Tori no Tsubasa

The puzzles of our lives

2012-01-26T01:21:00.007+13:00

We spend so much time trying to find that perfect puzzle piece that fits, searching for the perfect job, the perfect friend, the perfect degree to take in university, the perfect soulmate.

Our lives are like enormous incomplete jigsaw puzzles -- we constructed our straight edges from childhood; our parents taught us values, we learned how to walk, to speak, to listen and to act. We learned when to smile and when to cry, when to walk ahead and when to sit by. These are basic emotions and skills, picked up without our trying.

But as we grow up, we need to build inwards from this border -- things suddenly become complicated. Our sky is made of billions of shapes of the same hopeful blue, our earth millions of shades of brown and green. We dream so many dreams, of a better future, of a happy future -- there are so many ways to achieve it. Our present is full of different factors, our friends and family, our career, education... as we build and build and reach the horizon, how do we connect our future to our present, our dreams to our reality?

If we defined ourselves as a single individual puzzle piece, "me" -- where do we sit in that puzzle? Are we only concerned about our present situation and situated in the earthen browns? Or do we spend too much time with our head in the clouds and float amongst the blues?

Or, perhaps you are like me, stuck in that awkward, tenuous, fuzzy border between blue and brown. Perhaps you are looking for the next piece in your puzzle, to fit your grooves and protrusions. There are those myriad pieces that definitely don't fit -- perhaps the grooves are too small for your sticky-outy bit, or perhaps too large and you slip out of it too easily, disinterested. There are then those millions of pieces that look like they fit, but as you try to branch out from those, you realise you were mistaken; it might take a second, it might take years. A doctor who turns to acting, or a lawyer who turns to comedy. Who are we to know what the future will hold?

We could spend eons searching for that perfect piece that fits exactly where it should. Some people are lucky and get it right the first time, but for the majority, we just choose pieces that look like they fit. Many go back and change it later... For a puzzle with so many pieces, in a world so big, and where the pieces look so similar in appearance (is this shade aquamarine? or perhaps cerulean, turquoise, sky blue, cornflower blue, azure, maya blue, royal blue?? should I go into criminal law? or perhaps international law, property law, contract law, constitutional law, art law, civil law??) -- we could spend our entire lives paused and searching for that one piece, but how will we know when we have found it?

After all, how are we to know that a perfect piece that fits exists at all? In a puzzle this big, with all the colors of the visible spectrum and limitless opportunity in our world, we have the power to choose any piece we want and build our puzzles from there. Each of us can choose a fundamentally different puzzle to build; it is not like our lives are predestined to show one picture and one picture only -- if we do not like this red piece here, perhaps we will replace it with a magenta one, or even take a risk and exchange it with a lime green! There are so many pieces in the pack we have been given that there is no risk of ever running into that notorious missing piece!

Even in the end, when we try to look at the big picture of our lives, it is only ever partially complete. There are so many pieces to use that it is impossible to ever finish a full picture in with only 86400 seconds in a day. So, the real question is... with the time you do have, what kind of picture will you construct?

新年快乐!! Baby you're a firework~

2012-01-02T16:54:00.002+13:00

The Chinese word for fireworks, 烟花，means literally 'smoke flower'. Both visually stunning and ephemeral, 烟花 encapsulates the passing of time for new years -- we are reminded that like smoke, our time on earth is transient and yet, like flowers, it is beautiful and shouldn't be cast away. This is certainly something I reflected on as I watched the terrific fireworks show exploding off the Taipei 101 this new years.

It was the first time I've actually been to such a big event to celebrate new years. I remember the flying homemade lantern of 2010 done at jamies house, or the yelling out of apartment windows in Paris of 2011. All very small but sure ways to celebrate the coming of a new year. Fireworks are of course the more traditional way to celebrate new years and it's surprising even to me that this is the first time I have come into the new years with fireworks :)

New years day represents for me a cleansing, a way to start anew and take a look at where I am going, where I would like to end up by 365 days later (nevermind how this year is a leap year...). 2011 has been relatively good year; I feel like I learned a lot as a person and matured more as I got more used to the 'real world'.

How'd I do on my own flimsy goals tho? Which I never look at after making them...

1) Make this year much much better than 2010 -- I do think it was a better year than 2010 haha, so this was good~
2) Become more open :) -- no idea I think i was pretty open to begin with and may have gone backwards :/ but I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing in many respects..
3) Do things I want to do, not things I feel obligated to do -- I tend to do this much to the annoyance of others because it is selfish. Lol can't win in this world...
4) Push boundaries -- yeah I guess I did go through with a lot of things I wasn't super into but the rewards were really good, I'm glad I pushed myself :)
5) Dedicate myself to the things I love 120% -- still haven't found something I love so much. At best I think I have committed 90% though.
6) Complain less -- not sure how this went. I don't keep track of my own complaining...
7) Get more fit. Because I didn't do it last year. ): -- better than 2010, still not that great though haha
8) Have more reasons to smile than frown :) -- definitely :D

Hmmmmm. Not bad I suppose. My way of thinking has changed a bit. New nyrs time~

1) do your best in uni. No slacking off even if other people say it's easy - get your grades first and then play around :)
2) if you are in America by the time you read this again, you are the man.
3) try new things - especially in uni, look for the things that might pique some genuine passion. Find the spark you lack.
4) GO AND FREAKING. WORK OUT YOU FAT SLOB.
5) get a job and earn some money :) becoming more independent even when support is there
6) be socially conscious
7) keep in touch with old friends
8) again -- have more reasons to smile than frown :)

I wish you all a very happy new years and an amazing year to come. Hopefully we are all still alive by January 1 2013 and the smoke of the 烟花 has not yet been extinguished by conspiracy theories coming true :p

Remember that every day is a gift we should be so thankful for because life is the single most valuable thing we each possess, and it's pricelessness makes every year an amazing experience -- make sure when you look back at the years of your life in nostalgia that each and every year is like a different colored explosion, and your life becomes a beautifully unforgettable fireworks show!

oh life, the most variable and constant thing of all...

2011-12-30T14:19:00.005+13:00

I have been wanting to make this blog for a long time but due to moving around very frequently and lack of internet I never really found the time.

I'm in Taipei at the moment at the DongWu Hotel; we flew in on Tuesday from Hong Kong and before that I spent 2 days at my grandparents' apartment in Guangzhou.

I used to visit Guangzhou with my family every 2 years or so and I used to think it was an overurbanised, overly-grey concrete wasteland. However, as I grew up, I somehow started learning things and becoming inspired whenever I go back to visit. There is just something irreplaceable about a hometown, albeit one that I can barely remember. The important thing is the tiny snippets of memories that flood back to me when I stand at the physical locations of my childhood -- the shop where I bought small mantou snacks next to our house, the paved courtyard of the kindergarten where I would wave goodbye to my grandmother every morning and make her promise that my grandfather would pick me up in the afternoon on his bike (very important, I would be deeply saddened if he showed up without a bike), the commercial sector of town where I would go shopping with my grandmother and politely go with her choices of clothing which would always end up making me look like unicorn's vomit.

It is a wonderful coalescence of the past and present.

I found my uncle's old diaries lined up neatly on his shelf. I picked a blue one up -- 1986. 7 years before I was born. It was so menial -- date, weather, temperature, recount of the day's events. Twice a week, consistently, for a year. The writing reached just halfway through the notebook; the rest of it was blank. And then 1987 began -- a green notebook. It's amazing to think that at the time it was written, there was no such thing as internet or personal, affordable computers. The everyday events in that notebook were so ordinary and yet, from the perspective of our society, so extraordinary. Nobody would lead such a boring life! This is why I find it amazing. Although at that time it was just a way for him to write down and record events in his life and to spend time on when bored, its sheer age makes it so precious today; I felt as if the paper could disintegrate in my hands and cherished history crumble forever.

The room where the diaries sit is a record of my uncle's life. Outside of the shelf, there is a large stack of WoW giftcards. A large frame containing his wedding photo hangs above the bed and a gigantic teddy bear sits before the pillows. There are many shelves in this old apartment room, as he has since moved out. The older ones contain his old bug collection and holiday photos with his friends -- I see my twenty-year-old aunt in a group photo in Tibet; the first time they met. The newer cupboards had the inescapable essence of woman -- my aunt's jewellery, her perfumes, her makeup. It's amazing to see how life can change.

This time, since I was only staying for a short time, my uncle took half days off work to show me around the city. I always found it so interesting how my uncles are always so friendly and familiar with me even though I barely talk to them normally. But as I flipped through the old photo albums, I saw myself a small-potato-sack-sized baby in my uncle's arms. The date read September 1993. I was 2 months old -- my uncle looks almost identical to how he is today, minus a few white hairs. It's interesting how quickly things can change. I flipped another page and saw a family photo with all my cousins. 2002. In just 10 years between 1992 and 2002, my family grew by 4 children, all of whom the adults loved dearly. I was the first, though perhaps not necessarily the first to realise how amazing the potential of the present is; what we do now will certainly determine where we end up later. And it is this unknown that is so beautiful.

More travel updates soon maybe. I felt inspired at some point but no time/energy to turn inspiration into words ):

From beginning to end of high school.... part 3

2011-12-09T16:57:00.004+13:00

And then... this year.

I grew closer to so many people this year that I never knew before. Everyone is so friendly and warm, and staff members treated us like peers. It is an environment that promotes community and natural maturity. I love being able to sit down and talk with anyone in the year 13 uniform and have a chat. I love being able to pass them in town or newmarket and wave and smile, even if we don't share any classes or if we have never talked previously. There's just something about STCC that ties everyone together, and there are no ulterior motives, or reasons, why I would want to say hi to someone I barely know. I just do it because I want to. Plus, this year made me feel like I grew up so fast, I didn't have time to look where I was going or take care with where I was stepping. But, all turned out well.

What an awesome year it's been. It's been such a different experience than previous years; like a roller coaster ride, it's gained its own momentum and events just stacked up week after week, day after day, and before we knew it we are here -- at the final stop on the train schedule. It's been a long ride, but it's time to get off the train now and make our ways up from the underground subway station into the busy world, our feet firmly planted on the ground and only the empty sky above us containing our growth.

Subway Entrance by Themeny

Walking out of school today in my white shirt and long skirt, knowing that it's the last time we will ever wear them, was a strange experience. I will never walk into the school as a student again. It's time to put away our 'mauve' ribbons forever. I will never have to address my teachers as 'Mr.', 'Miss' and 'Mrs'. I will again never be constrained into the "St. Cuthbert's Student" suit, and yet I will miss it.

I will miss the traffic jams between Hunter and Robertson, I will miss Mrs. Ali's unreadable handwriting, I will miss intruder drills where we all hide under the desks, I will miss the THUDs from Mr. Torrie running into walls in adjacent classrooms, I will miss Cheeky's perfectly-timed wolfwhistles, I will miss Mr. Cuer's bright turquoise shirt and lunging at the whiteboard waving markers, I will miss Mr. Bryden's lying about making all the physics equipment, I will miss Mr. Ball's dry jokes, I will miss Mrs. Saunder's kitten heels, I will miss wobbly desks in exams, I will miss the "draw a heart/smiley/elephant if you are bored" engravings on tables, I will miss badly timed fire drills and having to walk with disgruntlement all the way over to the sports field, I will miss waiting for year 9s to pass with their house bags, I will miss seeing Gabby's face all around the school on Open Day, I will miss Mrs. Rodgers writing on the wall in Year 10 and telling Ruby not to talk back, I will miss wheelie chairs in the art department and I will miss the (questionable presence of) fleas in the common room and I will miss getting up early to ensure parking on market road every morning and I will miss Zoe running into me in corridors and Marijke playing shooting games in English class and Steph JY punching my boobs (okay I just realised how amazingly lesbian that sounded and I apologise for any awkwardness but in my defence you are the one punching my boobs), but most of all I will miss everyone for all their eccentricities and awesomeness and presence around me...

I think it's true, not many people graduating from their high schools would have had the experiences we have had, and we have been giving such amazing tools and background for our future. I can be anything I want now, and yet under this paralyzing freedom I don't know where I will go or what I will do, and I can do nothing at all for the time being.

I require time to get a sense of my bearings, which hopefully this long summer holiday will provide.

Being vomited out of the subway station now, we see an intersection. Roads in every direction, people scuttling past -- which road will you choose to travel on? Retracting back into the security of the warm subway is the only option our freedom doesn't grant us; life is a one way train, and we did not think to buy return tickets before we came.

From beginning to end of high school.... part 2

2011-12-09T16:01:00.005+13:00

I just watched the leavers video and teared up a little bit at the end ): I don't know why, I'm happy to graduate and I'm ready, but I'm just really touched by everything the school has given to me and I feel really, really lucky to have been given the opportunity to attend such an amazing environment for the last 7 years...

Picking up from where I left off last time, year 10 was one of the years that really changed me. At the beginning of the year, I hacked off all my hair. I don't really know why it happened, but I just decided to cut my hair short suddenly, the day before school started. I was still pretty withdrawn, but starting to take more responsibilities and be more socially conscious. It was a slow growth mainly haha, but I think I grew up a lot in the second half of 2008. This can be largely attributed to Kahunui. I came out of my shell a lot. I guess I never really realised how isolated and quiet I was til people pointed it out. I tried to open up more to people around me, not only close friends but classmates as well. I learnt that it didn't matter if we weren't familiar, because all friends are strangers at first as well. Spending a month with these people brought out frustration, boredom and helplessness as well as confidence, self-realisations and fierce independence. And it is the latter qualities that are permanent; hardships are temporary, but experience is forever. The last time I cried, truly cried, was on the last day of Kahunui. I don't really know what caused it -- it was as I was hugging the instructors, and I realised that I will probably never see these people ever again, yet they have impacted on my person so much and changed my perspective on the world so dramatically -- Kahunui is naturally an experience that I never want to forget.

^4 leaf clover found at a firedrill

Year 11 turned out to be one of the most enjoyable years so far. At the beginning of the year, I was seriously considering transferring to AIC. I even went to sit their entrance exam and had an interview. I got a scholarship, but ultimately decided not to go. Maybe it was intuition, and I'll never know what would have happened, but I can't imagine not staying at STCC for the rest of high school. The environment at AIC seems so stark, so cold compared to at STCC. I'm so glad I made the choice to stay. I had a mini crisis school-wise in the choice between IB and NCEA and subject choices later on in the year. I had to do a lot of soul searching and decide what I really wanted... it was the first time I had to make a tough decision like that and make it definitively. For anyone who knows me well, you know that I suck at decision making, so you can imagine how agonisingly painful this period of my life was for me hahahaahah. But, it all worked out. And i have to say, choosing to drop biology was one of the best choices I have ever made. I think I grew and matured so much in Year 11 that I regard everything prior to the summer between 2009 and 2010 to be 'the last stage in my life'. I feel like I have been reinvented through change that year; I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing, but that's just how I see it.

Year 12 was not really memorable for me school-wise. I just feel like the entire year was spent in the Art Department, and it was here that Art became such a huge part of my life. The Art Department at st. cuths is absolutely amazing -- as MKD said, St. Cuth's students come out with an amazing work ethic and skills at 2nd or 3rd year university level. We don't notice it, which is a credit to the way the department is run and the atmosphere within the school. I never considered that art could become such a big part of my life before -- it was already something I enjoyed, but it didn't truly become a passion til then, and I never actually noticed this transition until just now as I was typing this (This is why I blog!)... I also grew closer to staff members this year, having gotten over my semi fear (?) of older and more qualified people haha.

Without STCC, I would never have been given the amazing opportunity of experiencing Europe. It opened my eyes to another lifestyle in another country, and it was really amazing how different it is. Therefore it is worldly education, both literally and figuratively, that STCC has given me, and it has truly been up to us to choose which opportunities to take because there are simply too many to do them all. Even though I look around at my fellow graduating class and feel jealousy for some of the things they have done, I remember that we are all simply trying to grasp and hold everything the school hands out to us. It's impossible to hold it all, especially for someone with hands as small as mine :P

...to be continued...

From beginning to end of high school.... part 1

2011-12-03T23:50:00.007+13:00

Just came back from leavers' dinner. It was pretty surprising that I still remember everything that was mentioned from year 7 til now. It's been 7 years at this school, and after going so long without graduation it really feels like a big deal. I can't even imagine what it would feel like for someone who's been there since year 1. I don't think I could ever say that it hasn't had an impact on me. The education at this school has changed the way I think and the way I respond to things. Yet, I feel as if I didn't take away from it all that I could have. But then, I'm not sure that I could ever have been a part of that world.

When I first heard I was going to St. Cuth's in year 5, I deeply resented my parents. I didn't understand what the difference was between private and public education, I didn't understand the difference between single sex and coed, I didn't understand why I couldn't continue onto MRIS and stay with all my friends. Year 6 was one of the best years of my life, even now. It may not have been the most morally instructive, I was surely not mature, but if I have to think back to my happiest memories, a lot of them were at that time. There are memories from then that stick with me even now, shared with people I still hold dear. It might be weird to think about it now. That was almost 10 years ago now, and I was merely a child. But a child is the foundation for an adult, and my experiences then remain very much a part of my identity.

When I entered Year 7 at St Cuths, I remember thinking on my first day that it wasn't really weird at all that it was all girls. I didn't even notice, because the different personalities were all there. In fact I CLEARLY remember that it was 3rd period before it even occured to me that yes, this is an all girl's school, and I was going to be spending a lot of time here in the year to come. Beyond that, I couldn't even fathom. Who knew that 7 years after that fleeting thought I would think back to it somewhat amused. What a long way we've all come since then!

That's not to say that an all-girls' environment didn't impact me eventually. I remember missing the company of guys several times during that year and the next. It was pretty hard to keep in touch with old friends at that time because there was no facebook and we only had MSN. Nobody really felt the compulsion to keep in touch with me since I moved away and most people went from MRPS to MRIS, so they saw each other all the time. The only person I remained really close to was Lucee, because we lived so close. We could take walks all the time in the park and talk about our schools, and how different things were in intermediate. She would tell me all the things that were happening in MRIS with people I used to know. She was like the gateway into the world I felt my parents had kept me from.

I didn't feel like I fit in much at my new school. Even though I had Joy who I kinda knew from MRPS, I actually got to know her better at St Cuths than at primary. Mind you this is back when I was pretty obsessed with anime haha, and I don't think ANYONE at that time had the same interests. Nevertheless I found a few friends and stuck with them. I didn't feel like I was as close to them as I was with MRPS friends. Plus, I was in the middle of my awkward shy stage so I felt really self conscious all the time and I was very veeerrryyyyyy quiet.

Y9 Bernie + someone else studying for exams :) ohh such is the crappy quality of 2007 camera phones.

Despite all this however, I feel like I learnt a lot in Year 7. Mrs Johnson is really one of the best teachers I've ever had. I learnt a lot of life lessons in her class haha, the most important of which is probably the importance of being resilient. When I look back now at that time, she was preaching to a bunch of clueless 12 year olds about this, and most of us probably learnt our lesson. When I look around now and see so many people my age and older who give up so easily, who are so thin skinned and don't get back up when they're knocked down, I am really in awe of Mrs J's foresight in teaching quite a diffult-to-grasp lesson to girls so young. I am equally impressed that she still remembers all of her students even now; she called each of us a few weeks ago and wished us luck for our final ncea exams, and tonight when I saw her we had a nice chat about plans for next year etc. Even though she pretty much retired a few years ago, she still works for the school. I have to say that she's definitely one of the people who have had an impact on me growing up at that time.

Year 8 was a lot better than Year 7 socially speaking. Maybe because we got to pick our classmates, so most of the people in my class were people I could relate to easily. I had a lot of good memories with people in this class, including doing $1-$2 drawings for Ally, but gave up when she tried to get me to draw jack sparrow cos I couldn't do realism at that time LOL, and certain sporadic poker club meetings which turned into weekly shared lunches instead cos it got so big that we couldn't actually play poker properly, and trying to think of an example of 'innuendo' in ms vos' class without making it sexual... yeah it was a pretty good year. I still felt pretty small sometimes, cos it felt like EVERYONE was sooo confident and outspoken, but I was still shy. I remember there were a few girls that teased and mocked me a bit, but it was like Regina George type semi friendly bitchiness, so I couldn't really say anything. It didn't really feel like bullying, but now that I think back I did feel pretty crap about it. However I didn't get suicidal or depressed cos I didn't really care about those girls ahhahaahah, it didn't seem like anyone else really liked them either so I just accepted that's the way they are.

I still met up with Lucee really regularly and she'd tell me about MRIS, but I didn't know most of the people she hung out with. Interestingly this year was the year that she started talking about Yujie cos that's when she moved to MRIS. I guess I consider this time to be the time I 'met' her, even though I never actually saw her in real life at all. But I heard so much about her I felt like I kind of knew her hahaha. When I actually did meet her in Year 9, we both already knew who each other were, so I smiled and waved and tried to make friends. I moved from sitting with my year 8 friends in soft tech to sitting with her cos she looked lonely haha. Through her I met Laina and Jimin, and we claimed Molly the Tree.

It's a little bit sad now that we didn't hang out at Molly much this year, even though in year 9 we vowed as a group that we would stay there until year 13. Since then, a lot of people have left the school, a few have joined, and different people have moved around and found new places to hang out. I remember either Tara, Ally or Roxy drew "HEART molly" on the tree in purple vivid at some point, but that's probably gone by now hahaha. (EDIT: just found out it was indeed Roxy :D) From the memories of Molly, Holly, Polly and Fred (who sprouts pink blossoms in Spring, and has grown sooo much since year 9 -sniff-), to the legend of Jonathan Livingstone the seagull, year 9 was still full of relative carefreeness. I guess year 9 marked the beginning of a lot of friendships that are the ones that I still have right now. If I had an awkward time fitting in in year 7 and 8, year 9 was a lot easier. I joined a few clubs and meet some upperclassmen, and was in general a lot less antisocial hahaha.

Hahahahah Eunji ♥

However, I was still pretty quiet and shy with people I didn't know. Adults and teachers and authoritative figures in general I didn't like dealing with. To be honest I still kind of have a thing with this and I tend to get flustered easily and don't know what's appropriate to say when I'm talking to adults, but it's a lot better now than it was hahahhaahah. I remember not liking how Mrs L is so friendly with students because I just couldn't think of her that way and it was awkward when she insisted on hugging me but yeah there you go

I started blogging on this blog at the end of year 9 actually... wowww this blog is pretty old huh.

Anyway, that was my brief recount of Years 7 to 9 at STCC. I don't know, someone might find it interesting I suppose, or it's a good time to say it all so I can read back and remember one day when I am old. I will cover the rest of my high school experience in part 2 and maybe 3, in a few days. It's getting a bit too late in the day for this now hahaha :P

ok so this is actually year 10 but naww isn't laina cute :)

EINSTEIN'S ANGELS

2011-11-29T10:19:00.003+13:00

I woke up this morning from an epic dream but didn't have time to blog about it because I thought i should do some study first. Seeing as I just crammed 620 french vocab words now (omg poor brain...), I thought I was at liberty to share my dream now :) but I've already forgotten quite a lot of it...

anyway it was like. I was part of a group of teenage superheroes whose job was to 'guard' the planet, except we were kinda vigilante so the police were after us as well. our main enemies turned out to be these kids who could defy physics and their dimension-altering abilities were dangerous to physics as we knew it. We had to protect classical physics so that the world didn't disintegrate. I HAVE THE NERDIEST DREAMS I KNOW...

anyway the part I remember the clearest is that at one point we were in the middle of a mission, except police were after us. So, I led the group into this big tower thing, except there were stairs going up and down. It was like the scary concrete staircases in big hotels or apartments, that seem to go on forever. But there was no time to waste cos we didn't want to get caught, so we just kept running down and down and down into the earth several 10s of floors. I was thinking at this time "omg we have to climb up all of this later fml..." At some point a pair of kids passed us going up. I could hear the policeman a few floors above us chasing us, and I was praying that we would lose him at some point. Then we hit the bottom, and there were 2 doors and a long hallway -- the doors seemed like they could be opened but I was scared of where they would go so I didn't open them and instead when through the hallway. To my surprise, at the end was a short set of stairs and then daylight. Yes idk how going down into the earth 10 sets of stairs = 1 set of stairs back up either.

After we came back up, it was like a big field with people having picnics and stuff. We though we were safe, but I couldnt help but feel strange as if there was still someone following us... then I suddenly see from the corner of my eye the hedge move forward. It was like one of the rectangular hedges, neatly trimmed and everything. I thought I imagined it at first but we went forwards a few steps and I definitely saw it move again. I was like "GUYS, THAT HEDGE IS FOLLOWING US", and everyone was like WTF? and turned around indeed the rectangular hedge was like skewing and squishing up into a cube and going back into a hedge and stuff, and then suddenly we're like RUNNNNNNNNNN and run away, and I turn back to see the hedge is now changing colours from green, flashing rainbow colours and flying towards us in the air. Then at that point we realise it's an ambush by the dimension-altering kids @_@ and so we're trying to fight them off and stuff as all these hedges start flying toward us, and some of them transform back into human form. We try to fight them off but there were too many!!!

"MUAHAHAHAH WE ARE GONNA MESS UP THE WORLD'S PHYSICS"

THEN SUDDENLY, ARNOLD FROM HEY ARNOLD APPEARS and is like "hey kids it's time to play baseball!" and the kids go out of their huge uncontrollable rage and all transform back into little kid form and are like "yaay!!!!!" and they play baseball with Gerald and Arnold while the rest of us are like "wtf?!? omg thank god you appeared to control them..."

Then the whole scene turns into some birthday party or something while kids are playing baseball inside, and there's a sushi train kinda buffet so I go over and Arnold comes over and tells me to try the "snail sandwiches", which turns out not to be snails at all but a sandwich of bacon and pork with the bread inside (so like, an inverted sandwich...). I have a hard time picking it up with my chopsticks because it is so slippery.

Then the meal ends and we are sitting in an amphitheatre and we're watching a performance. For some reason Jade has dyed her hair brown and has extensions in and is singing to us. At some point Joy starts singing along behind us with her and then the whole amphitheatre starts singing, and Mrs L is trying to control the crowd being like "respect the performer! stop disrupting" kinda thing. At this point we realise that Jade has disappeared and in her place is this other random girl who doesn't know why or how she got there, and her face goes all red from embarrassment and she almost faints, and someone offers to take her to the nurse so the two of them walk out of the amphitheatre. Everyone is still singing and it is a massive chaotic scene of people being disruptive.

And then I woke up. :/ the end? My favourite part was the part with the rainbow hedges flying around. It was like a video game glitched and everything buzzed out... except in real life :O

politics from the point of view of the politically ignorant

2011-11-23T21:40:00.011+13:00

DISCLAIMER: I do not claim to be politically intelligent and if someone could educate me it would be welcomed. I am merely posting what I have gathered from the last few weeks and also from my own thought processes. Take all that I have to say below with a grain of salt. I have not done much research prior to typing up this post...

So with the elections coming up this weekend, it seems like most parties have been and are continuing their campaigning quite thoroughly in the last few weeks. This morning I got 2 letters in the mail, one from the current MP of my electorate and 1 from Labour in general, directed towards young people telling us to vote for them.

Just to be clear right now, I usually tend to have centre-left perspectives (according to online political personality tests I have done, reallllyy accurate I know, but it's the best we've got to compare to right now :P), however this post will probably seem that I am biased against Labour just because my family tends to vote National and also because I have become really really pissed off by the way Labour has presented itself to me lately.

From what I have gathered , Labour's dreams to increase the benefit base, close the gap between poor and rich and alleviate tax impact on the less fortunate have been good intentions definitely. HOWEVER. I find myself questioning where this money will come from (just as I have with Greens. Their grandiose dreams are nice to think about but so damn expensive and they are like children crayoning in wonderful worlds that they have no idea how to create in reality). The obvious conclusion is to increase taxes for those with higher income. For a party that encourages people to work harder, it seems highly hypocritical to be punishing those who work the hardest. Especially when the TRULY well off, the 'rich' who are well ahead of the poor, are probably trust fund babies who live in million dollar houses yet have no set income and therefore pay no tax. I acknowledge this is a gross generalization but they exist. The main issue most people seem to have with Labour's benefit policies is that it in fact creates an unfair society where those who are unwilling to work are given help on silver platters whereas those who work harder to get ahead are slowed down to help them.

YES, there are families whose circumstances cannot be helped, but there needs to be a balance between helping them get up on their feet and crippling the hardworking to help bums. How we get this balance, I have no clue (and quite honestly, it's not my job to know). I just wish politicians would stop playing their little power game and actually get shit done. Cos you know. That's their job and all. This is a very difficult issue to talk about so I will just move on now.

When Labour, Green and National came to our school to introduce themselves earlier this year... I found the Labour MP incredibly immature in that she kept trying to attack everything National had to say. It was not supposed to be a debate. I could attribute this to her young age but that would be so ageist lol, I really expected the leaders of this country to at least treat their jobs more seriously, although it was entertaining nonetheless. Likewise, in the letter I got from Labour today, I saw:

"At the last election, hundreds of thousands of young people in New Zealand didn't vote. Their votes would have been enough to decide the election... Under National, only the better-off are better off. They'll be hoping that this election young people still don't vote. Don't let them get away with it."

It seems to me that Labour is trying to get votes not by their own good ideas but just by trying to put down National. But it isn't really productive to simply say why someone else's ideas are shit, alternatives have to be given. Not to mention how NO EXPLANATION is given to us as to WHY either party is doing the things they're doing. National is planning to sell Air New Zealand and I hate the decision. To this day I still have no idea exactly why they have to sell it. To cover debts yes. But why specifically ANZ???? ): I love ANZ... Also I find the act of selling HUGE NZ owned assets to be a really dumb move, but what do I know, I don't do economics.

Maybe politicians want the public to remain politically ignorant so that we may be manipulated more easily in our democracy. I always did think that was the major downfall with democracy -- most people are ignorant and actually have no idea what are good for themselves and their country. These were my thoughts as I read their letter this morning over breakfast...

New Zealand's youth unemployment problem is one of the worst in the developed world

National is planning to sell off our power companies to overseas buyers

They've made it clear they want to mine our conservation land
(Why? both this and the above are National policies I personally don't like. But I also believe they must have semi-justified reasons for them at least. These 2 statements will sound bad to anyone, which is why Labour threw them into this leaflet in the first place, in order to keep people from voting National, but knowing that we must question why National would be doing it despite all this stigma. Sometimes things that are good for you are things that you will not necessarily like.)

