29 January 2010

i'm so bored

so yujie and steph suggested that I blog, but I cbs because then I actually have to think and type, and it's really hot and my computer is giving off heat atm (exothermic!) so my wrists are getting hot ):

yujie suggested that I reflect on these holidays. what have I accomplished?
1) sat my SATs on a SATurday (I'm lame, sue me)
2) broke up with will
3) pulled the first all nighter in my life, was completely out of it for ensuing days
4) got drunk, apparently (I beg to differ but majority rules)
5) was sad, happy, pissed off, stressed out... a lot of mood swings basically
6) covered some of the calculus course with kim :]
7) watched a lot of movies
8) had a primary school reunion, that was pretty fun
9) went out a LOT
10) had lots of FUN! :] and ready to start school again

ummm okay I guess I can elaborate? or something =__=
1) they were alright, not good not bad, I get my results back on feb 11th, the same day I have my next orthodontist appointment actually. the wires are starting to go into my cheek now =__= it's really annoying... I want my surgery already, I can't bite stuff with my incisors properly anymore ): okay wow off on a tangent. actually sunnii roh was sitting in front of me in the SAT, and it was in a lecture theatre so she was like BELOW me as well, so I could see her paper clear as day hahahaaha, but ofc they shuffled the sections so everyone had them in a dif order so I couldn't take advantage of that =P mannn that also means the average also got pulled up ==; not anticipating good results

2) speaks for itself. i'm totally over it i think. we're alllg I think. I'm pretty over relationships eh? feels good to be single again :] I can finally notice how hot guys are without feeling guilty again :]

3) yeah I was so out of it for the next few days... like sleeping 10 hours a night and stuff and feeling dead the whole day hahaha. but yea pulling allnighter isn't anything special, something to be avoided tbh. I don't understand the people who do it on will... I much prefer sleep >>

4) I resent this, was not drunk. anyway I calculated and 1/4 cup baileys is actually over 1 standard drink... but at the same time I won't deny that I'm a crap drinker haha

5) lonnng storryyy =___= I'm okay now (for the time being). well I certainly feel less alone anyway :] thanks to the support of many of my friends. I think I really learnt recently who I should go to for comfort and who to not bother talking to cuz they just make me feel worse...

6) We did quite a lot actually... well in most cases we got up to M questions and some E, and we didn't end up finishing integration (I'll look over it this weekend :]) but I've got a pretty good idea of what to expect in calc this year. as for schol.... yea I'm gonna die

7) well, I saw the vintner's luck, zombieland, 2012, new moon, this is it, avatar, sherlock holmes, the lovely bones in cinema... that's like... 90$ worth of tickets at least... x.x now I know where all my money went

8) it was fun assss~~~ it was so hot, we had ice fights and water fights hahaa and played touch for like 10 mins before just dying cuz of the heat... and we sent daniel off to get pizza and it took him like an hour (apparently he 'had to run some errands') all the teachers were having a meeting there too so we had some very short lived awkward convos with him hahaha. the oldest teacher there is 75 now! and still not retired @_@ we saw her driving away in the afternoon after the meeting... wtf in such good shape haha.

9) well yeah... I did. lemme check the stats... 32 days out of the house out of a possible 49... yes that's quite a lot lol >___<

10) YEA MAN IM TOTALLY READY FOR SCHOOL TO START ALREADY. holidays are dragging out a bit tbh. I wish I could just skip over these last days and add them onto my next holiday hahaha. if school started sooner the next holidays would start sooner too... here's hoping everyone had an awesome summer and is ready to start school again :] see you all back on wed!

25 January 2010

updated.

I've been meaning to update for ages but never found the time, and I actually want to but I cbs right now and it's getting late and I'm tired, so I might update tomorrow morning when im not feeling so shit aye... look forward to it I guess =/

EDIT tues morning:
okay I lied, I forgot I was going out today so I'll update when I get back XD Seems like I'm procrastinatinggggg

EDIT tues evening:
mehhh. I was feeling pretty crap before. It seems like a lot of my close friends are just closer to other people now and i've been left behind =/ how ironic that the one with lots of friends isn't close to any of them... I talked to a few people, one of them gave me practical advice but did nothing for my emotions, and the other one directed me to starcraft 2 demos and assured me that he feels the same sometimes too, and that actually made me feel a lot better than real advice =_=

maybe it's all in my head, but I often feel like im not good enough for a lot of people. like im not smart enough, or pretty enough, or fun enough. lately I often feel as if I'm invisible, since I'm not really close to anyone and they have their own friends and inside jokes etc. it's true that it's hard to talk to a stranger when his best friend is with him. I guess other people are just better than me =/

I guess I sound like someone complaining about her life and I should really just stop whining and just go get friendly with people but I'm tired of just sitting back and taking everything. I'm allowed to whine sometimes too TT

WHAT IS THIS UNOVERCOMEABLE DESIRE TO BE LOVED
what's wrong with me

fml. gonna watch some more SC2 demos and listen to owl city. wish school would start already to give me some distraction to this shit

08 January 2010

the afterlife


According to the dream I had last night, spirits that get sent up to the afterlife must have a density that is less than the density of clouds. I distinctly remembering at one point that I bounced off a cloud. The 'kingdom' up there resembles the forbidden city, and the ruler there is referred to by everyone as the King of Kronzel (BLACKBIRD, anyone? XD maybe an obsession seeped too far into my subconscious). He was dressed in ancient chinese emperor attire, with fancy hat and all. One of the king's well... apprentices? pageboys? was called Tobias. He was very mature for his age of 12. He was the only one who wasn't dressed weirdly, now that I think back... Just a white singlet and I dunno what pants he was wearing... WAS he wearing pants? I can't remember if he had legs. For some reason I thought he was my cousin who had died after I did o_o Humans still look like humans, except we have whispy smoky 'tails' as ghosts do (lolol I have such cartoonish dreams..)

One layer of clouds below the 'kingdom' (since we know that there are many layers of clouds, as one can observe when they go on a plane), there's a gatekeeper of sorts who determines who is meant to stay up in the kingdom and who's meant to go down to earth for a while (don't know why, maybe haunting duties hahahahaha). He's a dick. He actually PUSHED me off his cloud and out of his house so I fell all the way down to earth. I felt like an asteroid. For some reason though I KEPT FALLING, THROUGH THE EARTH AND OUT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE INNER CORE, and eventually ended up in the kingdom again haha. There are soldiers up there as well, I distinctly remember asking 2 young men for directions to the king's house. They were dressed like knights from the internet MMORPG ragnarok online and actually had legs.

Life was peaceful up there, I remember thinking just before I woke up that now I didn't have to be afraid of death, since I understood how wonderful and calm the afterlife is. What an empowering dream :] I wouldn't mind living in that afterlife.

EDIT: OH GOD I just realised how suicidal that last paragraph sounds HAHAHHAAHAH XD dw dw I will live my life to the fullest and THEN maybe enjoy this afterlife hahahah

06 January 2010

I never expected it to hurt this much. I feel like it's only going to get worse for a while. But I have to tell myself that this decision was for the best. I'm sure that if I keep pushing forwards I'll come out of the raincloud and meet the rainbow at some point.

I don't know if I'm feeling regret or if it's just straight pain from a hard decision. I accept that things can never go back to how they were, or at least not for a while.

I realise that what we had was beautiful, and could have become even more beautiful, but I just ruined it because I'm a coward and seem to be afraid of beautiful things.

I do feel better being able to spill my feelings out like this, because my eyes are really tired from crying.

Hopefully we can both get over this eventually.

I'm not sorry.