SPRING 2010 HAS ARRIVED :)

So the snow has thawed, the sun is returning to kiss our land, the delicate buds of springtime are beginning to unfold, new lambs learn to run around the fields in the park... Gone are the frozen arthritic arms of bare deciduous trees, gone are the clouds of warmth escaping our mouths as we breathe, gone are frosted windows that obscure our view of the still turned on streetlamps in the mornings...

K not really, it's still pretty cold, but the hope that comes with springtime is really nice :) and it's only a matter of time til summer comes! (...and I'm off to another winter in Europe...)

These last few winter months have been a learning experience for me I guess. I think I've grown up a lot, and learnt to accept myself more, faults and all. I guess in a way it's made me less 'perfect'? I've always striven a bit for perfection, but honestly these last few months I've accepted that the world is a pretty imperfect place, sometimes rather chaotic, and it's just too hard to be perfect, or even close to perfect, in a world like that... I guess you could say it's kind of like I'm giving up? Haha but in a way I feel like I've moved forwards instead of backwards.

I went back to read my 1st of september post from last year, and found it funny how I mentioned kahunui in that post, and how I was there at this time 2 years ago... well today kahunui came into my life once again for the first time in a while, and aaaaaa we're going back for leadership camp? :D exciting~~~~ haha I find that so poignant, how it just happens to be this day that it comes back into my life in the most random way. Interesting how these things work out :)

Wow last year there was good weather on the first day of spring too. That's so nice haha, today was beautiful~ went out to sit outside for lunchtime for the first time in ages. It's good to absorb some vitamin D again haha.

I guess I regard the first day of spring as a time for beginnings, kind of on par with new years... which is weird, because new years is only 4 months after the first day of spring. They're not even separated out properly. But idk, that's just the way I look at it haha. In any case, these last 4 months of the year are super important to me and I really need to be on top, so I guess now is the time to start? Refresh, refresh...

In any case, I hope you all had a great day today and enjoyed the weather :) more similar days to come! bring on summer~~

avoiding work

So, I should probably get some scratchies done so MKD doesn't fry me tomorrow when I get back to school, but my right arm hurts for some reason (maybe I slept on it weird..?)... I really feel like eating kfc TT I feel like I can probably eat it, just very very slowly, and ughhh mouthwatering....

:O let me tell you guys what happened at starbucks yesterday. I was there with will and he was like, "I'm gonna tell them my name is muraguay just so they can spell it wrong," but then when he was up there he freaked out and said his name was Chris, and ordered a tall coffee frappuccino. Now, there just so happened to be another guy called Chris at starbucks, who had ordered a grande coffee frappuccino... so it comes out, and will takes it cuz he thinks "k it's got "chris" on it." And then he waits for me to get my order, even though I ordered BEFORE him... (I couldn't work out how he got his so fast) Later, ANOTHER coffee frappuccino comes out (actually will's), and tall is smaller in size to grande, so there was like this guy looking at us like ))))): "I think that's my drink..."

omg what are the chances... of all the names he could have chosen, of all the things he could have ordered LOL. But yeah, Will bought him another one and just took 2 coffee frappuccinos out. Hahahah the whole time they were like "Yeah, honest mistake, could've happened to anyone." Oh god it's just hilarious because that's not his real name. XD

Hahahaha anyway uni open day was pretty good, I went to an archi lecture and a philosophy lecture. Didn't help much, but then again I wasn't thinking very seriously about it. Ahhhh so carefree... Just gotta focus on acing my SAT II in october and Eing all my externals and that's all I have to worry about this year I think. Anything else can be dealt with in year 13. :]

It was really nice to hang out with everyone on friday... I guess the general consensus is that I look uber different, but some people say I look pretty similar or even the same LOL.

Ew, totally not looking forward to going back to school tomorrow. Wtf how did 3 weeks pass so fast ==

...layout...

ugh, just spent the last 3 hours messing around with this new code. not sure if I like it, it's a little.. (k, VERY) grey atm lol. Might bring in some coloured coding later but since my taste in colour combos is about as good as that of a colourblind person it might take a while. Anyway you can toggle the side stuff on and off now so if you don't like looking at YJ's tagboard spam or something you can just click the title and it will disappear :D so neat. (jkjk yj I'm sure everyone wants to read your spam.......)

chocolate ♥

Didn't bother removing the bruises. I don't think you can really notice them in the pictures anyway. Read up a bit online and people say it's pretty normal after upper jaw surgery to have the nose a bit fatter and turned up a bit more :/ so I guess I'm stuck with this nose. Well I guess it's not THAT bad... but I look really different hahaha...