They're widening the growing gap between rich and poor

(Statistics would be nice)

The country's credit rating has been downgraded

(This has happened in most western countries because the economy is weakening globally, not purely an NZ problem)

Labour will: Pay off the country's debt without selling off the power companies and other state assets -- providing a future we can all own

(How? Also the last bit is cheesy and is only there to sound good)

Increase the minimum wage to $15 an hour

(sounds good considering inflation)

Change the tax system to make sure everyone pays their fair share

(curious about a plan of this and how they're planning to do it)

Make your first $5000 of annual income tax free

(taxes would increase past this $5000 to make it the same anyway right, except worse for those who earn more, usually those who work harder? dunno not sure don't do eco, but seems like the natural conclusion)

Create more jobs and use the dole to pay for thousands of extra apprenticeships.

(How are they going to 'create more jobs' honestly, I don't get it...)

As I was reading the first letter from our electorate MP (National), I thought how it must be strategically beneficial to have power in the first place because you CAN send out a letter before the election this way and have an upper hand in getting re-elected. Usually unless you have been a really crappy MP, people wouldn't have much to complain about. If it weren't for the letterhead and signature on this letter, I would not have known that it was from National. There was no attack on other candidates. It was a pure simple "this is what we have done in the past years, and this is what we will be doing if I get re-elected." I liked that. It was incredibly refreshing and less didactic especially after I read the Labour leaflet.

Without all the propaganda, I am likely to be a person to agree with Labour's POV compared to National's. However, due to the shitty and unprofessional way Labour has decided to present itself to me in previous weeks as well as having next to no vision for their ideas and instead of working out a way to make their goals happen they have been wasting time bashing the National government in an effort to get votes, it seems that I will end up voting the other way this Saturday. I do not want immaturity ruling the country I live in. Honestly I miss Helen Clark's competence. It's a bit like Apple losing Steve Jobs.

Actually it probably doesn't matter too much which way the election goes. The government is made up of all these parties and both these major parties will be well represented. It's been shown that they agree on almost 50% of all bills presented to Parliament anyway, and I am happy to have Labour represent its ideas for equality in government. It has just become clear though, that since they have no means to actually support their own views, maybe the answer is to let someone else take care of the details who actually seems like they actually know what they are talking about.

"I wanna build this treehouse!" the boy said to his father, showing him an elaborately detailed drawing of a palace nestled in the tree he had done in felt tip pens at school. His father chuckled and took the plan off him, smiling.

"Ok, son. We'll get started soon. I just have to make a few technical plans based on your drawing."

And the boy beamed.

The treehouse ended up a bit boxier and less shiny than he had imagined, but at least he ended up getting one.

Moral of this story? If you can't build your own perfect treehouse, don't complain when someone else tries their best to build it for you, even if it's not as good as you think it should be. Bitch.

Of course, the problem here is that National doesn't seem to have much of a clue of what they are doing either and their decisions to sell off companies to cover the national debt will probably end up screwing over the country in the long term. But you know what, at this stage I am just so pissed off with Labour's incompetence that like I said, it MAY JUST BE choosing the slightly less shitty out of 2 shitty options.

END RANT? God I hate politics.

Because politics shouldn't be about sides, or who's right or wrong, who's the 'better' party. Our parliament is made up of MPs from all different parties, who all have ideas on how to make the country a better place. Parliament needs to work together and get shit done, not re-enact some kids' game of King of the Playground over an entire country whenever election day rolls around.

2011-11-09T19:00:00.008+13:00

We grow up being told, "when you are older, you will understand."

We look up to our parents, older siblings, the 'big kids' on the playground with such wonder. It's so far away, the responsibility, the freedom. We cannot even fathom being part of that world because the time it would take to get to that stage is longer than we have even lived.

Slowly as we grow older, we experience new things. A million firsts, a million ephemeral moments of excitement. Yet we hardly take it all in when experiencing it, never saturate ourselves in the gaining of such knowledge...

We continue to look forward to the next goal.

Then one day, in a fleeting moment of peace, when we finally do look down at the edge of the childhood-imagined cliff we have climbed, we realise that the journey consisted only of a very long and flat hill, where the gradient was so gradual that we did not notice --

we never noticed that the world full of wonder that we were told we would one day inherit, the state where anything is possible if we choose to pursue it, where the future is at our fingertips

-- has already become ours.

Look at the city lights below, the rainbow on the horizon, the northern lights of human experience, beautiful and terrifying; see how they shine for you!

We're in the real world now. No more safety nets, no more childish idealism, no more restrictions. A messy, chaotic and wonderful world -- let's get ready to go and conquer it, hand in hand.

new layout :D

2011-10-20T23:30:00.001+13:00

haven't updated the layout since august 26 last year, so decided to do it now :)
ripped the search bar function from Cathee's blog hhahahahhaha i love how html is open source :) hope you like it

Seals and a lot of other random stuff.

2011-10-18T08:10:00.005+13:00

Okay so I was sleeping in my dream (inception!!) and then when I woke up, I saw frank there, and wanted me to feel his fake abs, which he had created using layering lots and lots of duct tape on his stomach LOL. somehow though when I closed my eyes and felt them they actually felt pretty legit. then for some reason he was taking me to the zoo. Turns out he had somehow taught one of the seals there to talk, so I talked to his seal for a while and he disappeared. I watched a film on an iphone (my iphone?? idk, I don't have an iphone...) right there inside my dream. I think it was the lion king, not sure tho. I fed the seal some abalone and it was like MORE PLEASE so I ended up giving him the entire bucket and then I slapped it on the face being like "you're a good boy :)" and he smiled (can seals smile? anyway it was a cute as seal) and swam away under the bridge. There was some news about the enclosure being demolished soon so that the seals would be able to return to sea or something, and then I walked out of the movie cinema because the whole seal episode had for some reason been a movie at film society???

I was with yujie and we saw tony across the room, so we went up to him and asked how he found the movie. He said he was so good in how it was simplistic and just feel-good and that not all movies had to have a really deep theme etc etc and he really enjoyed it, whereas I said I felt like 90% of the film was focused on the seal which I found a bit boring and found the lion king a much better film about animals. Then for some reason rose and christine were playing dota on the table in the room we were in, and I had to go outside to find my parents, but then my dad called me saying something about going to the restaurant by myself. I saw an old guy pulling out of the driveway of the place we were in -- he had a texan moustache and white beard. I gestured asking if he was gonna take yujie and tony there (I guess they were coming with me..?) and he nodded, but then he pulled out of the driveway. I thought that they were in his car, but I realised I didn't have my keys so went back inside to get them to find yujie and tony still in the room. Lucky I forgot my keys otherwise I would have just driven off....

I ended up driving to this school that looked a lot like hogwarts, where some kind of fight/battle was going on. there was a lot of 'lost properly' strewn across the main atrium from the battle and a lot of scarves, capes etc. Me and yujie went to art???? and I realised that I had forgotten my painting and my paintbrushes and my paint, so I didn't know what I was doing. So to avoid talking to MKD I went to the back and washed brushes all the time, except it kept being people's birthdays and we had to sing every 5 minutes LOL... random as

Some other stuff happened (Which I can't remember) and I remember just walking around trying to find people, but everyone had disappeared. Then I saw a vending machine which sold 4.0 USBs, and one of them was a 9TB one and it was $948. Which was dumb, cos for some reason the 1TB one was only 10 bucks. I took a photo of the 9TB USB and moved on. There was an ATM like computer in the corner of the room and I saw clark there trying to hack into ms waalken's administrator account? But he didn't know her login or password, but for some reason his friends had her ID card, so he ran off to get it.

Meanwhile, I turned around and there was a huge moving painting on the wall promoting sustainability. It was like a mini movie, but I don't remember much of it except the line "but in fact, we should be protecting our family HERE", and then cartoon animals (elephants, giraffes etc) rolled out of this pile of sleeping bags wrapped in sleeping bags like rolls of sushi, and then they swirled around the canvas in a circle before morphing into a picture of the earth and the words "Sustainability: It's your world" appeared on top of it. HAHA.

Anyway after that, clark returned with nail polish on his hands (not on his nails, on his hands. they were completely pink). when questioned, he said there was a hand recognition software or something, and he typed in her login and pw, and then the picture showed "please put your hands like this" with the thumbs one on top of the other, and the computer scanned his 2 pink thumbs crossed over and then asked for voice recognition, he had no idea what to do so he was just like "hi" in a DEEP voice LOLLL, and it was like "access granted!" I was like wtf. So I just watched him going thru the admin stuff, realising that he could actually change people's grades and stuff and being like "holy shit if someone comes here we are both screwed" in my head. the interface of the computer was a lot like the early mac UI:

then, for some reason (maybe something happened in the part of the dream I forgot about), this guy who I don't know in real life but who I knew in the dream whose name was peter comes up to me like a dog and brings me a 9TB 4.0 USB in my hands in his mouth, slobbering all over my hands and panting like a dog after dropping it off. I was like :O is this for me? for free? and he barked happily and ran off. It was a cool as one though, like it was supposed to be a USB but you could press a button and it would pop out like an indiana jones ancient gadget thingie, but it was all circuitboard looking, and when it opens you can put stuff in it like a locket. and the people behind me were laughing and stuff being like "haha, you have to wipe all that saliva off your hand. make sure you don't have rabies."

And then I just woke up haha.

I am a massive stalker

2011-10-16T21:47:00.005+13:00

Today I will tell you all about the ways in which I am a massive stalker. Okay actually that term is a little negative; I prefer to think that I just get to know people very easily... sometimes without their knowledge :P Like most people, I go out and meet friends of friends. But unlike most people, I actually remember them -- usually the next time I see them on the street, I can recognise them and remember their name, but 70% of the time they don't remember me so I just don't say anything haha. It's nice when they do tho :)

I started young... Remember how the class roll used to be alphabetical by last name? Yeah... I knew the order off by heart, including everyone's last names. From years 1 to 4, I could literally write down the class roll in alphabetical lastname/firstname form off by heart. There were typically 30 people in my classes. This was partly spurred by my early passions to become a teacher, and I guess it just became a habit, even after that point where I didn't want to become a teacher anymore. Perhaps that's why I have an affinity for remembering people's names now haha. Useful skill to have I guess, even if its roots are extremely weird and creepy even by my standards hahahahahahah.

Speaking of creepy........ I liked a guy at the end of primary school and continued to 'check up' on how and what he was doing over the next year or so even though I have never seen him since then. I had his msn, but we didn't talk much. Now, remember this is the time before bebo or facebook. I googled his name, found a website with one of his classmates' emails and contacted his CLASSMATE, with my own anonymous email address, to ask how he was. OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A CREEPER ):

I do like to know the people around me in my everyday life, even if they are people who I don't have immediate contact with. Friends of friends, especially if they are close, would be people that I know about even if I have never actually met them, or if I've only met them once. Yes I facebook people after I meet them. Sometimes I add them too hahaha, if I think we might meet again, or if I'm interested in getting to know them better. This prediction is only ever ~40% accurate. I have a lot of people on my list who I never talk to, but I actually do know exactly who all those people are and I don't accept random friend reqs. Sometimes people add me who I know of but who I haven't actually met myself, but I accept mostly because I'm curious as to who they are behind the facebook info page which I have stalked so many times before :P

I like to think that I'm generally friendly to people tho, despite my closet stalker tendencies. Sometimes I think I may come off as a bit of a snob :/ or, extremely shy and distant. It just depends on the day I meet someone. Some days I just feel more amiable than others, and sometimes I just don't feel like being social? But even if I'm not feeling social... I still remember people I meet :) And always feel a little rejected when I see people I know but who I know don't remember me anymore haha.

I guess you could say people are very important to me, even if I am not important to them. Not even individuals either, but anyone is important to me. I remember most if not all of my classmates from Paris -- actually another point, I had no links to anyone from my school over facebook in Paris since Blanche didn't have one, but I did some pro friend jumping to find people I know. I literally went through Meghan to Marilou (her french exchange partner) to her sister (who actually went to EA, since Marilou went to LLLG) and scrolled through all her friends, and some of her friends' friends, to find someone who I had met in Paris thus far. It's a life skill I swear...

I also periodically google people I know's names on google to see what'll come up. the weirdest stuff appears sometimes, I had no idea one of my friends used to be a Yugioh master who went overseas with the NZ team to d-d-d-d-duel :O

The internet is an amazing tool. People share so much about themselves online (and I myself am no exception)... some might say it's dangerous, because if even someone like me can track people down so easily, then it's not a very secure place to be sharing things about yourself. However, in this age I do feel that those who do not share anything about themselves online tend to disappear, at least in my mind. Since it's where I get my information about people, if someone doesn't have a facebook, or bebo, or even email address (yes I know people who do not use email), their presence is not as prominent in my mind and thus in my life... sad but true I guess :/

It is important to spend time with people out of the internet. I do prefer to spend time with people in real life, in small groups or one-on-one -- this is indisputably better in building relationships. But, I think we're getting to that stage where real life interaction may not be enough, unless it is every day or very often. We are beginning to not be able to live efficiently without imprinting our identity onto the web anymore. In a world where more and more people are meeting through online dating (and having successful relationships and marriages!), we must still be aware of the horror story internet predator; but at the same time, we must be aware of the benefits our virtual identities can bring, and learn to utilise them well.

Of course, one may argue that casual stalkers like me utilise them a little too well ;)

Personality Disorders

2011-10-10T19:32:00.001+13:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. Narcissists tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh man....
& the moderate ones:

A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

well that was interesting. :P

lateness

2011-10-08T16:43:00.003+13:00

So this morning I woke up at 8.40, had a little mental UGHHHH as I realised that I had to be at school by 9am and slowly crawled out of bed and got ready to go. I didn't rush or anything, and at 9am was in the kitchen having breakfast and having a nice chill chat to my grandma. It made me think wow, I'm totally not stressed that I'm going to be late. This is a stark contrast to how I used to be -- when I was younger, I was always the early one. I'd turn up 15 minutes before the bus was scheduled to come (and so when it was 15 minutes late, I had spent half an hour waiting at the stop). I'd always be the first one to come to the meeting place when going out with friends, and the first one over to someone's house. I'd be the one waiting -- and I do wonder, how much time have I wasted in my life waiting? I could never understand why people showed up half an hour late to gatherings when we'd agreed to meet at a determined time -- I never understood how people could be late to school either.

I remember once in year 9 I went to watch harry potter 5 with tina and lucy (who were in y12 at the time). tina ended up being so late that she missed the movie and had to watch a later session. honestly I had no idea how she managed that. But of course, as I also grow up, I have somehow gotten lazier myself and this morning when I realised I was late and not stressing it made me think of all these things and how I have changed. I don't really know what this is indication of at all though. Adults always seem so rushed in their lives, but still end up being late. Maybe I should just flag the stress and accept that I will sometimes be late (which is happening more and more often nowadays...).

It's weird because in the period where my parents were away I woke up on time everyday and got my brother to school earlier than my parents would and felt fine about it all the time, but the MOMENT they came back, I started going back to my old later getting up habits again. Maybe the lack of responsibility made me lax?

AND, do you find that if you try to do things too early, you end up being later than you would have been if you had just done it at the right time? like when I started doing my SATs (early as usual, sat my reasoning jan 2010), and then still felt on top of it when I sat my math last october, but when I left my 2nd subject test to this october, I was like oh shit why'd I leave it so late... and with studying as well, when I was sitting my MAX test I started studying 2 weeks prior but ended up having to do a mad (unsuccessful) rush the day before because I had forgotten what I'd studied 2 weeks before since it was TOO EARLY... and one time when I was waiting at the bus stop, I thought I'd walk down to the next stop cos I got there early, but then it came while I was halfway between the 2 stops and I ended up having to wait another hour. ): this also happens in the mornings when I wake up too early and think OHHH I'VE GOT AGES, then do everything super slowly and end up actually late.

It's not exactly GOOD to be late, but maybe it's not as bad as I thought when I was younger. It sometimes somehow just happens (although I still assert that it shouldn't; it's not exactly hard to be on time), and we shouldn't really stress too much and just go with the flow. Of course, there are certain things that should make you freak out if you're late hahahahaah, like, if your period is late. That's probably a good reason to freak out :P

But this morning wasn't too bad, I just ended up arriving at 10 past 9. On top of oversleeping, I ended up having to wait for a bird to cross the road since its wing was broken so it couldn't fly away, so I waited patiently for it to cross the road. Made me smile a bit as I saw it reunite with its parent bird on the other side of the road. Mehh yeah, just chillax and life is a bit happier. :)

SPRING...?

2011-09-09T09:26:00.004+12:00

So like normally I'd have a really nice blogpost on the first of September because spring represents new beginnings/end of cold harsh winter/hope/warmth etc etc but this year what happened?

Well it's not like I forgot. But September 1 this year just wasn't that special. I remember I parked my car a bit from school because I wanted to walk in on the first of spring to enjoy the weather, but halfway there it started raining and I got drenched. So, not really an enthusiastic start to the season. Then with the added stresses of upcoming exams and viruses flying around the start to this month has been honestly pretty shit. I've been sick for a few days now; on Wednesday I pushed myself to go to school even though I had a fever because I had to get this french internal done. I woke up at 6am that morning with this pounding headache and muscle aches but went in anyway, and tanked the whole day (which may or may not have been a wise thing to do, but sure as hell shows me that I can get through things if I have the willpower), even drove there and back... when I got home I took a really really long hot shower and went to sleep.... although I woke up feeling like I was on fire and still headache, so I took my temperature... 38.6 degrees. YUPPPPP I'm sick. It's k, I've been taking my brother's prescription paracetamol since then so it hasn't been as high as that since. Although that night it randomly dropped to 34 degrees after dinner. I was experiencing mild hypothermia. I guess you could say my health is really fucked up right now?

So yeah yesterday I stayed at home. I missed like 4 photos and kept getting txts like WHERE ARE YOU???? ): SIGH... Instead I ended up watching grave of the fireflies and the notebook at home. Both were very good but I didn't cry in either. I don't really know why everyone keeps making the notebook out to be the saddest thing everrrrrr... I kept expecting something really big to happen but it never did. I went into school during lunchtime with my mum for the upenn talk. It wasn't that useful but made me realise that I need to get my shit together and start my uni applications like asap. Which of course just adds to the long list of stuff I have to do. ):

So as you can tell today I'm also staying home due to my retarded cold, near OD-ing on pills and shit, and it's only the 9th. To come: finishing my painting board, studying for mocks, studying for SAT, uni applications -- filling them out, getting references and writing essays, studying for externals. And all before november is over. IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT SPRING.........

I'm starting to experience what Mr. Torrie referred to as 'going off the rails' last year. I'm starting to wonder what's the point of all this, to the point where on Wednesday I really could not give 2 shits about how bad my french internal went. I mean I had stuff prepared, I just didn't use any of it in the end, and had a lot of awkward pauses in the conversation where I had to think of stuff to say. I don't know if it was because my attitude has gotten more lax or just because I'm sick. Because, I told myself, I didn't need those credits -- but that's never been an excuse. It's not a competition with the system, it's a competition with yourself. But when you can't be bothered competing anymore, what's left? It's been long enough I think, and I'm ready for uni. Even if I don't know exactly what I'll be doing yet, I'm ready to start something afresh. High school has begun to get too old and stale for my tastes. That's why I think it's so hard for me to focus lately. And this last run of important exams is just...... ughhhhh....

Fuck Spring 2011. This is what Spring is supposed to be like:

(november 2010, cornwall park)

Welll, it's probably just the sickness talking. But I really am pretty worried about the rest of this year. At least the sky's blue today... makes me feel a little better.

I like to take personality tests when I procrastinate...

2011-08-30T19:54:00.003+12:00

http://psychcentral.com/personality-patterns/ TRY IT :)

Discover the top 10 traits out of 90 that uniquely describe you

Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.
You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.

Intellectual

You are thoughtful, rational, and comfortable in the world of ideas. People find you interesting to talk to. You're the living embodiment of the saying "You learn something new every day." In general, those with a high score on the "intellectual" trait are employed in such fields as teaching and research, and are enthusiastic about reading, foreign films, and classical music.
You do not avoid abstract conversation, experimenting with new ideas, or studying new things. It bores you to stick to the straight and narrow of what you already know.

Original

You are constantly coming up with new ideas. For you, the world as it exists is just a jumping-off place; what's going on inside your mind is often more interesting than what's going on outside.
You don't feel that the road to success is to be a realist and stick to the program; you never stop yourself from coming up with new ideas or telling the world what you're thinking about.

Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.
You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.

Innovative

You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.
You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.

Loose

You feel that a clean, orderly desk is the sign of a person who doesn't have enough to do. Schedules and "to do" lists feel stifling; you thrive on a sense that anything goes, and know that the world won't end if you don't clean up after finishing a job.
You don't need to know that everything is in its place; it is not empowering to you to feel that the world around you is neat and organized. Mowing down every item on your "to do" list, every day, does not bring you joy.

Assertive

You behave in a confident and forceful manner, take charge of the situation, raise your hand in class, stand up for what you think is right, and lead others. Among those who have a high score on the "assertive" trait, many have jobs in which they are valued for their organizational skills as well as their talent for supervising others.
You are not interested in fading into the woodwork, leaving everything to fate, taking more time than necessary to accomplish a task, or avoiding confrontation.

Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.
You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.

Optimistic

You are a "glass half-full" kind of person, always on the lookout for the silver lining. Your happiness is contagious, which is why others like to be around you.
You do not feel that the world is an intrinsically depressing place; you are not the kind of "realist" who thinks that only fools find joy in life.

Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.
You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.

just thinking

2011-08-24T22:19:00.002+12:00

You know, this morning I woke up feeling like I was in a time loop. It was the weirdest feeling ever. Last night I went to sleep at 9pm and woke up at 7am this morning, which may or may not explain something. Other than that my day was unremarkable, except that I had to do a resubmission for physics which freaked me out because there were so many errors and now I'm not sure if I'll be able to get an E or even an M because I had to doctor my method and results to make everything seem alright (Except he kept the original so it would be pretty obvious that I had doctored stuff, but then again is he allowed to count me down for that because he is supposed to mark the resubmission holistically as if he has never seen the original???) I think I'm rambling.

Anyway I don't think I ever mentioned this but I turned 18 at the end of last month. This made me realise some things about myself: I'm an adult and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

This was amplified when my cousin got married last week to a guy who she met 8 months ago and hasn't even been in the same country with for the majority of said 8 months. She moved to the states 3 weeks ago to live with him, they got engaged at the beginning of last week, and they were married on Friday. From the people I've talked to, it's not just me who thinks that is ridiculously rushed and fast. This scares the bejesus out of me. And since the guy is a family friend who my mum has known since he was little, the chance of divorce is extremely low; my cousin is a very traditional chinese bride and this guy was her first boyfriend even after a bachelors and masters in auckland university engineering. Not saying he's a bad guy, he seems like really good guy for her, and he takes the most amazing photos (link to his flickr)

Wait, what's my point? Well, I realised that I am completely different to her and cannot look to her for guidance. And I have nobody else to look to either, because after her I'm the oldest of my generation in my family. I can't exactly fuck up considering my track record either. It's like climbing a mountain without safety ropes with my bare hands, now I'm far enough from the bottom that when I look down it's scary and if I fell it would be catastrophic, yet when I look up I can't really see the next hand or foothold and there is no observable peak.

When I think about myself sometimes I am disgusted. I know a lot of people think that I am confident in myself and my decisions and thoughts, but actually I'm not. I'm human just like everyone else, and I feel pathetic sometimes when I realise the facade I put on. I wonder if everyone else is the same, or if it's just me putting on such a mask to fit in. I know a lot of people also think that I'm self-righteous and too stubborn for my own good. I think I know that about myself but don't really want to admit it too much because I prefer to keep cool about these kind of things. Maybe if I tell myself that I don't care then I won't care in reality. To some extent I think that's worked, but it still concerns me a bit when I hear about people saying that about me. I know when they say it they don't intend for me to ever really find out so I'm not really blaming them, and actually it annoys me that I'm bothered by it at all.

When I look at my actions sometimes I can't understand them. The other day I was driving to the orthodontist and for some reason I took the wrong turn, even though I know the way. The whole time I was turning, my brain was screaming "you're going the wrong way, where are you going???" but I kept going. It's like when I walked past a 20 dollar note on the ground as well, my brain was screaming PICK IT UP, but I just kept walking. Why? I wish I knew. My body doesn't listen to reason, or maybe my brain is just irrational subconsciously.

Actually words can't fully describe how I feel. Language really limits emotion. I wish I could pour my feelings out of my brain (and heart, although technically it comes from the brain...) and into this blog so you could actually feel a little of what I'm feeling; human emotion is perhaps the most isolated in the world; no matter where you go in the world, whatever you do, whoever you meet, you can't ever reach into them and feel what they are feeling for real. No matter how empathetic you are, you cannot ever be sure what it is that everyone else is feeling. This realisation has ruined so many happy moments for me to be honest. When I'm in a situation when everyone is happy, I sometimes stop to think if everyone is really happy or if some people are pretending. This in turn makes me stop being happy if I was actually happen and start pretending myself.

Mrs L's quote,

«Il ne faut pas avoir peur du bonheur. C'est seulement un bon moment à passer.» ~ Romain Gary

sounds good in theory but it's too hard to control your thoughts and feelings. Even if I wanted to enjoy my moment of happiness, sometimes I can't because I'm thinking too much.

This blogpost is incredibly badly structured and fragmented. I guess that's the state of my mind at the moment. If I look back to my teenage years, I think I can treat everything between 13 and 16 as one chapter and after 16 as another. Maturity wise I think after 16 I've plateaued a bit. I can feel growth coming right now a bit, but that's something I can reflect on in another 6 years. I actually can't remember 13-16 very clearly, but every now and again very strong memories come back and it's like I've been hit over the head and can't believe I didn't think of that memory before. It's very odd. Is it that nothing from those years were significant enough to me? I don't get it. Some things definitely shaped who I am today, so why can't I remember them?

I'm 18 and I still don't understand myself fully. When will it be before I know what I am? Even if I seem sure of myself to others I can't lie to myself. And even then, some other people see through me easily. Maybe when I'm 25...

No I won't be bothered to reorganise this post. It will be incredibly uncomfortable for someone trying to read it but whatever it's my blog I do what I want.

pot luck #4

2011-08-14T15:57:00.007+12:00

It's been a long time since I've updated properly and there's been a lot of stuff that's happened that I wanna talk about and blog about but just didn't get the time/motivation to actually do it, so I guess this is gonna be a pot luck post.

for any new readers of my blog POT LUCK is the series of random posts I do from time to time with little things that I think of that aren't big enough to warrant their own posts, + anything else random that may come up at the time.

Well firstly, last night was grammar ball :) I had a pretty good time, although time seemed to go by quite fast and I can't even remember what I actually did to pass so much time because we weren't dancing for long lol... slept at 9.30 this morning, woke up at 1.30 in the afternoon. ughhh so fucked. almost lost all of my voice, sore throat, blocked nose..... omg so sick ):

hehehe love you yujie.

I have also recently learnt a lot about people? or something like that. Anyway on Friday morning I was reading an old email from an old friend and it made me realise something -- the odd thing is, I'm not exactly sure what I realised, but it made me feel good. Then more recently I was just thinking and I realised some more things, of which I am also not sure of the specifics. I guess it's like, thinking about why people do the things they do, and how their emotions really do dictate their actions. But then, many people hide their feelings really well. I'm someone who wants to know what people are thinking, and most of the time I think I can get pretty close on the superficial level, but for the deeper emotions it's harder to understand; there are lots of people I see where I just can't get what's happening in their heads when they do the things they do. It may be to do with a lack of consistency (but all humans exhibit all actions to some extent anyway), but I'm starting to question whether on the fundamental level everyone is the same.

I'm just going to take the example of sexual attraction here. When you're little, you tend to like 1 person and tease them or however primary school kids show that they like someone else. When people find out, they will tease you about that person all the time. But sexual attraction is not limited to 1 person at a time; it's more common that you will like more than one person at once. This I know is universal. But what differs from person to person is what they choose to do with these separate attractions I think... that's what I find interesting to observe. You get the players that just try to go for everything they want at once, or those who choose to ignore some of their attractions and just go for the one they like the most (although sometimes this isn't possible because you can't choose), or those who keep oscillating or those who decide to not do anything at all. Actually I'm not sure if many people even realise that they subconsciously are attracted to so many people... well I for one am willing to admit it at least :/

Another reason I find this point interesting is the question of what's worse -- cheating emotionally vs cheating physically. Personally I think that cheating emotionally is 'worse' in the sense that it hurts more, but I also find it more understandable, because it's natural to like someone else and you can't really control your emotions, and if you cheat physically it's like you don't respect the other person enough to actively go out of your way to cheat on them, so that's 'worse' in the sense that the person who does it is a douche. actually after I asked this question on formspring, most people didn't give a definitive answer because both are bad. interesting.

And that also made me question, what makes people like people more and more? Something I still haven't answered. But if feelings are so ubiquitous and spontaneous as they seem, then maybe nothing means anything. But I'm sure that some people's feelings must be stronger than that... deep love must have some kind of foundation... mmmm well I'm currently falling in love with a certain amazing guy (: and I'm finding as time goes on the more I forget about the instinctive attractions... so i'd like to know that there's some meaning in that at least.

and wow it's been like 2 hours and I still haven't written that much hahahaha fail... keep getting distracted by msn facebook and google+ and testing chen's program for photo uploading onto it. it actually works pretty well, chen's amazing.

did you guys ever realise that the economy is restaurant city is retarded? there's a barter system where every ingredient is apparently worth the same amount (eg. water is the worth the same as lobster)which is like, 4000-7000 bucks on the ingredient market, apparently the same cost as half a roof and several tables and chairs. then again, dishes last infinite time so you could say a lifetime's supply of those ingredients would be on average 10x4000=40000 gold (levelling the dish to level 10) -- but each dish sold is only worth 2 gold, so that means a lifetime's supply of ingredients = 40000/2 = 20000 = 20000 dishes must be sold to earn back what you spent on that dish. HOWEVER, I guess it's true that you do get a free ingredient every day... which also makes no sense because in life nothing is free apart from the air we breathe :/ I also can't believe that a table is worth 1200 gold in this game. that's 600x more expensive than a dish of food. I mean the average meal I eat is 10 bucks, so that's like saying a table should be worth 600x10=6000 dollars in real life. NOOO WAYYY..... ok rant over lol, this game's economy makes no sense.

watch this!!!! it's so cool :)

I feel artsy.

2011-08-07T22:28:00.004+12:00

He used his voodoo magic

and slashed open her ribcage

passion waterfalling

arrhythmia growing

drinking the life elixir

until it is barren and hard as diamond

He is the surgeon

who stitched her back

each pinprick pierce perfectly positioned

yet uncomfortable, unnatural

closing a gorge that had grown for centuries

The rivers are refilling now

diamonds softening, drought ending

But when she bleeds

Is it from an old open wound

Or from the needle that digs into her skin?

