3 weeks remaining

In this little world of mine, I wonder what others actually feel about my leaving. I wonder if it will be just another event in their ongoing lives. I wonder if we will stay in touch.

I don't like the prospect of packing. I have to pack my entire room up because we're renovating the house after I leave so I have to move everything out. Going through all my crap is like doing a huge spring clean; there's so much that I never use, but it also seems like a huge waste to throw away. What do I do with it??? When did I accumulate so many useless things? Then there are the sentimental things that I can't stand to throw away even though they no longer have any utility. Every time I clean my room I toy with the idea of starting a scrapbook to put all this stuff in, but I never get around to it. Scrapbooking materials are so expensive, and I don't know if I'd ever be bothered doing it in the long run. So now that it's too late, I throw my old diaries and journals and thoughts and seal them into a cardboard box, unsure of when or whether I'll see them again.

Well, it's not goodbye for long. I will be back in five months. But it's a bit like starting anew. On one hand, I have wanted to start fresh for a long time now. From the start of year 11, when I wanted to transfer to AIC. Then again I have changed a lot from then. I have established a way of living and a comfort zone. Starting again should be interesting. I am excited and scared. I want to try new things, but I don't know if I have the courage to do so. I am afraid to be lonely.

As someone who is only ever lukewarm in excitement levels, I feel somewhat alienated by the high levels of OMG 1 MONTHHHH going around, which makes me think I might be one of the ones to end up depressed and getting counselling because I feel like I'm not making the most of my experience and opportunities, but hopefully that doesn't happen.

Sometimes being trapped inside my head is like arguing with winter. I will protest and use logic -- I will want to grow my frail mustard plants in this plot of soil, but in the end she will still rain and freeze and cast her hurricanes my way and force them to keel over and sink back into the Earth, she will twist my words, cloud my mood and blow cold wind through the holes in my raincoat.

I am sure it will be better once I let things go and jump right into the deep end. It will be spectacular, like falling down a waterfall at the end of the rapids and discovering an idyllic lagoon at the bottom.

Just gotta hack it out for these last 3 weeks.


Billy said...

You're not the type to ever be lonely. You make new friends so easily.
Yes you should be excited. But being "lukewarm" is reasonable. I think it's because you feel like if you are going to be so hyped and excited about leaving then what you're leaving behind doesn't seem like that big of a deal to you. (Yea, I can't explain it properly but I think you get what I'm trying to say)
At the end of the day when you leave. Some will treat it as a normal day. Some will be a bit said. A few will have a cry and miss you.
Stay in touch bro, don't leave a bro hanging back here.