Today I could open my mouth big enough to fit blocks of chocolate in it. :) It's nice to be able to enjoy treats again haha. But they're still really hard and it kinda hurts while it's melting...

PS. is it just me or are some of my images broken? o.o like the picture of me on the left, and some of the icons...

nose =____=

photoshopped out the godawful bruise. my cheekbones are coming back though.

but wtf happened to my nose!??!?!

Stairway to heaven

Something my mum sent me in an email:

有一对兄弟，他们的家住在80层楼上。有一天他们外出旅行回家，发现大楼停电了！虽然他们背着大包的行李，但看来没有什么别的选择，于是哥哥对弟弟说，我们就爬楼梯上去！于是，他们背着两大包行李开始爬楼梯。爬到20楼的时候他们开始累了，哥哥说“包包太重了，不如这样吧，我们把包包放在这里，等来电后坐电梯来拿。”于是，他们把行李放在了20楼，轻松多了，继续向上爬。
　　
　　他们有说有笑地往上爬，但是好景不长，到了40楼，两人实在累了。想到还只爬了一半，两人开始互相埋怨，指责对方不注意大楼的停电公告，才会落得如此下场。他们边吵边爬，就这样一路爬到了60楼。到了60楼，他们累得连吵架的力气也没有了。弟弟对哥哥说，“我们不要吵了，爬完它吧。”于是他们默默地继续爬楼，终于80楼到了！兴奋地来到家门口兄弟俩才发现他们的钥匙留在了20楼的包包里了。
　　
　　有人说，这个故事其实就是反映了我们的人生：20岁之前，我们活在家人、老师的期望之下，背负着很多的压力、包袱，自己也不够成熟、能力不足，因此步履难免不稳。20岁之后，离开了众人的压力，卸下了包袱，开始全力以赴地追求自己的梦想，就这样愉快地过了20年。可是到了40岁，发现青春已逝，不免产生许多的遗憾和追悔，于是开始遗憾这个、惋惜那个、抱怨这个、嫉恨那个，就这样在抱怨中度过了20年。到了60岁，发现人生已所剩不多，于是告诉自己不要在抱怨了，就珍惜剩下的日子吧！于是默默地走完了自己的余年。到了生命的尽头，才想起自己好象有什么事情没有完成，原来，我们所有的梦想都留在了20岁的青春岁月。

I'll translate it, but it doesn't have the same feel as the chinese lol.

Basically 2 brothers live on the 80th storey of an apartment building. One day they return home from a long vacation, and they didn't realise that the building's electricity had blown so the elevators weren't working. So, they decided to climb the stairs. Carrying all their luggage, they slowly made their way up to the 20th floor. At this point, they were both soooo tired from climbing all those stairs... the older brother said, "how about this, we leave our luggage here and come back to get it when the electricity's back up." So that's what they did, and they kept climbing.

They laughed and chatted with each other as the climbed, until they reached the 40th storey. At this point, they were really starting to get puffed out and were despaired to think that they were still only halfway there. They started to argue with each other, each blaming the other for not paying attention to the electricity announcements. By the time they got to the 60th storey however, they were both too tired to even fight. The younger brother said, "Let's not fight, just focus on getting up these stairs." So they peacefully and slowly climbed up the last 20 flights of stairs and finally ended up at the 80th storey. When they got there, they realised that they had left their key in their luggage, back on the 20th floor.

Some people say that this story is actually a reflection of our lives: Before the age of twenty, we live under the expectations our families and teachers, burdened with a lot of pressure, and we are not mature enough, or skilled enough, so we can't live without them. After passing the age of twenty, we have left this pressure, left our burdens, and begun to use our own abilities to chase after our dreams. But when we reach 40, we realise that we have passed our youth, which leads to much regret, and we begin to regret this, and regret that, complaining about this, hating that... so we spend the next 20 years complaining. When we reach 60, we realise that there is not much life left, so we tell ourselves not to complain and to cherish the rest of the day :) So, we quietly spend the next 20 years in peace. At the end of our lifes, when we look back and remember if there is anything that we never completed, we realise that all our original dreams and aspirations were left at the age of 20...

before/after? :/

^k so here's a progress shot before/after. and you can see that massive bruise I have as well. yeah it's not very nice ):

Honestly right now I prefer how I looked before... k I guess the shots are taken from slightly different angles, but you can really tell that my chin has gone in (I miss my chin!! ): ) and my nose looks different o.o HOPEFULLY my cheeks get less puffy and I get my cheekbones back =P right now I am transitioning from a piglike creature into a slightly more humanoid form. Hahaha this better be all worth it!! I still can't talk very well (like it's physically painful, I prefer to not talk, and I hate it when I see funny stuff cuz it hurts to laugh/smile haha), and my lips are shedding skin like snakes D:

