i'm so bored

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so yujie and steph suggested that I blog, but I cbs because then I actually have to think and type, and it's really hot and my computer is giving off heat atm (exothermic!) so my wrists are getting hot ):


yujie suggested that I reflect on these holidays. what have I accomplished?
1) sat my SATs on a SATurday (I'm lame, sue me)
2) broke up with will
3) pulled the first all nighter in my life, was completely out of it for ensuing days
4) got drunk, apparently (I beg to differ but majority rules)
5) was sad, happy, pissed off, stressed out... a lot of mood swings basically
6) covered some of the calculus course with kim :]
7) watched a lot of movies
8) had a primary school reunion, that was pretty fun
9) went out a LOT
10) had lots of FUN! :] and ready to start school again

ummm okay I guess I can elaborate? or something =__=
1) they were alright, not good not bad, I get my results back on feb 11th, the same day I have my next orthodontist appointment actually. the wires are starting to go into my cheek now =__= it's really annoying... I want my surgery already, I can't bite stuff with my incisors properly anymore ): okay wow off on a tangent. actually sunnii roh was sitting in front of me in the SAT, and it was in a lecture theatre so she was like BELOW me as well, so I could see her paper clear as day hahahaaha, but ofc they shuffled the sections so everyone had them in a dif order so I couldn't take advantage of that =P mannn that also means the average also got pulled up ==; not anticipating good results

2) speaks for itself. i'm totally over it i think. we're alllg I think. I'm pretty over relationships eh? feels good to be single again :] I can finally notice how hot guys are without feeling guilty again :]

3) yeah I was so out of it for the next few days... like sleeping 10 hours a night and stuff and feeling dead the whole day hahaha. but yea pulling allnighter isn't anything special, something to be avoided tbh. I don't understand the people who do it on will... I much prefer sleep >>

4) I resent this, was not drunk. anyway I calculated and 1/4 cup baileys is actually over 1 standard drink... but at the same time I won't deny that I'm a crap drinker haha

5) lonnng storryyy =___= I'm okay now (for the time being). well I certainly feel less alone anyway :] thanks to the support of many of my friends. I think I really learnt recently who I should go to for comfort and who to not bother talking to cuz they just make me feel worse...

6) We did quite a lot actually... well in most cases we got up to M questions and some E, and we didn't end up finishing integration (I'll look over it this weekend :]) but I've got a pretty good idea of what to expect in calc this year. as for schol.... yea I'm gonna die

7) well, I saw the vintner's luck, zombieland, 2012, new moon, this is it, avatar, sherlock holmes, the lovely bones in cinema... that's like... 90$ worth of tickets at least... x.x now I know where all my money went

8) it was fun assss~~~ it was so hot, we had ice fights and water fights hahaa and played touch for like 10 mins before just dying cuz of the heat... and we sent daniel off to get pizza and it took him like an hour (apparently he 'had to run some errands') all the teachers were having a meeting there too so we had some very short lived awkward convos with him hahaha. the oldest teacher there is 75 now! and still not retired @_@ we saw her driving away in the afternoon after the meeting... wtf in such good shape haha.

9) well yeah... I did. lemme check the stats... 32 days out of the house out of a possible 49... yes that's quite a lot lol >___<

10) YEA MAN IM TOTALLY READY FOR SCHOOL TO START ALREADY. holidays are dragging out a bit tbh. I wish I could just skip over these last days and add them onto my next holiday hahaha. if school started sooner the next holidays would start sooner too... here's hoping everyone had an awesome summer and is ready to start school again :] see you all back on wed!

updated.