Mrs Reid and the Lightbulb Adventure

2011-07-23T09:45:00.007+12:00

BTW this is a dream.

It all started in the art department, which for some reason had my house on top of it. I was in my room and it was getting dark, and I tried to turn on the light but they wouldn't turn on. In fact all the rooms in the house had bulbs that wouldn't turn on and for some reason MKD said it's cos all the light bulbs are blown, so I need to go out to get some more. At this moment Mrs Reid walks thru the art dept and she's like "come with me I have something to show you" and MKD was like "can you give her some extra lightbulbs on your way" so we set off on our adventure ....

turns out all she wanted to show me was these new cups and water cooler in the school atrium. there was this other group of y13s there as well, and some of them were like involved with a photoshoot for school magazine, and it was like a model shoot LOL, there was one where Mrs Reid and Kim were like posing in a tree, and while we walked past the robertson building I saw Miss Clark (the year 7 teacher with the white hair) climbing up the tree with her whole y7 class looking from below making sure she doesn't fall hahahaahahah

Then when we were in the atrium she asked us if we would do the shoot again next year, and Kim was like "but I'll be with my brother in university" and someone else said "and I'll be buying diamonds and pearls and getting married to my rich husband" and Mrs Reid was like "what! we can't lose you to men" and the girl replied "i don't know then, you should've known when, you decided to use for this photoshoot year thirTENS." guys I make poems in my DREAMS. HOW EPIC AM I.

So anyway after that we went to see the year 7 and 8 french lunch or something (which is not even a real event at school), and someone had written "WELCOME TO FRANCH" above the glass doors going out of robertson next to the conference room next to the hall. nobody except me noticed that they misspelt "france" ... or maybe it was meant to be like that?

Anyway they had STYROFOAMED THE ENTIRE HALL, like outside it was just an extra coating of styrofoam in the same shape, so that the hall looked exactly the same except fatter and made out of styrofoam. I was like "what happened here" and mrs reid said "it's so that the children don't break the hall." LOL. We walked in and it was like how the tables are set up in King's College's dining hall, rows and rows of rectangular tables with like 10 seats around them. Kings boys were there as well. I had no idea that we had that many year 7s and 8s at our school hahaahahaha. Some of them were wearing wizard hats. I remember looking down and I was wearing my gold nikes.

After that we exited the hall and Mrs Reid was like "well I have a meeting now so I'll have to go back, I guess you should all go to your classes" or something along those lines, but we STILL HADN'T GOTTEN LIGHTBULBS so I was like "but I still need to get lightbulbs!" she didn't say anything and just walked off. At this moment I saw a flying slowpoke (the pokemon) and I decided to chase it. there were speed bars next to it like in a racing game. IT WAS GOING AT 140KM/H. I was just running after it, and when I did 2 more popped up, green and blue (the first one was the normal pink colour). I had to run faster, but I got that feeling you get in dreams when no matter how hard you try you feel like you're going really slow, but the speedbar said we were going at 207KM/H.......

anyway I ended up chasing them to this beach and they disappeared in to the grass, and I could see the art dept/my house on the other side of the bay, but I was tired from running, so I sat down, and there was a meowth there with all his meowth friends making chocolate money. I asked if I could have some and he threw me a gold 50c and a silver 50c. I ate the silver 50c and left the other one for my friend who was next to me suddenly for some reason (and I'm not sure who it was either).

And then randomly I woke up. Yup that's all haha.

why I want to be a weed-like flower

2011-07-19T17:29:00.004+12:00

Flowers are pretty. The gentle curve of the delicate petals that unfold to reveal its modest heart, flamboyant but fragile, beautiful and symbolic of an upper-class, expensive sophistication. A girl wears them in her hair, ties them into chains around her wrists, eagerly waits for a bouquet of a dozen red roses on Valentine's Day; flowers are indeed nature's jewels.

By contrast, weeds are ugly, and grow everywhere. No matter how much you try to get rid of them, they come back, persistently annoying. Weeds adapt to survive. They are not concerned with superficiality or prettiness; the innate goal is to simply thrive.

So the question is, would you rather be a flower, or a weed? To be a flower would be to stand as the tall poppy, beautiful, rare, sophisticated, better. Yet to be just a flower is to accept that you will be picked for your beauty, used for your assets and thrown away once you start to wilt. It's somewhat ironic that couples give each other flowers to show their love I suppose:

Roses only last like a couple weeks, and they really only exist to be pretty. That's like saying "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance!"(Bash.org, IronChef Foicite)

To be a weed would be to be able to adapt in any situation, but never be noticed for your assets. Versatile, but never noticed; sometimes even annoying people because you tend to be everywhere. But, no matter how much they try to get rid of you, you'll live on.

However, despite the common thought that weeds are ugly, flowers such as dandelions or daisies can sometimes be considered to be weeds because they tend to crop up and grow in places where they are not wanted. However, from this we can say that sometimes weeds are not ugly -- because flowers are pretty, right?

"To thy fair flower add the rank smell of weeds: But why thy odour matcheth not thy show, The soil is this, that thou dost common grow." (William Shakespeare)

Shakespeare agrees that in the same soil, both flowers and weeds will grow. I think this extends to the soil of our lives; we all have a bit of flower and weed in all of us. It's just important to accept both sides.

That's why, after thinking about it for a while, I decided that I would be a weed-like flower, so that even if I'm annoyingly adaptive and versatile, people will still love me because I'm awesome. I think it's important to be robust like a weed, yet make sure your abilities and potential are noticed like a flower. For example, if I were a dandelion, people could blow me apart but I'd always float peacefully on and land safely to grow again, bigger and better. And if I were a daisy, I'd be content that I'd be everywhere for people to pick and tie into chains for their wrists, so it's like I could be reassuringly holding their hand all the time, no matter where in the world they are. :)

- Daisy - by ldinami7e

Actually, it doesn't matter if you want me to be your daisy or not, if you see me as a flower or a weed. I hope to be a bit of both, and if you ever need a chain to be around your wrist I just want you to know that I'll be around, where ever you may be.

TRANSFORMERS 3: DARK OF THE MOON

2011-07-03T01:01:00.005+12:00

DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS!!!!

Ok gonna make this one short and sweet. Overall enjoyed the movie. I went into it expecting explosions and action, and I got explosions and action. Michael Bay knows what he's good at and I applaud him for making yet another visually stunning film. However I acknowledge there are things wrong with this movie:

1) Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. I accept that opinions will be divided but to me she's just not suited to the role. I found her annoying in scenes where she was being whiny and overall just a boring ass character who was obviously there to look hot. I mean come on, the 10 second scene where she's just standing there while explosions are going on behind her? Megan Fox was a better actress and filled the role better. I felt she had more offer in terms of plot and the dangerously-sexy character. Megan Fox can have dirt on her face and mud on her clothes and still look hot. Ok I acknowledge Fox stepped way out of line which is why she was taken off the franchise, which is unfortunate because Rosie Huntington was just too perfect through the entire film; her white blazer was still pristine by the end! WTF?! She looked like a Victoria's Secret model because that's just what she is. Her accent was distracting and her lines were boring; it's extremely obvious that an actress was replaced by an inferior model. Well that's just my opinion.

2) Slow beginning. I get that he was trying to set up the story but tbh I went in wanting explosions and didn't care so much for the story and felt the prelude was just a littleeee long. This also caused problems later on with the flow of the plot because it seemed that he needed to cram a lot more in a smaller due to what was sacrificed for the longer introduction.

3) Action scene flow. I agree with many here in that the ending was a little disappointing. The last action scene seemed to be just of OP (optimus prime.. who is also overpowered HAHAHAHA get it?!?!?) taking down Sentinel and Megatron. The whole thing lasted less than 30 seconds. I think in films action scenes are supposed to get bigger and bigger (moviemaking 101?) and imo it wasn't the best scene to end with, there were much better scenes in the movie. Maybe it was just to have it wind down a little? It was also kind of an abrupt ending, somewhat anticlimactic and seemed rushed. This may have been due to them not wanting it to drag on for too long but I think the pacing of the movie WAS a little weird (probably due to the long as introduction I talked about earlier) For me the best action scene was probably the one with shockwave going through the building. The animation on that thing was just amazing, it's a pity they let him die off so easily ):

4(?) is this a minus point?)The chances of a sequel???? I just feel that with so many characters dead the possibility of a 4th movie is slim. Although this is perhaps for the best because I DO NOT want Rosie Huntington in another transformers movie.

Despite all these though I enjoyed the film overall, I got what I wanted going in, lots of explosions, lots of awesome robots and cars, which is about as much as I can ask for from an action film. The dialogue was funnier than I expected, there were a lot of laugh out loud moments (although disappointing that Ken Jeong's character got killed off so early, his character was great comic relief). Animation was amazing as usual, music was good (well I may be biased cos im a LP fan). I'm happy with it :) I'd give it about a 7/10.

did I just write an entire rant about sex? omfg ==

2011-07-02T11:11:00.004+12:00

So I logged into tumblr this morning and saw this which had 44,733 notes and was featured on bestpostarchive....

My first thought was "oh that's cute." but then I realised that wtf, this chick is so damn condescending.

Does she think she's better than everyone else just because she didn't sleep with her boyfriend? It just seems like she's looking down on "a lot of girls in my grade" who "aren't virgins". I get that she was trying to show that she's 'breaking the mould' or whatever but it just comes off as snobby and pretentious. The situation is actually really simple. When she's at her boyfriend's house she can either A) have sex with him or B) not have sex with him (whatever she does if she's not going to have sex is irrelevant). It's a simple choice and there's no difference between them. If she wants to have sex with him because she loves him, good for her. If not, all good as well. It's not like one is the 'right' choice and one is the 'wrong' choice. It's like choosing to write your essay in blue pen or black pen. Some use blue and some use black. You wouldn't judge them differently for choosing something different to you, especially if it doesn't concern you in any way what colour their essay is in. So, girl on tumblr, NOSE OUT OF EVERYONE ELSE'S BUSINESS. Go and bake stuff with your boyfriend and have fun. Don't come home and blog about it because you think you're 'better' than everyone else.

I may be overreacting but it just annoys me when people put all this stigma on sex, especially if those girls who aren't virgins did it because they loved the guy or something. This is the stigma which in our society is the underlying factor of gender inequality and prejudice. By suggesting that sex is somehow "wrong" is to go against basic human nature. Why would social constructs aim to go against evolutionary values? I just don't get it.

The whole thing about girls needing to be chaste as well, it puts a lot of pressure on girls (but never guys notice!!!). And as we have just seen from the example above, it is the girls who put this pressure on each other. If it were the guy, he really doesn't care what he does with his girlfriend, whether it is sex or baking cookies, both are equal acts of love. And he certainly wouldn't come home and blog about not having sex with his girlfriend. Why does the girl put so much emphasis on sex? Because society dictates it. I guess in that way I can't really blame the writer above because she's just being a sheep of society (as with most of the mindless drones around us), and perhaps my expectations of humanity are simply too high, but still, it just annoys me =__=

The iffy thing about feminism is that there's so many ways to say the same thing. Okay women want equal rights as men concerning the double standard regarding sleeping around. Does that mean they should try to sleep around to prove a point? Or does it mean they should stop everyone from having sex at all to make the men see that the women are in control? As with the 'slut walks' a few weeks ago as well (where women protested in the streets naked against blaming women for getting raped because "they were dressed provocatively"), I think that was a retarded as way to get their point across. Yes I think there's a problem with a society where we teach "don't get raped" instead of "don't rape", but in my opinion they went about it in perhaps the worst way possible. Okay to be fair they raised awareness in attracting attention. But will it really help in the way they did it?

I'd like to think that what I decide or not decide to do with my own body is my own choice, and that other people can get on with their own lives without judging me for what I do with what's mine. I mean if I had a ball and I could choose whether to carry it in my left hand or my right hand, whether to throw it in the air or to throw it out the window, nobody would care. Why is virginity any different?

Oh, women. Sometimes the things you do and say make me see where the misogynists are coming from. And it really makes me question whether I'm just as dumb as you ):

unfinalised fantasies

2011-06-30T20:35:00.003+12:00

So today I logged into msn and saw one of my contacts listening to "suteki da ne" from final fantasy x. I actually thought wow, it's been ages since I've listened to that. So I went on youtube and youtubed it... and boom nostalgia.

Some backstory. Around about year 5, I went through this obsession with final fantasy. It was around the same time that x-2 came out. the funny thing is, despite this obsession, I never actually played it. The only ff game I have ever played is the original ff7, which I didn't actually play until about 2 years ago & I have not even finished. It's really strange that something that didn't really take up a huge part of my life can affect me so much, isn't it? At that time I knew all the main characters' names from VII to X, listened to the songs and at some point even started conversing to another friend who was as obsessed as me in Al Bhed. I drew a lot of fanart and read a lot of fanfiction... I remember distinctly going into EB games once and seeing the release manual for X-2 and wanting it so badly...

Wtf was wrong with me you ask? I don't know. I just remember it was somehow a big part of my life at some point. And watching that video just brought back all the memories and I felt something in my heart. I was watching it and thinking how most people have never heard of it. How most people will see it as just another video game. I wonder if playing it would have done that for me too? Final Fantasy is so much more than just that for me though. It represents a part of my childhood and is just special to me, for no particular reason or another that I can remember, even though I never even played it. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it means more to me than to people who have actually had it take up more of their lives.

And actually it's not just this song. It seems that most FF songs, whether it be instrumental or sung, just have that effect on me. They're just heartbreakingly beautiful. I really don't know any other way to describe them. I'm serious, my heart actually hurts when I listen to them. I never had this experience with feeling so strongly when listening to any piece of music before.

There is just some kind of ethereal quality to them. I remember at that time when I was obsessed with it it was just taking over my life. I don't remember it clearly either, which is maybe why it seems to be such a big deal in my head. If I think about it now, it's totally illogical. Life is set in reality, not in a video game. What made it so powerful for me? Perhaps my then still idealistic visions of life and love? Is that part of me still buried somewhere deep deep inside? Regardless, watching that video and listening to that song that is so sweetly familiar and yet so distant... my past was still able to brush against my heartstrings.

It's not often that I'm hit with a wave of nostalgia strong enough too feel like the wall of ignorance fell over my head. And I just find it somewhat interesting that it's this of all things, which was never a formal part of my life at all that had this effect. Like in its own story where in a last ditch effort to save their company, Square Enix poured all their resources into a game that would be their 'final fantasy' (and it was wildly successful and has spawned to this day over 12 sequels), the fantasy I had in my youth is seeming to go on after being pretty much forgotten for all these years. Despite how much I've grown and 'matured' (if you can consider it that?), something as simplistic as this video game that I have never even played can make me experience something so amazing.... the fantasy is obviously not over.

But then, perhaps it ought to stay that way? We all still need a little bit of idealism in our lives.

SO PRETTTYYYYY.......... square enix is amazing ):

the paradox of my meaningless life

2011-06-29T19:28:00.004+12:00

There's just something about my life (perhaps not my life exclusively, a lot of people probably feel this way) that makes me think there's some kind of weird out-of-balance thing going on. On one hand, I'm as busy as ever, I can think of soooo much stuff I need to do in the near future, as well as worrying about the long term future and uni and all that, but on the other hand nothing seems to be happening and I spend the majority of my evenings relaxed and doing nothing and realising the next day that I actually have heaps of stuff to do. I have a stack of books on my bedside table that I tell myself that I don't have time to read yet, but I spend the majority of my time at home doing unproductive things like facebook, msn and blogging.

I often get these moments of 'clarity' when I just mentally step back from whatever I'm doing, pause and time seems to stop for a while and I take in what I'm doing, and I feel like I can feel the entire world around me, and I can FEEL the solidity of the ground and walls and the air beyond them. I don't know why they come, but they do, just randomly, and it's those moments I feel the most alive kind of. Most of the time I feel like something's clouding over my mind, as if I'm just in a dream. Perhaps that's why my memories seem to be clearer than actual events as they are happening. Often I will think back to even what happened a few moments ago and think, "did that really happen? Can't believe that happened so quickly..." I want to live in the present so badly but it just doesn't happen like that. Is that what it's like for everyone? Or just weird people like me? It's frustrating to feel like you missed out on half the experience cos you weren't thinking about at the time.

We all want meaning in our lives to some degree I think. Meaning in what we do, but how often do we think about the reality of what that even... means??? (totally unintentional pun there but hahahahaa) At this time when it seems the only time I ever talk to mum is when she's talking to me about university, I'm forced to wonder... if I do X, will I be happy? Or would it be better to go and do Y? Or maybe it will make no difference? Would I eventually end up doing what i want to regardless of what I do in uni? Is that a direction that I just have to direct myself towards? It's so hard to answer these questions when I don't even know where I want to end up. How can we start a journey if we don't know where we want to be at the end of it?! Life in today's society is not like a backpackers voyage..

Lack of long term motivation's always been my problem. Ever since I was old enough to start thinking independently... I'd always ask myself, WHY am I doing this? What do I even want? I don't know!!!!! I'm so jealous of those people who have extreme passion for what they want to do. Anything goes with me. I have no extreme convictions or preferences. They just come and go, and I can't trust something like that... What do I do... I like things, yes. But I don't like anything especially, or enough, to pursue it without thinking about anything else. I'm too accepting. I'm too adaptive. Normally it would be a good trait but in this situation, given the luxury of choice... I really don't know what to do with it. I should just be creative and make it work somehow. But creativity operates best when there's no pressure. When I feel like everyone's on my back, how can I work my creativity?

It's honestly everywhere. Even at speed dating, most people were asking what my plans are for last year. It's completely inescapable, and I feel like eventually I'm going to be backed into a corner and suffocated with an ultimatum of choice. Having this thought always plaguing the back of my mind, I still have a billion other things I have to do in the short term... it's really paralyzing. Maybe that's the reason I never get anything done. When I have too much to do or think about... I just want to escape to hedonism and ignore all my problems and just get high on the more ephemeral kind of happiness....

It's not like I'm depressed or anything though. I go through most days with a stark neutrality, like I'm just trying to get on with it and get through unscathed. Survive. But I don't want to do that... obviously I want to be actually motivated and know what I'm doing. I guess I'm a go with the flow kind of person. Perhaps too much, to the point where I go with the flow so trustingly that I can shut my eyes and let the current take me where ever it wants. I don't want to make my own choices, especially about big things like this. The luxury of choice is really a curse...

Don't know what to do. Like I'm stuck in the middle of a vast still lake, with no current to carry me along, sitting in a sinking boat with oars that are too heavy to lift.

The best boat by Mossan

So like I haven't updated in ages...

2011-06-26T18:14:00.006+12:00

What's been going in in my life you wonder? WELLL..... as you know, Blanche came over so we've been going to all sorts of cool touristy places... it's weird cos you never really visit these places when you live in the city. It's like how when I was in Paris her dad told me he hasn't visited the louvre in like 15 years haha. People really think that there's nothing to do in NZ but I learnt in this last month that there's actually heaps to do if you're a tourist lol...

rotorua/taupo trip :) I'M A BLACK SWANNNN

we went to the zoo :)

and to kelly tarltons~~ i never realised that stingrays are actually kinda cute haha but we watched the lady feed them and the way she talked about them made them seem really cute~~

AND I GOT MY BRACES OFF :)

And then today we went to waiheke :D

And yesterday I had my final MAX exam, which went terribly, I don't even wanna.. =__= just wait for results to come out eh... definitely not an A+ ugh. In a way I feel like I should have invested more time in it, but.... it's kinda hard with my hectic life hahahahaha. now that MAX has ended I have more time to invest in the ball I guess @@

Went to see XMEN first class last week, IT WAS GOOD and it made me fall slightly in love with james mcavoy *___* I mean just look at him :)

I've started using tumblr a lot more as well due to procrastinatory habits (yes I did just make up an adjective form of "procrastination")

Also I am currently in love with this song :)

Aaaaand, we went back to the chinese restaurant from the previous post and the same waitress was a lot more cheerful this time around and it made me smile :)

dear lady waitress

2011-06-05T23:05:00.002+12:00

dear lady waitress,
why do you look so sad?
your wrinkles like deep roots
clinging onto your face
growing into diamonds
in the corners of your
downwards-draping eyes

the only colour I see
is in your mass-produced
green
woven uniform
clashing with the rosiness
of a little inverse crescent moon
glowing disdain onto the world

yet the sleekness of your hair
and the elegance of your hands
give you away;
you are not a sad lady, waitress
still in the morning of your life
although it is dark outside
and we dine around you
as you invisibly bring us our peking duck
with such sadness in your eyes

I can see past it, waitress;
yet I wonder why
you don't smile?

-----------

inspired by a waitress at dinner 2 nights ago

winter!

2011-06-01T16:33:00.005+12:00

It's the 1st of June today. Finally winter has arrived for 2011 ... despite all the freezing cold days we had in the middle of autumn the first day of winter wasn't so bad. The sky is blue outside, and it was pretty warm because of the sun. Today was a pretty nice day.

Hmmm what's on my mind? It's the middle of exams. Just wanna get through this week....

Some good things happen in my life, and some bad (?) things happen in my life too. Pretty neutral right now, so it's good haha. I think I can keep this up. Actually it's pretty interesting, when I was writing my english essay today in my exam it made me think of my own life lol.... this caused my Lear essay to come out really circular and pedantic in places and I didn't really like it but oh well :/ that's what you get for not planning properly???

Actually this year is really short. We only get 3 terms, and this term is split in half cos of exams, and next term we have exams too... I think graduation is gonna creep up on us really quickly. I don't really know if I want to graduate though. I'm probably gonna cry ): Growing up is so hard....

hummmm I guess I'm just in a very random floaty mood today? I was pretty tired in my physics exam, couldn't be bothered... like the paper just seemed sooooo long.

Very true I think.

"You can't change your situation. The only thing you can change is the way you deal with it.” ~50/50 Trailer

Yeah there's your wisdom from me today :) Gonna go see 50/50 when it comes out hahaha... in like... a year probably lol.

Oh well. Here's hoping this year's winter will be a good one. :)

[EDIT]
7.43pm.
Actually you know what, I just went back through some of my old entries, and I was so INSPIRED. Like actually. I don't know how I came up with all that crap to write back then, but I did. And also it annoys me because due to some editting errors huge chunks of some entries are missing now and it pisses me off cos it's like part of my life got deleted.

I don't have to talk about anything particularly philosophical or thought provoking to blog. I never did. Some people say I've changed a lot but actually if I go back to the inner workings of my mind back then I haven't changed that much at all. Except maybe now I'm less creative and have less to say, and stuff just doesn't flow as well when they come out of my brain into my fingers and onto the keyboard.

Back then I was not restricted by secrets, or not wanting people to know about me. I wasn't someone who had secrets. I had nothing to hide. I wish so badly that I was like that again... these days every 2nd thing I say I feel like someone's judging me. WHY? Is it that society was always like that and I was just blissfully ignorant or is it just that as we grow up people's mentality actually goes backwards in maturity? I just don't understand!!!!!

I know not what to make
of your
half thought
stupidly solid
'expertise'
that you can say
who I am
where I do not understand
'myself'

I AM A LOCKED WINDOW
Yet you have never tried
looking at the door

it was open until
you blocked it off
with empty boxes and balloons
and then left them there
and walked away
complaining
about the window being locked

nobody can get in now
thanks a lot, jerk.

the power of music

2011-05-22T00:00:00.003+12:00

I think the quote above is so potent. As NZ music month draws to a close, I can't help but write the post on music that I never got around to before. Personally, I don't consider myself a particularly musical people. Compared to all the amazing musicians I know, I'm worse than an amateur.

When I was 10, having just been accepted to St. Cuth's, my mum had this idea that everyone there would be able to play a musical instrument. So, she made me start learning the piano so I wouldn't be disadvantaged when I went there in year 7. I didn't particularly like it at first; I hated the practice... but over time it really grew on me. As the songs I could play got more complex and better sounding, not so juvenile and simple, I began to like it more and more. Over the next 6 years, I had lessons with 3 different teachers and sat a grade 5 music theory exam. I never took any formal performance grades. It came to a point where I no longer had time to invest so much time in piano, so I stopped taking lessons. My once perpetually short nails were left to grow for weeks before I had to cut them, and the piano grew a layer of dust over its cover. But, I still printed sheet music to play around with. If I try to play any of them they are never perfect and I can't be bothered to practise them until they are. That's why when I hear performance pieces played by people at school I'm always so amazed that they can get through the whole thing without making a single mistake. Even when I had lessons and we had concerts, I would always have at least 1 slip up in every performance. Maybe I'm just not suited for playng music?

Apart from the piano, I also own 2 guitars that I play around with sometimes. I have no idea about proper strumming techniques and my fingers are nowhere near calloused or well trained enough to play for long periods of time. Plus my fingers are short so bar chords are really hard for me. But it's nice to have that minor hobby. Being able to play some really basic chords is enough for people to think you know how to play tbh... when I was younger I really wanted to learn the violin as well. There was something attractive to me about its elegance and the serene aura of someone playing it. A lot of my friends played the violin as well, which made me jealous. My mum wanted me to play cello at one point as well, but I thought it was a little big for me at age 10 haha. Hmmm, and lots of people have told me I seem like a flute player. I find flutes very elegant as well haha. Mannn I wish I was more talented.

Leopold Stokowski's quote really does ring true to me though. As an artist, I can related to painting on a canvas. I can't help but think how much harder it is to paint on silence; painting on a canvas is simply transforming 2 dimensional space. Sculpture even is just a permutation of 3 dimensional space. But music.... being able to manipulate the 4th dimension, time, is amazing. Once you play a note, that note is forever trapped in the past. If it's the wrong note, we can't go back to change it whereas on a canvas we can simply cover it with something else. The whole musical piece is like a painting that can only be experienced over a period of time. However, where in art we can spend hours staring at a work studying all its intricacies, a piece of music is ephemeral and has a fleeting nature that makes it all the more elusive and precious. Music seems to be the only everyday way for us to master 4 dimensions. Listening to a piece of music over time is stirring as we react once and only once to every note, and we react differently when all these notes are strung together. With only 12 notes, music has the power to anger, placate, stir happiness or melancholy. Even with billions of shades of colour, art simply does not have the same power. One is more likely to be moved to tears by a piece of music than a painting. Each time music is played, something is different. The air moves differently, the pluck of a string leaves a different vibration, the feeling invoked is not the same; music is forever changing. Would it not be a miracle to see a painting that changed every time we looked at it?

I'm really inspired by music, even if it is not as big a part of my life as it is of others. Music's beauty in an aural sense intrigues me; to someone who deals with visual aesthetics mainly, the idea of something that can also be 'beautiful' that we cannot see but still detect with our other senses is fascinating. There's just something precious about the untouchable quality of music suspended in time. Each arpeggio, staccato, acciaccatura... once played and heard, disappears into the past, never to be experienced again. Are you listening? Music is transient. Don't just look at the world around you, remember to just stop sometimes and take in all the sounds as well; otherwise, you'll miss that beautiful harmony that will never be played ever again.

if I dated myself...

2011-05-14T22:22:00.004+12:00

I wanted to make this blogpost last night when I had nothing to do. OMGGGGG did realise that BLOGSPOT is an anagram of BLOGPOST??? :OOOO I just realised when I typed this holy shit.

anyway, what would your relationship be like if you dated someone just like you...? (in my case, a guy who is like the male version of me).

Hmmm. He would be tall, have a strong jawline and wear glasses :) He would have really hairy arms and hands. He would have comparatively small hands and feet. He would be really weird at times, immature at some times and serious in others. Annoying when bored. Shy sometimes. Gentleman :) He would be deep at times and cbf in others. He would be a total nerd.

We will go through phases of questioning our love for each other and tend to ignore the other person for a while before we miss them and come back. It's fine if these times coincide with each other tbh lol because it's annoying when I'm trying to avoid someone and they keep trying to find me... We'd probably have a lot of conversations about what loving someone really means. But in the end I'd know we feel the same way about each other no matter if it's love or not so it doesn't matter.

But he would always be a total romantic on valentines day.

If we lived together, we could go days without talking to each other. I could come home and see him doing his own thing and I'd say hi and go off and do my own thing. If we had a child it would probably be the most neglected thing ever HAHAHA... Our house would be messy as hell and we'd have to hire a cleaner. We'd watch movies together every time we're bored and feel like it. He likes chick flicks and I like action movies involving hot girls.

We'd critique each other's appearance in our heads but tell the other person they're really good looking :P

If I txted him sometimes he wouldn't reply and I'd get upset and think he's ignoring me. So if he txts me sometimes and I don't reply then he'll get upset and think I'm ignoring him. Or maybe we'd never txt each other since I never really txt anyone but wait for them to txt me... LOL thinking about this is so weird.

I wonder if a relationship with a male me would ever work out lol. It's pretty weird thinking about it, but we seem to complement each other okay? It would be a livable life hahahaha.

In life news, I went to Wellington again last Tuesday for the NZ Top Scholars' prizegiving ceremony, and WOOWWW everyone is soooo smart. I feel so privileged to even be in their presence omg ): must work harder. Came 3rd in the nationals for NZYPT today tho :) found that new ipod shuffle has a crappy design in that the clip can't really be used without accidentally pressing the back button... life is so busy!!!! ): no time to update blog or even to think about something to write about.

I really don't care about the anti-asian stuff in the news lately or w/e, I think the media has sensationalised it further than it's worth, what the guy is trying to say isn't even as a bad as people are thinking, he's also ignorant and is therefore not worth my time nor attention. anyone who lets themselves get seriously angry about this guy is imo just playing into his stupidity, he's just looking for attention. i realise I'm somewhat hypocritical for even including such a paragraph here so I will just stop talking about it now.

In response to people freaking out about 2012

2011-05-04T22:59:00.004+12:00

This is my geo schol essay from a few weeks ago, with the endnotes/references taken out. thanks to tian for helping me with the introduction. got a 7/8 for this one :)

like seriously you superstitious people... calm the fuck down.

Critically evaluate the following quote:
“The impact of natural disasters has risen dramatically over the past 20 years.”
Over the past 20 years, the economic, physical and psychological impact of natural disasters has risen dramatically mainly due to the two largest differences between the world now and the world 20 years ago – our population is much greater and our technology far more advanced. Population growth and urbanisation consequently lead to pressure to settle on marginal land and develop more built environments that could be potentially damaged, whereas the development of technology and industry makes us both more at risk and more aware of natural disasters when they occur. Superstitions also to some extent increase the psychological impact of natural disasters on humans more than they did 20 years ago (See fig1)

Fig 1:

The effect of population growth on the growing impact of disasters is evident if the definition of a ‘natural disaster’ is analysed – a disaster is only devastating if it affects humans. Since there are more humans on Earth compared to 20 years ago (in 1990 the world population was around 5.2 billion – in 2010 it was 6.8 billion ), when a natural disaster strikes it is likely to cause more deaths than 20 years ago simply due to the fact that there are more people around. Furthermore, due to the increase in population, humans have had the need to inhabit areas that are perhaps not ideal for living, either due to lack of other spaces or for resources. In the past, the most devastating floods have been on the banks of Yellow River in China (it is speculated that up to 4 million people may have died due to a Yellow River flood in 1931 ), where a lot of people lived for the richness of the soil. In the last 20 years, as economic growth has become a priority of many countries, populations have inclined towards trade routes, especially ports and coasts. San Francisco is such an area as despite the high frequency of earthquakes (thousands each year ); many people live there as it is a primary port for export and import of resources. The impact of natural disasters such as inundations and tsunamis has therefore risen due to the increase in population in these areas that make humans more susceptible to them.