Well right now my head is like a square shape due to the swelling, which is actually a huge improvement on the trapezoid i had before (yes I had a blobby face haha). Now I have incentive to never get fat, cuz I know how I'll look @__@

What else... oh, the dressing on my graft site came off in the shower today, and holy god the scar is huge. If it manages to scar nicely I'd be surprised hahaha. It's pretty gross right now D: Actually wait let me measure it. ... yeah the scar itself is 11-12cm long XD hahahaha great, I can tell horror stories when I'm at the beach. and the bruising around it is like 15cm. Mmmm yum.

Well otherwise the last few days have been relatively uneventful. I think I'll start on schoolwork soon, probably monday (no working in the weekends :P) since I am really really bored at home haha.

Onto other stuff, quite a lot of people have started blogs recently :) it's cool~~ hopefully more people will join in as well haha. Actually though not a lot of updates from the old people, but I guess everyone's busy. So lonely at home when everyone's at school though. noone's on msn or facebook, and I have nothing to do... but when everyone comes home I can't deal with everyone asking how my day was either XD everything in moderation!!

Awwww I'm so upset about missing extrav ): it looked SO AMAZING from the dress rehearsal, and I never even got to see my own video's premiere =P hawwww ): SOMEONE BETTER HAVE TAKEN VIDEOS. OMG stupid surgery. such bad timing D:

so how's me?

Well last night I had a shitty sleep cuz I couldn't breathe out of my nostrils and my pillow was at an awkward height due to my swollen neck (1 pillow was too low, but 2 was too high...), and on top of that my natural sleeping position is facing the right, which happens to be on the pelvic bone graft site, so that wasn't exactly comfortable either. Somehow survived 9 hours of that and woke up this morning at 7am. @_@

Anyway today was alright, I refused to sleep/nap today cuz I'm tired of sleeping (yes, oxymoron), and I figured I might as well do something more productive than lying around. Stopped taking panadol and antiflammatory medicine because it tasted crap and I didn't like the numb feeling, but I'll keep taking the antibiotics cuz they taste alright... drank a bottle of tea, orange juice, 3 protein chocolate milk shakes. had 3/4 of minced chicken/mashed potato for lunch and a small bowl of ice cream. Didn't have much breakfast, cuz I was in a bad mood from sleeping weird.

Mum took me out on a drive to do her errands and we just drove around one tree hill and down to south auckland and we stopped by manukau airport to watch the planes land and take off. Except we only really got to see one take off :/ but yeah, it was pretty cool I guess. And my face still feels sooo weird. I feel like it's SO huge and ugly ): and the bruising's starting to come up as well, and it's all gross. It was worse this morning but since I took a shower after lunch my hair is cleaner now so I don't feel like a disgusting mess.

This afternoon... didn't really do much. patched my maplestory, found out I couldn't open it, played some ds, got bored, so watched starcraft 2 replays on youtube like the whole afternoon. Yeah they're pretty entertaining. Either that or I'm just really nerdy and bored. Actually the former is probably an effect of the latter. Ignore me.

Yeah just a pretty general update about my day. not much happened as you can -probably- tell. can't wait to get back to my life and screwing it up some more eh =P

out of hospital, looking like a pig

Yupp well I was allowed to go home this morning, since everything seemed alright and my vitals were normal. After a 8-9 hour surgery on monday, I was real unstable, coughed up blood overnight and fainted/collapsed in the bathroom, so the overnight doctor on duty said I couldn't have any visitors til I stabilised. The next day I got better pretty quick, vomited blood 3 times in the morning and was short on breath after a shower so I had to be put on oxygen for a while, and after that felt a lot better so yeah, and then I slept for the rest of the day which probably helped as well. So yeah, I was allowed to come home this morning. In the afternoon I had to go back to see the surgeon so he could take some xrays but other than that I'm allg now. my lips are realll dry and swollen and cracked and disgusting, and I look like a pig cuz my entire lower face is swollen up like a balloon ): and the bone graft site on the side of my hip is painful as... but eh, I'll get over it. I'll be alright! :] little recovery at a time.

Still not allowed solid foods for 6 weeks and no school for 3. sigh. hope you don't miss me too much eh. :)

thanks a lot to everyone to txted me or left me comments while I was in hospital, I really appreciated them and I felt so much less alone :) aww i love you guys so much.

