I like to take personality tests when I procrastinate...

http://psychcentral.com/personality-patterns/ TRY IT :)

Discover the top 10 traits out of 90 that uniquely describe you

Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.
You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.

Intellectual

You are thoughtful, rational, and comfortable in the world of ideas. People find you interesting to talk to. You're the living embodiment of the saying "You learn something new every day." In general, those with a high score on the "intellectual" trait are employed in such fields as teaching and research, and are enthusiastic about reading, foreign films, and classical music.
You do not avoid abstract conversation, experimenting with new ideas, or studying new things. It bores you to stick to the straight and narrow of what you already know.

Original

You are constantly coming up with new ideas. For you, the world as it exists is just a jumping-off place; what's going on inside your mind is often more interesting than what's going on outside.
You don't feel that the road to success is to be a realist and stick to the program; you never stop yourself from coming up with new ideas or telling the world what you're thinking about.

Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.
You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.

Innovative

You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.
You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.

Loose

You feel that a clean, orderly desk is the sign of a person who doesn't have enough to do. Schedules and "to do" lists feel stifling; you thrive on a sense that anything goes, and know that the world won't end if you don't clean up after finishing a job.
You don't need to know that everything is in its place; it is not empowering to you to feel that the world around you is neat and organized. Mowing down every item on your "to do" list, every day, does not bring you joy.

Assertive

You behave in a confident and forceful manner, take charge of the situation, raise your hand in class, stand up for what you think is right, and lead others. Among those who have a high score on the "assertive" trait, many have jobs in which they are valued for their organizational skills as well as their talent for supervising others.
You are not interested in fading into the woodwork, leaving everything to fate, taking more time than necessary to accomplish a task, or avoiding confrontation.

Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.
You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.

Optimistic

You are a "glass half-full" kind of person, always on the lookout for the silver lining. Your happiness is contagious, which is why others like to be around you.
You do not feel that the world is an intrinsically depressing place; you are not the kind of "realist" who thinks that only fools find joy in life.

Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.
You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.

just thinking

You know, this morning I woke up feeling like I was in a time loop. It was the weirdest feeling ever. Last night I went to sleep at 9pm and woke up at 7am this morning, which may or may not explain something. Other than that my day was unremarkable, except that I had to do a resubmission for physics which freaked me out because there were so many errors and now I'm not sure if I'll be able to get an E or even an M because I had to doctor my method and results to make everything seem alright (Except he kept the original so it would be pretty obvious that I had doctored stuff, but then again is he allowed to count me down for that because he is supposed to mark the resubmission holistically as if he has never seen the original???) I think I'm rambling.

Anyway I don't think I ever mentioned this but I turned 18 at the end of last month. This made me realise some things about myself: I'm an adult and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

This was amplified when my cousin got married last week to a guy who she met 8 months ago and hasn't even been in the same country with for the majority of said 8 months. She moved to the states 3 weeks ago to live with him, they got engaged at the beginning of last week, and they were married on Friday. From the people I've talked to, it's not just me who thinks that is ridiculously rushed and fast. This scares the bejesus out of me. And since the guy is a family friend who my mum has known since he was little, the chance of divorce is extremely low; my cousin is a very traditional chinese bride and this guy was her first boyfriend even after a bachelors and masters in auckland university engineering. Not saying he's a bad guy, he seems like really good guy for her, and he takes the most amazing photos (link to his flickr)

Wait, what's my point? Well, I realised that I am completely different to her and cannot look to her for guidance. And I have nobody else to look to either, because after her I'm the oldest of my generation in my family. I can't exactly fuck up considering my track record either. It's like climbing a mountain without safety ropes with my bare hands, now I'm far enough from the bottom that when I look down it's scary and if I fell it would be catastrophic, yet when I look up I can't really see the next hand or foothold and there is no observable peak.