Humans have also relocated themselves into more concentrated city populations (in 1975 about 40% of the world’s population lived in large cities, in 2005 it was 60% ) where economic and industrial growth has created a more built environment that could potentially be damaged. The impact of natural disasters on the economy has thus risen dramatically as there is a need to repair structures such as buildings or bridges that have been damaged as quickly as possible, mainly due to the large population in cities who require residence and transport. Additionally, most people die not directly from the earthquakes themselves but from their effects on the surrounding environment. The co-existence of densely packed structures and the concentrated population in large cities mean that when a natural disaster strikes, it becomes many times more dangerous due to the number of unstable structures.

It is not only development in industry that has increased the impact of natural disasters; major development of technology can also play a big part in increasing the consequent damage of disasters. For instance, the 2011 Japanese tsunami became much more devastating and dangerous due to the presence of nuclear technology ; the threat of radioactive contamination would not have existed had an earthquake occurred in the past.

The nature of communication in the modern world is also much more technologically advanced than in the past. When there is a natural disaster, the news is able to reach many more people than before, in a fraction of the time it used to -- the mental and emotional impact caused by natural disasters has certainly risen dramatically. Over time, most of the Earth’s geographical area has also been mapped out due to the rising population. Where an earthquake could occur without anybody’s knowledge before, it is almost certain now that it will be reported due to people inhabiting most of the world’s land area. Humans have also developed more sensitive seismographic tools and knowledge of the movement of tectonic plates that they did not possess in the past and are far more able to cope with even small scale events. Humans are now even able to predict the likelihood of a natural disaster occurring in the near future (Many disaster warning systems was only implemented in the 1990s ). This means that the number of reported and recorded natural disasters has definitively increased from 20 years ago (see fig. 2, note significant increase in reports of natural disasters in 1990s, direct result of implemented warning systems). Obviously, people can only be affected by disasters that they have knowledge of, thus due to this increase in knowledge of the occurrences of natural disasters, the impact of such natural disasters also must increase.

Fig. 2 :

Natural disasters no longer simply affect those involved as victims, but the global population as a whole. When a natural disaster occurs in another part of the world, it is now expected that more able countries offer their aid – for instance, in response to Hurricane Katrina, nearly 100 other countries donated money, food or medical aid. The media plays a significant role in sensationalising natural disasters, the effect being that many more people not only know about a disaster when it occurs but also have access to images and footage taken of the event. Internet media and discussion boards also fuel this sensationalism as superstitions of the end of the Mayan calendar “2012” apocalypse theory (first widely publicised in 2006 ) arise whenever there is a major natural disaster in the world. The psychological impacts of this are obvious – the ‘official’ site for the 2012 apocalypse has almost 200 000 hits and there was even feature film produced in 2009 . 20 years ago, there was no such superstition, nor did the internet exist to provide a ground for people to discuss their thoughts and fears, so in this regard today natural disasters have far more psychological impact on humans than before.

Evidently, the changes the world has undergone in the last 20 years have contributed to the increased impact of natural disasters on our global population. Due to rising population and urbanisation, there are now a lot more structures and people that can be affected by natural disasters. Furthermore, technological advances have made communication more efficient and the news much more accessible, thus the presence of natural disasters now not only affects the victims but the global population as well. The impact of natural disasters, whether physically, economically or even psychologically on the population of the world has undeniably risen, even if it is questionable whether their frequency or potency has changed or not.

just a rant.

2011-04-25T18:27:00.004+12:00

I sat here for a long time trying to think of how to start...
My mind's still blank :/

Optimism and Pessimism by Sergio1970

I guess..... I've been trying to run from reflecting on myself for a long time. But I've realised that I don't really know myself as well as I would like. Everyone can tell me things about myself, but I just need some time to work out who I am for myself. Because I've hurt a lot of people recently without meaning to. I don't think enough about my actions. And I don't want to go down the road like so many people I know have gone down, into a road of apathy and cynicism. Maybe I'm already in the middle of it, or maybe I've hit the end. It doesn't matter, I want to turn around now.

So I will.

It won't be easy for sure. Changing yourself never is. But... I'll try at least.

So, I'm sorry... for everything. I know I'm not the nicest person anymore, I know I'm a shadow of the awesome person I used to be. So, I'm trying as hard as I can to backtrack and become a better person again.

My 14 year old self did warn me to never take this path. I didn't want to listen before, but I realise now that I was right all along as a child. I should trust childish instincts more.

I don't want to be corrupted by this world anymore.

Life is cruel, and it wants to push us into corners, harden ourselves up, put up spikes and protect and hide ourselves from it, or to attack it head on. I'm tired of fighting. I won't let life get the better of me, strip away my childish ideals and become an adult that doesn't see any happiness in the world.

Yes life is hard. I don't know when, but sometime in the past I somehow stopped seeing all the good things in life and began to see it as something I just have to get through. People became annoying, events boring. I don't want to turn into one of those adults that complain and complain but never do anything to better their situations. I'm going to try at least to go back to the optimistic happy person I was before all of this ever began.

Because fuck you life, despite all your bullshit I'm going to enjoy you.

songs that remind me of stuff

2011-04-20T22:50:00.003+12:00

I'm gonna copy Billy's blog... Songs that I can think of that are somehow meaningful or remind me of other things :)

Kurt Schneider/Jake Bruene -- Iris: Being sick with food poisoning in bed on Christmas Eve in Normandy. Also his cover of I will follow you into the dark (Death Cab for Cutie) also reminds me of that. And most of my Yellowcard songs. But even though it was such an awful time listening to these songs make my heart a little warmer and I actually feel nostalgia :)

Flo-rida -- Low: For some reason this song has so many nostalgic and sentimental memories attached to it and I really cannot remember nor understand why. It makes me think of so many good times with friends and having fun hahahahhaa, weirdly enough.

Chris Brown -- With You: Kahunui 2008. Also not immediately obvious, I think it's because it was in the mix cd someone made for the van on the ride to Whakatane for grocery shopping. Other songs that remind me of Kahunui include Forever (Chris Brown) and Move Shake Drop (DJ Laz).... yeah it was an interesting month :P

LIGHTS -- My Boots: Actually any LIGHTS songs remind me of Maplestory because I had them on loop for hours on end while mapling at the end of last year.

Kim Wilde -- Kids of America: One of my childhood friends really liked this songs to the point where she actually made up new lyrics to go with our own lives lol. This was in like year 5. It reminds me of all the times we played neopets together and how we almost made a doujinshi of ourselves in the digimon world hahahaha such imaginative geeky kids :D

FFX -- 1000 Words: Year 5 and 6 when I went thru a FF phase (which is funny because I was still a sony virgin) and listened to this song as well as Real Emotion and To Zanarkand on repeat every day. And I talked to David a lot during this time cos we were fanboy/girling together and we used to use Al Bhed translators to talk hahahhahaha... yes indeed a geeky childhood TT

Britney Spears -- Toxic: Reminds me of the colour purple. When I saw the music video I thought that it didn't fit the song at all cos of my own construed ideas lol. And it reminds me of year 6 and how Kelly hated Britney Spears and it made me think of the day when I came to school and everyone was depressed cos Longson said something to Kelly or something and then half the class was crying and I had no idea wtf was going on...

Bon Jovi -- Livin' on a Prayer: Reminds me of year 5 and 6 again when NZ Idol was on haha. And during the final both the finalists sang it. And it was really catchy so Lucee and I would get it stuck in our heads for days and days...

Jason Mraz -- I'm Yours : Reminds me of airports because I associate it with Lucee leaving for the first time 2 years ago... Also 彩虹(Jay Chou). Last time when I was leaving for France it was actually playing in the airport and I smiled to myself hehe.

Kelly Clarkson -- Behind these Hazel Eyes: A family holiday with Lucee when we were singing this together haha. Holy crap that was ages ago. Actually why do Lucee and I have so many music related memories o.o it's uncanny. I might as well list the other songs that remind me of her tbh...

Boys Like Girls -- Love Drunk: Cruising the highway in USA driving from Vegas to LA. How glamourous right. I accidentally set my ipod on repeat one and fell asleep hahaahaha

Far*East Movement -- Rocketeer: Driving in semi-rain fog at 3am in the morning from mission bay towards the city... the slightly blurry fuzzy lights from far away were like the lights of a dreamworld. Cool summer air and open windows and getting our arms kinda wet but not really... such a nice memory

Linkin Park -- In Pieces: Yujie and year 9 tech. Oh man she left the lyrics EVERYWHERE.... and it makes me think of food tech especially cos she drew a lot of doodles in my folder and then she got into this big folder drawing war with laina... :D good times

Aladdin -- A Whole New World: Singstar. Yunbin's house. 3am in the morning, over and over and over and over and over.... and me in the other room trying to sleep and having dreams about flying carpets CHYEAH. And that reminds me of all the memories in Yunbin's house, like David trying to spike my drink and me running away, and mahjong, and getting headaches from alcohol, and failing to boil water, and all that good stuff :)

杨臣刚 -- 老鼠爱大米: My favourite song as a little kid. I used to sing this all the time apparently, and I demanded that it was the only song that we ever played at home... and then we lost the CD. and then a few years ago I heard it playing on the radio I was like DAD! WHAT SONG IS THIS!?!!?!? IT SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR... and then my dad told me the story of me when i was a little kid hahaha.

Vanilla Ice -- Ice Ice Baby: Everytime I hear this song I think of Laina dancing to this in year 6, even though I wasn't ever there to witness it. I guess people have talked about it so much that I've... created a memory for myself??? LOL

And then there are songs that just remind me of important people in the past haha. They might not have as much meaning for me now, but they still make me think of them... But I won't say who goes with which songs :P
白色风车 (Jay Chou), Bolero (Maurice Ravel), Beautiful Soul (Jesse McCartney), I don't want to miss a thing (Aerosmith), Lovefool (The Cardigans), Waiting for the End (Linkin Park), Right here waiting (Richard Marx), In My Head (Jason Derulo), Don't phunk with my heart (Black Eyed Peas), Cosmic Love (Florence+The Machine), Light Surrounding You (Evermore)

Hmmmmmmmm cbf thinking of any more but there are heaps ><

the chronicles of my heart

2011-04-10T17:51:00.005+12:00

"I couldn't ask for any year more perfect than this. As I grow older, I hope I will dwell in the wonderful memories. So many people have changed my life forever. They have changed the way I feel about absolutely everything..." 31 December 2004

"I am afraid to think what the future will hold." 10 January 2005

"Love is like quicksilver -- Leave it and it stays; clutch it and it darts away" 14 February 2005

"Life is getting too repetitive" 20 June 2005

"...When you die, nothing matters. Why are we still living with no sense of direction? There is no god. There is no meaning in life ... make more use of your existence" 30 December 2005

"My feelings for him are soaked in the paper. The memories make me so happy, but melancholy as they were in the past. Would I have done things differently if I had been the person I was now?" 21 April 2006

"What do I do? I feel like I'm trapped in a bird cage" 31 March 2007

"Is it so hard to do the right thing? Can I really judge what the right thing is? Is it in a human being's duty to assume right or wrong? I wish I could just run away from reality to a world which only I know." 24 August 2007

"And so my perfect days began. AND WHAT PERFECT DAYS THEY HAVE BEEN! I know it won't last but right now all I want to do is just soak in my happy life ^^" 29 November 2007

"Nothing lasts forever" 19 February 2008

"For these 3 years... I never felt like I belonged. I was isolated, an outsider. I never felt the way I did with my primary friends. I miss that childhood. I want it back so badly." 3 March 2008

"I'm trying my hardest. I was in a state of happiness today. I saw so much bright blue sky." 28 September 2008

"You have to take full responsibility for your actions, and sometimes more. But if you take less, you're lying to everyone, including yourself." 2 October 2008

"Sometimes I had more guts to argue ... there's more to life. I'm going to show them that. Happiness is more important than money. Think of your own happiness first, if you're reading this in the future. But don't force your ideals of happiness on them too." 25 November 2008

"I'm more ambitious. Less afraid of failure. I want to take more risks, challenge more ideas, live a life that will make a difference. I don't want to be one of 7 billion to lived and just died." 12 January 2009

"Is the only thing that matters that I love him? These idealistic ways are too waffly for me. Chemical reactions on the other hand are too flat... don't account for actions and feelings. So... why?" 16 April 2009

"Recently I've been feeling pretty alone... have I really changed as much as people say? Or is it just them that have changed?" 29 January 2010

"I guess I've become a bit more mature recently, learnt what values I keep, but at the same time I've become more blunt & more of a bitch. Isn't being a bit selfish better than being a doormat?" 29 September 2010

"It's hard to just go back to how things used to be, especially when people change. I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I used to think I am quite an open person, without many secrets... Life is not as simple as it appears..." 29 November 2010

"I like you, even though you hurt me, even though it defies logic. But if you remain as you are now, I don't want to be with you. Liking you disgusts me enough as it is. You've made your choices. I'm just stuck here watching you in the distance, regretting not walking along with you, but unsure now whether to follow or walk away." 1 December 2010

Most of these old scars are gone. Some are still healing. All are scars I'd like to keep. I am putting these books away now to read later... maybe 10 years in the future. These are some of my rawest emotions in the times when they seemed to be taking over. So yes, I guess I really was always this philosophical. These are the chronicles of my heart, the evolution of a soul through age and experience. There are still many things I have to learn, both in the future and from the past...

PS. I turned off the autoplay so people won't get random music playing when they open up my blog in class :PPPP

SUCKER PUNCH... my interpretation

2011-04-09T20:48:00.007+12:00

Okay so first of all I should warn you that there are SPOILERS BELOW, so if you don't want to be spoiled don't read this blog post.

Last night I went to see Sucker Punch (directed by Zack Snyder) and honestly after I came out of the cinema I wasn't sure what I was supposed to think. It was such a saturated experience of visuals and sound -- so many awesome action scenes and short skirts, boobs and fake eyelashes, coupled with war zones and fucking dragons, yet I couldn't help but feel there was an underlying message under all the flashiness.

I thought that it might have been an extended metaphor for something. So... here's my interpretation and review of sorts.

Firstly I have to say that I loved the first scene -- it was wonderfully dark and incredibly powerful with just the music. I also found the cinematography to be perfect; basically the technical side of film was really impeccable in this opening scene. Another scene I really loved was the robot scene on the train. The 3d animation... omgggg I don't even want to imagine how much time it took to make it perfect. It looked so damn sexy.

I thought the film had underlying themes of sexual violence and feminism, but it laid them out in a very metaphorical way, which I found a nice change from the didactic nature of many other films when covering such topics. The fact that all the leads were women (with the exception of Blue), reminded me of Lady Gaga's Telephone music video (where she gave women traditional men's roles in the prison -- note there are NO MEN in that jail; it was a feminist statement) but in this movie it was obvious that women were not in power. Even Dr. Gorski, who represents the authoritative woman, does not have any power under Blue -- by sexual violence or otherwise, the men hold all the power in this film. This is why in Baby Doll's scenarios in her head when music is played it is women who have all the power. Even if women feel like they have power, in reality it is reversed.

I believe that Dr. Gorski (I suspect the character was named after TERENCE GORSKI, the mental health doctor... website at http://www.tgorski.com/) playing the music for Baby Doll in the beginning is her trying to teach her girls to disassociate themselves from reality -- when reality is so cruel (I assumed that rape etc. happened in the mental institute storyline -- if not then definitely in the 'club' storyline). By creating a reality where they can control everything, it is the complete flipside of what reality is like. So, in the following scenes where BD is dancing, it could either be interpreted that she is engaging in sex with the men against her will in real life (the mental institute) or that she is simply trying to escape the mental institute by herself (it is said that by herself she stabbed an orderly, helped another person escape, started a fire etc) while believing in her own mind that she is in power. I don't think this is clear.

It is obvious however that Blue abused her sexually -- but Blue's character is also one of a broken man who just wants to be loved in return. He says something along the lines of "things are not meant to be this way" when Baby Doll doesn't kiss him back at the end after being lobotomized. From BD's perspective she would rather forget and lose herself, forget everything that has happened to her and in effect 'die' (although not physically dead), than continue living her life. We question whether this can be considered a form of suicide. As Sweet Pea said in the beginning when she first appears, being a vegetable is sick and doesn't turn anyone on. Interestingly Blue's reaction to Baby Doll's state at the end of the film backs this up. Perhaps Baby Doll in a way is trying to rid herself of her sexual allure -- she does not want to be abused sexually anymore.

I also believe that it is significant how Vanessa Hudgen's character is called 'Blondie' when she has dark hair -- for me it represents how men expect women to change according to their ideal view of beauty, not what is naturally there. Maybe the significance of her death is that because she was not as Blue (representative of men in general) wanted her to be, she was considered worthless.

Furthermore, Sweet Pea does not exist. She is a character that, for Baby Doll, represents herself -- this is why in the beginning when she is about to be lobotomized she suddenly turns into SP in the 'club' storyline. Likewise, Rocket represents BD's sister -- when in the train she promises her everything will be okay before Rocket dies, it's the same as in the first scene where BD comforts her sister right before she is killed by their stepfather. We see BD and SP scream in the same way in these two scenes, creating an obvious parallel. Also, in a previous scene where Rocket says, "We're already dead"... she is literally indeed already dead. BD created Rocket from the memories of her already deceased sister. In BD's head, she wants a reality where she and her sister ran away from home and their oppressive stepfather together. However, reality proves to be too strong; the significance of the finality of death is portrayed by Rocket's death.

When SP is 'freed' from the club, it represents BD letting go of who she is when she is being lobotomized -- she escapes to 'Paradise'. This is why 'Paradise' is mentioned so often in the film. It's pretty obvious that the random helpful wise old man does not exist in reality, giving the audience hints that SP doesn't exist. SP is going home and Rocket told her to "tell mom I love her" -- BD's mother is already dead, so she has to also 'die' to meet her. Also note how she did not say anything about the father. This is both to do with the cruel stepfather as well as another device for the feminism in this film.

I thought Emily Browning was quite a good fit for Baby Doll. She has that delicate vibe about her, like a porcelain doll. In the beginning she showed so much emotion, but then as the movie goes on she shows less and less, illustrating how dissociating herself from the terrible things going on around her made her like an empty shell, stuck in her own mind. She actually reminded me a lot of Alice in Wonderland. Maybe it was just the hair.

I have no idea what Amber is supposed to represent or why she had to die, she's probably just there to look hot. Or, she served a similar purpose to Blondie. As well as this I feel like most of these ideas got lost in translation due to the sheer awesomeness of the visuals -- it was indeed trying to combine a lot of previously successful movies. It was quite different from what I expected it would be like from the trailer -- a lot better than I expected actually.

That's probably why I came out of the cinema slightly confused, not sure if it was a genius metaphor or just trying too hard... even now I'm not sure, but I think it might be a bit of both. Nonetheless, I quite enjoyed the film. I'm still trying to figure out why it's called 'Sucker Punch' though.

MY TO DO LIST. for the near future...

2011-04-06T22:46:00.003+12:00

COM MURAL
-get money
-get paints
-send out email
-determine date

BALL
-meeting
-va committee trip

SCHOOL
-max test
-geo homework
-read tians geo book
-read art history books/research
-painting references
-chem writeup
-iypt presentation
-french speech
-read the shallows/the handmaids tale

OTHER
-exchange arrive 22 may
-restricted
-sort out transport to film society
-watch requiem of a dream/pan's labyrinth/never let me go/no country for old men
-optometrist appointment
-read practical ethics/what is the name of this book?
-blog
-tidy desk
-uni apps/talk to ms scott
-SAT2 chemistry

well this is kind of a blog. i don't even want to prioritise...

i'm just dumping this here because I want to remember it.

2011-04-04T18:51:00.003+12:00

not sure when this is from, yujie cped it from facebook, and i want to keep it here. not sure when i actually had this dream either, so im pasting it into one of my old drafts..

"so for some reason i was going out with harry potter and we were living in a caravan with ron and hermione outside the ministry of magic which was situated below the gallerie lafayette, and the muggles all knew about its existence. then a war broke out among the younger generation and one side was mainly little kids and the other side was teenagers, and they were yelling at each other from opposite sides of this gold plated walled room below the eiffel tower. The older ones were yelling stuff like "YOU DON'T HAVE COLLEGE AGED KIDS SO YOUR SIDE IS GONNA BE DUMBER" and "I CAN HELP YOU WITH YOUR COLLEGE ESSAYS! COME TO OUR SIDE" but negotiations failed and a war broke out, and harry ron hermione and i had to be medics and help ppl who died, but the potion we had wasn't working until hermione figured out that you had to scull it down like alcohol, only the difference was that it was rats stomach acid and you had to drink it straight from the mouth of the rat... then for some reason a little girl was looking for her jacket in the caravan, so i helped her, and it wasn't there but I found pairs of shoes in every colour and lots of marker pens. THEN, i had to go somewhere so i walked across the field and i saw eunji and Azeria D'souza playing the 3rd movement of moonlight sonata on the violin (which i dont even think is possible), and then i went to where i was going and found out that i was rejected from visual arts committee leader because i don't know what im going to do in university and then i got kicked out completely because i was being an asshat and then i woke up from horror."

EDIT thanks yujie. this was on "January 8 at 8:04pm" in NZ. so 8.40am on Jan 8th in Paris :)

happiness

2011-03-30T22:29:00.005+13:00

Happiness is the colour yellow, bright and vibrant, completely saturated; it fills up those who possess it, the purest colour that overpowers anything else that comes next to it.

Happiness is stretched out arms, the urge to embrace all your surroundings, to savour every last drop of the sweet landscape before you, to cherish the world as it is at that particular moment

Happiness is a photograph, suspended in time; a fleeting moment of perfection, where the sparkle in your eye betrays your elation for all eternity.

Happiness is a sugar cube dissolving in a cup of coffee, having the potential to make something bitter into a dream.

Happiness is a sunflower, forever seeking warmth and love, being open to receive it, standing tall and proud.

Happiness is the placidness of a still lake, reflecting the endless sky above so it seems like if you jumped into it, you'd fly.

Happiness is the oxygen in the air, dancing in the breeze between every one of us, entering and exiting and giving us life; an unconditional act of giving.

Happiness is the stars at night, free and so far away from any problems we invent for ourselves, donning playful twinkling smiles, faint wisdom of millenia ago.

Happiness is the grains of sand on a long beach, so many different forms and shapes, together forming the delicate surface on which we walk when we look out at sea and find peace within ourselves...

Yes, happiness is the horizon and beyond, the sky above and the ground below,
happiness is all around, and within all of us
and happiness is when I'm with you :)

ffs

2011-03-18T21:59:00.002+13:00

you know what pisses me off? when people try to do me favours without asking, or when they tell you to take care of their own business of which you have no knowledge. I just had to fucking search through the laundry for my long skirt, not find it, go downstairs, take the keys, go outside into the rain to my mum's car, discover i had taken the wrong keys, come back inside, take the right keys, go back outside to my mum's car again (which isn't even supposed to be outside, but my dad's car was inside today for some retarded reason), search through it, not find my skirt, come back inside, go upstairs, get told by my dad that it's in HIS car, go back downstairs, find my skirt in his car, go back upstairs with it, get told by him that the buttons on mum's keys don't fucking work, so i had to go back downstairs, take the keys, go outside, check the car and IT WAS ALREADY LOCKED...................................... and none of this would have been necessary if they would just trust me to look after my own damn laundry. oh and now i have bruises on my knuckle from punching the wall out of frustration. jesus christ.

don't even try to cheer me up, I enjoy being angry. at least it means I feel something strongly for once =___=

I understand that people feel like they're doing you a favour when they do stuff for you, but personally it just annoys me... I'm independent to that point where other people helping me is like a hassle for me. Unless I specifically ask for help, I'd prefer to just be left to do my own thing by myself... also it makes me feel like I owe them something which I dislike... it's not to say that I don't like groupwork, it's just that if it's my own business then I can take care of myself. Likewise, I won't get involved in someone else's business if it doesn't involve me. A lot of people find my way of thinking selfish or whatever, but do unto others right..? idk, it's just the way I feel. I don't even like it when my mum put stuff in my bowl when I eat. I find it so patronising.

lol nobody's gonna want to marry me unless they have the same feelings hahahahaha FOREVER ALONE...

the point of view of a jack of all trades

2011-03-10T21:55:00.006+13:00

So today in French we got into quite a heated debate about how sciences are supposedly 'harder' to get E in than subjects like Geography or Art, and that they are more 'valuable'. I was vehemently opposed to this idea, but it seems a lot of people think that way. I can't speak for Geography since I don't take it, but I remember last year my art class was also exasperated in holiday workshops about how people thought art was easy to get E in while we suffered indoors during the beginning of summer, trying to complete our boards when the weather outside was perfect for beaching.

It's not easier or harder to get Es in one or the other. It depends on the person and what they are good at. It's just that usually people who suck at art know that they suck at art and choose not to take it, which is why we have such a high concentration of Es in the department, since everyone who takes it is actually good at it. But, in science, a lot of people take it just so they can do med or engineering etc, but they are not necessarily that strong at it (I'm sorry, I have to say it). It's easier to tell if you are good at art or music than science. From what I can evaluate, people who take sciences are the ones who are INTERESTED in them -- whether they are any good is another story. But, with art, it seems everyone who takes it is somewhat good at it. The statistics are skewed.

Another reason for the higher concentration of higher ended credits is that the standards in art are more compacted -- we have 2 standards -- 6 credits and 12 credits. This means as well as us not wanting to screw them up because they are worth so much and thus working hard at them, when we succeed we get 12 credits straight up. But in science, there is a random scattering of 2s and 3s, 4s and 5s. So if we drop one standard (silly mistakes etc, since these standards are also much smaller and so if you screw up one little thing, you're screwed), we lose those 2 or so points. It's not much, but it can give the illusion that it's harder because we're like "omg! this paper is only worth 4 credits! how come the art ones are 12 credits in one go?" In a way it's kind of protecting us -- so if we screw up we won't lose as many credits.

Also, let me break it down -- the sciences and the arts are different. I don't think we should compare them in terms of difficulty. Someone said today that in art all you have to do is put time in, whereas with physics (the science in question at the time) you have to understand the concept. From my experience, art requires a more philosophical and technical kind of understanding than physics, but it is understanding all the same. Not to mention one also has to put time into ANY subject, not just physics, to have a full understanding. As someone who takes both art and science subjects, I feel that I have grown as a result of both -- but in different ways.

Furthermore, the salaries or success at finding jobs after graduating uni of someone with a science degree vs someone with a fine arts degree shouldn't be relevant to how easy or hard it is. Statistically speaking, there are more people with science degrees than fine arts degrees. But it is true, science is more relevant to the modern world than art. There is more demand for scientists than artists. However... how does this relate to one being easier or harder than the other? I would bet that only a small percentage of those scientists could drop everything and become an artist if circumstances demanded it, as with artists becoming scientists. Neither is easier than the other, they are equipped with different skill sets.

Perspective is everything. I actually wondered how any of them could make the call that science > art when it seemed all of them took at least one science but none of them took art...

Well, this isn't just about science and arts. I also recently had a debate with someone about how mathematics is just as relevant to life as literature. Many people think that studying shakespeare is worthless because "we will never use this after we get a job", and many people think that higher level pure mathematics is worthless also because "we will never use this after we get a job" -- but I think the value of these, of ANYTHING, comes with how it changes the way we think. As someone said in my english scholarship class earlier this year, well-read people are usually more open minded -- they can empathise better for they have learnt from a variety of experiences that they may have not necessarily experienced themselves. Likewise, people who have studied mathematics know how to think about logical problems, and how to twist lateral thinking to solve a problem while still not breaking the rules of logic.

Everything is so rich, full of opportunity for learning. Shutting ourselves off from a whole field of study because we think it is 'irrelevant' or 'not as useful' is a damn shame in my opinion.

[EDIT] so I found out the reason this debate started was because people felt that subjects like art weren't exactly 'academic' enough to warrant being part of a scholar's badge. I think the reason people think this way is because of the misnomer 'scholar's badge' -- in my view it's not actually a badge for SCHOLARS per se(GPA of 80+ in 5-6 subjects), it's just a badge showing that you're good at the subjects you do take. The way I see it, if you feel under-recognised because you take all science and maths subjects which are supposedly 'harder' to get E in, then perhaps you should consider switching your subject choices over to humanities if you find them easier (and vice versa). However from my experience for some reason (possibly for practicality reasons, as I said before uni courses like med and engineering demand sciences), more people take sciences over humanities and then complain about them. Perhaps those who take humanities know that's what they want to do and that's what they're good at, and they are not doing it simply because they want to get into a particular course in uni...?

Humanity

2011-02-25T23:22:00.008+13:00

In english class the other day, most of the class seemed outraged when someone said that the junior school was getting ipads for their classrooms for the little kids to learn to read better. I guess most people didn't think the benefits outweighed the costs and thought that the school was wasting money on things they didn't need. But in a way, isn't that pretty much what happens all the time in our consumerist lives? I was thinking, if we were the ones who were getting ipads, I doubt as many people would be complaining. Such is the model of human hypocrisy and the foundation of capitalism and poverty.

'Right,' said Roger, the self-appointed captain of the lifeboat.

'There are twelve of us on this vessel, which is great, because it can hold up to twenty. And we have plenty of rations to last until someone comes to get us, which won't be longer than 24 hours. So, I think that means we can safely allow ourselves an extra chocolate biscuit and a shot of rum each. Any objections?'

'Much as I'd doubtless enjoy the extra biscuit,' said Mr Mates,'shouldn't our main priority right now be to get the boat over there and pick up the poor drowning woman who has been shouting at us for the last half hour?' A few people looked down into the hull of the boat, embarrassed, while the others shook their heads in disbelief.

'I thought we had agreed,' said Roger. 'It's not our fault she's drowning, and if we pick her up, we won't be able to enjoy our extra rations. Why should we disrupt our cosy set-up here?' There were grunts of agreement.