Jump

^google images

In the mornings, when the car's started up and the windscreen wiped, the condensation from the night sits atop where the wipers can't reach, untouched, safe. And every few seconds, the wipers come back, attacking the stray stream of water that's wandered from its safe haven, perhaps lured out by gravity, perhaps swelled up with too much of... something.

Of course it's safer to stay with the crowd. Just sitting on top of the windshield, doing nothing much at all, until the sun comes at noon and evaporates it away. Rising up into the sky, into the cumulus that hides the magnificent orb, radiating a halo of warmth. But that takes time. For all the impatient droplets, far too much time. That's why they rebel. Diverging from the main group, into the path less traveled... On the other hand, the machine does not tolerate resistance of the system. With a swift flick, the stream is no more... rebellion is not a safe way to go. Yet, with a dream of freedom, is there any other way to escape the dreary foggy mornings in the unremarkable suburbs?

Trapped in the oligarchical society ruled by the windshield wipers, what are they to do? Some will always make a run for it. Like when you're at the lights, and that one stream makes a dash for the bottom of the windshield, before you quickly flick the wipers and down go the oppressive arms of justice.

But then sometimes you're not fast enough. Accelerating down the windscreen and down onto the bonnet, no way to stop, no way to slow down, fueled only by the swelling of weight inside its heart and gravity's pull at its heartstrings. Falling past the petrifying yellow irises of the blinking demon, spilling a brilliant pattern for a nanosecond as light fills it up, wholly. And holy.

And another nanosecond later?

Splash.

Onto the concrete, and there is no more.

Mediocrity at its best.

I've been feeling mediocre these days. Going to sleep earlier each night because there's really nothing exciting to do if I stay up, letting my mind wander more and more regardless of what I'm doing at the time, being unamused by pretty much everything. Just... bored.

And of course the things I want the most are unattainable to me in real life (or would be stupid to attempt to attain?), so it makes sense to escape into a dreamworld where anything I want to happen can. As always, the best part of my day is sleeping. The longer I get to stay in the perfect world the better... everyday life becomes a chore, the busiest days being the ones I enjoy the most; they pass by the quickest, and then I get to run off to my bed again :)

That's not to say that I live in a monochromatic world. I mean plenty of interesting colourful things happen everyday. Thought provoking, wonderful things. But I just feel like I'm not really enjoying them as much as other people are. At times I feel completely unmotivated, uncaring what happens. The 'fuck it' attitude, if you will. There's no problem being cheerful of course. Most of my friends make it pretty easy to be happy, even if it's not the best happiness. Other 'friends' tho, I find myself not even bothering to act cheerful around. Can I really call them my friends? Even if we hang out a lot, it's pretty obvious we don't really regard each other as close 'friends' as such... well that's a thought.

I feel like I'm in this state of passiveness, because it feels like whenever I do something proactive I end up screwing myself over in some way. What about it? Well, I've learnt that going with the flow is safe, but not necessarily happy. Then again I suppose that's a given.

So what's been bugging me lately? Well, I recently realised that I might have a fear of commitment. That's why I'm so scared of growing up I guess. I can't stand the thought of being stuck doing 1 thing for the rest of my life, marrying 1 person, and staying with them forever, having kids and having to take care of them until they grow up... but at the same time it's not like I don't want to do those things either, because I don't want to end up alone my whole life...

I also dislike it when people rely on me too much, especially when it's not even my job. Like, stop thinking I'm this amazing perfect person who can do anything for you. I am no different to anyone else. "because you're smart" is not a reason to assume it's easier for me to do anything. No matter what it is, it still takes effort on my part. So don't you dare assume that it's your right to use me and that I'd put in that effort just for you, without your even asking if it would be okay, and just demanding. That's just plain rude =_=

Sometimes I want to run away for a while, and not talk to anyone. In most ways human company is great, but sometimes I just get sick of people, you know? It becomes a chore to talk to them and maintain small talk. What would I do by myself though? I have no idea. The problem with leading a mediocre life is there is really nothing worth the effort. On the flipside though, the problem with an exciting life is that there is too much drama. It's so hard to maintain a balance in life :/

It would be so nice to have a clone of myself with whom I could talk to. It's so hard to find someone who can understand me completely. Sometimes I think I'm going insane, because the way I think sometimes is so unconventional, and it scares me. Sometimes I feel like after I broke up with Will my life just went downhill this year. Then again that might just be this year... Why did I break up with him again? I don't even remember, but of course there's no way to go back. I don't regret it, I have no feelings there anymore. Do I have feelings anywhere anymore? Or am I just kidding myself, forcing myself to express things I don't really feel? Thoughts circle run messily nothing really making sense in my head right now or on my fingers or on this page.

Yup, insanity's got a hold of me.