When I think about myself sometimes I am disgusted. I know a lot of people think that I am confident in myself and my decisions and thoughts, but actually I'm not. I'm human just like everyone else, and I feel pathetic sometimes when I realise the facade I put on. I wonder if everyone else is the same, or if it's just me putting on such a mask to fit in. I know a lot of people also think that I'm self-righteous and too stubborn for my own good. I think I know that about myself but don't really want to admit it too much because I prefer to keep cool about these kind of things. Maybe if I tell myself that I don't care then I won't care in reality. To some extent I think that's worked, but it still concerns me a bit when I hear about people saying that about me. I know when they say it they don't intend for me to ever really find out so I'm not really blaming them, and actually it annoys me that I'm bothered by it at all.

When I look at my actions sometimes I can't understand them. The other day I was driving to the orthodontist and for some reason I took the wrong turn, even though I know the way. The whole time I was turning, my brain was screaming "you're going the wrong way, where are you going???" but I kept going. It's like when I walked past a 20 dollar note on the ground as well, my brain was screaming PICK IT UP, but I just kept walking. Why? I wish I knew. My body doesn't listen to reason, or maybe my brain is just irrational subconsciously.

Actually words can't fully describe how I feel. Language really limits emotion. I wish I could pour my feelings out of my brain (and heart, although technically it comes from the brain...) and into this blog so you could actually feel a little of what I'm feeling; human emotion is perhaps the most isolated in the world; no matter where you go in the world, whatever you do, whoever you meet, you can't ever reach into them and feel what they are feeling for real. No matter how empathetic you are, you cannot ever be sure what it is that everyone else is feeling. This realisation has ruined so many happy moments for me to be honest. When I'm in a situation when everyone is happy, I sometimes stop to think if everyone is really happy or if some people are pretending. This in turn makes me stop being happy if I was actually happen and start pretending myself.

Mrs L's quote,

«Il ne faut pas avoir peur du bonheur. C'est seulement un bon moment à passer.» ~ Romain Gary

sounds good in theory but it's too hard to control your thoughts and feelings. Even if I wanted to enjoy my moment of happiness, sometimes I can't because I'm thinking too much.

This blogpost is incredibly badly structured and fragmented. I guess that's the state of my mind at the moment. If I look back to my teenage years, I think I can treat everything between 13 and 16 as one chapter and after 16 as another. Maturity wise I think after 16 I've plateaued a bit. I can feel growth coming right now a bit, but that's something I can reflect on in another 6 years. I actually can't remember 13-16 very clearly, but every now and again very strong memories come back and it's like I've been hit over the head and can't believe I didn't think of that memory before. It's very odd. Is it that nothing from those years were significant enough to me? I don't get it. Some things definitely shaped who I am today, so why can't I remember them?

I'm 18 and I still don't understand myself fully. When will it be before I know what I am? Even if I seem sure of myself to others I can't lie to myself. And even then, some other people see through me easily. Maybe when I'm 25...

No I won't be bothered to reorganise this post. It will be incredibly uncomfortable for someone trying to read it but whatever it's my blog I do what I want.

pot luck #4

It's been a long time since I've updated properly and there's been a lot of stuff that's happened that I wanna talk about and blog about but just didn't get the time/motivation to actually do it, so I guess this is gonna be a pot luck post.

for any new readers of my blog POT LUCK is the series of random posts I do from time to time with little things that I think of that aren't big enough to warrant their own posts, + anything else random that may come up at the time.

Well firstly, last night was grammar ball :) I had a pretty good time, although time seemed to go by quite fast and I can't even remember what I actually did to pass so much time because we weren't dancing for long lol... slept at 9.30 this morning, woke up at 1.30 in the afternoon. ughhh so fucked. almost lost all of my voice, sore throat, blocked nose..... omg so sick ):

hehehe love you yujie.