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I've been meaning to update for ages but never found the time, and I actually want to but I cbs right now and it's getting late and I'm tired, so I might update tomorrow morning when im not feeling so shit aye... look forward to it I guess =/


EDIT tues morning:
okay I lied, I forgot I was going out today so I'll update when I get back XD Seems like I'm procrastinatinggggg

EDIT tues evening:
mehhh. I was feeling pretty crap before. It seems like a lot of my close friends are just closer to other people now and i've been left behind =/ how ironic that the one with lots of friends isn't close to any of them... I talked to a few people, one of them gave me practical advice but did nothing for my emotions, and the other one directed me to starcraft 2 demos and assured me that he feels the same sometimes too, and that actually made me feel a lot better than real advice =_=

maybe it's all in my head, but I often feel like im not good enough for a lot of people. like im not smart enough, or pretty enough, or fun enough. lately I often feel as if I'm invisible, since I'm not really close to anyone and they have their own friends and inside jokes etc. it's true that it's hard to talk to a stranger when his best friend is with him. I guess other people are just better than me =/

I guess I sound like someone complaining about her life and I should really just stop whining and just go get friendly with people but I'm tired of just sitting back and taking everything. I'm allowed to whine sometimes too TT

WHAT IS THIS UNOVERCOMEABLE DESIRE TO BE LOVED
what's wrong with me

fml. gonna watch some more SC2 demos and listen to owl city. wish school would start already to give me some distraction to this shit

the afterlife

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According to the dream I had last night, spirits that get sent up to the afterlife must have a density that is less than the density of clouds. I distinctly remembering at one point that I bounced off a cloud. The 'kingdom' up there resembles the forbidden city, and the ruler there is referred to by everyone as the King of Kronzel (BLACKBIRD, anyone? XD maybe an obsession seeped too far into my subconscious). He was dressed in ancient chinese emperor attire, with fancy hat and all. One of the king's well... apprentices? pageboys? was called Tobias. He was very mature for his age of 12. He was the only one who wasn't dressed weirdly, now that I think back... Just a white singlet and I dunno what pants he was wearing... WAS he wearing pants? I can't remember if he had legs. For some reason I thought he was my cousin who had died after I did o_o Humans still look like humans, except we have whispy smoky 'tails' as ghosts do (lolol I have such cartoonish dreams..)


One layer of clouds below the 'kingdom' (since we know that there are many layers of clouds, as one can observe when they go on a plane), there's a gatekeeper of sorts who determines who is meant to stay up in the kingdom and who's meant to go down to earth for a while (don't know why, maybe haunting duties hahahahaha). He's a dick. He actually PUSHED me off his cloud and out of his house so I fell all the way down to earth. I felt like an asteroid. For some reason though I KEPT FALLING, THROUGH THE EARTH AND OUT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE INNER CORE, and eventually ended up in the kingdom again haha. There are soldiers up there as well, I distinctly remember asking 2 young men for directions to the king's house. They were dressed like knights from the internet MMORPG ragnarok online and actually had legs.

Life was peaceful up there, I remember thinking just before I woke up that now I didn't have to be afraid of death, since I understood how wonderful and calm the afterlife is. What an empowering dream :] I wouldn't mind living in that afterlife.

EDIT: OH GOD I just realised how suicidal that last paragraph sounds HAHAHHAAHAH XD dw dw I will live my life to the fullest and THEN maybe enjoy this afterlife hahahah

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I never expected it to hurt this much. I feel like it's only going to get worse for a while. But I have to tell myself that this decision was for the best. I'm sure that if I keep pushing forwards I'll come out of the raincloud and meet the rainbow at some point.


I don't know if I'm feeling regret or if it's just straight pain from a hard decision. I accept that things can never go back to how they were, or at least not for a while.

I realise that what we had was beautiful, and could have become even more beautiful, but I just ruined it because I'm a coward and seem to be afraid of beautiful things.

I do feel better being able to spill my feelings out like this, because my eyes are really tired from crying.

Hopefully we can both get over this eventually.

I'm not sorry.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010

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TWENTY-TEN (not two thousand and ten, or two zero one zero, or two zero ten, or any of that retarded long winded crap) has arrived at last!!!

I have not slept for 37 hours starting from 7am Thursday 31st December 2009.

