unfinalised fantasies

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So today I logged into msn and saw one of my contacts listening to "suteki da ne" from final fantasy x. I actually thought wow, it's been ages since I've listened to that. So I went on youtube and youtubed it... and boom nostalgia.


Some backstory. Around about year 5, I went through this obsession with final fantasy. It was around the same time that x-2 came out. the funny thing is, despite this obsession, I never actually played it. The only ff game I have ever played is the original ff7, which I didn't actually play until about 2 years ago & I have not even finished. It's really strange that something that didn't really take up a huge part of my life can affect me so much, isn't it? At that time I knew all the main characters' names from VII to X, listened to the songs and at some point even started conversing to another friend who was as obsessed as me in Al Bhed. I drew a lot of fanart and read a lot of fanfiction... I remember distinctly going into EB games once and seeing the release manual for X-2 and wanting it so badly...



Wtf was wrong with me you ask? I don't know. I just remember it was somehow a big part of my life at some point. And watching that video just brought back all the memories and I felt something in my heart. I was watching it and thinking how most people have never heard of it. How most people will see it as just another video game. I wonder if playing it would have done that for me too? Final Fantasy is so much more than just that for me though. It represents a part of my childhood and is just special to me, for no particular reason or another that I can remember, even though I never even played it. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it means more to me than to people who have actually had it take up more of their lives.

And actually it's not just this song. It seems that most FF songs, whether it be instrumental or sung, just have that effect on me. They're just heartbreakingly beautiful. I really don't know any other way to describe them. I'm serious, my heart actually hurts when I listen to them. I never had this experience with feeling so strongly when listening to any piece of music before.


There is just some kind of ethereal quality to them. I remember at that time when I was obsessed with it it was just taking over my life. I don't remember it clearly either, which is maybe why it seems to be such a big deal in my head. If I think about it now, it's totally illogical. Life is set in reality, not in a video game. What made it so powerful for me? Perhaps my then still idealistic visions of life and love? Is that part of me still buried somewhere deep deep inside? Regardless, watching that video and listening to that song that is so sweetly familiar and yet so distant... my past was still able to brush against my heartstrings.

It's not often that I'm hit with a wave of nostalgia strong enough too feel like the wall of ignorance fell over my head. And I just find it somewhat interesting that it's this of all things, which was never a formal part of my life at all that had this effect. Like in its own story where in a last ditch effort to save their company, Square Enix poured all their resources into a game that would be their 'final fantasy' (and it was wildly successful and has spawned to this day over 12 sequels), the fantasy I had in my youth is seeming to go on after being pretty much forgotten for all these years. Despite how much I've grown and 'matured' (if you can consider it that?), something as simplistic as this video game that I have never even played can make me experience something so amazing.... the fantasy is obviously not over.

But then, perhaps it ought to stay that way? We all still need a little bit of idealism in our lives.


SO PRETTTYYYYY.......... square enix is amazing ):

the paradox of my meaningless life

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There's just something about my life (perhaps not my life exclusively, a lot of people probably feel this way) that makes me think there's some kind of weird out-of-balance thing going on. On one hand, I'm as busy as ever, I can think of soooo much stuff I need to do in the near future, as well as worrying about the long term future and uni and all that, but on the other hand nothing seems to be happening and I spend the majority of my evenings relaxed and doing nothing and realising the next day that I actually have heaps of stuff to do. I have a stack of books on my bedside table that I tell myself that I don't have time to read yet, but I spend the majority of my time at home doing unproductive things like facebook, msn and blogging.


I often get these moments of 'clarity' when I just mentally step back from whatever I'm doing, pause and time seems to stop for a while and I take in what I'm doing, and I feel like I can feel the entire world around me, and I can FEEL the solidity of the ground and walls and the air beyond them. I don't know why they come, but they do, just randomly, and it's those moments I feel the most alive kind of. Most of the time I feel like something's clouding over my mind, as if I'm just in a dream. Perhaps that's why my memories seem to be clearer than actual events as they are happening. Often I will think back to even what happened a few moments ago and think, "did that really happen? Can't believe that happened so quickly..." I want to live in the present so badly but it just doesn't happen like that. Is that what it's like for everyone? Or just weird people like me? It's frustrating to feel like you missed out on half the experience cos you weren't thinking about at the time.

We all want meaning in our lives to some degree I think. Meaning in what we do, but how often do we think about the reality of what that even... means??? (totally unintentional pun there but hahahahaa) At this time when it seems the only time I ever talk to mum is when she's talking to me about university, I'm forced to wonder... if I do X, will I be happy? Or would it be better to go and do Y? Or maybe it will make no difference? Would I eventually end up doing what i want to regardless of what I do in uni? Is that a direction that I just have to direct myself towards? It's so hard to answer these questions when I don't even know where I want to end up. How can we start a journey if we don't know where we want to be at the end of it?! Life in today's society is not like a backpackers voyage..

Lack of long term motivation's always been my problem. Ever since I was old enough to start thinking independently... I'd always ask myself, WHY am I doing this? What do I even want? I don't know!!!!! I'm so jealous of those people who have extreme passion for what they want to do. Anything goes with me. I have no extreme convictions or preferences. They just come and go, and I can't trust something like that... What do I do... I like things, yes. But I don't like anything especially, or enough, to pursue it without thinking about anything else. I'm too accepting. I'm too adaptive. Normally it would be a good trait but in this situation, given the luxury of choice... I really don't know what to do with it. I should just be creative and make it work somehow. But creativity operates best when there's no pressure. When I feel like everyone's on my back, how can I work my creativity?