'Because we could save her, and if we don't she'll die. Isn't that reason enough?'

'Life's a bitch,' replied Roger. 'If she dies, it's not because we killed her. Anyone for a digestive?'

(Source: 'Lifeboat Earth' by Onora O'Neill, republished in World Hunger and Moral Obligation, edited by W.Aiken and H. La Follette (Prentice-Hall, 1977))

The lifeboat metaphor is pretty easy to translate. The boat is the affluent West and the drowning woman those dying of malnutrition and preventable disease in the developing world. And the attitude of the developed world is, on this view, as callous as Roger's. We have enough food and medicine for everyone, but we would rather enjoy luxuries and let others die than forfeit our 'extra biscuit' to save them. If the people on the lifeboat are grossly immoral, then so are we.

In the real world, however, food and other goods are not just sitting there waiting to be distributed. Wealth is created and earned. So if I refused to give some of my surplus to someone else, I am not unfairly appropriating what is due to him, I am simply keeping what is rightfully mine.

However, even if the analogy is altered to reflect this fact, the apparent immorality does not disappear. Let us imagine that all the food and supplies on the boat belong to the individuals in it. Nevertheless, once in the boat, and once the need of the drowning woman is recognised, wouldn't it still be wrong to say, 'Let her die. These biscuits are mine!'? As long as there is enough surplus to provide for her too, the fact that is dying should make us give up some of our privately owned provisions for her.

The UN has set a target for developed countries to give 0.7% of their GDP (gross domestic product) to overseas aid. Few have met it. For the vast majority of people, to give even 1 per cent of their income to help the impoverished would have a negligible effect on their quality of life. The lifeboat analogy suggests that it is not so much that we would be good people if we did so, but that we are terribly wrong not to.

Taken from 'The Pig That Wants to Be Eaten (And ninety-nine other thought experiments)' by Julian Baggini (2005))

People's morals seem to deviate a lot though. That's why in the field of politics there is constant debate between right and left wing and, at their extremes, capitalism vs communism. In my opinion though, extremes of anything can't be good. Obviously capitalism poses moral dilemmas such as the one above, where no matter what not helping those less fortunate is immoral -- we can't just be selfish and serve ourselves. We are not all born equal, but shouldn't we try as much as we can to make the gaps smaller, not divide ourselves further apart? We are all of one species after all. The problem with communism is then, conversely, that there is not enough diversity. We ARE all born different, we have different aspirations and likes, dislikes that we should be able to aspire to. Dystopian fiction such as George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, Huxley's Brave New World, Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 (I could list more, there are so many) demonstrate that being all the same and working towards the advance of humanity as a whole in the most efficient way possible is also something that we have emotional response to -- something that we cannot, for some reason or another, agree with. So what's the conclusion? We can't have either? We have to have a perfect balance between equality and diversity?

Honestly, I don't know what I think personally at all. I just know that extremes are never good.

As a final though, what do you think makes us human?

Does being human justify our hypocrisy, our greed, our selfishness? We often analyse literary characters who are imperfect because they are more 'human' - 3 dimensional, imperfect. Take tragic heroes such as King Lear, Macbeth. Even good characters who slip up once -- we forgive them because they made a 'human error'. It's true, we all make mistakes. But does this mean that we can justify any wrongs we commit with the line "we're all just human"? Isn't that a bit bleak and pathetic? As if our humanity is the CAUSE for all our immorality, even though at the same time it is also the reason for morality itself?

Are morals ideas that have always existed in us, that are congruous and inseparable from our code of humanity? Or are they planted by society, imposed by our environment? Is that why there are so many conflicting opinions in the world that seem to be the cause of both such beauty and chaos?

Perhaps the way to explain this is that it is in our ID to be self-preserving, to put ourselves before others. In that case, the morality system we have in place must be society-imposed. However, this in turn creates many more problems -- when and why did society create these 'morals'? What about preservation of the species as a whole (Charles Darwin)? Does this mean that the ten commandments were definitely invented? The implications are enormous.

The more I think about it, the more the story of the tree of knowledge giving birth to sin seems to be plausible. This way, there is reason for the conflict within each of us when we are in these types of situations (all the time). Philosophically, it is convenient to blame everything on a God and a Devil, it seems to be able to explain why we have so many seemingly unsolvable problems in our world -- good was never meant to be mixed with evil, and our earth seems to have become the retarded illegitimate child, with no idea what to do with the two sides imposed on it. That being said, widely accepted scientific theory has already overturned much of the teachings of the Bible and Church...

So where does this leave ethics?

I don't know. I don't even know if it matters. But sometimes I end up thinking about things like these. I can only pose questions, hoping to inspire the same thoughts in others.

true chaos and randomness

2011-02-07T16:27:00.005+13:00

omg I feel so bad for not updating. I've been meaning to update ever since I got back from Rome, but the weekend was so amazing and so much happened that I could never be bothered. And then since then even more stuff has happened so i've been avoiding updating even more... I'm so bad at keeping up after I've fallen behind...

And now I don't even feel like updating anymore. omg fml.

---

13 february 2011

Fucking hell, I haven't blogged for ages. Well I started to write the above post but nothing was coming and I got distracted so I decided to just not do anything that time. But yeah, just got home from jamies since my parents wouldn't let me stay the night since I was out last night as well, but I really cbf arguing so whatever.

This year is going to be really busy. It annoys me in some ways but I think I just have to be positive and go at it as it comes.

It's pretty sad that some of my closest friends are leaving for overseas universities etc. Actually most of the time I don't feel like they value me as a close friend at all but I do think that way about them, so although it makes me feel unappreciated sometimes it doesn't really matter, their leaving still affects me on that level. It's not that I'm trying to push people away or anything like that, it's just hard for me to get close to people. Even the people I'm closest to I find hard to tolerate for long periods of time haha, I guess that's the way I am. But I do think that friendship is something to be held onto for a long time, and I think that if the effort is put in, people can stay friends for a lifetime. So, I wish them all the best of luck for their university embarkings and hope to see them sometime in the near future. Maybe next summer, maybe randomly when we're on holidays. Who knows? But, the world is surely a small place.

So as I sit here at 12.42am on a Sunday morning running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep from last night, what's on my mind? Not much. I have music blaring out of my headphones, I feel pretty peaceful I guess. Not happy, but not angry or anything. Very zen. I hoped that this blog was a place to chronicle significant events in my life so that I wouldn't forget them in the future, but it's a bit tiresome to recount days and experiences. Maybe human experience is meant to be lost in the labyrinths of our memories. Either way, it seems that I'm not that interested lately in writing my daily events but rather my feelings. Something that has impacted on my art subject matter for sure, because I can't think of one at all. I don't want to deal with the physical and static. I want to deal with feelings and emotion, but these are things that are quite difficult to put forward visually. What is happiness? Peace? Anger, sadness, love, hate, annoyance, nonchalance? What colour are they, what shape are they? No matter what metaphors we can use to describe them, analogies are never enough. These are things that cannot be captured by science, and perhaps never will be. Perhaps they were never meant to be. Maybe they just aren't, and there is no meaning behind them at all.

The only way this night could get any more perfect would be if it was slightly colder and it was raining heavily outside. Strange though, that such a feeling of blandness would be what I consider close to perfect. Perfection can never truly exist in my opinion though. There's a certain beauty in imperfection that perfection can never possess. Diversity, personality, creativity. These are things that cannot be captured by perfection.

I downloaded Burlesque today so I guess I'll watch that tonight as well. Man I left my ipod on my desk for literally less than 6 hours as I went out and when I come home it's gone. Jesus christ my brother...

Sometimes when I look at you I wonder what is going through your mind. Sometimes I think I already know. But I always think maybe there is something more. I'm curious though you know? I want to go inside and see what it's like inside your head. Everyone thinks so differently. I probably shouldn't be so interested in you specifically, but some things just can't be helped you know?

Why was I chosen to be me? I could have been anyone else. Am I thankful? Is there anything to be thankful for, if it is just as it is? I can't imagine being inside anyone else's head. I'm feeling a weird kind of unconsciousness of who I am not. That probably won't make sense to anyone else but it makes sense in my head. If we were to accept the existence of souls, maybe I am an old soul and I have no recollection of my past self or selves. That makes us essentially separate entities I guess. So, being an old soul is the same as being a new soul. Or maybe the same as having no soul at all.

What the hell am I on about? This kind of nonsense is the kinda stuff people come up with when they're high or drunk... Yeah I guess my thoughts are pretty scattered tonight. See the chaos of my brain that comes together to form a perfect balance that I consider to be close to perfect? I feel no negativity right now... It's quite wonderful.

not in much of a mood for long update, so...

2011-01-16T06:46:00.004+13:00

here's some bulletpointed stuff that happened to me mainly today.

I went shopping at champs elysees. I walked into LV and felt really really really out of place lolol... but it was so gold and shiny and rich looking. And I was afraid to touch any of the clothes...

at nike, I really wanted to get a pair of regular white+1 colour accented nike courts or low dunks, but when i asked if they had them in size 38 the guy was like... your feet are too small. you should go upstairs ): so i did... and then i saw these babies

I have no idea when I'm going to wear them, but they look shiny as hell and I love them already :)

At sephora the guy asked me if I lived in Paris. I said yes without thinking since I do technically live here right now and he gave me a form to fill out for the loyalty card. Thank god I know the name of Blanche's road LOL.... but now I have a sephora loyalty card that I probably won't be able to use again TT bring sephora to nz!

while i was in sephora i also used a broken cologne tester bottle without realising and when i pushed it down a lot of it went onto my hand... so my hand smelt like man for half a day hahahaaha =_=

I metro-ed all the way to grande arche de la defense to take 1 photo of it, walk around in toys r us (I WISH I COULD BUY A HUGE TEDDY BEAR HERE! IT'S SO CHEAP! BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT BACK...) and buy a haagan-daz ice cream. it was totally worth it :P nahh but there were way too many people to shop properly, and i'd already bought a lot of stuff in the morning.

(for anyone who doesnt know, it's sales between mid jan and mid feb in france so there are a lot of people out shopping. like.. A LOT of people...)

also there was a really really hot security guy in front of one of the shops and I was so busy staring at him that it was only after I passed by the shop entirely that I realised that I had forgotten to even look at what they were selling. He's bad for business... his eyes were so... DDD: -melts-

what else happened this week? well I got 11/20 on that physics test I sat last week, not bad considering the entire first page was blank and it was 0/6 LOL... 19 for art :)... and I think I have to sit the chinese and geo tests on monday. chinese shouldn't be too bad, but geo is going to be crash and burn...

the "asian" method of parenting

2011-01-15T08:17:00.009+13:00

Something that made me pissed off and a little bit thoughtful...

Firstly, read this article , an excerpt from "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua. Apparently a self help book for anyone who wants to turn their children into an asian prodigy child by using the most hypocritical method ever.

You may or may not know, but this article has been the subject of a lot of debate especially among parent communities and asians (for obvious reasons). I admit that I probably only care about this because it affects me in some way, but if you've read it you will probably have had SOME reaction to it as well.

I admit the ideas behind her points are well grounded, and a lot of them are logical. However, it seems that she takes everything a bit off the extreme end of the scale, rather than maintaining a balance -- incredibly hypocritical considering that she herself mentioned Confucian filial piety as a reason for the way she treats her children the way she does, yet another part of Confucianism is the importance of BALANCE and HARMONY. It does remind me a bit of Christians who only cite parts of the bible to back up their own points and disregard anything that may conflict.

Also I'm probably the only one who thought this, but I found the entire article to be a little sexist. There are so many mentions of the chinese mother, but where is the father? She tells about a story with her husband trying to be reasonable at the end of the article, gloating in triumph that she was right and he was wrong. But her logic does not hold. Just because she forced her daughter to practise piano until she got it right even though she was throwing tantrums and insulting her to make her more and more frustrated doesn't mean that this method is necessarily better than being more lenient. It simply means it is one way of getting things done. She has obviously never tried other methods, so she cannot in fact comment on the effectiveness of her own. For all she knows, there could be a better and more effective method out there that doesn't involve negative feelings between her and her children; just because A causes B doesn't mean B is only obtainable through A -- that's basic logic, something I would expect an Ivy League professor to consider and be open minded to.

"I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

I can see here that she does somewhat have an idea about the concept of balance, but her idea of it seems to be in the extremes. There is no fluidity. Zebras are not grey, and if you stare at one up close for too long you'll probably get a headache. Everything in moderation is best in my opinion.

I find it extremely comical how her children are not allowed to get anything lower than an A grade at school -- except sport and drama. Why is sport and drama 'useless'? Professional sportsmen and actors are perhaps the most overpaid people in the world, so don't use the money excuse. I question whether it is because Chua herself has given into the stereotype that asians are no good at sports or drama? She herself accused her husband of not 'believing in' their daughter when she couldn't play the piano piece. Does that mean that if she believes in her daughters then they can do anything? If so, then why the limits on sports and drama? If she is trying to craft perfection, why not craft it in every way? Same with the instruments. Why are they not allowed to play any instruments apart from the piano and violin? True, they are instruments with lots of performance opportunity, but why not add a 3rd or 4th if she is trying to push her children to their full potentials?

In fact it's interesting that the children she is building seem to be in fact robot asian clones. We hear a lot about asian children like this. Her children are not that special. As the other controversial article published by Macleans magazine makes evident, there is an issue with the number of asians compared to other ethnicities at institutes of higher education (especially in canada and the states). Many jokes and parodies are made about how a lot of asians apply to universities, especially the ivy league (eg. this video by OnHarvardTime) By limiting her children to playing only the piano and violin and not motivating them as hard in sports and drama as other subjects, she is actually limiting their likelihood of getting into a good university, as well as obstructing their potential to become well rounded individuals. Also I would expect her to realise this seeing as she TEACHES AT YALE... (fair enough, she's not part of the admissions faculty. but I would expect her to have been in contact with enough of her students to realise that it's important to be well rounded) Then again maybe she is relying on the fact that her children are not technically fully asian to get them past this hurdle. Still I find that her wishing the best for her children conflicts with her limiting them. In case you haven't realised already, I find her very very annoyingly hypocritical. I question how she would have handled twins, if she expects her children to always be 1st in class.

Although, I question about myself when I read this article. It's true that I don't think anything of it when my own parents tell me I'm fat, and I never tell my parents to come to a show I'm starring in etc. I don't even care if they come to prizegiving or not. But I question whether this is due to my upbringing or because I am just like that as a person. I do not crave attention from my parents, and I am comfortable enough in my own skin to not care about what my parents think. This could conversely also mean that due to my upbringing I have realised that adults are full of shit and therefore I shouldn't take what they say too seriously. My parents have said that I am extremely headstrong and freespirited though, to the point where I dislike taking other people's advice and help. I do agree that children should not be indulged and spoilt so much that they become weak and fragile and thin-skinned though. It takes a certain amount of resilience (Mrs J year 7 :P) to survive in this world, and everything shouldn't be given to a child on a golden platter.

The one line that probably pisses me off the most in the whole article though, is probably this:

Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences.

At least she said 'believe' and not just "chinese parents know..." The problem is, I hate it when parents believe their children are objects forever indebted to them that they can control as puppetmasters. If this is so, nobody would ever live their own lives, forever living vicariously through their children. Then those who are infertile wouldn't be able to live any life at all. Living vicariously through others also has extreme limits. We cannot feel what they are feeling, what we perceive as moments of happiness may not be things they are necessarily interested in. Living your own life as you wish is always better than trying to live someone else's. I would even go as far as to say that a parent who cared about children more than they cared about themselves would allow them the basic human right of free will at the very least.

She shouldn't kid herself. Her daughters have probably done a lot of shit that she doesn't know about. And it's probably from their own experiences that they have learnt more about themselves than she can ever teach them by preventing them from trying things on their own. I could be wrong, but ALL the teenagers I know have rebelled at some time or another and not told their parents about it. There is this impermeable wall between adolescents and their parents no matter how close they are. If they haven't rebelled yet, I would be really surprised.

I guess what I mean to say is that although I can see the logic behind her method, I completely disagree with the method itself. It's good to push the potential of your children, it's good to not be satisfied with anything but the best. But when you take it too far and force them into doing things they are not necessarily interested in, when you start depriving them of their social needs and freedom, when you start doing things that actually MAKE NO SENSE... that's when it's taking it too far.

Yes, her 'method' may have produced a 'stereotypically successful kid'. But what part? I can definitely say there are things in her method that are limiting her children's potential. But what happens with this stereotypically successful kid becomes an adult? Will they still be successful? In the real world, academic knowledge cannot replace experience. Well rounded individuals are the most successful. Being able to play the piano or violin doesn't mean anything if you can't stop your arms getting run over by a car because you've never crossed the road by yourself because you've never been allowed outside your own house without your parents. The stereotypical asian successful kid is only heard about up to undergraduate college level. We never hear about stereotypically successful asian adults to the same degree. Why? Maybe because they're all at home yelling at their own children to math harder... Who knows?

My parents didn't make me do of ANY the things on her precious list. I quit piano because I didn't like it. I went back to it because I saw the value in it. Yes, perhaps if my parents had grilled me harder I could have been a performance pianist. Perhaps not. I will never know, but I know that I would not have been happy. There would be little bits of happiness here and there, but the majority would be frustration. By doing things my own way, I have created my own form of happiness, perhaps not as extreme, but happiness all the same... A sweeter, more delicate kind of happiness that I am truly thankful for. A happiness that comes from my freedom, from crafting my life with my own two hands. And I will continue to craft my future with them, because there's no way I'd ever let anyone else take charge of the most valuable thing I have.

my first week of school in france...

2011-01-08T06:19:00.007+13:00

WARNING, UBER LONG AND there is a picture of a dissected mouse below. In case you get squeamish about that.

Well I have survived my first week of school! It's been... a pretty long week I think haha. I'm gonna go through my entiirreeee week, because I haven't blogged in a long time, and I want to spite those who hate my waffling (jokes, ily you guys but yeah, read more. it's good for you :) )

MONDAY:

I don't remember it too well now, but we had badminton in the morning for EPS (PE). You'd think I owned up, but no, they had child sized racquets so I kept missing. It's actually the biggest handicap you can give to someone who knows how to play a sport LOL, give them different sized equipment...

Had maths, found it difficult due to the different notation and french instructions lolol. Example? K, their way of writing x>0 is like this: Xε]0;+∞[
don't even get me started with the unions etc etc, I don't even really get it still lolol.

Went to geo myself since Blanche had another class. A guy offered to help me out and share his book, but he talked really fast and it was hard for me to get anything in that class lol... also since it's the first geo lesson I've ever had in my life haha @@ I skim read the textbook later and learnt some basic theory (ie. society + environment + economy = durable community). It's pretty interesting as a class, and I learn a lot of new vocab from it. As for the actual content... well, it's hard for me to pick much up haha.

French was terrible. They're doing Moliere's Dom Juan right now and ofc I hadn't read it, and I couldn't understand wtf she was talking about, so I just fell asleep. she also did some dictation and I couldn't keep up because ofc since I don't speak french I can't just make stuff up or guess what the rest of the sentence is once I get the general gist of it after hearing it, like you can do in english. Being in a foreign country is really hard! I tried to copy off the girl next to me, but they all have really loopy and fancy handwriting so it was a bit hard at times... Wikipediaed Dom Juan later, as well as Antigone, Les Bonnes, and Madame Bovary. I'm getting so cultured! :P

Went home, I was a bit confused when we started going up into a bakery, but it turns out that's the shortcut through to the main road from school. That bakery must get sooo much business haha. I bought a pain au chocolat :) the first of many that will make me fat, I'm sure...

Met up with the NZ ppl at the bookshop and went out for dinner at an italian restaurant cuz it was will's birthday :)

TUESDAY:

I can't really remember this day, it was largely insignificant I think. Well I had my first english class, it was quite good. There was a cute blonde guy wearing an extremely flamboyant coat (similar to the pirate captains), who I think was in an older class, but he came back for that 1 lesson. I think he did some time in england as an exchange student or something, because the teacher said "you act the same, but you look and sound more english", to which he replied "if looking english means very sexy, I agree with you" hahaha. But he got kicked out later for talking too much :P still, was entertaining.

I wagged an FLE class (french for noobs like me) in the afternoon since the teacher said he was gonna be late and I didn't feel like sitting through 1.5 hours of free period to get half an hour of class. But no, my host parents got called cuz of half an hour of wagging wtf ): gayyyyy.......

WEDNESDAY:

Short day! :) French wasn't so bad because we watched a film, so it was much easier to follow than the first day. Then for some reason I was able to not go to the other half of french, so I went to the chinese takeaway to get lunch. There, I met another chinese girl from the school with her friend, and I asked if I could eat lunch with them :) Everyone had a maths test that afternoon so I helped them out a little, then I went to meet the other NZers at louis le grand. We were gonna go eiffel tower, but the top was closed (again...), so I went to centre pompidou with Nick and Olivier.

It was probably my favourite place I've visited so far. I had this moment of revelation when we were going through the mondrian exhibit while olivier was being skeptical about what his squares are really about hahaha. The way I see them, they are not supposed to be pieces of 'art' per se in themselves, but are instead compositions and exploration of the effects of the proportions between closed spaces. He explores the way these spaces affect human perception and whether they make us feel uncomfortable or whether we find them aesthetically pleasing. This explains why he delved into architecture (stained glass windows etc) as well. In a way, mondrian's neoplastic squares were the beginnings of modern architecture. Note how recent buildings are quite square and minimalistic, yet we find them aesthetically pleasing. It is actually quite difficult to design squares in a way that looks good as a building (if you don't know what you're doing). Anyone who has tried to build a house on the sims starting with a single rectangle will know this. This is why I appreciate Mondrian's genius more than most people would (olivier included :P). To have such a good understanding of space and the effect space has on our senses is quite simply awesome :) Anyway though I was pretty tired cuz we spent soooo long walking around in the museum. My feet were really sore when I got home haha. But a day well spent!

THURSDAY:

Jesus Christ. This was such a long day. I started school at 9am, expecting to have english, but it turns out that the teacher wasn't there that day, so we had a free. I ran into Lydia outside the english room so that was nice :) Spent the free period catching up with her. Then I had SES which is like economics, and they had a test which obviously I couldn't take because I haven't done it before so I sat next to Yilin and watched her do it, looked up some words in my dictionary and went to sleep.

The Latin teacher wasn't there either so I spent the free with Blanche and Yilin, then for some reason I decided to follow her to a maths class that wasn't on my timetable and was quite possibly the most boring thing I've had to sit through since French on the first day. They were doing simplication of fractions and surds and indices. And they were just going over homework the whole period so .... =_= i didn't learn anything.

After that was lunch, then I had FLE again. It's getting to be quite enjoyable since all we do is chat haha, and it's a good time to improve my french. Then I had maths for the 2nd time where I sat next to this guy who didn't know how to use his TI83. Despite never having doing programming on my TI, I was able to help him out hahaha :) even though I have no idea what the program was for at all lol.

Followed Blanche to her chinese geography lesson. The teacher was so french looking for a chinese guy. I think it's just the style of dress. Like you can tell he's a Parisian... it's weird, and hard to explain. I learnt a lot of geo, and the class spent about 10 minutes interrogating me as I did my self introduction so they could improve their chinese. I was quite impressed with the level of their chinese actually haha. And some chinese exchange students are coming on the 22nd :) It's so convenient that I'm chinese haha.

Okay so now it's 5pm, most ppl can go home, but nooo I get to go to arts plastiques. I thought it was gonna be pretty cool cuz they did sculpture last week (like, little heads out of clay) and some sketches that I recognised as exhibition pieces from centre pompidou :O what a coincidence... but no, we did abstraction. Ffff... like the only thing I'm completely unfamiliar with and dislike doing. Like wtf... Anyway I had no idea wtf I was doing and my piece ended up looking quite ordinary and random, just like everyone else's.

8pm finish, went home. Bought a pain au chocolat and walked home the long way cuz I felt like it.

FRIDAY:

English first thing in the morning, it's actually rather difficult because we have to translate from french --> english and english --> french. A bit ironic that the reason I find english class hard is because of the french... hahaha can't be helped I guess. It seems everything I do is improving my french though, which is good :)

I was late for physics/chem because I couldn't find the classroom I was supposed to be in and I got pwned by the teacher lololol... I walked in without knocking and he made me go back outside and knock and then come in hahaha, and then he was like "..well?" and i was like ":O I'm late." and he was like "yes I can see that, go sit down" hahahahaah... they had a test that I had to join in as well. The chem questions were easy, the physics one I couldn't understand because they were in french. Also I couldn't respond to the ones I could understand because I had to respond in french obviously. There was a fire drill during the test as well so I had even less time to rummage through my dictionary lol... kind of annoying @@ a girl asked me if I wanted the answers to the test during the drill haha but it's against my morals to cheat :P plus I don't care if I get a shitty mark, so I was like "I understand nothing, but nahhh it's okay :)"

After that I went to Chinese, where we read a piece on friendship. Most people got the general meaning, I was able to read almost all the words which is good. I think my chinese might improve while I'm here as well, since I have to talk to the chinese teachers, Yilin and some others in chinese haha. It's good! This trip to france is so good for me :P

Had SVT after 2 frees, which is like bio. Had to borrow a labcoat from a guy in my class who had physics that period, kinda got some blood and guts over it so felt a bit bad about that, hopefully he didn't notice...

Dissections are the only good things about studying bio. :P haha and the girl in front of Blanche and me took her tweezers and made the tongue of our mouse poke out as if it was dead like the animals in the cartoons hahaha. she couldn't do that with her own one because she had a frog. But I thought that the people here are a lot less squeamish about dissections than back at home. well the other girl in our group was quite disgusted but I don't think anyone else was affected that badly. They did smell like dead things though..

Had physics again, we were doing a simulation and modelling a ball in freefall. I found it extremely frustrating because I know how to do it, but I can't express myself because I can't speak french, and when other people make mistakes I want to correct them but I can't because they are convinced that they are correct but I can't convey my logic in a good way because I CAN'T SPEAK FRENCH... arghhh ): so frustrating!!!

went home after that, was pretty tired, bought a pain au chocolat as usual on the way back through the bakery.

ALSO: this cereal is the most addictive thing ever

I took a handful as I got home with a glass of milk. Omg I'm not gonna be able to eat much for dinner tonight hahaha... gonna get fat from cereal hahahahaah...

my hate affair with fruit

2011-01-02T02:43:00.004+13:00

angry fruit by ycee

A lot of people have been like :O when I tell them that I dislike fruit. And, I am very selective in my dislike for certain fruits. Since coming to France I've noticed that my family assumes that just because I hate strawberries I also hate strawberry yoghurt, or just because I like apples I also like apple crumble. So, I'm making a blog about this to sort everything out so that if anyone wants to feed my fruit for any reason in the future they will know their way around my bizarre fruit preferences.

APPLES -- I like the fruit, but only cut. I can't eat an apple whole. I dislike cooked apples, including in apple pie, apple crumble, etc etc. I also hate apple puree. I like apple juice.

STRAWBERRIES -- I dislike strawberry as a fruit, but like it as a flavouring in ice cream, cake, yoghurt etc. Same goes for RASPBERRIES and BOYSENBERRIES. Also I like jam of these 3 flavours :) But, it can only be a sometimes food. Sometimes I just feel like boysenberry ice cream, while other times I don't want it at all.

BLUEBERRIES -- My favourite type of muffin. I like blueberries mainly I think. I've only had whole blueberries on top of yoghurt and I think I liked it, but I'm not sure. Does anyone actually eat blueberries by themselves?

WATERMELON -- Like watermelon in general, watermelon juice is awesome in summer. Seedless is best because I am lazy. Similar to how I don't like eating most types of fish because they have too many bones and I just cbf sorting out the meat from the bones.

ORANGES -- Like oranges, except if they are too sour. I like orange juice. Must be cut in slices, I can't stand taking the peel off because it makes me think the orange has become a mandarin.

LEMONS -- I like lemonade, and I think the flavouring is alright for me. I don't think anyone eats lemons whole, but yeah it's too sour. Maybe with sugar? I like lemon tea. Lemon juice is nice on some meats as well.

TOMATOES -- I will eat it if I have to but I do not particularly like it. I like tomato sauce, dislike raw tomatos in general, dislike cooked tomatoes slightly less but still not great. Tomato juice is... idk, I've never tried it, but it feels to me a bit like drinking tomato sauce which is ... yeah.

AVOCADO -- I like them in moderation. I don't like them once they are overripe and disgusting. I like them in sushi and on toast. I like them to eat on their own.

GRAPES -- I like the flavouring, not the fruit. Dislike raisins/sultanas. I know sultanas don't come from grapes.

PINEAPPLE -- I have grown to be able to stand it in pizzas now, other than that I hate it.

PEARS -- I distinctly remember liking them at one point in my life, although I have refused to eat them since for some reason. I'm not sure if I dislike them, but I will refuse to eat them.

PEACH/PLUM/APRICOT/FEIJOA/MANGOES/BANANAS/KIWIFRUIT/MANDARINS/CHERRIES/DATES/FIGS/ETC ETC/RANDOM FRUIT -- I hate them in all forms.

Anything conventional not on this list I will likely refuse to try. I say conventional because things like cocoa and vanilla are technically fruit, but nobody actually eats them as fruit lol.

WHY do I hate all these fruit though? Honestly I'm not sure. Although it seems stupid and I'll admit that, I feel like there's just something very unclean and disgusting about fruit. Like, they are picked from off a tree and people just eat them, and they are wet on the inside and have natural sugars... Idk why I find that disgusting, it's not really if you think about it but idk. That can't be the only reason obviously since there are fruit that I actually do like... and I eat vegetables and herbs which also come straight from plants. I'm just weird? ......

BONNE ANNEE! 2011!

2010-12-31T07:30:00.003+13:00

So yeah. It's 7.30am on 31 December 2010 in NZ. And I thought I'd do this now, because I have nothing better to do. So... Happy New Years! Early, yes. Maybe I'll leave this til actual new years to post so that it's not randomly at the end of my december archives...

This year's been an... interesting one. Went back to read last years new years post and I remember it clearly as if it were yesterday. I find it funny how the lantern came down after it went up, I remember distinctly thinking that it was a bad omen. Tbh it was kinda. This year wasn't that great for me. So much depressing shit happened, but I'm really thankful that I still have some really close friends who I know will stick by me no matter what happens. There have been times this year where I felt really alone, like I couldn't talk to anyone or trust anyone. But I DO have people who are willing to help me out in those times, I know that now :) I owe them all so much. And maybe I'm still not particularly mature, or independent, and I complain a lot, and I'm whiny and all of those things, and sometimes I don't understand why anyone would put up with me, but I'm so glad that they do. So to those people who love me unconditionally, who love me even at times where I hate myself, thank you so much...