Woke up at 7am due to my crap old sony ericsson's alarm, and had to get to the bbq area in cornwall park at 9am to 'hog bbqs' with chen. I guess David didn't anticipate that everyone would want to use the gas bbqs and we were left with 5 free bbqs all to ourselves. During waiting, Chen and I witnessed a white guy drive his car into the parking lot, get out, look around conspicuously and then TAKE HALF THE FIREWOOD FROM ONE OF THE BBQS LOL. After loading it all into his boot, he just gets back in his car and drives away. Chen's thoughts: "That was SO ASIAN. and the guy was WHITE!?!?!!?"

mm, well when people finally arrived we had a bbq of course, took ages just to get the fire ready and had to go around finding something to start the fire ("a flint..?" "wait wtf. it's called a splint chen.") and had to go around and find an AXE... jono showed up in his like nissan 300ZX super decked out with huge speakers that u can see vibrate in the back and removable sunroofs, and we used that to annoy the hell out of everyone else in the park hahaha (which included, as we later found out, some of yujie's family friends). it was okay, the food was good, and after eating food there was a nissan march with a shark fin which was a kelly tarlton's car that pulled up in the lot and gave everyone free like... hat things? lmao, and u fold them around and one side is a shark and one side is a penguin. I was a penguin. kim was a shark. =P

jono's friends showed up in this beautiful nissan skyline. it was like. so shiny |: I only remember the driver was some buff asian dude in a tight yellow tshirt. I didn't care so much for him as his car omfggggg .... And then we did some random stuff cuz we got bored such as play a fail capture the flag, and then jeremy and david stuck yunbin's phone into a tree on the lower branch, and we all managed to convince him that it was up high, and he was looking up the entire time...
"SEE THAT LEAF? IT'S LIKE. RIGHT NEXT TO IT."
yunbin: "WHAT LEAF?!?!?!!"
"...you know, that green one!"

umm, that turned into just sitting in circles and talking, which resulted in games of snap and pulse hahaha. and then we just decided to leave~ The weather was beautifulllll, but it was a little cold.

After arriving at jamie's, I went to watch them practise with their band, ended up holding up davids folder and turning pages for him while he played his flute lol. they sounded really good! esp chen's singing, very impressive :] then they just gave up and chen started making dinner, and we all went down to the flat where gabby was embarrassed by her ex in the ags chronicle or something lol... I don't know, but there was a big chase during which jamie's yearbook was dented =P not to mention rose had drawn all over it in pen to label specific people... we had dinner, which was v nice. ty to chen and jamie's awesome parents :]

at 9.30pm, david set free the lantern that he worked so hard onn~~ and I helped with the calligraphy haha ^^ it was a surprise and it was good that it actually went up a bit, even if it fell down into the neighbour's house after it rose... it's okay, we got a few pictures and the neighbour's house was not set on fire. that's good enough I reckon. you can't think of it like your wishes going up and then crashing back down, you have to think of it like, you're sending your wishes up and the heavens are giving them back to you, ie. they will be granted :]


So, let's take a break in narration here to do some New Year's Resolutions!!
2009 resolutions:
1) stop slacking when it comes to your education - KIND OF. I have started studying for the SATs and am taking calc tutorials every monday with kim...
2) don't get distracted by stupid things - ??? still do this all the time =/
3) try new things - signed up for dragon boating next year, did debating & mediation
4) get better at old things - got better at badminton. (then got worse, but let's not go there)
5) take risks - TAKING ART AND NCEA. MIGHT NOT GET INTO AMERICAN UNI. D:
6) make new friends - lots and lots!!! tick ^^
7) get to know old acquaintances - same here~~~ tick
8) get hardout. im serious |: no more playing around, tiem to get serial about life. - ....I actually think I got more lax about life ):

So, this years NYRS???:
1) Do well on your SATs. I expect at least a 2200. Retake as many times as necessary.
2) Concentrate on school!
3) Don't ignore your friends and social life either!
4) Make the most of all the opportunities you've got in 6th form
5) Mature!!! Know when and how to handle different situations well etc.
6) Get more fit hahahaa
7) Be more independent :]
8) GET ENOUGH SLEEP


Yup I think that's a pretty good list for this year, I guess I'll review this next year this time then. Back to the narrative...