I have also recently learnt a lot about people? or something like that. Anyway on Friday morning I was reading an old email from an old friend and it made me realise something -- the odd thing is, I'm not exactly sure what I realised, but it made me feel good. Then more recently I was just thinking and I realised some more things, of which I am also not sure of the specifics. I guess it's like, thinking about why people do the things they do, and how their emotions really do dictate their actions. But then, many people hide their feelings really well. I'm someone who wants to know what people are thinking, and most of the time I think I can get pretty close on the superficial level, but for the deeper emotions it's harder to understand; there are lots of people I see where I just can't get what's happening in their heads when they do the things they do. It may be to do with a lack of consistency (but all humans exhibit all actions to some extent anyway), but I'm starting to question whether on the fundamental level everyone is the same.

I'm just going to take the example of sexual attraction here. When you're little, you tend to like 1 person and tease them or however primary school kids show that they like someone else. When people find out, they will tease you about that person all the time. But sexual attraction is not limited to 1 person at a time; it's more common that you will like more than one person at once. This I know is universal. But what differs from person to person is what they choose to do with these separate attractions I think... that's what I find interesting to observe. You get the players that just try to go for everything they want at once, or those who choose to ignore some of their attractions and just go for the one they like the most (although sometimes this isn't possible because you can't choose), or those who keep oscillating or those who decide to not do anything at all. Actually I'm not sure if many people even realise that they subconsciously are attracted to so many people... well I for one am willing to admit it at least :/

Another reason I find this point interesting is the question of what's worse -- cheating emotionally vs cheating physically. Personally I think that cheating emotionally is 'worse' in the sense that it hurts more, but I also find it more understandable, because it's natural to like someone else and you can't really control your emotions, and if you cheat physically it's like you don't respect the other person enough to actively go out of your way to cheat on them, so that's 'worse' in the sense that the person who does it is a douche. actually after I asked this question on formspring, most people didn't give a definitive answer because both are bad. interesting.

And that also made me question, what makes people like people more and more? Something I still haven't answered. But if feelings are so ubiquitous and spontaneous as they seem, then maybe nothing means anything. But I'm sure that some people's feelings must be stronger than that... deep love must have some kind of foundation... mmmm well I'm currently falling in love with a certain amazing guy (: and I'm finding as time goes on the more I forget about the instinctive attractions... so i'd like to know that there's some meaning in that at least.

and wow it's been like 2 hours and I still haven't written that much hahahaha fail... keep getting distracted by msn facebook and google+ and testing chen's program for photo uploading onto it. it actually works pretty well, chen's amazing.

did you guys ever realise that the economy is restaurant city is retarded? there's a barter system where every ingredient is apparently worth the same amount (eg. water is the worth the same as lobster)which is like, 4000-7000 bucks on the ingredient market, apparently the same cost as half a roof and several tables and chairs. then again, dishes last infinite time so you could say a lifetime's supply of those ingredients would be on average 10x4000=40000 gold (levelling the dish to level 10) -- but each dish sold is only worth 2 gold, so that means a lifetime's supply of ingredients = 40000/2 = 20000 = 20000 dishes must be sold to earn back what you spent on that dish. HOWEVER, I guess it's true that you do get a free ingredient every day... which also makes no sense because in life nothing is free apart from the air we breathe :/ I also can't believe that a table is worth 1200 gold in this game. that's 600x more expensive than a dish of food. I mean the average meal I eat is 10 bucks, so that's like saying a table should be worth 600x10=6000 dollars in real life. NOOO WAYYY..... ok rant over lol, this game's economy makes no sense.

watch this!!!! it's so cool :)

I feel artsy.

He used his voodoo magic

and slashed open her ribcage

passion waterfalling

arrhythmia growing

drinking the life elixir

until it is barren and hard as diamond

He is the surgeon

who stitched her back

each pinprick pierce perfectly positioned

yet uncomfortable, unnatural

closing a gorge that had grown for centuries

The rivers are refilling now

diamonds softening, drought ending

But when she bleeds

Is it from an old open wound

Or from the needle that digs into her skin?