Back to last years NYRs? Let's see how I did...

1) Do well on your SATs. I expect at least a 2200. Retake as many times as necessary. -- Done and dusted, first time's the charm :)
2) Concentrate on school! -- I guess we will have to wait for NCEA results to come out. If I get another A, I swear I'll... ... yeah I'll send it back for reconsideration. Maybe even Ms.
3) Don't ignore your friends and social life either! -- wow I ask so much balance of myself. I think at times this year it's been hard for me to go out but nonetheless I try to take time for my friends.
4) Make the most of all the opportunities you've got in 6th form -- ugh... I hope I did this???
5) Mature!!! Know when and how to handle different situations well etc. -- I think this happened. I went through a lot of weird situations this year haha. Don't know if I handled them well or not though @@
6) Get more fit hahahaa -- .........FAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
7) Be more independent :] -- not sure, probably a bit more independent haha. natural part of growing up? :)
8) GET ENOUGH SLEEP -- YES :) most of the time I have gotten enough sleep. to the point where I was not jetlagged at all when I came to France :D yayyy for sleep

Man I just completely forgot to finish this post, so I will do it now. Probably says that it's posted at 12am on jan 2 but it's ACTUALLY new years here kk :)

SO! 2011 NYRs!
1) Make this year much much better than 2010
2) Become more open :)
3) Do things I want to do, not things I feel obligated to do
4) Push boundaries -- both my own and external boundaries
5) Dedicate myself to the things I love 120%
6) Complain less
7) Get more fit. Because I didn't do it last year. ):
8) Have more reasons to smile than frown :)

the bowling alley

2010-12-30T06:46:00.010+13:00

A short story. Based on a dream I had a few nights ago :)
also I went to the eiffel tower today. whatever though, right?

-----------------

I joined the bowling club when I was 16 years old. I had nothing to do last summer, and I didn't really want to get a job so I told my parents that I'd take up a sport. Granted, I'm not too keen on getting sweaty for the sake of some points, so I took up bowling since it seemed fun and not too stressful... Apparently I was wrong.

Everything was going pretty normal. I was with a few other kids my age who were just starting out as well. Some of them were awful -- honestly I still have no idea how it's even possible for someone to aim so perfectly into the gutter each and every time, but the majority of everyone else was on about the same level. After the end of our second week together, our coach, who was a pretty blonde lady called Dana, told us about weekend games if anyone wanted to come and play. You could tell that nobody was really interested; the life of a teenager revolves around partying in the weekends after all. As I was packing up to leave though, she came up to me and passed me a piece of paper.

"I expect to see you there", she winked.

"Wait... I'm pretty busy in the weekends though", I replied nervously.

"Oh no, it's not about that. Those weekend games are rubbish. Just look at the form and see you there", she spoke quickly, without really looking at me.

I unfolded the note and saw that it had just an address and a time -- 7.30pm tonight. I thought that I might as well check it out since I had nothing else to do... and so began my year of chaos.

Bowling 15's by ggarfield

The address, as it turned out, led to a back alley cafe that was extremely run down and appeared to be empty. Upon arriving though, Dana came out of the door and quickly whisked me inside, looking around cautiously. I seriously thought I'd become part of some underworld drug deal at that point, but the truth was something you couldn't have imagined -- a set of stairs led down from behind the counter of the cafe into the most luxurious bowling alley I had ever seen. You might see it one day -- if in fact you count being blinded by neon lights and deafened by the loud booming coming from the DJ across the room as seeing anything at all.

I looked around. An old man who looked like he was a walking skeleton picked up a transparent bowling ball and slid it down the track effortlessly -- strike. That was Roger, as I'd later learn. A brunette girl who looked even younger than myself looked on, sucking on a lollipop, juggling another transparent ball between her hands -- Roger's grand-niece Cathy. The unbeatable team, apparently. I choked when Dana told me that their balls were made from reinforced glass -- solid, perfect, invisible.

Then there was the confident looking Japanese man in his 20s, sporting a shaggy haircut and italian leather dress shoes at a bowling alley, counting a huge wad of money. That was Takuya, who as I'd later learn, loved to talk about his brother. However, his descriptions of this so-called brother ranged from "he's the scariest guy you'll ever meet in the yakuza" to "ahh, he's so little and cute, you know he just learned to talk the other week, and now he can say TAKA, TAKA!" This was not at all aided by the fact that every time we met this brother he seemed to shapeshift -- from a quiet 14 year old boy to a 26 year old female singer-slash-model, from a grumpy middle aged man to an overly friendly golden labrador. A year later now, I'm doubting that he even has any siblings. As for his bowling, he throws the best curve shots anyone has ever seen -- a definite advantage in the ridiculous obstacle course games we have to play...

And me? You may already have guessed (although perhaps not believed), but I'd been invited into this exclusive elite bowling team. Apparently, I had 'potential'. This initially scared the shit out of me because I'd only been bowling for about two weeks. Gradually, I grew to enjoy it. Love it, even. Every month, we play a game for money with another team. Usually the winnings are around a few thousand bucks for each player, and although we've lost some, I've definitely made a profit. I gave up a lot to bowl, and I feel like I've discovered something I have a passion for, for the first time in my life. I guess I'm just telling you about all this so that when I miss this next shot my story will live on somehow -- because once I fail this my team's gonna kill me.

I'm faced with a short vertical wall going down the middle of my lane, exactly cutting half the pins off from the other. The objective is to throw the ball so that it knocks down all the pins on one side of the wall, then hit the gutter so hard that it would travel a bit up the side of the lane, come down either onto the wall or over it, and knock down the other half of the pins. And I have a nasty feeling that it's harder in practice than in theory...

The bet on this game is $10 000 per player. I only have about $6 000 in my bank account at the moment. I think everyone else in my team can pay up their share, but they'll kill me for making them lose 10 grand.

I exhale, close my eyes and watch the shadows of the neon lights light up my eyelids. After an eternity, I open them again, wishing that my heart knocking against my ribs were the ball knocking against the bowling pins. The weight of the solid sphere in my left hand seems to double as I wished the earth would come up to swallow me whole. I inhale slowly, take my step forward... and let go.

days with friends :)

2010-12-29T07:29:00.003+13:00

Well in the last 2 days I met up with friends from school, which was really nice cuz I got to speak english again haha. Yesterday we went to Musee de l'Armee, where I didn't understand much since I don't do history, but the exhibitions were cool I guess. Then today we went to the opera, gallerie lafayette and champs elysses/saw the arc de triomphe. It was pretty tiring haha, lots of walking.

So like, picking up just about anything in the luxury section is a bit scary because you see pricetags upwards of 1k euros quite frequently... saw a 3k euro leather jacket today as well. omg rich people... one day I'll be able to afford stuff there eh :P and most of the shoes don't have pricetags. As olivier said, if you have to ask for the price, you probably shouldn't be shopping there... @_@

ALSO, THIS:

ITS A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAINNNNN so cool :)

Between lafayette and champs elysses we decided to look for a nice cheap cafe to have a hot chocolate at because we wanted to go when it was dark so we could see the lights. Felicity had this idea that we would take the metro to a random station and then get off, because it was unlikely to be near any big tourist attractions so they would be cheaper. Evidently we chose the wrong stop because we ended up spending an hour going around in a huge circle looking for a cheap cafe but hot chocolates were all upwards of 4euros (about 8bucks nzd)... also I got stuck between the doors of the metro at chatelet ): second time that's happened now, happened once in the usa as well sigh. I'm just nooooob...

also spent ages going around banks trying to get change for me 500 euros but they refuse to deal with me because I don't have an account at their bank. siiiigh, I also tried going to the currency exchange but I have to convert to another currency and then convert back, and lose some money in the process =__= so I still have the money problem. I'm running out of emergency money too ): ahhhhh why dad whyyyy...

champs elysses at night is sooo pretty at xmas. the lights are like *___* even though I was so tired when I got there I was happy because the trees were so sparkly :)

MERRY CHRISTMASSSS

2010-12-27T04:26:00.004+13:00

23rd december -- ~10pm

OMFG I am tired. Blanche and 2 of her second cousins are in another room watching a movie (Tellement Proches, it's quite funny, although I think I only understood about 30% of what is said lol) but I decided to come back and go to sleep, except then I washed my hair and now I have to wait for it to dry before I can go to sleep.

Today we went to the town of Rouen in Normandy, where the famous cathedral is. It's sooooo big and pretty :O I probably won't have any photos at the time of posting because I am lazy and tired. Wikipedia it? We also visited the place where Joan of Arc was burnt at the stake. Now there's a very modern looking church there shaped like an odd mushroom and some christmas market stalls. It's weird to think that something of such historical importance happened at that place where you are at that very moment. It really hit me that wow, I'm actually in France right now :O I also met Blanche's maternal grandmother, who is very nice and tries to speak english with me even though it's quite bad, and she speaks slowly in french which is a good thing haha. She explained a lot of stuff to me.

Today also was the first time ever in my life that someone asked me where exactly in Australia I came from =__=

Tonight, we had a special cake dessert for a great aunt who's celebrating her birthday today :) It was so nice, the extended family + some random exchange student singing happy birthday to her. And the cake was quite nice as well. Coming from someone who usually dislikes cakes that's saying something :D

Christmas is so soon!! Well 12 hours sooner for my friends in NZ than for myself, but still, so soon! Another year gone ): when are NCEA results coming back? ...It's so sad that that's my natural line of thought after thinking about Christmas.

----

So, now it's the 26th. A few hours after typing all that ^ I got up in the middle of the night and threw up. then went back to sleep and repeated again a few hours later. I would rather not spare the details but I spent the whole of the 24th in bed, not eating but sleeping, reading the 3rd harry potter book, listening to music and feeling like I was on a ship out at sea.

Christmas was actually really nice. Look at all the presents under the tree! :O And this isn't even when all the presents were there haha. Shows exactly how big the extended family is eh? @_@ I was surprised that I got a few presents from my host family :) I got some rosewater tonic, a little box of cakes, 2 french comic books (tintin and the like) and felix got me a sketchpad :) cute.

At night was the big concert, I had 2 lines in the play and I played River flows in You on piano for them :P hahaha it was nice to be included though. Also watched many french films and american movies dubbed in french while I was in Normandy, including Le petit nicholas, neuilly sa mere, enchanted, devil wears prada... ... i think that's it? oh and the 2nd half of percy jackson.

It's kinda sad how quickly the sun sets in the winter. I'm really missing the nz summer sun ):

I also kinda realised today as we were driving back to Paris that I have actually never seen a scarecrow in my entire life. Has anyone actually seen one? In real life I mean, not in movies and books and stuff. Random thought of the day I suppose haha...

okay screw this its way too cold, im gonna go take a hot shower and hope that i dont throw up after dinner tonight cuz we're eating out at a restaurant.

by popular demand, a short update

2010-12-27T04:09:00.003+13:00

I got food poisoning

threw up 3 times on xmas eve morning

stayed in bed all day, no food

ate a bit on xmas

probably got drunk on tiramisu

threw up 3 more times on the 26th (today)

fuck yeah it's been a great xmas. GG

jokes guys, real update coming soon. obviously havent had time to do anything due to being sick.

another update from normandy

2010-12-23T22:44:00.002+13:00

Ah... today is my mum's birthday and since I'm not there nobody gets cake ): poor brother. Even though usually I don't even eat that much cake haha. Well I did send her a txt and go online earlier this morning to tell her again :) to which she nagged me about being more polite and joining in and asking blanche's mum about her life and how she became so successful... right, I can't even understand when Blanche asks me what time I want to wake up let alone ask her mum about her university degree and job =__= Things I have discovered so far: she has green eyes and wears a blue sweater while the father has blue eyes and wears a green sweater. It's kinda cute :) and she must have a certain type of coffee in the morning otherwise she gets grumpy. She wears chanel no. 5. Yes that's all I've got.

I've been having the weirdest dreams while here. The other night I dreamt I pierced my ears but the guy missed and instead pierced my face (yeah, wtf?) and I left without paying accidentally. Also Tony and I stole packets of salmon and tuna from Mrs Reid's office, and Yujie and Jamie were running in circles around in the quad randomly (I'm sure anyone on facebook probably knows all this already though hahahaha).

Right now it's right after lunchtime and the guinea pigs are free to roam around the room :) This morning, after I got back from the cafe, they were practising a play in the theatre. I have 2 lines hahaha. Well it was nice for them to include me but I'm sure I'll stuff up haha. Last night after dinner we also did a canon choir of sorts with 8 people haha. It went like this: Everybody loves Saturday night, Everybody loves Saturday night, Everybody, Everybody, Everybody, Everybody, Everybody loves Saturday night. :) my daily dose of english I suppose haha.

LATER –

Well I had to stop there cuz we went to this little village about an hour's drive away. It was quite pretty :) I am transferring photos as I speak. Blanche just commented on my fast typing. Now I feel somewhat self conscious @@ Hmmm... well as we drove there was just a field of white snow. Her dad told me that normally it's all green :O It's amazing how even after a full winter of snow things can still grow abundantly. I guess there's a kind of moral to be learnt there too haha. Somehow that reminds me of something that happened on the way here... While still in Paris and we were driving here, a man randomly fell over in the middle of the road. After that, a lot of people came to help him. I thought that was really nice. Blanche's dad even got out of the car to call the ambulance. There were a lot of people tooting and just driving past, but a regular woman helped to direct the traffic while everyone else helped him up and tried to find out what happened. I thought that was really nice :) gave me warm fuzzies haha. Oh and the ambulance arrived in like 1 minute. I swear, so efficient here :O

Can't help but feel that today was much more productive than yesterday. I learnt a lot more of her cousins' names and her dad told me what the situation was anyway. Apparently he doesn't even know some of their names so ALLLG.... haha. It's pretty much the extended family up to second cousins. That explains why there are so many people... and he told me about his grandmother who was a violin teacher, which is why the whole family is very violin-centric. It's actually really cool imo. His aunt (father's younger sister) used to be a professional musician and now she conducts when the family plays. His uncle plays viola and his father plays cello. About ½ of my 'generation' in the family plays violin including Blanche and Felix, who had his debut on stage with the family orchestra tonight :)

There's a real big range of ages here which is nice. There's even a set of baby twins haha, one boy and one girl. It's pretty full on. Aww the cutest 2 year old arrived today as well, one of Blanche's 2nd cousins. He makes the :C face when he's just staring at you, and after the orchestra is done he does a little dance and claps and says BRAVO!! haha :) so cute

A few more people talked to me today, which was good. Except, cue many faces of confusion as I have no idea what some of them are saying @_@ A cello cousin who I differentiate as the one who wears chucks because he looks a lot like his younger brother asked me about school and stuff and I found it very difficult to answer because the school system is so different... Oh and I also passed him an empty carton of milk this morning so I felt a bit bad about that. I was gonna say there's no more milk as I gave it to him but he took it and said thank you and tipped it upside down and realised it was empty before I could piece the sentence together in my head.... but I think he's nice. I don't really know, he seems quiet. Then again compared to him I'm probably still considered to be an antisocial recluse zzz... whys my french so shitty....

A few people asked me if I understand everything HAHA I'm like noooo only a little bit D: but I think it's good that a lot of people know how hard it is for me haha. The piano cousin told me how when he spent 1 year in chicago last year he couldn't understand anything or respond haha. So I guess I don't feel toooo bad haha... progress is slow though haha still get a lot of awkward situations, but they have decreased in frequency, probably because I have learnt to accept awkwardness more than anything else tho...

It's snowing outside.

They're having a kind of party in the theatre right now but I left. Maybe I should have stayed? But Blanche is in the room atm resting and reading so idk. It's weird to be around the rest of them without a reason to be there lol. Oh and I'm tired. -excuses to not speak french-

Yessums. I suppose I will sleep now? I'm sure I've left out like 99% of what happened but I have a terrible memory ): I think that I actually enjoy seeing a wall of text that I have written, despite how others think it's too long LOL. It makes me think that I have actually done a lot of work I guess? Still missing Auckland though. ):

an update from normandy

2010-12-22T05:37:00.003+13:00

Yesterday I also read the whole of Chobits. It was shorter than I thought it would be :O less than 100 chapters. But it made me remember why I love CLAMP :) their art is so nice~

Well anyways here I am in Normandy. We're at this... resort place? I guess. It's very music based, even the curtains are music related :) and there are like 10+ pianos that I have seen just randomly around the place. It's snowy and pretty and completely different to everything I'm used to. I met a lot of Blanche's cousins (and she has a lot) and I'm pretty sure I've already forgotten all of their names @__@

It's quite cold here, and walking in the snow is both tiring and fun haha. But not when you fall over... not that I've fallen over yet :) well, nearly. But haven't actually yet hahaha. They're taking random photos now lol. I wish I could speak more frenchhh... either that or I wish I had an infinite amount of credit on my phone so I wouldn't feel bad about txting people back home zzzz.

I think there is free wifi here at the mill but it's a bit far away so I probably won't go down there again today (I went there already but I didn't bring my laptop). But, good news is, all the photos are now already on my laptop and ready to be uploaded :)

Arrived last night here at about 9pm reallllyy tired and hungry. But it's allg. This place is pretty nice :) I think everyone in her family plays some kind of instrument... There is one very cute male cousin who plays the piano very well :) Now you see why I want to know french? Hahaha jkjk. But seriously, everyone is sooo musical x.x I feel completely out of place haha. Actually it inspires me to go back to playing piano. There's not much I have to offer except a noob's rendition of Beethoven's fur elise and river flows in you @.@ I really want to play some other famous classical pieces. But ofc that's what I always say and I never act on it. Maybe this time will be different? Idk, it's really cool to be able to play music. It's like the universal language. No matter how much I'm sick of hearing french, music here is like my escape. I can listen to the music everyone is playing and understand it better than I can understand the french that comes out of their mouths haha. Some pieces I've always wanted to learn are Beethoven's moonlight sonata, Debussy's clair de lune and a few Chopin pieces...

I'm finding it quite hard to express myself as well as understand what other people are saying. Lol it's quite awkward at times when people ask me stuff and I have no idea what they said. I think it makes them think that I'm stupid or something. Well I guess I can see why, it's just natural to think that of someone who doesn't speak your own language. I think I can take this experience to treat foreigners better when I get back to NZ as well hahahaha... but at least nobody is actually mean to me I suppose. WHY CAN'T SOMEONE SPEAK ENGLISHHHH... I think it's a bit hard for me to get really close with most of these people anyway though as well. Like, they're a bit younger than me. Typical 14 and 15 year olds I suppose. Different interests I suppose? ): I am too old and mature...

On the other hand I think complete submersion is also good for me. My dreams are now occuring in franglais that doesn't actually make sense but that I know the meaning of in my head (well I would hope so since I made it up in my subconscious haha). I've had quite a lot of strange dreams since I got here. Many of them make me miss my friends at home badly ): I'm usually not one to get homesick, and it makes me realise that it's not the place I miss, but the people. I think you can go anywhere in the world and have fun if you're with the right people :) But right now I'm not with the ones I love the most TT So I miss them all and sometimes I feel quite lonely, especially when I see how close the family is here. Makes me think I should have postponed my flight to after new years like Clare and Lydia. I kinda can't wait for school to start lol, which is probably kinda weird for most of you haha.

Why do people keep saying that my blogs are too long anyways. They're not that long are they? I think it might just be the text size? I'm sorry if I have a lot to say LOL...

omg now I'm at the mill cafe. blanche left me here and expects me to get back to the main area by myself D: its about a 15 minute walk, and now it's 5.40pm and it's DARK.... and I'm planning to stay here a while since I need to upload photos. so, if I don't update again, assume the worst. ): I ADMIT IT, IM AFRAID OF THE DARK TT

k to finish here's girolle and truffe :P

day 2 in paris

2010-12-20T21:22:00.003+13:00

Not sure whenabouts I'll get to post again after this entry, since we're leaving for Normandy this afternoon and I think there's no internet over there. Although at this time of writing it's still Sunday night. I'm just taking into account that I'm going to post this tomorrow morning. Gosh that's confusing.

Well I guess Sunday afternoon, Blanche, Marin and I went to meet one of her friends and she took us to a museum of sorts which actually turns out to be some rich guy's house in the 18th/19th century. I found it really cool cuz I found a print of Jean Baptiste Chardin's monkey “Peinture” on the walls :O I used him as one of my artist references this year in printmaking haha. It was pretty surprising to see it on the wall... but it was such a beautiful big house/mansion. I can't imagine anyone living there though, it's really big and so... rich? Tapestries on every wall, vibrantly coloured carpets and furniture and gold plated candlesticks with motifs of griffons and dragons and stuff like that. Really rich people... there was probably enough paintings and prints on the walls to start a separate art museum @_@

Then we went to Aude (Blanche's friend)'s apartment where we had some cake and then went on youtube. It's interesting to note that the same popular videos back home and popular here :P we watched potter puppet pals' mysterious ticking noise and some of Remi Gaillard's videos. Hahaha some things never change.

Came home, oh yeah, they have this white harpsichord with black keys and wooden sharps/flats. At first I thought it was a piano with very little keys but it turns out it is a harpsichord. It takes a bit of getting used to because the keys feel very different. I played on that for a while because I'm supposed to have prepared something for some kind of musical gathering in Normandy. This family is very into music. The mother and father both play violins, Blanche plays the violin and the 2 brothers play the harpsichord :O As for me, I haven't touched the piano in like 2 years so yeahhhhhh a bit out of practice...

Anyways the father had some colleagues over, which was nice because there were 2 german people and 2 japanese people, so I wasn't the only one with imperfect french. If anything it was a good opportunity for me to listen to more french, especially by other people like myself haha. Marin let the guinea pigs loose, and their names btw are Champignon and Truf – mushroom and truffle (sorry, I have bad french so I heard it wrong the first time). Well a truffle is another kind of mushroom anyway haha. Yeah, then we had duck for dinner. It was sooo nice :O I realised that it's the first meat I've had since I got here, but it was so good. It was cooked steak style, in the oven. A bit raw on the inside. I like this way of cooking duck, I've decided :)

Hmmm it's 9.40pm. I should probably get to sleep and update this for real tomorrow morning. Ummm yeah. Laters.

NEXT DAY

I realise that I should probably upload more photos, but I keep leaving the cord downstairs and I can't be bothered going to get it. Typical lazy me eh. Leaving this afternoon at about 6pm apparently. I still haven't got a simcard or exchanged my 500 euro notes which I have been told nobody will accept because nobody uses them. :O thanks dad, now I have a lot of money that I can't use.

Otherwise I have nothing of note to report. I guess I'll update with a massive update in 5 days after I get back from Normandy? I think I'm going to take my laptop with me so that I can write as I experience things rather than trying to include everything at once which will probably lead to me missing out 80% of the stuff I wanted to talk about (Yes this always happens when I put off blogging).

DAY 1 IN PARIS

2010-12-19T05:30:00.001+13:00

Well today... I pretty much bummed around online for a few hours, talking to dad and some friends. Then due to the 12 hour timezone gap a lot of people went to sleep. Then I went to play a monopoly style boardgame with the 13 year old brother whose name I now have learnt is Marin :) I lost cuz I'm noob lololol... I guess those games between 2 people don't last very long @_@ I wanted to play real monopoly but he couldn't find the board for it. He tried to speak english with me which was very nice. Then we had lunch and I had the most terrible tasting raw vegetables. They were seriously so bitter I wanted to denature my tastebuds. Idk if it was the dressing on them or just the vegetables themselves. The worst thing was everyone else just ate it like it was normal. DDD: but other than that we had chilli con carne, which was very nice and somewhat made up for it, and some biscuits and coffee.

After lunch, Blanche, her dad and I went to the louvre :) It was soooo beautiful and way bigger than I had imagined. And I'd already imagined it to be pretty huge... the Mona Lisa was also bigger than I thought it was. Some paintings were just downright ENORMOUS though. :O I really love Italian renaissance paintings though. And the sculptures are nice as well... I especially liked Mercure Volant and La Victoire de Somathrace, even though it's not exactly in 1 piece haha. They don't have a very large collection of prints (I'm guessing, from the map, the areas allocated to prints and drawings are quite small, since I didn't actually get to see any), but I would like to see them... idk why printmaking is such a small medium in terms of popularity. It might actually be my favourite art form... or it might be sculpture. Hm.

Blanche's dad knows quite a lot about renaissance paintings, and she recently returned from Florence, so she knew quite a lot about Botticelli etc. Maybe all europeans are just very artsy? Idk haha but if I lived in Paris I would visit the Louvre every month or something. It's so beautiful D:

I found it quite interesting how there were so many people crowded around the Mona Lisa, while there was pretty much no one looking at Da Vinci's other paintings. It's as if everything is so beautiful and epic, and there's so much of it, that you only have time to look at the 'most important' pieces? I also think that 99% of the Mona Lisa's fame is derived from its fame. It's famous because it's famous lol... I'm sure a lot of people just go to look at it because it's famous, rather than because they have actual fascination. Personally I've already seen the image way too many times for it to be that important to me compared to other pieces in the gallery, many of which I find much more fascinating than the Mona Lisa.

Came home on the metro, took a shower, felt like sleeping but then figured I might as well go online when I can, but then I realised that it's 5am in the morning in nz and that there would probably be nobody to talk to, but when I logged in I remembered that my msn list has no life and 17 people were online. Also when I logged into MS to do ring quest there were 4-5 people online in the guild.... I'm pretty sure my friends are insomniacs.

NEXT DAY

Well I decided to go down after I wrote that ^ cuz I felt a bit antisocial and my ring quest was up haha. I have quite a lot of photos that I can't be bothered uploading... Today it's snowing really nicely and I think we're going to go to the Seine because apparently it's quite rare for the snow to get this thick (about 10cm is what Blanche's dad said). I'll try to take some photos. I didn't bring a camera though, so I'll have to use my phone haha.

Let me tell you all about more of Felix's hawwwness. At dinner last night after dessert he just went up behind his mum and hugged her from behind and started kissing her on the cheeks like muah muah muah muah like a little puppy :) it was sooo cute. And everyone was laughing and the mum was like okay okay that's enough, it's time to wash up now and he was like POURQUOIIII~~?? muah muah muah muah... hahaha so cute :)

After dinner, Blanche, Marin, Felix and I watched a french movie that failed cuz the projector kept going blue. But we managed to see half of it. Felix brought in 3 blankets that were bigger than he is and said they're to share :) hawww but his mum told him not to because they were dragging along the ground but he was like “noooo we'll get cold!”

But yeah after that I went to sleep and now it's the morning. Oh yeah they also have 2 guinea pigs called 'mushroom' and 'another mushroom'. I will upload that photo maybe tomorrow :P LATAS BROS I think I should wrap this up now cuz I actually have people to msn now hahaah.

IM IN FRANCE

2010-12-18T21:24:00.000+13:00

On my first half day in Paris, it snowed. :) After 27+ hours in the air, 2 transfers in Sydney and Dubai, I am finallyyyyy in France. I'm actually typing this out in a word document right now because I can't really update my blog since there's no wifi. But, I will try to publish it asap. It's been like almost 2 days since I have been cut off from the internet ): IT'S SO HARD TO DEAL WITH... TT I miss going on the world wide web (WWW) --- obviously we are meant to be together, our initials match. ):

Anyway I had an awww moment in Sydney while waiting for my flight cuz I was drawing in my sketchbook and this little boy sat down beside me in front of this pillar. He must've been around 8 or 9? Anyway as they were starting to board I closed my sketchbook and got up, and he showed me this notebook he'd been drawing in, and on the bottom he had written “you're a really good drawer”.... awwwwww it was so cute :) I was also contemplating whether I should buy Yujie that koala she asked for since I didn't actually initially realise that I had a stopover in Sydney, but I realised that I had emptied my wallet of all foreign currency and so I actually couldn't buy anything =.=

I'm sooooo sick of planes now. It was pretty much drifting in and out of sleep, watching a lot of Friends, and eating. I didn't really have enough attention span for a movie. Well I did watch the Liar Game movie, but that's Liar Game. I tried to watch The Other Guys after that, but then we had the stopover in Sydney and I never actually finished it. I fell asleep about an hour into Salt and just kinda gave up after that. There weren't that many films I wanted to see anyway :/ I actually got to have 2 dinners and 2 breakfasts because of the stopovers hahaha. Like, Plane A – dinner. Stopover in Sydney. Plane B – dinner. Plane B – breakfast. Stopover in Dubai. Plane C – breakfast. And technically only about a day has passed since I got on the plane (accounting for timezones and all that :P...). Ahh time screws with my head @_@

It's kind of weird to listen to everyone speaking French. It's like allll around me, and I can only really understand about 10% of it. In all other cases I just have to nod and smile. If they ask me something I hope to god I know what they're asking, otherwise I end up blank staring and juggling Oui..? Non...? Je ne sais pas...? Qu'est que c'est...? Je ne comprends pas... Anyway though hopefully I will soon get used to it and improve my French. It's totally exhausting though...

After I got off the plane at CDG at about 12.30pm, had to go through passport stamping and baggage claim, then there was no customs? o.o I just walked out. I actually threw away half a bar of Cadbury Old Gold before that because you're not allowed to take dairy products, but they didn't even check. What a waste of good chocolate! Anyway, Blanche's mum took me on the train into Paris where we met up with Blanche who has just returned after a trip to Italy :O Then I was allowed to the apartment where I had a shower and then Blanche took me out again to meet her friend Caterine-Marie and they pretty much showed me some of the streets and shopping places around the area. All on foot. @_@ SO TIRING... I'm not used to walking so much, especially 3 plane rides and trying to understand a foreign language hahaha. So tired now. Although... must be said, the type of good looking guy you see about once in a blue moon in NZ is in overabundance here. Pretty much 1 in every 5 guys is like :O niceeeeee. :P But I think it may have to do with the style of dress as well. Guys in scarves and double breasted coats :) nice.

It's SO COLD HERE though. My grandma was all like “nahhhh it won't be that cold.” TT cannot deal with cold or hot weather. NZ summer when it's not humid please............... have to go out with a hat, gloves, puffer jacket, sweater, thermal, jeans, socks + boots... I need to wear leggings or something tomorrow I think. Although, when you walk into a store it's like an instant heater~ so nice haha. But I'm probably gonna catch a cold soon. On the flight to Dubai this kid was walking down the aisle and TURNED TO ME to sneeze in my face ): lame kid.

NEXT DAY.
Okay so now it's about 9am here (about 9pm in NZ). I woke up about an hour ago. Heard it's been raining ever since I left. Awwww :P misses me. The kids in this family are SO RESPONSIBLE... :O I still haven't even seen the father, but Blanche (who's only 15/16?) and her brother who I still haven't figured out the name of who's 13 made dinner last night @_@ and it was so nice as well. I just got owned in cooking skill hahaha. And the little boy Felix, who's 10, is soooo cute. Last night he came into my room with this little stuffed hedgehog and put it under the shelf and was like SHHHH.... so cute :3 and also last night during dinner the 2 next door neighbour's kids came in to say hi to me. I feel so special and useless @_@ I can't really talk to anyone because my French is too shitty so I can only say oui or non ): and that's only when I can actually understand what they're saying. It's like they open their mouth and I expect something I can understand to come out but then it's French and I realise oh that's right, I'm in France now.