It's honestly everywhere. Even at speed dating, most people were asking what my plans are for last year. It's completely inescapable, and I feel like eventually I'm going to be backed into a corner and suffocated with an ultimatum of choice. Having this thought always plaguing the back of my mind, I still have a billion other things I have to do in the short term... it's really paralyzing. Maybe that's the reason I never get anything done. When I have too much to do or think about... I just want to escape to hedonism and ignore all my problems and just get high on the more ephemeral kind of happiness....

It's not like I'm depressed or anything though. I go through most days with a stark neutrality, like I'm just trying to get on with it and get through unscathed. Survive. But I don't want to do that... obviously I want to be actually motivated and know what I'm doing. I guess I'm a go with the flow kind of person. Perhaps too much, to the point where I go with the flow so trustingly that I can shut my eyes and let the current take me where ever it wants. I don't want to make my own choices, especially about big things like this. The luxury of choice is really a curse...

Don't know what to do. Like I'm stuck in the middle of a vast still lake, with no current to carry me along, sitting in a sinking boat with oars that are too heavy to lift.



The best boat by Mossan

So like I haven't updated in ages...

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What's been going in in my life you wonder? WELLL..... as you know, Blanche came over so we've been going to all sorts of cool touristy places... it's weird cos you never really visit these places when you live in the city. It's like how when I was in Paris her dad told me he hasn't visited the louvre in like 15 years haha. People really think that there's nothing to do in NZ but I learnt in this last month that there's actually heaps to do if you're a tourist lol...



rotorua/taupo trip :) I'M A BLACK SWANNNN



we went to the zoo :)




and to kelly tarltons~~ i never realised that stingrays are actually kinda cute haha but we watched the lady feed them and the way she talked about them made them seem really cute~~



AND I GOT MY BRACES OFF :)


And then today we went to waiheke :D

And yesterday I had my final MAX exam, which went terribly, I don't even wanna.. =__= just wait for results to come out eh... definitely not an A+ ugh. In a way I feel like I should have invested more time in it, but.... it's kinda hard with my hectic life hahahahaha. now that MAX has ended I have more time to invest in the ball I guess @@

Went to see XMEN first class last week, IT WAS GOOD and it made me fall slightly in love with james mcavoy *___* I mean just look at him :)


I've started using tumblr a lot more as well due to procrastinatory habits (yes I did just make up an adjective form of "procrastination")

Also I am currently in love with this song :)



Aaaaand, we went back to the chinese restaurant from the previous post and the same waitress was a lot more cheerful this time around and it made me smile :)

dear lady waitress

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dear lady waitress,
why do you look so sad?
your wrinkles like deep roots
clinging onto your face
growing into diamonds
in the corners of your
downwards-draping eyes

the only colour I see
is in your mass-produced
green
woven uniform
clashing with the rosiness
of a little inverse crescent moon
glowing disdain onto the world

yet the sleekness of your hair
and the elegance of your hands
give you away;
you are not a sad lady, waitress
still in the morning of your life
although it is dark outside
and we dine around you
as you invisibly bring us our peking duck
with such sadness in your eyes

I can see past it, waitress;
yet I wonder why
you don't smile?

-----------

inspired by a waitress at dinner 2 nights ago

winter!

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It's the 1st of June today. Finally winter has arrived for 2011 ... despite all the freezing cold days we had in the middle of autumn the first day of winter wasn't so bad. The sky is blue outside, and it was pretty warm because of the sun. Today was a pretty nice day.

Hmmm what's on my mind? It's the middle of exams. Just wanna get through this week....

Some good things happen in my life, and some bad (?) things happen in my life too. Pretty neutral right now, so it's good haha. I think I can keep this up. Actually it's pretty interesting, when I was writing my english essay today in my exam it made me think of my own life lol.... this caused my Lear essay to come out really circular and pedantic in places and I didn't really like it but oh well :/ that's what you get for not planning properly???

Actually this year is really short. We only get 3 terms, and this term is split in half cos of exams, and next term we have exams too... I think graduation is gonna creep up on us really quickly. I don't really know if I want to graduate though. I'm probably gonna cry ): Growing up is so hard....

hummmm I guess I'm just in a very random floaty mood today? I was pretty tired in my physics exam, couldn't be bothered... like the paper just seemed sooooo long.


Very true I think.

"You can't change your situation. The only thing you can change is the way you deal with it.” ~50/50 Trailer


Yeah there's your wisdom from me today :) Gonna go see 50/50 when it comes out hahaha... in like... a year probably lol.

Oh well. Here's hoping this year's winter will be a good one. :)

[EDIT]
7.43pm.
Actually you know what, I just went back through some of my old entries, and I was so INSPIRED. Like actually. I don't know how I came up with all that crap to write back then, but I did. And also it annoys me because due to some editting errors huge chunks of some entries are missing now and it pisses me off cos it's like part of my life got deleted.

I don't have to talk about anything particularly philosophical or thought provoking to blog. I never did. Some people say I've changed a lot but actually if I go back to the inner workings of my mind back then I haven't changed that much at all. Except maybe now I'm less creative and have less to say, and stuff just doesn't flow as well when they come out of my brain into my fingers and onto the keyboard.

Back then I was not restricted by secrets, or not wanting people to know about me. I wasn't someone who had secrets. I had nothing to hide. I wish so badly that I was like that again... these days every 2nd thing I say I feel like someone's judging me. WHY? Is it that society was always like that and I was just blissfully ignorant or is it just that as we grow up people's mentality actually goes backwards in maturity? I just don't understand!!!!!


I know not what to make
of your
half thought
stupidly solid
'expertise'
that you can say
who I am
where I do not understand
'myself'

I AM A LOCKED WINDOW
Yet you have never tried
looking at the door

it was open until
you blocked it off
with empty boxes and balloons
and then left them there
and walked away
complaining
about the window being locked

nobody can get in now
thanks a lot, jerk.