving. Settling into a routine made me forget about that life I previously had. What mattered to me now was the daily progressions of action and thought right here in front of me. Home is of course still important to me; when I skype with friends back home I miss them dearly. And yet, not as much as when I first arrived. Another thing my FIP leader talked about back then was that "Harvard changes people". At that time a small part of me knew he was right, but for some reason the bigger part of my consciousness tried to refute it. "I'll never change," I thought, "I don't want to change. I'll never forget about home and the people there. Nothing here would take that away from me." And honestly, now I'm not sure which way to think. Because on one hand, life is different in these two worlds, but they are both part of me now. Yet on the other hand, should I prioritize my past a bit more? I can't possibly forget about home that easily.

Yet I am scared about the 4th stage of culture shock: re-entry shock. I don't know what to expect when I go home again. "Life will be different when you go home. You won't be able to tell exactly what has changed, but it will be different. Harvard changes people, or people back home will have changed without your presence." In some ways I wish this weren't true, but of course life will be different. I'm not sure if I'm still denying it to myself, but I remember when Lucee came back for the first time it was a little bit different. Or even when Jamie, Yunbin and David came back, or even seeing Chen again in Taiwan at the beginning of the year. It was like old times, but there was some small part of us that had changed. I don't know if we became closer or more distant in their absence, but life was not quite the same after our separation. I suppose it might not necessarily be a good or bad thing, just a phenomenon that happens. I wonder how much re-entry shock I will experience. How Americanized can I become in 4 months? Hahahaaha...

I guess it's just a time in my life where I'm very uncertain about the future and the opportunities to pick up here are limitless to the point where you can imagine many amazing scenarios for your life to become yet you cannot pick any of them. What do I love? What do I value? What am I trying to achieve here, why am I here in the first place? These are questions I must answer. For now though, it seems like I am floating around every day following a superficial routine I have created for myself to keep a facade of progress, yet in the end I am just procrastiwaiting for something to change, for the future and its possibilities to come and slap me in the face. You'd think I'd know by now that if you want something, you have to go and get it yourself. ...Actually that's something I did know, but such a method has no meaning if I have no knowledge of what I want, right?

These are the circular thoughts of someone who needs to sleep now. But actually I am not that sad, I apologize if I come off as privately wistful in this blog post. I am actually quite content with life here, I just wonder at times where it is leading. But I think it is good that at least I am starting to be able to call this place Home.

PS. On a semi-sidenote, I started listening to some Blackmill, which I am enjoying very much. A lot of his songs come up on the Ratatat pandora channel, which is where I learned about him from, so if you're into that kinda style of music/soft dubstep/trance electronica you should check his stuff out :)

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