I wish I had some other way of taking up my time and hawww I miss the internet so much, but I can't take my laptop and ask them how to get on yet because it kind of died during the night since the battery doesn't last more than an hour on standby without charging so now I'm charging it. Oh look I just got a txt from my parents. My mum invites me to msn. ): INTERNETTTT....

Omg the father is a god. He speaks english to me. AND. He connected me to the internet. K time to publish this.

chasing your dreams

2010-12-14T21:34:00.003+13:00

You Have Three Wishes by bladebandit

Is chasing our dreams overrated or underrated? Many people have dreams when they're younger, but 99% of us do not actually realise those dreams of our childhood. Granted, people do change, and I would like to say that most people go on to do the things they love, but that's just not the case from my own experience. This has caused me to think cautiously about how I should look at things. On one hand it's important, especially in our world, to think about the realistic boundaries of our dreams. Money is important, which is why it's one of the factors that people take into account when deciding what to do with their lives. It's highly idealistic that everyone could live a happy life if they just do what they love. However, I also find it a terribly bleak and pessimistic view to say that dreams are worthless and that we should all do whatever reaps the most materialistic benefits.

I speak from the perspective of someone who doesn't really know what she wants, has no real passions or particularly strong dreams. There are things I enjoy, but I am willing to sacrifice them if need be. I suppose in a way it comes down to the individual's priorities and how much they value the 2 choices -- eg on one hand, a stable lifestyle, comfortable income, or something they love doing. I think most people will compromise though -- this is probably the category I fall under. There are some who are pressured by society, parents or otherwise to go down that path of monetary gain with little or no stimulation for their wants and needs, and there are those who drop everything and go straight for their dreams, regardless of whether they end up living in a box. I'm just wondering which one is better...

They say that if you do what you love, you will be successful and rich. Personally I think this is a load of crap. Agreed, there is a higher chance that you will do well in that respective field if you enjoy what you are doing, but even a stressed out doctor who hates his job is paid more than a teacher who loves what he's doing. Although, if the doctor values money, I suppose that also raises his 'love' for his job a little bit... I often see extremely talented artists on Queen St, begging for money because they're broke. I have a certain amount of respect for these people actually, because it's evident that they have pursued something they are interested in, and simply lost out because of life. But, these people hardly ever look happy to me. There are a lot of inspirational speakers who have been through hardships of chasing their dreams etc, experienced failure and then rose up to become international best selling authors (JK Rowling...) BUT, I always wonder, for that 1 person who succeeded, how many failed? It makes me wonder at what point you should stop chasing your dreams if they aren't working out and turn to something more stable instead. Or, if you should just go all the way if you already started something, because giving up is looked down upon, even if the chances of succeeding are so extremely slim?

How should we view life? I realised that at school we are given an extremely wonderful view of the world, but I have doubts about the reality that exists out there. Then again, it could just be that after St Cuths we somehow all have a magical gateway into the real world that is blessed with good luck and fortune. I don't like to kid myself, and I'm fully aware that for the greater majority, life is no such walk in the path. This makes me feel pessimistic sometimes even though I don't intend to be, because so many people seem to have an extremely idyllic view of the world. I question my perspective all the time, whether I am being too pessimistic or depressed. Honestly I don't think I'll ever figure it out, but I can't help the way I think. I would -like- to think that the world is a good place, but evidence trumps imagination.

On the other hand, it's dangerous to go through life thinking about it simply in terms of the negatives. I think it's important to have a certain amount of simplistic, ignorant love for the good things around us. Shallowness is something that is necessary, otherwise we would probably have gone insane already. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy :P Man I have gone really off topic now that I look at the title. HAHA... Oh well. I guess it's kind of relevant? You have to have some dreams. And if you're going to dream, I think you should dream big. But, don't expect all your dreams to come true, and accept that failure is just a part of life. I try not to expect much anymore (well at least less than before), and instead be met with surprises :) I think it's working out alright so far, but sometimes it's hard haha. And I think we can agree that if you don't fear failure, none of this is relevant. Just go for it :P Got nothing to fear anyway right? Too bad fear of failure is all too common.

I think this blog post pretty much went in circles. I apologise for fragmented thoughts, it really was just composed as I typed... @__@ usually I think about a few main points for a few days before blogging, but this was really spontaneous zzz... oh well, anyway I'm leaving for Paris on Thursday. I'll try to blog while I'm there but I don't know if I will have access to internet. But here's hoping, right? :) laters

truth and insanity

2010-12-09T23:13:00.011+13:00

Insanity by x-your-suicide-rose

As everyone who has ever taken a philosophy class in their life probably knows, there is no set 'truth'. I guess it's been talked about again and again -- What is truth? How do we know what we believe is 'true'? Does the truth even exist? Do we influence reality or is reality independent of our perception? If it is dependent on our perception, how can anything be 'true'?

This then leads to my second thought... how can we tell if someone is insane? If there is no known truth, their perception of the world may very well be just as legitimate as ours. For example, take the person who hears voices. For all we know, they could actually be ghost whisperers, able to hear the voices of the dead. If this is so, is it not possible that the person's perception of the world is actually more accurate than the person who does not hear voices? They are able to perceive things that we cannot -- if there is a set reality and 'truth', independent of our perception of the world, it is very possible that they could be experiencing more of it than we are, right? After all, there is no scientific disproof of the existence of spirits. It's just one example, but it could be anything. Anyway, one example like this makes it possible for us to consider the possibilities...

We cannot prove who is right -- we only judge based on what is normal. But as we have learned from the past, what is accepted as true and 'normal' may turn out to be incorrect. Interestingly though, those who go against the norms always seem to be put down or regarded as foolish or indeed, insane. Take Galileo, the father of modern astronomy. When he first proposed that the earth revolved around the sun as opposed to Copernicus' accepted theory at the time that everything revolved around the earth, the church threw a fit and put him under house arrest for several years. Is it not possible then, that these 'insane' people with 'mental issues' that are placed in asylums today are seeing a greater truth? I'm not saying that they are, I'm just saying that the possibility exists.

Insanity is a strange subject actually. You can never really tell if you're insane, since a requirement is for you to fully believe everything you think -- it's not a label you decide for yourself, but a label others put on you if you are deemed to be too unique or different from the conventional way of thinking. You can never say that you ARE sane, because that just goes against you once everyone else is firmly set on the idea that you are insane. It seems to me that psychiatrists and psychologists work a lot with 'mentally unwell' people, but what's to say that it's a defect at all? Is it not slightly prejudiced to label those who have different thought patterns as insane? Who decides how our minds are supposed to be?

Having said that, many still don't regard psychology to be a real science. It's a developing study, and not a lot is known about the brain or how it works. This of course has led to many horror movies and games about mental asylums (try Asylum626. warning it's R18, you have to enter birthdate respectively. and it's only playable between 6pm and 6am.) No one really knows what goes on in asylums, and no one really knows what's going on inside an insane person's head. Is this just fear of the unknown?

Don't get me wrong, psychopathy is fucking scary from the perspective of the 'sane' man, probably due to its obvious clash with the moral codes ingrained in us (up to debate whether they are learnt and imposed on us by society or part of our being), but I just found myself wondering some things. Interesting to think about, I hope.

Yes I did watch Shutter Island recently btw.

how I became the strange person I am today and random thoughts in between

2010-12-05T22:37:00.006+13:00

Lately I feel so lonely, but at the same time I'm kind of sick of people. I'm weird like that... Actually I've never really been 'normal'. As a baby I didn't cry and I hated to eat and bathe. From a young age I tended to ignore people around me, didn't really like to talk to people and preferred to spend long periods of time playing by myself, never needing attention from my parents. It got the point where my dad thought I was autistic. He was apparently really happy when I started making friends in primary school. Now that I think about it though I only remember at my kindergarten there was a girl who liked to bully me but I kept quiet about it because it didn't bother me that much. I recall one time she threw sand at me from behind and some got onto the shirt of the girl in front of me, and I helped her brush it off even though I had sand all through my own hair. Sounds nice but whatever, didn't think much of it back then.

When I got to my first primary I remember there was this one girl I wanted to be friends with but her other friend didn't like me much, but we played together anyway because we both wanted to be friends with her. Her other friend was harsh to me at times but I put up with it because I wanted to be friends with the girl. After I switched schools after Year 1 I guess I had some kind of revelation that girls are complicated and that I'd just play with the boys from then on. But since my grandma liked to dress me in dresses and tights she'd always yell at me when I got home with holes in my stockings from tripping over because I was running around. I remember so many lectures about how girls were 'supposed' to be graceful and elegant and not run around and be rough with boys. I really resented it back then. I didn't understand gender roles and I still don't. I remember swearing to my dad when I was about 7 that I would never like shopping ever in my life haha because I was so tired of walking around the mall with my mum.

I don't remember the in between years much. But I still talk to my friends from then sometimes. I hate it when my mum asks me how ____ is doing, because I normally don't know and I don't understand why she's so interested anyway, and every time my response is the same so it bothers me how she keeps asking the same thing time after time.

Sometimes I wonder how everyone from back then turned out. I see some of their facebook pages and it's funny how some people seem to stay the same while others change a lot. The ephemeral and fickle nature of youth eh? Sometimes I also wonder how I might have turned out, if I didn't go through certain events in my life. What would I be like if I stayed in Henderson? If I never went to St. Cuths? If I didn't go to china camp? My life would be very different in all 3 situations, yet they are such small changes in the grand scale of things.

How do those around us shape us? How do we, in turn, shape those around us? During peer support training I heard a lot about the dramas of year 9, but honestly I never experienced them. I do not even recall being nervous or frightened of anything in year 9. There was not much drama for me, but when I hear about the other things that have happened in this 'crucial year' I realise that I had no idea any of that was going on while I was there. Is it a case of not noticing things while they are happening? (I do tend to be pretty unobservant)

I am not even really sure how hard I work. People often tell me that I work quite hard to achieve the things I do, but it feels like nothing for me. This worries me a lot because it's as if I'm not really controlling my own life, it's like things just kind of happen and it doesn't affect me that much.

If I think about it though, nothing really affects me that much. When I had my surgery this year, my parents were more concerned for my health than I was. They have this idea that it was much worse than it actually was. Sometimes when I'm on the bus I think about what would happen if the bus crashed and I died. I often try to imagine the things I would regret, but I can't think of anything, except maybe not living longer. Sometimes when I'm on a high building I wonder if I would survive if I jumped. Not actually suicidal obviously, but I do wonder what would happen if I just got up and jumped off. Often I look at myself in the mirror and feel like I'm just thoughts trapped in this body. It's not really mine, just a medium for me to do things through.

Apparently I have pretty imba luck. I don't know where it comes from or if it even exists, because I have a feeling it's just something in certain people's heads, but I do feel pretty lucky for the life I have. But a lot of people have a life like mine, and I don't feel especially lucky compared to them or anything.

Sometimes I look at the people around me and wonder if any of them ever have the thoughts I have, and to what extent. It seems that most of the time they seem to be really superficial and thinking about things that do not really matter. I do often listen to things people say and think to myself like, wow, they have nothing else to worry about? But actually I'm quite jealous because I can't enjoy the simple things as well as them. When I have nothing particularly deep to think about I get very bored with life, as people would know. I AM able to enjoy the very very simple things in life, like the sunny days at the beach, and the constant downpour of a thunderstorm at night. But everything in between the very simple and the deep... I get sick of it.

From time to time I get really unmotivated with life. I honestly ask myself, whats the point? every time I do something. Most of the things I do I regard as activities to pass time with, where the sole purpose is to waste time. I'm not even that excited to go to France. It just seems like something I have to do to get to next year. And next year is something I have to do to get to uni...

Lately I've been feeling quite trapped, but I'm starting to get to the fuck it all stage. I seriously just don't care anymore. I do whatever the hell I want and no one can do anything about it. Problem being, I don't want to do anything. Just sitting at home like a slob all day... Well tbh if I had the money I would move out of the house in a heartbeat. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just run away and start a real life already. Crazy I know.

Sigh, whatever.

just.. bored.

2010-12-03T22:56:00.002+13:00

I wanted to blog about a lot of stuff for a long time, but when I finally felt like opening up this page none of it really came to my mind.

Hmm I just realised that one of the sites I used to frequent is no longer online. ): sparrow.net.tc... it was a relatively small site, quite personal. It was actually one of the inspirations for me to learn more about html and the like. I think the girl who ran it was called Annie? Not sure haha. Anyway yeah that's a bit sad. It's weird that something so small has had such a big impact on who I am, and now it's gone ):

My laptop battery is also pretty much dead... 70% = 27 mins remaining.. sigh

In other news, I am bored as hell, waiting for the holidays to start/be over/whatever... I know it's a bad way to think but I really just cbf lately.

Look I can't even focus on making a proper blog post. omg I just accidentally closed the window. Thank god there's autosave.

FFFF this....................................... I'll update tomorrow. Going to the beach. Hopefully it'll be fun. Otherwise I might die of boredom.

Oh yeah & happy summer guys lol.

hooooly crap I am so bored

2010-11-28T22:07:00.006+13:00

7 Deadly Sins Meme... stolen from yujie

Part 1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
1) I'm awesome. That's all that needs to be said.

2) Tbh after the first one I don't really know what else to put. I guess I'll be specific? Well, I guess I'm pretty unique personality-wise. But a lot of people are like that so yeah, I don't like to feel too special. People have said that I am pretty atypical tho :) I mean who else camps in front of their computer on a Sunday night and types up large blocks of texts onto a blog because they have no friends?

3) I'm also great because I'm so forgiving I suppose. Sometimes I guess that could be used against me, but I reckon that's alright. Most of the time people deserve second chances. I don't like holding grudges against people, and at least if I don't like hanging out with someone I have the common sense to, you know, not hang around them.

4) I lead a pretty balanced life. I value the work that needs to be done quite highly, but I wouldn't consider myself to be a workaholic. I often say that I would not lose sleep over anything work related, and I stand by that. Relaxing and enjoying life is very important to me. Education is important, but it's not the most important thing in life. Actually several people have noticed this about me haha, so I guess it's a good trait.

5) I'm very open minded. I'm pretty much accepting of anything out of the ordinary, and I like to think that I respect other people's opinions. Well I hope so anyway, but I'm only human.

6) I'm fucking smart. Had to be said. -arrogant sniff-

7) I have a sense of humour! Oh goshhh haha how would I survive without being able to laugh at myself? :) I stuff up way too much to not laugh at all my mistakes haha. I guess as a result of that I'm also easygoing and don't really mind when people mock me :P which they do ofc. all the time.

Part 2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
1) Some hot rich tall boyfriend.

2) Actually, just money without the boyfriend would be alright too.

3) The ability to swim

4) Passion for something

5) Willpower and motivation

6) Looks. Well tbh I don't have that many problems with the way I look but hey since you asked I might as well ask for a 10/10 worthy appearance ;)

7) Everlasting youth

Part 3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
1) Ignorance and narrowmindedness

2) Consumerism. I hate how the world is wasting its resources to maintain the constant flow of money. It makes no sense on a global scale or as a system. People are just too caught up in it already that it seems like it's too late to do anything about it though sigh.

3) Irrationality

4) Discrimination based on sex/race/religion/whatever else there is. Actually today when I was in town a white guy muttered "chang chang china" a few times as we walked past. I was so tempted to turn around, flip him off, tell my friends to hold my shit while I went and beat him up while ranting and being extremely racist towards white people. But you know, ignoring my obvious physical weakness, I'm simply too much of a lady :P Seriously though, those who know me know that I would actually have the balls to do that if I was really pissed off.

5) Parents who try to control their children's lives. I guess it's especially applicable to asian families (stereotyping, but you have to admit it's true). Imo if the kid doesn't really enjoy what he's doing he's not going to succeed anyway. Then when he's having his midlife crisis and his parents are dead he'll be wondering why the heck he listened to them and threw away his dreams of being a tattoo artist to become an accountant. True story btw, there was a news feature in the NY times about this a few weeks ago. But at least he came to his senses and went back to art school. Come on parents, it's not your life to control.

6) Actually, pressuring and nagging from parents too. I actually recently discovered that I cannot stand talking to my mum because EVERY TIME we have talked in the last month or so she has brought up the subject of exams or university entrance or other people's exam results. I say fuck that, I'm not going to discuss what I don't need to worry about yet. Actually on the subject of other people's exam results, I think my mum is more interested in my friends than I am. Seriously who gives a crap about other people's exam results lol, I have my own to be worrying about...

7) I don't really know, I'm quite tired now from all that ranting. Ummmmmm......... let's just say I split my number 1 into 2, ignorance AND narrowmindedness. kk done. "But you can't do that!! you're cheating!!" Pshhhh don't tell me how to do my own meme.

Part 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.

1) Tidy my desk. It seems with each month that goes by, the height of my mountain of papers seems to grow faster than my hair does.

2) Homework

3) Eat fruit. That's more a case of disliking them than actual laziness though.

4) Backing up my harddrive... could turn out disastrous if my computer crashes...

5) Being nice to my brother. And I don't think I'll start anytime soon either. What a bitch! yea I know.

6) L2cook. Well I will these holidays hopefully.

7) Plan ahead. But... it's so pointless and annoying =__=

Part 5 - Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
1) Money

2) Designer shoes

3) Clothes

4) Private car + chauffeur

5) A plane. Yeah, like a private jet. With a pilot, obviously.

6) Penthouse apartment

7) Actually now that I go back and look, all the above can be solved with number 1) money. I guess that's what you get for asking for 'worldly material desires'

Part 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.

1) Maplestory

2) Gossip Girl

3) Eating a lot of ice cream and chocolate at once

4) Blogging too much

5) SC2 commentaries

6) Surfing study forums

7) Being told I'm awesome. Oh WAIT, that's just a regular pleasure. :)

Part 7 - Lust. Seven love secrets.

I don't think my private life is really something to be shared over the internet lol. Well you are welcome to ask, depending on how I feel at the time I might reveal some things or nothing at all. But I'm sure no one is ballsy enough, or more importantly, BORED enough, to ask haha... Honestly though, the more of a stranger you are to me, the more likely it is that I will reveal things. I'm quite careful about discussing my love life with people who are close to me, because I know that in our world society forms a lot of judgement based on people's private lives. Personally I find it wrong, but it does happen, so yeah. Sorry :P If I told you, they wouldn't be 'secrets' now would they? :)

pot luck #3

2010-11-26T18:20:00.007+13:00

Pot luck number 3 -- for any new readers of my blog POT LUCK is the series of random posts I do from time to time with little things that I think of that aren't big enough to warrant their own posts, + anything else random that may come up at the time.

LOOK HOW KOREAN I CAN BE! :P k I was just bored..

So today I helped this french guy find his way to this house (I think he was looking for roommates or something, not sure). It actually feels so nice when you can help someone out :) Since he was catching the same bus as me and he was looking for a house on Will's street, I figured I might as well help him out since I live like 2 streets away and he looked so clueless lol. Turns out he only just came here yesterday, aiming to spend the next year improving his english and traveling, maybe getting a job. I told him that I was going to Paris next month and he was like :O look out for the time difference... it's 4pm here when it's 4am there... fml I didn't know it was 12 hours... But yeah he was a pretty cool guy. It was only after I got home that I realised I never actually found out his name. Life's weird like that eh, it's so strange to think you meet these people randomly and never see them again.

Also today billy and I went into town, watched Due Date (pretty funny movie, by the same guy who did the hangover, Alan is in it, once again playing the serious but stupid guy. that actor is really good at that role... and Robert Downey Jr. is in it too :) So it's nice on the eyes), and played ULTIMATE jenga... also played 3d connect 4. you really have to think eh :O

you know, the more I think about it, I think I prefer life being simple. But at the same time, I appreciate the messiness in the world, the beautiful chaos. Just... not in my life. :P I find it real bothersome to plan stuff you know, it's like... just do whatever you want at the time that you want @@ and I don't understand how people create so much drama in their lives. I don't know, a lot of it just seems really petty and unnecessary. Many of the reasons I find people dislike each other are, in my opinion, really stupid and unfounded. Forgiving someone for past actions or ignoring them completely if you really can't stand them seems like a better course of action than trying to pretend to be friends with them when you actually can't stand them. Idk, like why would you bother? Simplicity and straightforwardness is the best way for me... I think for me this is one of the reasons I don't really like social etiquette either. I mean I abide by it cuz I don't wanna get beaten up, but the whole idea of it seems really unnecessary to me. Who really cares if you put your elbows on the table at dinner, or eat the last piece of food on a plate? Saying please and thank you, not chewing with your mouth open I understand, but some of the more traditional etiquette I really don't understand the use of.

Also, the other day, I got this email from myself in the past :O This is what it said:

well, some retarded thing just caused my entire email to get deleted ): but yeah, I think I'll just continue my train of thought. how did you find picking your subjects for year 13? how many new friends have you made? hmmmm for some reason I can't stop thinking about david and what he said about going to uni. they should have graduated already right? wow, how time flies... it's a melancholy thing to think about the future. the past is always bittersweet, the future unsure. I guess the best thing will always be the present, but it lasts for a millisecond and then turns into the past. it's important to cherish every millisecond before you have to look back on it bittersweetly!!! don't forget that! when you get this email, make sure to send another one to your year 13 self :] I guess year 13 will be a lot different from year 12 and year 11, especially with all the guys off to uni. I wonder what decisions you've made about will?? or has he betrayed your trust already? or maybe you're bored already? just as he said yesterday... =/

ANYWAYY i can't stay for long, I'd like to write more but since the retarded thing stuffed up the other part of my email, I can't be bothered regurgitating it so yeah. well, i hope you're happy with 2010, worked hard on calc schol and SATs... :]
SEE YOU IN A YEARS TIME haha

I think I wrote this sometime in november last year? When shuhua had it as her msn pm. I should probably write one again to myself in the future... but I'm so lazy. It's kind of depressing to read this actually haha. It's interesting how things turned out :P If you want to do the same, the url is www.futureme.org

and for anyone who has not yet seen this, DO IT... it'll take up 35 minutes of your life but I think you'll enjoy it :)

I love wongfu productions :)

I dyed my hair?

2010-11-15T19:06:00.004+13:00

Do you guys like it? Yes/no, suits me or not? :P

...

Lol no I didn't really dye it, I just photoshopped. D: but it's a nice brown, I'd like to try it :)

Off to fail my english exam since I didn't study...

new pokemon...

2010-11-14T08:47:00.016+13:00

so I woke up at 7.30am this morning randomly after sleeping at 12.30am, because my brain is retarded like that and refuses to let me sleep the standard 8 hours. Anyway I was bored so I went on serebii to check out the new black&white pokemon... ... well tbh some of them are pretty original, but let's compare the generations shall we lol?

Let's start with the starters... (HAHA. get it? :D lame)

I didn't include the 2nd evolution because noone cares about them since you're only with them for ~16 levels anyway. Note how first gen starters all look awesome, 2nd ones are passable (I still retain my opinion that chikorita looks retarded, but totodile and cyndaquil are awesome so it makes up for fail grass starter), 3rd ones are good, 4th ... ehhh, not too much of a fan, at least the first stage is cute, and infernape looks pretty cool, but then black and white .... WTF happened there? sigh. For the first time I think I'm going to play with a grass starter. Honestly I actually like it, very elegant, but the other 2 are like.. fail. hahaha complete opposite of 2nd gen :P

Next, some obvious rip offs:
=

They screwed up bidoof so they needed to do it right the 2nd time. I agree, I think the new beaver pokemon is much better looking and actually looks like a pokemon now. Old v New ----> New wins. :)

=
Hahaha they're both random as looking, I dislike both equally. XD

=
that's totally a glameow lol. not sure which one I like better though haha.

= evolution of
They look the same to me. I don't understand why they didn't make it the evolution, they're both water type as well. It's as if that's what they designed it to be and forgot to put it in at the last minute or something :O But personally I prefer luvdisc. The new one is too complicated. Old vs new --> old ftw

=

BEARS TO POLAR BEARSSSS..... This is obviously a rip, even the positions are the same lol. Well I'm not gonna complain about more bear pokemon, but if you compare them, teddiursa + ursaring are obviously better looking. Old vs new ... old wins :)

= evolution of
Tauros evolved and grew an afro over 5 generations. Pretty much. New one was compltely unnecessary imo, tauros doesn't seem to evolve into it either so wtf is the point? Old vs new --> Old wins

=
2 --> 3 heads has been done before, so now they decided to do 1-2-3 :P Haha basically a dragon version of the birds. Don't have a problem with this one since they actually look alright and not retarded :) Old vs new --> different enough for it to be okay. I suppose.

=

Seriously? Old vs new --> Old ftw. And I thought Chansey was already screwed up looking enough as it was...

=
Because one fire monkey just wasn't enough D: I prefer chimchar. the new one looks too much like yunbin. LOL JK :P old vs new --> old :)

=

tadpole --> frog, as if we haven't seen that already D: and to make it worse they made it look retarded as. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH POLITOAD? TT Old vs new --> Old wins

= evolution of
lol jk. These mushrooms are probably genetically engineered or they mutated severely due to trainers invading their forests. Poor mushrooms ):

And lol, look at these:

=

Don't deny it, you thought of it too. (Lillymon, digimon)

=
That's also a digimon btw hahaha

=
It's a flying velociraptor :O

=
I tried to find one with green icing but you get the general idea.

=
Fran from final fantasy. IDENTICAL.

=
See background. It's totally one of the aliens from that new movie SKYLINE (which is apparently surprisingly good; after I watched the trailer I thought it would be crap but the reviews look pretty favourable)

=
Because sometimes just copying the digmon themselves is not enough. (Mimi Tachikawa, digimon)

=
The resemblance is striking... (Red mist, Kick Ass)

=
See Ed. Even the skintone is the same hahaha (Ed, Edd & Eddy)

=
Ryu Hayabusa/Ninja Gaiden. Minus the red mask :P

=
The purple, the mecha-ness... (Neo Genesis Evangelion)

=
random weightlifter. perfect match :)

=
That Hikkikomori girl from Sayonara, Zetsubo Sensei

=
.... ): hungry

AND FINALLY....

=
You know you have a problem when your legendaries start looking like creatures from other series. (blue eyes white dragon, yugioh // metalgreymon, digimon. Actually now that I look at it red eyes black dragon would also suffice.)

dumb sluts.

2010-11-11T21:40:00.007+13:00

Slut is a pejorative term meaning an individual who is sexually promiscuous. The term is generally applied to women and used as an insult or offensive term of disparagement, meaning "dirty or slovenly."

So why then, do we label girls as 'sluts' when we have no idea what their private lives are like? How can we say 'you dress like a slut' when we don't know what a 'slut' would dress like? Or is there a particular way a woman who sleeps with a lot of men must dress to display to the rest of the world that they do? And why would they, when society views promiscuity so lowly?

I'm pretty sure that like half of the girls who 'dress like sluts' actually not promiscuous. I'd even go far enough to say that a great proportion of them are virgins. I don't know why they choose to dress the way they do -- perhaps for attention? However, it's not my place to judge, nor do I care; it's really none of my business. People dress in certain ways to show the public how they want to be perceived, eg. the fashionistas, 'emo/scene' kids, 'gangstas'. This is no different.

Some will argue that it IS different, because it encourages girls to be oversexed from a young age. But why is this such a big deal compared to encouraging teenagers to listen to depressing music and cut themselves, or to join a gang and do drugs? Because isn't that what emos and gangsters are associated with? Why is oversexing women such a big deal?

It's because women are seen to represent something pure and untainted. It's like how men are seen to be the protectors and leaders -- a stereotype that has good roots, but there is so much diversity in today's society that we desperately try to enforce these old gender roles, and the result is more and more revolt. People want to be different, to be individuals. Putting a taboo on sexuality is like telling people not to smoke weed; it's going to happen anyway. Thing is, sex is not even a bad thing; it's biology's way to ensure species survival, and as humans, it is a way to show love for another person. Why have we been conditioned to view it as something dodgy and 'dirty'?

And why do people assume that if you go out and party a lot, get drunk, do drugs, sleep around, and are 'hot', that you cannot possibly be smart? (okay I do admit that it doesn't leave a lot of time for studying, but there's no reason someone who likes to party can't also be intelligent -- as someone said "the difference is, the smart person parties, but in the morning they also get up early and study instead of lying around the whole day") I quote, from an IMDB forum post on the forum for The Social Network (excellent film btw, anyone who uses facebook should watch it):

Are we supposed to believe that harvard girls look like that??? Puleahhhshssseeee. Girls that look like that or go to parties like that have the same IQ as Paris Hilton and can't even go to community college. Maybe Harvard has a lot of parties but I seriously doubt they would have such strong sexual scenes since that doesn't even happen in The Jersey Shore or tacky reality shows. Those girls are probably hired escorts or hoes they picked up at a club.

See first bolded sentence. Ignoring all the harvard bitch jokes (come on guys.), is it totally inconceivable that people who are able to make it into Ivy League schools could be good looking? I can say that after being to Yale... well, that it's definitely not true. The guys at Yale are top notch. ;) Oh wait, are they just talking about girls? Oh yeah, because there must be a difference in attractiveness in females and males based on their INTELLIGENCE...

And now look at second bolded sentence. Note how this narrowminded poster has assumed that because they go to parties, and they are 'dumb', they must also be prostitutes. It is also implied that girls who go to clubs are 'hoes'. This leap of logic is simply unbridgeable and sadly reminiscent of the kind of prejudice that I see all the time. And yes, it does piss me off. People think in stereotypes far too much.

Also, why do people always say "I hate her, she's a slut"? Since when is someone's preference to sleep with a lot of people a reason for them to be hated? Does it make them a worse person, more likely to stab you in the back, a worse friend? I know it's something some people just can't get over (especially guys), but really... think logically. Just because she's had a lot of boyfriends doesn't make her a bad person. In fact it should be an indication that she is a lovely girl who a lot of guys want to be with... so, why all the hate? Interesting also, that a girl who is a 'slut' will still have friends to back her up when other people insult her -- gee, maybe because SHE'S NOT A BAD PERSON?

Now I quote something a guy has said to me recently: "To me, there are two types of girls: Girls, and bitches/sluts". This implies that a) bitches/sluts are not girls and b) the terms bitch and slut are interchangeable. THEY ARE NOT. Bitches are actually less likely to be sluts because come on, who wants to sleep with someone like that? Unless you're not picky, or she's hot. But that's just more affirmation that you either do view her as a girl, or that you treat her as an object. If it's the first, you revoke your own argument, if it's the second, you're a misogynistic pig. Lose/lose.