I got drunk (apparently). I still don't believe it, but I'm not one to judge since I don't know what it's meant to feel like >> I basically had like 1/4 cup of baileys mixed with milk, and I kept adding milk as I finished drinking. Anyway I ended up with a really red face and when hillie told me to get up and walk in a straight line I fell back on my chair >___> I still think that was my general lack of coordination though, but ofc people like to say that I was drunk... I could still see everything that was going on, still remember it lol and I could txt normally? Just, it felt really realy hot and like my heart was in my brain and my whole head was pulsing, and it felt like birds were flying around in my head. I drank 2L of water after that, and after a few trips to the toilet I was normal colour again and had a massive headache, so I had to have a panadol... in other words, I had like the LEAST amount of alcohol out of everyone who drank, and I had one of the most violent reactions. peanut had the same reaction as me, except she drank 1/2 cup baileys, like double the amount I had... I think that if I'd had as much as her, I would've seriously just been gone. verdict: winnie's alcohol tolerance is 0 and she will never drink again. >>

the rest of the night was a mix of GIRL TALK (with GIRLS, including will and david. =P) ie DMCs, playing singstarrr (funny story actually, I had 'never gonna give you up' stuck in my head all day today; it was like being rickrolled by myself...), and lol, eating? XD I don't really remember how all those hours passed by so quickly to be honest.

in the morning, everyone pretty much slept... I slept only for like 15 mins cuz jono was playing his weird sound clips on max volume next to my ear, apparently I slept through the lion king theme and the random mozzie sound, while david who was sleeping like 2m away was like twitching and could hear it hahahahaha... I sleep like a log..? but yeah I got woken up. it was pretty energizing for a 15 min nap though. the next 2 or so hours were spent harassing sleeping people basically. then we just had breakfast and bummed around for half a day, everyone half dead... couldn't get to sleep though for some reason. Played a few games of mahjong, won 2 lost 1, yea thats right beginner's luck every time I play cuz I forget how to play every time and have to be retaught hahaha =P so technically still a beginner..

after that, we decided to go down to the park to play basketball~! cleo got rejected by a little girl on the swing, and it was david, me & lucy against jono/jeremy/peanut or yb/wenzin/jamie which was uhh. a little unfair? david's advice: "JUST SLAP HIM!" I ended up doing that |: I'm sorry jono...

My grandpa got admitted to hospital last night because he was having breathing difficulties, he has too much liquid in his system and it's been sitting for a longer time than usual cuz dialysis is delayed due to public holidays =/ hope he turns out okay, that's not a very good way to start the new year...

Although, I can't believe today is new years. it just feels like a really long day for me lol... like, last night felt like new years cuz we were doing all the celebrations, but today is just like, "OMG. IM TIREDDDDD. CAN I SLEEP?"

...I have not slept for 38 hours starting from 7am Thursday 31st December 2009. I actually feel pretty okay in terms of energy levels, not too tired hahaha but i think my eyes are like a panda's... I guess I should actually get to sleep soon lol.

I'd like to say a massive THANK YOU to all my friends for being there for me this year, it's been great, I hope to go through BIGGER AND BETTER times with all of you in 2010!!! :] you've been there for me when I'm down to make me smile, sometimes when I've smiled you've come to make me sad, but then I try to convert some of my smile to you as well. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but we have to try since we're friends right? YOU'RE ALL AWESOME, I love you all equally ♥

ANYWAY, HAPPY NEW YEARS TO EVERYONE! hope you had an awesome first decade of the 21st century and let's all join together to make the decades in the future even more memorable!!!