I could go on and on about this really. But that's just everything that came to mind just now. I'm not going to talk about how the gender difference in how 'sluts' are used to label women only and the lock/key analogy because I feel that's been covered already. I will say that women calling other women sluts is retarded though, because it's like as a woman you don't have any friends -- guys call you a slut, other girls call you a slut, like wtf, no wonder I have no self confidence -- maybe I should just act like a slut to prove them right, then maybe we'll all agree on something? But I do have the opinion that it's probably out of jealousy, even if most girls are unwilling to admit it. Ofc you want to be noticed by guys, it's in your genetic code (unless ofc you're not straight, in which case you don't really get this problem), so if another girl gets more attention because of the way they dress and you have too much pride or w/e to act in that way, it's natural to be jealous. It's IN OUR GENES to want to reproduce. That's just science.

This is why I hate it when people label girls as 'sluts'. Now you know. Feel free to disagree; I'm very unlikely to agree with your opinion, but I won't try to shoot you down or anything (provided it's well reasoned), I'm just putting mine out there.

guy fawkes + nothing much

2010-11-07T16:58:00.006+13:00

Well guy fawkes was pretty fun. Although it was dark as hell on Mt St. John and for like half an hour I thought yunbin was there since there were so many ppl and then later I was like o.o where did yunbin go jamie was like.... he was never here.... hahahaah im noob. Didn't get home til like 11.45... but I got some nice shots (: along with about 200 shots of nothing

I really like watching fireworks. It's so pretty @_@ And for some reason I'm not really scared to stand close to it... it's probably bad. But something that pretty can't be bad :P haha that's a terribly judgemental thing to say, since from childhood we're always taught that pretty things are good and ugly things are evil (snow white, etc etc), but in real life ppl often think that pretty girls are dumb/bitches and smart girls are all ugly. There's a kind of incongruity there actually. I don't really know where it came from, I guess people think you can't have everything in the world? But some people actually do :P lucky them.

But I digress, I'll rant about that another time. Seeing the city lights over a mountain while fireworks are coming out of random backyards is really a breathtaking experience. As someone who hasn't really done fireworks before (k like a few sparklers but nothing big), I was really captivated. I think watching fireworks is more enjoyable than letting them go yourself (: It's so pretty~ A lot of people find them annoying at night because they can't sleep but I like to stay up and just peer out the window for ages, watching sparkflowers blossom in the black abyss that is the night sky. It's something that gives you hope, almost.

All architecture is great architecture after sunset; perhaps architecture is really a nocturnal art, like the art of fireworks.
~Gilbert K. Chesterton

People are awesome

2010-11-01T08:13:00.002+13:00

pride, humility, & self-esteem

2010-10-31T19:35:00.005+13:00

Something I've come to notice is that generally, the people that the general population dislikes are either really weird, annoying, or "up themselves". People really don't like it when others are arrogant and think they are the best ever. I suppose it's a convention in society to have a bit of humility; even if you think conforming is a stupid thing to do, if you're prepared to be prideful you have to have a certain amount of self esteem, because it's almost guaranteed other people will try to bring you down.

Honestly the ones that are arrogant to the point where they don't care what other people say are actually people that have great confidence and will go pretty far in this world. Let's face it; no matter how much of a saint you are, people are still gonna talk. HATERS GONNA HATE. The 'jerks' who have the inflated ego and self esteem higher than the Taipei 101 are the ones who have the upper hand. Simply put, if you don't care what other people say about you, it doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are. That's something I believe in quite strongly. It's a pity I care so much what other people think, because the more I think about it, these 'assholes' are the ones that are actually happy with themselves, their choices and their lives, and they need no validation for any of their actions from others. They don't need to compromise, they know what they want and they don't need to stop at nothing to get it.

The problem arises because a lot of the 'arrogant' people only act that way because of their low self esteem. It's a way to make themselves feel better about themselves I suppose. I mean I have a decent amount of pride, and sometimes I can feel myself getting a bit cocky about it, but actually I am quite afraid of failure and how others perceive me. Then there's the 'fishing for compliments' and boasting, just so others will congratulate you and thus you feel better about yourself. But actually this arrogance isn't intrinsic; it comes externally. Often the ones that seem the most confident are the ones that are the most afraid on the inside. But what's better, the low self esteemed guy who sits and mopes to themselves or the asshole arrogant guy? IMO the arrogant person is better. At least they have a sense of self worth; how can anyone respect you if you can't even respect yourself? In fact, if you respect yourself enough, other people won't even matter :P

So where does humility come into this? Well, it seems that the ideal is to have confidence, but be modest about it. Being prideful about what you are good at is okay, but it's also good to be humble about the things you're not good at. Accepting you have faults, I suppose. It sounds good, but more and more I see people being modest not because they really are, but just for social convention. So it makes me question whether people are actually displaying humility or are in fact just trying to fit in with the crowd. Not that there's anything wrong with that (in order to survive, one must adapt), but it's interesting. I do think that having humility while being confident is harder than being outright arrogant though. Personally I have no problem with arrogant people (seeing as I tend to transform into one on occasion), but I respect those who are humble about their accomplishments a lot more.

Pride is also everywhere in our world, it's not something we can avoid. Wars begin due to nationalism & patriotism, pride in one's country. Gay/Lesbian Pride parades are frequent occurrences as people want to show that they are proud of who they are, not ashamed. Christianity describes Pride as the mother of its 7 sins, yet the Bible states that "God said, Let us make man in our image" (Genesis 1:26), "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." (Psalms 139:14), suggesting that God would like us to love our forms... despite how the church uses the Bible as a justification for their beliefs that homosexuals are somehow inferior (but that's more of an issue of Christianity, not pride). Also paradoxically, when searching "love yourself" into google, the first thing that comes up is the greek story of Narcissus, which is suppose to discourage loving yourself too much, whereas the rest all seem to be inspirational sites aimed at low-self-esteemed people. Opinions seem to be very varied (rhymed!) when it comes to pride... In fact, even wikipedia covers both sides of the coin, stating

Pride is either a high sense of one's personal status or ego (i.e., leading to judgments of personality and character) or the specific mostly positive emotion that is a product of praise or independent self-reflection.

So, where do you stand on loving yourself? I'm just going to say, everyone should have a little pride. In fact, I think everyone does; some just have more than others. There is nothing wrong with having pride in oneself... except if you show that you have too much, you should be prepared for the judgement. And if you just have a little, don't worry :) you're beautiful and you should celebrate yourself, because if you don't, who will?

There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us.
~Laurence J. Peter

On a completely unrelated note,

:) black leather chucks chyeahhhhh... now I'm broke

zombie apocalypse

2010-10-24T08:41:00.004+13:00

:O I just had an epic as dream... it was kinda scary as well but it wasn't really a nightmare. Anyway it started with the family running away from our house thanks to the rise of a zombie apocalypse and the neighbourhood wasn't safe (I'm actually not sure about this part cuz I cant really remember it, but something like that happened). Anyway we crammed 7 people into a 5 seater car and drove out to this hotel thing, where we went in and rested for a while. Then some news came over from another person living at the hotel that the zombies had found it, but they weren't getting any faster, just better at eating people... So anyway after we heard that we got the heck out of there, but as we got into a hall some zombies came out of another room and we had to make a dash to the end of the hall and out through the balcony. I had a bit of trouble with my shoes so I had to jump over the balcony to escape the zombie that was right behind me... then I got that thing in dreams where you feel like you can't run, but I got on all 4s and scrambled my way to the car where I got in and my older brother (?) or some type of family friend (you know how these things are in dreams) got in after me. I noticed that my black chucks had transformed into green corduroy heels. Yes wtf. As we were driving away I saw my grandma got left behind and a zombie was nudging a diabolo towards her...

Anyway we drove away for a while til we got to this beach harbour type place. We noticed a woman trying to run away from the shore and into the water, and some friends were standing back. I had no idea what was going on at the time in the dream but now that I think about it she may have been trying to escape the zombies and decided that drowning herself was better than being eaten... sad ): Anyway there was quite a large carpark at the beach with a lot of cars, we so figured we'd found a safe place. At that time, a HUGE AIRSHIP THING FLIES OUT OF NOWHERE and people realise that if we get abducted by the spaceship then the zombies cant get us and sure enough it starts sucking cars up from the carpark...

We end up in this posh looking spaceship type hotel thing and theres a reception area. The lady was like "you guys were the volkswagon? no, no I mean the toyota." Our car had transformed from a 5 seater to apparently a highlander (which my mum actually does drive irl). Anyway we 'checked in' and didnt know what to do so my mum told me to take a shower. I walked into the shower room and it was DEATHLY QUIET... The room was the form of a long hall with a lot of entrances into the actual area with the showers. The hall was empty and dark... I thought something must be wrong so I went back and told my mum, she thought I was being paranoid so we went together and when we went into the actual shower area we saw a long as line of people all just standing in silence. It was creepy as. So we were like ff this, were gonna be here til like 2am. So we were exiting and I saw an unused shower in another area where nobody was. I thought it was strange but what the heck, we used it. The whole time I was afraid zombies were gonna jump out from under the toilets in the same area.

SOMEHOW that area transformed into a living room place where there were sofas, and I was just sitting there, and all of a sudden a hologram appears of the receptionist telling us that the reason we were here is that because they were planning to go to another planet called like... I forgot the name but it started with O and had
'ph' in it. We weren't going back to earth. When we got there, each family had to give up 1 person to stay there and build up the new planet (which turned out to be some kind of extension of Mars) while the rest of the family returned to earth. My mum was all like fmllll your grandpas too weak, your brother obviously can't do it, I don't want you to do it because youre also too young, and what if when you come back theres nothing on Earth? And I was like But I don't want you to go, and dad has to take care of the family as well, so I'll go... Although the truth is part of that reason was that I was shit scared of going back to earth with the zombies. But I was really conflicted because I didnt want to leave my family.

Anyway at that point we saw yunbin walk past with these 2 other guys he had apparently just met, one had really crazy hair and the other one seemed really quiet and sullen, and I was sitting there looking pretty depressed. My mum somehow transformed into YJ. Anyway yunbin comes over and is all like, why so sad? And I ask if hes heard the plans and hes like yeah, it sounds good, I cant wait. And I guess that made me think maybe it would be alright cuz I would have friends with me. Then he did some stupid tricks with the 1 way mirror that was there (which was also the holograph screen, I have no idea htf these things get invented in my head tbh)... I started to get paranoid again that maybe the people who owned the airship werent trustworthy (cuz wtf, an airship comes out of the sky and abducts you. there is no evidence that they are trustworthy), and that maybe the new planet was just full of zombies waiting for their meal package. At the same time I was just sitting there in that room, watching Yunbin dick around. Also for some reason a 4th former I know was there from EGGs, and she was studying for her physics exam, which turned out to be the same physics exam yujie and I had to sit soon (Even in the middle of a zombie apocaplypse yes) and she had some really cool acronyms to help her remember stuff but I cant remember any of them.

After that I walked around the airship with one of yunbin's new friends (the one without the crazy hair, who was quiet and sullen), and I asked him if he was going back to earth or going to Mars. He said he didnt know and said something about how he only attended boat club twice in his life (I have no idea) And after that I woke up...

d30

2010-10-20T19:19:00.003+13:00

DAY 30: Who are you?

So now we come to the end of the 30 day challenge! I can't believe I actually finished it haha. Although this was due yesterday, but I couldn't do it because I had an english exam to cram for, not that it really helped mind you. Anyway right now since I'm waiting for bejeweled blitz to load on my capped internet I figured I might as well start this and finish it sometime in the future...

Well Idk. Who am I? ...I just typed it into google and nothing interesting came up. But I did find some memes. A meme inside a meme to answer the first meme? :O SCANDALOUSSSS.

kk I'm bored. I really like memes it seems hahaahha

WHO ARE YOU???

Full Name: Winnie Wu
Were you named after anyone? ~~Winnie the Pooh~~ lol no.
Do you wish on stars? ...nahhhhh I just make wishes whether there are stars or not. Maybe on a shooting star. or an airplane~~~
When did you last cry? Can't remember... ... ....... omg I can't. TT what's wrong with me
Do you like your handwriting? It's okay. I like it when it's neat and hate it when it's not haha
What is your favorite lunchmeat? mmm... salami. I don't have sandwiches much though
What is your birth date? 30 july 93
What is your most embarrassing CD? I'm not ashamed of any of my CDs =P
If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yeah sure, I'm pretty awesome :)
Are you a daredevil? Nah not really. Well it depends on my mood. Sometimes I do the craziest stuff, normally when I'm bored.
Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yes probably, but probably only because I forgot I swore not to tell lol.
Do looks matter? Yes
How do you release anger? Yell at people. LOL jk. Idk, listen to music, play games.
Where is your second home? GZ with my grandparents :)
What was your favorite toy as a child? Safety blankie~ I couldn't fall alseep without haha. I still have one with me when I sleep...
What class in high school do you think was totally useless? Business Studies.
Do you have a journal? Right here hahaha. and I keep a diary for more private/screwed up thoughts
Do you use sarcasm a lot? Not sure, probably just as much as any other person lol.
Favorite movies? atm... inception :)
Would you bungee jump? Yes if my friends were there haha and it wasn't like random.
Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No I'm lazy.
Do you think that you are strong? I'm buff asssss... not really. physically I am about as strong as a sponge. Emotionally I guess I am pretty strong? Not sure.
What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookies and cream~~
Shoe Size? Ranges from 6 to 8 lol.
What are your favorite colors? White
What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I tend to gain weight around my stomach thighs and arms. I need to exercise more. i should work harder.
Who do you miss most? my friends who i haven't seen in a while... ):
What color pants are you wearing? Black
What are you listening to right now? Beethoven's midnight sonata. I love the 3rd movement~~
Last thing you ate? Dinner. Rice haha.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? White, cuz its a cool colour. and it's invisible, and never gets used, so it lives forever :D
What is the weather like right now? Warming up, hopefully.
Last person you talked to on the phone: My mum.
The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Face.
How Are You Today? TIRED... omg english TT
Favorite Drink? L&P I guess.
Favorite Sport? badminton~~
Hair Color? Black
Eye Color? Brown
Do you wear contacts? Nope
Favorite Food? ......can't choose TT
Last Movie You Watched? In cinemas, Despicable me. Not in cinemas, Surrogates
Favorite Day Of The Year? New years :)
Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? depends on the movie
Summer Or Winter? SUMMER!!!!
Hugs OR Kisses? depends who :)
What Is Your Favorite Dessert? ice cream. yes I'm very boring.
What Book(s) Are You Reading? atm nothing.
What’s On Your Mouse Pad? It's a brand one that my dad stole from somewhere. 'vignette' lol.
What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Don’t watch TV
Favorite Smells? Starbucks :)
Rolling Stones or Beatles? mmmm... beatles.
Do you believe in Evolution or Creationism? Evolution
What’s the furthest you’ve been from home? USA. I guess... massachusetts?

d28/29

2010-10-18T17:09:00.012+13:00

So my internet capped yesterday morning, which left me with nothing to do the entire day. It takes like 3-4 minutes + to load a page, which was not very useful for me as I was trying to study for my chemistry exam and I couldnt pull up the past papers. Anyway now for some reason the comment form won't appear on anyone's blogs so I can't comment. But just so you know I've read them all. :)

DAY 28: A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Tony + me, nov/dec 2009?

hillie + me, extrav bbq, last weekend

this weekend :)

You see, I don't have to go back very far to show how much I have changed, since I got jaw surgery 2 and a half months ago XD hahahaha I don't think I look THAT different, I guess my nose is shorter now (I can't lick it anymore) and less flat.. but more fat XD. Idk if I like it, kinda makes me feel piggish sometimes.

I also...
- stopped wearing my silver frames, because chen said they were intimidating
- grew my hair out
- started wearing more makeup
- & painting my nails when I am bored
- got more clothes/better clothes
- got wayyy more shoes... lost my blue converses ): I miss them so much. wtf are they?!
- matured a lot, became more blunt and open
- STARTED PLAYING MOUSEHUNT. HAHA ♥ sheremy, chirip + terry for starting it all

Hm... I kind of want to leave all the emotional stuff for new years :)

DAY 29: In the past month, what have you learnt?

In the past month... I've learnt what a cherrypicker is (I learnt that today actually)...
...
holy crap I actually can't think of much. I mean I know you learn something new every day but it's probably really insignificant stuff that I don't care to remember. HAHA this is terrible. I should pay more attention to my surroundings XD
OH!
I learnt that Chen can't stand threesomes. And that he can't last more than 10 seconds. ;D

SKYRISEEEE + d27

2010-10-16T22:33:00.004+13:00

DAY 27: Why you are doing this 30 day challenge

Because I'm bored I suppose, and everyone else was doing it... so I got peer pressured XD I guess it's a good way for people to get to know me too. Not that anyone wants to...

Anyway tonight was Skyrise City for architecture week 2010 (check out their blog). It was soooo cool :) Some of the structures were really well made, I seriously thought a few of them were made by companies, but they were all 2nd year uni students... really amazing. I didn't take any photos, regret it now, but there were too many people =__=

Anyway I brought home some souvenirs :)

SHOOTING STARZZZZ

GLOWSTICKS!! Chyeah, there was a pro structure made out of bamboo painted black and fluro yellow glowsticks everywhere, and a guy was giving them away :) It was a pretty cool one.

Helium balloon filled with feathers!! Came from a huge as structure held up by heaps of these balloons (without the string) inside a plastic bag like material cover so it went quite high, and then they did a mechanism inside it that had like a button that you jump on and it launches a rocket with sandpapered tip (air pressure), so that when u launch it and it goes up and hits the helium balloons feathers would come down. It was soooo awesome :) they had to keep adding more balloons ofc otherwise the whole structure would collapse, and while he was blowing them up I asked for one~ I wish helium never ran out ): I'm gonna keep it as long as I can haha

d24/25/26

2010-10-15T19:44:00.005+13:00

DAY 24: A letter to your parents

Dear Mum & Dad,
Love you guys. You're amazing, thanks for all the support through the years, I'm SOOO lucky to have you.
Yeah that's the gist of it. Oh yeah and Happy Birthday Dad :)

DAY 25: What I would find in your bag

What I have in my schoolbag every day: folder, lunch, water bottle, pencil case, calculator, maths books, diary, random papers, laptop, wallet

What I have in my bag usually when I go out: bubbles, water bottle, wallet, lip balm

DAY 26: What you think about your friends

They are the most amazing people ever :) Seriously I love you all so much, especially those who stick with me through good times and bad, understand me and accept me unconditionally for who I am even if I do some pretty stupid stuff sometimes :P ♥

Yeah all really short. Idk I'm just not in the mood to type a lot today I suppose. In the midst of exams sigh... not in the mood for large blocks of text right now aye. Just want a break from it all... (not that I've been studying very hard...)

d23

2010-10-12T21:23:00.002+13:00

DAY 23: Something you crave for a lot

Except in italian roast tomato and balsamic.

d22

2010-10-11T16:30:00.006+13:00

DAY 22: What makes you different from everyone else

Um. Well. My DNA? Haha idk, I always have these moments where I think I'm just living in my own world and everyone else are just projections. Since I'm the only one I can control, I will never know. Everyone else could be like npcs in a game. That seems quite unlikely though I suppose, I'm not -that- special :P

Having said that, I guess I'm pretty weird in my own right. Actually pretty much everyone is weird in their own way so that doesn't say much. I think we're all weird, in different ways, so it's like a cloud of gnats flying in random directions, but the overall force is 0N because they all cancel each other out, so as a population we are 'normal' even though the individual is abnormal.

Looking at things statistically, I'm han chinese, which means I'm part of the largest ethnic group on earth, which doesn't make me very special at all. I have an IQ of about 137, which puts me at the top 1.5% of the population, which means about 1 in every 96 people, which, considering the sheer population of han chinese is pretty damn common. There are about 150 000 han chinese in Auckland, so that makes me 1 of 150 000/96 = 1 563. I would use the Auckland figures but I have just spent about 20 mins trying to find the population of chinese people in Auckland without avail. Anyway Auckland is like asian central so it shouldn't have too big of an effect of the number. Split that number in half since I'm female and you get 1 in 783. The average height of chinese females is 160cm. I am 170cm. I can't find any numbers for the standard deviation of this data set but I'm going to divide by 10 because I know very few chinese females my height and above, and I think /10 is already being quite generous. So that makes 1 in 78. About 40% of chinese people have myopia of -1.00 to -5.00 between the ages of 6 and 20. I fit in this category. This is probably quite a warped statistic to use but heck all statistics are warped and this is just a very general estimate so that makes me 1 in 0.4*78=31. About 30% of everyone has astigmatism, so that makes me 1 in 0.3*31=9. About 80% of people are right handed, so that makes me 1 in 0.8*9=7. I was born on a Friday and there are 7 days in a week. That makes me 1 in 1. :)

Man you can tell I just got tired of googling at the end there :P

IGNORING all the bad stat combinations, think about it, in the end, I'm probably the only 170cm tall chinese female with an iq of 137 living in NZ with myopia and astigmatism who is right handed and was born on a Friday, and if that fails, I'd BET the other people's names weren't Winnie :P It's very easy to prove that you are unique; we are all so different.

d20/d21

2010-10-10T20:12:00.002+13:00

DAY 20: Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

K bro I'm not even in a relationship right now haha, so if I'm gonna marry someone I'd either not know them yet or it would be someone I currently know it would be awkward to say since we're not in a relationship HAHA. Hm... let's be srs. I see myself with a hot nice rich guy. That's all we ever want =P

DAY 21: A picture of something that makes you happy

♥ Hillie :) hahaha all you need is a little love~~ & nice weather

d19

2010-10-08T17:17:00.006+13:00

DAY 18: Nicknames you have and why you have them

Ohhhhhh this is going to take a while. HAHA. Kk, in chronological order?

Woony and its many descendants -- Woonae, Woonie, Woonaekun, Spoonaekun

Started in year 8 when some friends were obsessed with harry potter fanfiction, and we really liked marauders ff (and even wrote some ourselves LOL, I think they're still on ff.net somewhere..), and we renamed ourselves after them by mixing our names. I was Lupin. So... Moony + Winnie = Woony. And everything that comes after that is just stuff that sounds like 'Woony' (apparently). Incidentally it also sounds like my last name tacked onto my first name, which is pretty cool, because I can't do the whole first letter swap thing like Chirip Fung (Firip Chung) & Sheremy Jane (Jeremy Shane) :(

INSERT!!! LUB

OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS ONE ): Made up by Kim, stands for Lovable Undergrown Bear + a bunch of other adjectives that I don't keep track of but she does. Because I am lovable, and I am a bear, and if I were a bear I would be undergrown in size because bears are big, so even if I am a tall asian girl I am still a small bear :) I am a bear because I'm lazy and slothlike, I hibernate in winter (I sleep more) and my name is Winnie as in Winnie the Pooh :)

Weenie, Weezor, Weebles, Wibbles, Wibobbles, Winaynay, Winwin, Window

All just because they sound like 'Winnie' in some form or another. Yes as you can tell my friends like to do weird things with people's names.

SID

It stands for Slut In Disguise. A name given to me by Rui and Tian in their wildly fictional story involving me stealing people's brains by sleeping with them. I haven't a clue either.

2290, Harvard Bitch, Harvard

2290 was my SAT score, and HB came from someone spreading rumours about me getting into Harvard which is NOT TRUE LOL... I haven't even finished year 12 wtf?! I have a feeling it's probably misunderstanding or just plain trolling over an application form I got sent from Harvard, but I'm not the only one, Chencake got one too. :P Harvard's just a shortened version of HB. I very much dislike this nickname.

If I've forgotten something feel free to comment lol...

d18

2010-10-07T17:14:00.004+13:00

DAY 18: Plans/goals/dreams you have

Haha, funny this should come a few days after I blogged about passion. Idk, a lot of people think I'm pretty ambitious, but actually I don't really know what I want. I guess I just want to have a happy life and stay lucky. I don't have much motivation to do other things. I guess I want to go to university and get at least a PhD, mainly because I don't want to go out into the chaotic world and get a job. I kind of have this ambition to go to some pro uni to do it, but if I think about it I wouldn't mind living a quiet life either, and then I think maybe I would prefer it.

I also have a long term and somewhat stupid dream that I can live forever, but since that seems unlikely due to, you know, physics, I'll haunt the world after I die. I actually do believe in ghosts lol, cuz I don't want to face the thought that after death we become nothing. It's nice to think that there are spirits around and there's something that happens after life.

Yeah I'm pretty... unmotivated? I don't know, I think that if you focus too much on the future you miss out on what's there in the present as well. That's why I don't really like to plan ahead and prefer a bit of spontaneity. Carpe Diem :) Do a little at a time, and see where life takes me. Since I have no passion for anything, I guess I'll be surprised where ever I end up.

Forever is composed of nows. ~Emily Dickinson

Oh wait, a goal I would like to have is that one day I will be uber rich. Yeah that would be nice. -wishful thinking-

d17

2010-10-06T18:00:00.003+13:00

DAY 17: Someone you would switch lives with for a day and why

Steve Jobs, cuz he's rich and I could deposit a large chunk of his money into my own bank account. I know the most obvious choice is Bill Gates, but he actually donates his money to charities etc so it's going to a good cause other than myself, whereas as far as the public knows Jobs doesn't (well ofc he could be doing it anonymously, which is actually more admirable, but the point is I don't know)... Also since he's head of apple I could nab an itouch or something haha.

d16 narcissism + passion

2010-10-05T21:05:00.004+13:00

DAY 16: Another picture of yourself

(Yeah I'm just a selfish narcissistic psycho freak... -song stuck in head-)

What is passion? I guess it's a kind of motivation, something we really believe in, our values, something that drives us. But very few of us are actually naturally driven by something like that. Passion is something intangible, and it seems to come and go (for me at least). It's abstract, like love, so it's hard to hold onto. Yet we seem to have this idea as a society that passion is something good and that it is something that each of us should have. But the truth is that it's not really that simple. Just as we can't force ourselves to love someone we don't, and can't force ourselves to fall out of love with someone we do, we can't force ourselves to care about things we don't, especially to become 'passionate' (strong adjective) about something we just don't.

I don't really know why I decided to talk about it. I guess it just kinda came out as I was typing, but I haven't really been thinking about it lately. In the last few years I've experienced a fickle kind of passion, the kind that comes and goes. I don't know, sometimes I just lose all motivation to do anything, but later I look back and think, why didn't I care more? Sometimes I get really fired up. But later I look back and think, was it really worth it? Why did I care so much? And of course, there is no answer. It's something really intrinsic; no one else can judge us or tell us what we should be passionate about, it's just something that seems to happen.

Can passion be conditioned though? I mean I think it's possible that by doing something more, you eventually like it more and more (exposure effect/familiarity principle), but can it reach that level of passion if you didn't have some love for it initially? As someone with a lot of interests but no real passion, it's weird to think about. Especially at this age, when people expect you to have decided what you're going to do with the rest of your life. You can do anything you want to do. What are you passionate about? My answer is: pretty much nothing. But what am I interested in? Pretty much everything... So I was wondering, if I did a lot of something, would it make me more passionate about it? Or, would I just get sick of it?

For some people, passion is something they will have all their life. The doctors who love to save lives, the volunteer who does community work to see the happy faces of all those he or she has saved, the musician who lives in a flat worth less than the collection of guitars hanging on his or her living room wall. I think those people are really lucky, to have found something they love and care about so much. No matter how hard life gets nothing can take that love away from them. They will never really feel alone, because they are motivated.

For most of us though, passion is like a (passionate) one night stand (see what I did there? :D). You're on a high for a night, but after that you're back to your regular normal life. Passion comes and goes, sometimes we get really motivated about something, sometimes we just don't give a damn. When we don't give a damn, nothing seems to matter in the world. We feel alone, depressed, meaningless. Perhaps it is not crimes of passion that we should be worried about, but what happens when there is no passion at all.

“If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you.” ~T. Alan Armstrong

day 14/15

2010-10-04T22:55:00.003+13:00

Since I got home too late yesterday, and pretty much forgot about it all of today, and don't want to do a triple entry tomorrow @_@

DAY 14: Picture of family

My parents + lil bro who is actually taller than me now, in chicago haha.

DAY 15: Shuffle, first 10 songs that play

The best day of my life - Jesse McCartney

Lace and Leather - Britney Spears

A Party Song (The walk of shame) - All time low

Just Because - Christopher Toy (LOL! "Just because I'm not a white guy, doesn't mean I'm not the right guy ... just cuz I keep the plastic on my couch and on my phooonneeee...)

Breathe - Taylor Swift

No More Sorrow - Linkin Park

Womanizer (Cover) - David Choi, originally Britney Spears

Goodbye My Princess - Monday Kiz

When I'm Gone - Simple Plan

Hate that I love you - Neyo ft. Rihanna

day 13

2010-10-02T21:47:00.002+13:00

DAY 13: A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

No one has really hurt me recently. I guess I can... ehh I'll try.

Dear person who has kind of hurt me recently but not really because there is no malicious intent and it's actually my own fault that you hurt me recently, even though I don't really count this as 'hurting' me,

You're confusing as hell, even though you're blunt. I should stop liking you, but it's hard cuz, strange as it sounds, I actually like it when you do my head in.

Not yours ever,

Winnie.

day 12

2010-10-01T20:48:00.004+13:00

DAY 12: How you found blogspot and why you made one

I probably found blogspot during like year 7 or 8 when I was trying to find a good blogging site, I seem to have joined up to all the ones I could find (seriously I have LJ, xanga, blogger & god knows what else). that's why this is under xzmallet.blogspot.com and not zmallet.blogspot.com, cuz that's the one I actually made back then but never used and then forgot the pw too (I've actually reclaimed it now, but it just redirects here). I used LJ as primary because it had communities and more versatile design options, but then blogspot introduced HTML templates and at the end of year 9 Bernie made one, so I figured might as well shift here permanently haha.

Today I went to watch despicable me... awwwww it was sooo cute :D and funnier than I thought it would be haha.

"WHAAAT?"

^whole cinema cracked up at that haha :)

& I want to watch the latest episode of NZNTM online but I can't for some reason cuz it's not loading, cuz I forgot that it was on tonight =__= k i'm noob w/e... I'm seriously scared that I'm going to fail my exams. They're so soon and I did an SAT practice yesterday and EPICALLY FAILED... omg I think jaw surgery made me dumb or something. Excuses excuses... ugh gotta work harder.

day 11

2010-09-30T16:20:00.002+13:00

DAY 11: Another picture of you and your friends

Hawww aren't we cute :)